First love contacted and now I'm distraught

LegacyUser

Hello everyone,

Now before I get the usual there must be something wrong in the relationship I already know that, my husband and I have issues at the moment that we are trying to resolve.... BUT....

10 years ago I met a man who was on a break from his girlfriend, we had 8 months together and he decided to go back to her, they subsequently got married.

Through the joys of facebook, he contacted me when I was at my lowest fighting with my husband and we met for lunch about 6 weeks ago. It was like we have never been apart and the feeling we have together makes me almost physically sick as it is that intense, yet we have had no physical contact as no matter what I'm married. When we finished lunch in a very public place I gave him a hug and left.

I know that he has separated from his wife as I asked, so I know that is why he contacted - probably to see have I gained 20 lbs and to see did he make the right decision, I haven't, I have had 2 children and gained 3 lbs since he has last seen me, but my god the ache in my heart is suffocating me and I feel like crap.

Can I ask how can a feeling like this last after 10 years, I know I am going to burn in hell, but I have NEVER stopped loving him, even though he chose his wife. He came into my life in a time when I needed him the most and left my life at a time, I was strong enough to deal with him leaving it.

Now just to let you know, I am NOT leaving my husband as we married for good and bad and all that, but what I want to know, is it possible to love to different people so intensely ? My heart is aching for the love that I lost and aching for the love that I have.

I know he chose his wife over me all those years ago, so I know before I'm told it probably wasn't going to work out and all that, but my god. How can I love two people so different so deeply. Does that make me a bad person ?

I am having such a crisis of conscience now and need some sort of something, I'm not sure what - but am I alone ?

SarahSassy

You are not a bad person because you have not acted on it. I would suggest cut all contact, no more Facebook and no more lunches. Did you tell your husband you were meeting him and who he was?

You are in a rut and its normal to look back with rose tinted glasses... He is either a weak for going back and marrying her if he loved you or else he did love her more... Do you want a man like that?

Nevyn

You didn't still love him, but seeing him has made you remember and it's an echo of what
was tinged with what may have been with a big wallop of guilt for even having those
thoughts and feelings as you are married.

I woudl suggest taking a deep breath and count your blessings and avoid seeing him again.

LegacyUser

Hi

I know, I feel he was weak choosing the devil he knows, but that doesn't stop me feeling the way I do. I just feel damn him, why didn't he choose me - and there is absolute anger that he didn't choose me.

I have however deleted him from face book and I did tell my husband I was meeting an ex who was married and asked would he like join us. If nothing I have always being honest with my husband, except for this minor detail !

I just want to know, has anyone else felt this, am I alone, am I a monster - damn him for making me feel this way after 10 years, and damn me for allowing me to feel this way after 10 years. DAMN, DAMN, DAMN !!!!!!

SarahSassy

Reality check - he is not making you feel anything. You are feeling it yourself.

How did it end up? Did you arrange to meet again or has he been in contact? are you throwing your toys out because he has not followed up since your 'reunion'?

He took the safe route the first time and chance are, and this is hard to say, he is single now, maybe not meeting as many women as he wants and you are his fallback.... Sorry but thats the way it looks.

LegacyUser

Hi

I left it that I cannot stay in contact with him at present that I have issues to resolve with my marriage and within my own head that I cannot have him impair my decision or judgment in any way. He was completely understanding and has respected my wishes, maybe its because I wasn't putting out........

And you are correct I am feeling it myself. So the issue lies with me and how I am feeling in my current situation. It should be damn me, damn me.

Damn me.

acid.rain

you can't be too hard on yourself. both you and he took advantage of a situation and ran with it. neither is at fault, but you would be smart to take him out of your life lest you repeat your mistake

Wibbs

Unregistered wrote: »

but what I want to know, is it possible to love to different people so intensely ? My heart is aching for the love that I lost and aching for the love that I have.

Yep it is possible to love two different people intensely. Pretty common actually. There are different types of romantic love and they go in pretty clear stages too. Romantic love, sexual love, long term attachment love. Each have their own specific feelings and can be separate. Usually they’re not. Usually relationships go this way; sexual attraction – romantic love – long term attachment love. It’s not that clear of course and there is serious overlap.

So; fancy someone, have romantic addictive feelings for them, the madly in love honeymoon stage, then if all goes well it goes into a more stable long term attachment love.

Feeling something for two people, is usually down to feeling one sort of love for one and a different though equally strong sort of love for the other.

With your ex you had the sexual attraction/passionate/exciting/honeymoon love. That's all you had though. It never got to the long term attachment stage as he went back to his ex. With your husband you had that too, but it naturally transformed into this long term attachment love phase. You've forgotten in a way, that early passionate stage. Which is a good thing as it's not sustainable. This ex magnifies that as you never ended up together long term. The early passionate stage is the most obviously exciting and crazy and addictive. You don't have that with your husband now, or it's much less, so this guy is pushing the dormant buttons. Throw in the illicit nature of it and no wonder you're firing on all pash cylinders.

If you see it for what it is and try to push those buttons more with your husband, that should help. It'll never be as strong in one way, but it'll be healthier and stronger for longer another way.

cantdecide

+1.

Loving more than one person is okay. You would start getting the picture if you bumped into yet another person from your past that you felt this strongly for. Don't feel guilty for feeling the way you do.

Bad breakups have a lot to answer for IMO. ie getting out the scorecard and forcing yourself to hate someone who was worthy of your love at least for a while. There are so many different ways to love someone and just because things don't work out as planned for a wide variety of possible reasons doesn't make you a fool for loving them in the first place.

I suggest enjoying the love you feel for him but realise the difference is that you know that you and your husband is the long term deal.

LegacyUser

Hi,

I think the last two posts have eased my pain. I never looked at it like that and now I don't feel like I betrayed anyone emotionally.

I can now let the past be the past and be OK with my decision and know that what I have with my husband is what I am meant to have and know what I had with my first love I was meant to have and maybe it just wasn't meant to be.

Thank you. For the first time in a long time I see the bigger picture with clarity and I feel good.

LegacyUser

OK,

It's been four days since my last post and who am I kidding - I have given up on my marriage along time ago and have just been going through the motions as it isn't that bad. Better the devil you know right.

But the funny thing is - meeting my ex has made me realize I actually don't want him (my ex) - the feelings I have towards him are more now of sadness of what could have been, not what I'm missing as he chose his wife.

But I don't mind that, what I do mind is that I do not want to be with a man that although I do love as we have so much history, I am not in love with him anymore.

I have given up and feel sad - I don't know am I feeling sad because I don't want to fight for it anymore. I have been fighting for 4 years for my marriage and I just don't want to do it.

Scared, sad, lonely, bewildered twat !

SarahSassy

You meeting your ex in the first place was a statement that you had no interest in your marriage...

A husband is not for Xmas he is for life. Buck up and start to put some renewed effort into the marriage and give it one last chance...