I feel like a disease!!

LegacyUser

Hi,
right so I broke up with my longterm boyfriend about 7 months ago. This isn't my problem- I've dealt with that pretty well actually.

My problem is that ever since the break up I feel like I'm some sort of "untouchable" to most of the males I come in contact with! Me & my ex have the same group of friends, and obviously I'm completely off limits to all the lads in our immediate group of friends. The thing is, any males acquantances (sp?), friends of friends, etc have literally been warned off me, like I'm damaged goods or something!

It's getting to the point where when I go out I can't even have a proper conversation with any lads I meet cos once they find out who I am, they're swift to make an excuse to leave. I've been told I'm a very attractive woman so it's not like they're repelled by my appearance!

I'm just finding it so frustrating- it doesn't seem to work both ways, my ex has no problem finding girls (friends, friends of friends etc) to chat with and pull etc. I don't really like talking to random men on a night out as they're usually just after one thing, so I'm finding it really hard to actually meet any men at all. The majority of the time I'm not even looking to pull, just a bit of normal male companionship or whatever.

I know it's not my ex warning them away from me, he's not like that and in fact doesn't talk to anyone about the break at all. I've a funny feeling it's our mutual male friends. Maybe they think they're just being good friends to him or something, but they would be just as close to me so I don't see why they would try hurt me like this? We're all 22-23 so I wouldn't really expect immature behaviour like this but who knows...

Anyway, I'm just wondering does anyone have any advice on how to deal with this? And also how to get out and start meeting other men. Please don't suggest joining classes, gym etc as I have neither the time or the money!

Thanks

RacoonQueen

Are you working or in college or what? Just strike up random conversations with men who aren't part of that circle.

LegacyUser

I'm working in a very small business, only 4 of us, 2 of them being male. But they're in their 40's and 50's and married so not exactly what I'm looking for!

I never went to college so I don't have an alternative circle to mix in. It's really only the immediate group of friends that we both share and have both known for years that I would mix with and it's generally through them that I would meet people as they all are in/went to college.

Craft25

They obviously just dont want to hurt their buddy, its a sign you've got o good group of friends.. so its a shame oyu can't jump any of them! If you think they are treating you different and not able to have a laugh then say it to them, but it doesn't look like you are going to get much action among them so u'll have to widen your circle!

Nevyn

You are going to have to change your socail circles.
I am not suggesting you dump your friends you will have to make an effort
to meet new people and not spend every weekend with the same group
or subset of that group of people.
Really it's the only way.

It is utterly frustrating but other wise you are being blocked due to the 'history'
with your ex and none of those 'lads' frankly wanting you enough or wanting to be
with you enough to be men and peruse you and ignore any flak they may get.
And is that really who and what you want ?

Chinafoot

Craft25 wrote: »

They obviously just dont want to hurt their buddy, its a sign you've got o good group of friends..

Sorry but is that a joke? Her ex is allowed go and pull whoever he wants but she can't, and the justification is that they don't want their "buddy" being hurt? Yeah, what a great group of friends. :rolleyes: He's clearly not pining after her and would hardly be devastated if she were to be with someone else. Talk about ridiculous double standards. If people in my group of friends did that to me, they wouldn't be my friends for very long.

OP, if you can, find out who is doing the warning off. Talk to your ex about it, tell him whats happening. For your own sake I would start making friends outside this circle. Sounds like any friendship you had with these lads has been surpassed by your status as the ex. That's bull but such is life.

Craft25

There is no allowed to it, she said herself he's not forcing them on anything... its the guys own choices.. i dare say if she got close to them and there was feelings that wouldnt stop them developing a relationship.. they just dont seem to want to go scoring her randomly... and yes perhaps the boys are a bit more loyal among each other than the girls are.. go figure!!!

Nevyn

There is an allowed to it that group is self regulating so that she is being seen
as his ex rather then her own person and single.

There is very little that she can do about it with out coming across as the bitter ex
or desperate, so time for her to widen her playing field.

Craft25

splitting hairs do you think.. unless this guy is some sort of alpha figure who is intimidating all his mates then IMO you have to respect these guys for their decisions..

this is why i added the caveats that a) she should call them out on it if they are not having a laugh with her in the normal way and b) the situation would probably different if they developed feelings rather than simply scoring (its one thing to step on a buddy's toes to get your end away, another thing altogether if you really like her)

Another thing, just 'cos he is getting plenty of action doesn't mean he is in reality totally over her.. maybe the lads know things about his feelings that she doesn't... there just isnt enough info in the OP to know all of the factors

oh and it's cloud cookoo land to think that ones past doesn't affect how people see them as potential partners, especially within the same group

the OP has said how she doesn't really like chatting to randomers, so maybe the issue has alot less to do with the friends, and more to do with how she puts herself out there..

Chinafoot

Craft25 wrote: »

There is no allowed to it, she said herself he's not forcing them on anything... its the guys own choices.. i dare say if she got close to them and there was feelings that wouldnt stop them developing a relationship.. they just dont seem to want to go scoring her randomly... and yes perhaps the boys are a bit more loyal among each other than the girls are.. go figure!!!

This isn't just a case of the mutual friends not being with her. She said that it happens with other people she meets. If you read the first post you'll also see that she said she thinks it's these mutual male friends that are warning the other men off her. Now if you think that is a sign of loyalty and friendship I'm glad we're not friends. She's being painted as untouchable while her ex can go and score whoever he wants. Double standards.

Craft25

would i shag my mates ex 7months after the end of a serious enough relationship??... If i was falling for her on a personal level..yes... just on a normal night out hook up .. never

i take the point about 'warning' people off... but in fairness to me there is a mixed message in the OP... on the one hand she says the fella is lovely & would never have asked them to do anything, on the other theres lads going round nightclubs warning people..

If there are lads warning people not to go near you then i would advise you to not just find a new circle but to ask them who the F they think they are interfering in your life... (and if that is the case i totally take back the comment about good mates, personally i suspect it's a bit overdramatic that there is warning going on - the only way that would happen is if the Ex instigated it)

Nevyn

Craft25 wrote: »

Another thing, just 'cos he is getting plenty of action doesn't mean he is in reality totally over her.. maybe the lads know things about his feelings that she doesn't...

If that is the case then all the more reason for her to put some distance in.

Why on earth should she be left 'on the shelf' or deemed off limits if they are
no longer together.

Craft25 wrote: »

oh and it's cloud cookoo land to think that ones past doesn't affect how people see them as potential partners, especially within the same group

Yes it can do esp if people think they are/were "perfect" for each other
and don't know what really went on in the relationship. Which again is her
being subjected to what other people think of her former realtionship with him
and mistreating her in such a way does not make them her friends, it makes them his friends.

She needs to make moves away from the lot of them.

Craft25 wrote: »

the OP has said how she doesn't really like chatting to randomers, so maybe the issue has alot less to do with the friends, and more to do with how she puts herself out there..

Well she could be wondering why on earth she has to make so much more
of an effort then her ex and it is because of the double standard in play.