Midlife crisis???

amom1957

Hi all.
I've been married for 25years,very happily I thought.Before Xmas,my OH told me he didn't love me anymore,felt trapped and wanted his own life to come and go as he pleased.Our last child left home during the year.I haven't worked outside the home for 24 years since we had the children.It came like a bolt from the blue to me and I suggested talking it through or counselling but he was having none of it.Our marriage was over and that was that!He swore to me there was no one else involved.We had a miserable Xmas.
Early Jan,he told me that he had been seeing someone else and they had grown very close.She is younger than me,is separated with two children and he loves her very much.Seemingly,it had been going on for a few months,but he has to travel to see her as she doesn't live locally.He met her when he stayed in her guesthouse while away for work.

The situation now is that he goes to her on his days off every week and comes home again for work.I have asked him to leave but he refuses as he says he can't afford to keep this home and a flat.Their plan is that he lives here until he retires(he can retire early) then goes to live with her until her children leave school in a few years time.Then they will set up home together locally so her children can attend college here.I am supposed to accept the situation and as I am dependant on him,I don't know where to turn.
I am totally devastated and cannot cope with having him here.I wish I could turn off the love switch but I am lost and a wreck.He was the love of my life and I have been a wife and mother all my life and was very happy.
Is this a midlife crisis that will pass? I don't want to give up on my marriage.

BaRcOe

It certainly sounds like a Midlife Crisis. I know its hard to think of what to say here considering its such a big change in your Life.

Of course significant changes will have to be made in core aspects of everyday life for you. If its what he wants to do, maybe your going to have to accept it and move on. I know it is easily said but its what you are going to have to take on board. Some harsh decisions have been made and are going to have to be made in order for you to be happy again.

It may take time but it can be passed and you can move on, it just depends how strong you are and what you are willing to do to get over it.

This is a time of reflection and reassessment, as difficult as it must be for you right now, best thinking positively.

Consider Counselling on your own, It helps to talk to someone and let it all out! Everyone Does Counselling at least once in their life, once you tell a counsellor Everything, they might highlight something you hadnt noticed before/ change your opinion in a good way! It will make you feel that little bit better at least!

On a final note im sorry to hear that you are in this situation, I hope you feel better soon and things start to get better!

Monkey61

OP that is a horrible situation. Your husband is being entirely unreasonable. There is absolutely no way you can continue to live with him in that situation. Letting him treat you that awfully will ruin your own mental health and prevent you from moving on with your life.

I think you need to get legal advice immediately on how to proceed. Contact your local citizens advice bureau and they should be able to explain your options to you.

While it may be a midlife crisis and he may come crawling back, you need to get on with fixing your life first, or else it could end up happening again and again.

cltt97

I'm very sorry to hear about your situation. It must be awful for you. Whatever is going on with your husband, life crisis or not, right now he sees you as baggage. And since you're depending on him he probably resents that. My advice would be to get out of there. Get divorced, sell the house, get your own place if that works. Otherwise go to social welfare and see can you get your own place. If you let him treat you the way he does, you will lose all self confidence and end up hating yourself and he won't have any respect for you either. If you move on, you will feel crap for a good while but you will get better and stronger. By then your husband might even have grown tired of his flusy and the novelty will have worn off and then he'll see his wife/ex-wife as an independant strong woman and probably think to himself, why did I leave her. And then it's up to you, you might have found by then that being free and independant is a good thing for you, too!

amom1957

Thank you all for your help.I will see about a solicitor tomorrow to know where I stand.I definitely need counselling as this is so hard to endure.My children have told him that he is being cruel and unreasonable but he refuses to listen to anyone.Yes I think he does consider me baggage that has to be maintained financially which is interfering in his life with her.

I left a well paid profession to be a wife and mother and never regretted it 'til now.If I had my own income,I could leave and tell him to go to hell but he knows that I can't re-enter my profession after so long.And with the recession and my age,a job will be hard to find.I swing between anger and sadness,screaming inwardly and tears.I want to try and save my marriage and then I wish he would disappear out of my life forever and go to her.I'm so confused.

One thing my children have learned from all this is never to become so financially or emotionally vulnerable in a marriage,that they can't leave if they find themselves in a similar position.Once again,thank you all for your help.

cltt97

Whatever you do, don't blame yourself. If he went off with a new fancy woman, then it's because he had to fill a hole in his life and rather than trying to find out what was missing and trying to fix it he went off for a new life - usually stuffing in shiny and new into a hole doesn't work for long. Either way, I know it must be horrible, after all this time to find your trust shattered and to face being alone. The battle between being terrified of being alone and rather forgiving than doing that and not letting someone treating you like that and walking away is a difficult and long one.

Beruthiel

amom1957 wrote: »

The situation now is that he goes to her on his days off every week and comes home again for work.I have asked him to leave but he refuses as he says he can't afford to keep this home and a flat.

Tough sh!t. How dare he!
It's not your problem if he cannot afford it, he has made his bed and he can go lie in it.
I'd change the locks while he was off with his mistress.
Selling the house and buying a smaller place is probably the realistic way to go.

I am dependant on him,I don't know where to turn.

Go to FAS and see what course you can do to get you back to work.
Also, your solicitor will help you out here on what you entitled to.

I am totally devastated and cannot cope with having him here.

Of course you cannot cope.
He is being unbelievably selfish.
How the hell are you expected to move on with your life when you have to see him everyday. It's not on and it will slowly melt your head until one day you think you're going mad.

He was the love of my life and I have been a wife and mother all my life and was very happy.
Is this a midlife crisis that will pass? I don't want to give up on my marriage.

I'm truly sorry for you. But if he has no interest in sorting your marriage out, what can you do?
Right now it's rosey for him. Personally, as I said above, I'd fuk him out of the house, leave his clothes in bags on the front lawn and change the locks. (To anyone who thinks that's not the right thing to do, tough, it's what I would do if my husband of 25 years treated me like that)
There's nothing like a bit of reality to snap some sense into someone.

LegacyUser

amom1957, your story could've been mine last year it is so similar.
The best advice I can give you is to get legal advice as you have planned. Also put your name down at your local Free Legal Aid board because there's a long waiting list. This is in case you have to go to court and need a barrister. A straightforward Separation Agreement is about 2000euro, paying as you go along. Your solicitor is obliged to tell you the costs from the outset. A judicial separation is a lot more 20-30,000 euro and requires a barrister. Most people try and avoid that by having just a Separation Agreement.
You can also use a Mediator to agree on terms that you can take to your solicitor,this cuts costs even more. There are private mediators but there is free Family Mediation offered by the state, the waiting list is a few months so put your name down ASAP.
TBH most people cant do mediation the first few months as feelings are running too high.
Like you I had no job,kids etc. We were together 25years and he just stopped loving me.
I was devastated,but went and applied for jobs and Lone Parents Allowance(you can work and still get this, must apply within 6months of separating and there is a big backlog!)). I was very scared, I felt like I had been hit by a bus but got through it one day at a time.
I allowed exH to do keep living here, then one day I snapped and threw him out. Up til then I was in denial about it all. I got counselling and it helped me find the strength to put him out. I still loved him but as my counsellor said you have to love YOU first. I hope you will look after yourself, keep posting if you need support(rollercoaster.ie has great support forums). Hugs to you.

MagicMarker

Beruthiel wrote: »

Tough sh!t. How dare he!
It's not your problem if he cannot afford it, he has made his bed and he can go lie in it.
I'd change the locks while he was off with his mistress.
Selling the house and buying a smaller place is probably the realistic way to go.



Go to FAS and see what course you can do to get you back to work.
Also, your solicitor will help you out here on what you entitled to.



Of course you cannot cope.
He is being unbelievably selfish.
How the hell are you expected to move on with your life when you have to see him everyday. It's not on and it will slowly melt your head until one day you think you're going mad.



I'm truly sorry for you. But if he has no interest in sorting your marriage out, what can you do?
Right now it's rosey for him. Personally, as I said above, I'd fuk him out of the house, leave his clothes in bags on the front lawn and change the locks. (To anyone who thinks that's not the right thing to do, tough, it's what I would do if my husband of 25 years treated me like that)
There's nothing like a bit of reality to snap some sense into someone.

I have to agree completely.

OP, be sure to speak to a solicitor about what his/your rights are if you were to change the locks/throw his shít out.

What he's doing is completely out of line.