Seeking practical advice on how to deal with current situation

LegacyUser

My husband and I married rather late in life (I was 41 when we married) and have no kids. I had very little assets when we married, but he had an 850 sq ft appartment.

My husband went though several years of psychiatric difficulties some years ago after two deaths in the family. There is a pronounced history of bipolar disorder in his family and he was showing signs of same at the time. I managed to persuade him to see a GP with a view to getting referred on to a psychiatrist for proper medical evaluation and treatment. The GP diagnosed him as having depression, advised him not to bother with a psychiatrist and gave him a few tablets which he didn't subsequently take.

He was very volatile, aggressive, irrational and difficult to live with: constantly screaming at me for just about anything and had enormous anger management issues.

A year and a half ago, I asked him once again to see a psychiatrist, as his condition had slightly improved and I thought he was showing greater signs of insight and might finally be open to seeing a psychiatrist.

His response was to move out of our bedroom and set up his own separate bank accounts. He organized for his salary to be paid directly into this. Six months later, I set up my own bank account, because he was spending our joint income on disastrous share purchases. My salary is now paid into my own account, but both of us put €800 a month each into the old current account to pay for food, mortgage, household bills etc.

We each earn about the same: €53,000 per person per annum. He spends all his spare cash on shares, all of which are performing very poorly. I save my spare cash towards buying a bigger house, as the one we live in is too small not just for our needs but even my needs alone. I save about 1400 per month, he spends a similar amount on shares and has no savings.

I need to get out of my current situation, but there is a problem: the husband might be in line for a voluntary redundancy in the next few months. He has stated he wishes to avail of this and return full time to college to study art. If he were to get a redundancy, he would probably get about €50,000 after tax. I told him I have no issue with him taking redundancy and going back to college full-time, but that he would have to pay for his college education and living costs, etc., out of his redundancy money, that I could not afford to pay for his luxury as I'm saving up for a decent house.

He then threw a wobbly and threatened me with "trouble" if I were not to fund his college education in the event of a redundancy.

I am assuming, given his usual form, that he intends to either splurge a good bit of his possible redundancy on purchasing more shares, or on paying off the mortage on the appartment, so that, in the event of a separation, he would have paid the bulk of the cost of the mortgage and I would only be entitled to a small share of the proceeds of the sale (appartment is still in his name).

Anyway, here is my dilemna: in order for me to ever be able to afford a decent house, I need to keep saving. In order for me to keep saving as I am, I need to stay living where I am: the mortgage is low, we share bills, and we get on fine nowadays as, today's wobbly notwithstanding, he is actually in very good psychiatric health for some months now and is easy enough to live with. It's a bit like the young ones continuing to live with their parents while saving up for their house deposit.

That said, he has a very destructive and controlling streak in him and I think that since he became aware I have started saving, he wants to get that money off me, he wants to be able to control the finances.

I believe his judgement is poor and i could end up in ten years time, separated, with no money and no house of my own (I have a pension to think of too).

In the very probable event of a legal separation, I think he would get very dirty and leave me pretty financially destitute.

So, I'm wondering whether I should start to keep my account details/ savings totally secret from him and how best to go about doing that.

Any advice?

Chinafoot

Unregistered wrote: »

In the very probable event of a legal separation, I think he would get very dirty and leave me pretty financially destitute.

So, I'm wondering whether I should start to keep my account details/ savings totally secret from him and how best to go about doing that.

Any advice?

I'm sorry but what the hell kind of marriage is that?? You're supposed to be in a partnership and all your talk is of separation, divorce, money... I'm amazed.

Why are you saving for a house alone? Will he be living in your new, decent house? Are you planning to leave your husband when you have enough saved? Are you still there because the mortgage is low and you share bills? Is it a convenient set-up for you until you get what you want? And now you're worried that he's thrown a spanner in the works with his talk of college?

I don't know what to say to you tbh. I think you have more to worry about than finances.

Zaph

You could quite easily open up a new set of accounts at different banks to those you currently use without telling him and transfer everything into them. The problem arises if statements start to arrive and he decides to open them for whatever reason. I don't know what the story is with sending statements to a PO box, for example, it's not something I've ever come across in the bank I work for, but you could ask at the branch if and when you decide to open new accounts. Alternatively you could do all your banking online (current account at AIB/BoI/NIB etc., which all have online banking facilities and your deposit account at Rabobank or any of the aforementioned banks, for example) and ask for no statements to be mailed to you. However, under recent legislation all banks are obliged to send customers at least one statement a year, and I believe this has to be a paper statement. I'm not sure how you could get around that.

The alternative is to do nothing, he can't get at your money if it's not in a joint account. If you're worried about him robbing your ATM or credit cards to make withdrawals, simply change the PINs on them. This can be done at many ATMs or by contacting your bank.

LegacyUser

OP here.

It is a marriage on the rocks, and I don't think a partnership is possible with someone who has been emotionally abusive to me for years and who, to this day, remains in a separate bedroom with no intention whatsoever of moving back. In the circumstances, talk of a legal separation (he separated from me some time ago in the emotional sense and I didn't mention divorce) is perfectly normal.

One example: while I was clutching the end of my bed one night in the middle of a miscarriage, he refused to look at me and hissed at me angrily to "suck it up!". He was angry with me because his reaction to grief and stress is always the same: uncontrolled, raging anger and the need to use me as a punchbag for his anger.

The purpose of this post is to seek practical advice about practical matters. I have long ago grieved the loss of love in our relationship and exhausted myself trying to work that side of things out. Ultimately, I can't change his feelings towards me and, after years of emotional abuse, wish to look after myself now, for a change.

Why am I saving for a house alone? Did you not read my (admitedly lengthy) post? Because he is gambling away his money on shares and because there isn't enough room in the appartment we live in and because I don't think it is good to continue living in a closet! I would love for him to live in my new house, as long as he doesn't resume the daily screaming sessions. I am planning to move to bigger accomodation with or without him. His choice. I certainly am still there largely because the mortgage is low and we share bills and because it is a convenient set-up for me. And yes I certainly am worried that he's thrown a spanner in the works with his talk of college!

LegacyUser

(OP here)

Thanks, Zaph. Good advice there.

ogriofa

Hiya,
If you can just change the pin, I'd avoid setting up a new account.
On the bills side... With Vodafone I have cancelled any bills through the post, I get them all online now, can you do that with the banks?

ps. If you feel sneaky about this stuff... don't! My parents went through this, and one of them acted the absolute b@lloxs! You're spot on!

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

Don't worry, you don't have to justify yourself to anyone here. You asked questions; hopefully they will be answered.

Online banking is the clear answer short term, I'm married too, nothing wrong with being conscious of your own money however. Maybe also keep you money is several different accounts. Otherwise make a visit to a solicitor cause your story is very complicated financially. Not sure how much help anyone here can be.

Perhaps long term if money is short, consider living down the country? My friends down there seem to have better standard of living for less all round. Or abroad? Expats often have great communities and can make some income go further.

Sorry if not much help. Talk to solicitor, maybe counsellor too. Keep your cards close. Take your time, and best of luck. There is probably be another life waiting for you.

LegacyUser

i feel for u, but look... it's ur life ..is this the way u want to live it? get out now -it's not a marriage it's a life sentence .............that u can get out of...
just do it...

neuro-praxis

I know it's your decision, but I don't think you should be inviting this man to join you in your new home.

I am not usually one in favour of divorce but I can't see how your relationship can be salvaged. I would suggest moving out as soon as possible and starting a new life.

You sound numb from the abuse. Make sure you get the care and help you need. Lean on friends and if you haven't any, it's time to find some. Good luck.

LegacyUser

Hi there OP, firstly sorry you are going through this. I was married to a man who had emotional problems and anger issues too so I really feel for you. I think you should just get out of the marriage. Things will only get worse and a house is just not worth it.
You are just clinging to the cracks at this stage...I 've been there and have the T-shirt!
I had kids and had to start over with nothing, no career or anything. But it was SO worth it.
You have a job and can start over in the morning. I wasted 25 years on my exH..I should have got out after the 1st week LOL.
I found that in the end I was going to be the one in the looney bin after his mental problems( oh yes and the screaming too).
What do you want the house for? Do you want to be on valium when you get there?
Health is better than wealth hun, take care of you for a change.

Madame Razz

OP, I think you need to talk with a solicitor who specialises in family law.

If you think separation is likely then you need to work towards getting out of this mess in the least painful and most beneficial way for yourself.

I'm sure you would have grounds for a separation even on the basis of what you have told us here; irreconcilable differences or something like that.

Your husband cannot leave you financially destitute; he is your husband after all and Irish law dictates that half of everything he owns is yours, and as far as I'm aware it's pretty hard to get out of that, especially if you can demonstrate that you have done nothing but support and be there for him during your marriage.

Go get yourself some sound legal advice and take it from there.

ASregards you own savings perhaps you could look at putting it into a high interest savings account(AIB have a good online thing at the moment) so it can earn a little more for you and bring you closer to owning a bigger home.

I hope it all works out.

MR

Queencake

OP like other posters have stated - go see a solicitor who specialises in family law. After that it mightn't hurt to see an accountant.

The cost is obviously a factor but it will be money well spent. You'd be foolish not to go down this route as you seem confident that your husband (doesn't deserve that title from the sounds of it) will try and screw you over the money.

Just make sure whatever you do that no letters come to your home from the solicitor/accountant etc. Get them sent to work if necessary or to a family member's address.

You need to get on this as soon as possible.

I wish you the best of luck - you'll feel like a new woman when this is over.

LegacyUser

(OP here)

Many thanks, all, for the advice. It has really helped.

Toots

Madame Razz wrote: »

OP, I think you need to talk with a solicitor who specialises in family law.

If you think separation is likely then you need to work towards getting out of this mess in the least painful and most beneficial way for yourself.

I'm sure you would have grounds for a separation even on the basis of what you have told us here; irreconcilable differences or something like that.

Your husband cannot leave you financially destitute; he is your husband after all and Irish law dictates that half of everything he owns is yours, and as far as I'm aware it's pretty hard to get out of that, especially if you can demonstrate that you have done nothing but support and be there for him during your marriage.

Go get yourself some sound legal advice and take it from there.

ASregards you own savings perhaps you could look at putting it into a high interest savings account(AIB have a good online thing at the moment) so it can earn a little more for you and bring you closer to owning a bigger home.

I hope it all works out.

MR

Very good advice here. A family law solicitor, or possibly your local citizens info centre would be able to provide you with more information on what your entitlements are in the event of a separation. Good luck.

*Honey*

I would second and third the advice to see a solicitor... find out what you need to do to instigate a legal separation and how to protect yourself and your assets. You sound very much like you've done all the soul searching you can do and have come to a very logical conclusion - I admire, in a way, you're being able to stay in the "relationship" (I use the term in the loosest possibly sense) for the time being ... how soon could you make the break?

Also as a fellow miscarriage survivor, I cannot believe his attitude to this, I am utterly disgusted. I'm sorry you ever had to meet this git in the first place.

Stheno

Madame Razz wrote: »

Your husband cannot leave you financially destitute; he is your husband after all and Irish law dictates that half of everything he owns is yours, and as far as I'm aware it's pretty hard to get out of that, especially if you can demonstrate that you have done nothing but support and be there for him during your marriage.

Go get yourself some sound legal advice and take it from there.

That's not entirely true, in the case of jointly owned assets and pensions etc it's one case, but in the case of individual assets owned by one partner it is different, especially in the case of seperation where there are no children, it's relatively complex and has been discussed here in other threads, but really is a subject that is far better suited to advice from a family law professional as each case will be different and subject to the relevant case law dependant on the circumstances.

As for alimony/maintenance, again without children, it's a relatively complex area and there are numerous factors involved, a good family law solicitor will be able to best advise the OP as to what her options are.