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So confused!!

  • 16-02-2009 8:11pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    Wondering if you can help me out here.

    Been in a relationship for the last 9 years and to be honest we are just going through the motions... from what I can tell he really doesnt feel too much for me either... but with kids involved it is hard to break free.

    The thing is that I work closely with somebody and I really feel that there is something between us... thing is he is married and I swear I would never act on it but there is definitely a spark there.... and likewise I know he would never act on it either. To be honest I really feel that I am in love with the idea that somebody else could actually like me... does that sound stupid?

    In my own relationship... we never talk anymore... never go out... just go from one monotonous day to another. There is an age gapof 15 years (me being the younger) and I feel that we have grown apart... I'm only 30 and still feel that there is fun to be had but he is happy with watching tv. Now this other guy would also be a lot older but we have so much in common and I think he has just made me take a closer look at my own relationship.

    I'm not strong enough to end it...although as I said there is nothing there... he feels like a brother to me and wouldnt want to hurt him... but God I am so miserable.....

    Its easy to say, walk out but he is a good man and there is the kids to consider... I guess I am just sick of relaible and boring and want some excitement.... He never wants to go out anywhere... and all my friends are married and have no interest in a girlie night out... so its stuck at home each night. Even on holidays... we go to the same place evry year and do the same thing... its just so boring... if I suggest a change he just gets in a huff!!


Comments

  • #2
    CDfm
    Closed Accounts Posts: 20,649 ✭✭✭✭CDfm


    Unregistered wrote: »

    Its easy to say, walk out but he is a good man and there is the kids to consider... I guess I am just sick of relaible and boring and want some excitement.... He never wants to go out anywhere... and all my friends are married and have no interest in a girlie night out... so its stuck at home each night. Even on holidays... we go to the same place evry year and do the same thing... its just so boring... if I suggest a change he just gets in a huff!!

    The work thing could just be you fantasising.

    There are two people in the relationship and you dont seem to have sat down and said listen lad this is boring me witless and we must do something to spice this up etc. Straight talk.He might feel the same.


  • #3
    *Honey*
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 320 ✭✭*Honey*


    Have you tried talking, really talking to your husband? I would suggest that flirtation with the other man could be because you feel unwanted by your husband.

    If your husband won't listen, I would write him a letter and tell him how you feel... you need to make him realise it's gotten as bad as it is.


  • #4
    CDfm
    Closed Accounts Posts: 20,649 ✭✭✭✭CDfm


    Not just talk but its Springtime so spring into action.

    Put the kids to bed and go for it. At 45 he should still be good to go.

    If you decide things need a boost its up to you to make it happen too.

    You can do the same on the holiday front by looking for cool cheap deals in alternative locations.


  • #5
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    OP Here. Would try to book somewhere but would have to get his credit card to do that... he holds the money.... and he would never agree to it.....

    As I said we never go out... the reason being that in the past he had an alcohol problem. Did you ever watch that episode of friends where "fun bobby" geve up drinking... and was no longer fun.... well thats how it is. He point blank refuses to go to a pub, hates the cinema (besides there is nothing we would both be interested in), hates theatre or any type of concerts, hates walking. He has no interest in the sports I like. While writing this I really do realise that we have absolutely nothing in common.!! At night he watches sport on tv and I listen to the radio...... he never asks if there is something on that I would like to watch. Any sport thats on he will watch it, football, racing, poker, darts... anything at all. He plays golf to unwind.... and I can never fit time in to do the things that I want to do. If I go shopping for an hour... hes on the phone after 10 minutes wanting too know when I will be back. I feel like a caged animal. I have tried talking to him but the only response I get is "whats better, the way I am now or the way I was before"

    This other guy is fun and we really get on great.... as I said nothing can or will ever happen, but when I see him looking at me the way he does, or getting his funny texts... it just makes me feel alive.


  • #6
    CDfm
    Closed Accounts Posts: 20,649 ✭✭✭✭CDfm


    Unregistered wrote: »
    OP Here. Would try to book somewhere but would have to get his credit card to do that... he holds the money.... and he would never agree to it.....

    As I said we never go out... the reason being that in the past he had an alcohol problem.

    You guys need to get into councelling and get some balance going. Maybe he is uptight since sobering up and needs to lighten up a bit.

    There is a non drinkers forum and you might get some ideas or make contact with similar people there- if going out is an issue


    http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/forumdisplay.php?f=1015


    a site with links of it of groups and counselling services

    http://alcoholresponse.com/


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  • #7
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    OP, this will be unpopular but I think you should have the affair. I know I would.
    Your husband is being incredibly selfish and lazy so it serves him right.


    How DARE he hog the TV, hold all the money and nag you to come home if you escape for 10 minutes or an hour. He sounds like something from the dark ages.

    If I was you I would build a relationship with the other guy until your kids are old enough for you to leave. You made a dumb decision marrying this man but thats a small crime that doesn't fit the punishment of living with the selfish bore for ever more.

    You cannot let your inner self die. While you are stuck in this horrible prison you need something to feed YOU. In an ideal world of course you could leave and he would be fair with money and childcare, but we all know in this economic climate that is not an option.

    Dont let your soul die OP, you are only a young woman. Why waste your precious energy trying and pushing and pulling your reluctanct husband into being a decent partner when he obviously never will be.

    Take this little gift that has been given to you. If nothing else it could be the seed of great change. Maybe a few years down the line there will be a break in the clouds and you can escape Victorian Dad.

    Best of luck x


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