Advice needed please?

JessicaFletcher

I was just hoping I could get a few peoples opinions on this situation just to get a few independent views and to see if ye think I am mad!!

Ok well basically I started a new job 7 months ago and i love it, I started to really like this guy I work with, well we work in different depts so we are not together all day but anyway long story short I asked him out(which was a first for me I think but i just decided to go for it) and he siad yes and that was 5 months ago.

Anyway basically the problem is this other girl at work I know is bordering on obsessed with him in my opinion, they started there together a few years ago and became good friends but i know she would like more but he has no interest in her. I have said this to him and he said he knows she would prob like something to happen but he doesnt and he has reassured me that if he wanted anything to happen it would of before now and he has had plently of opportunities. Anway I think that he encourages but i think he just loves the attention, her but i try to understand they are friends are leave it go.

So no one except one person at work knows about this, and that suited me really cause i didnt want everyone knowing my business and i thought it would look better but really I think the main reason is cause of her which really bugs me.

We have been getting on great, but he split up with someone not long before we got together and he hadnt wanted to meet anyone else for a long time but then he met me. I asked him then why he kept meeting me if he felt like that but he said he couldnt help it cause he was so mad about me. He is not sure what he wants though, if he wants to go away travelling etc and he is afraid to get into something in case it hold him back. I have told him I would never stop him doing anything or expect him not to go because of me because I did it before myself for an ex and Ive always regretted it.

The thing is now we are together 5 months, its goin good he seems so crazy about me, I was really sick recently and in hospital for a few weeks and he was there every day and on the phone constantly and since ive been home he's been staying wtih me weekends etc. and looking after me and being so good. Ive met his family, he has met mine and its all great, we spend lots of time together, have all the same interests and like the same things.

I talked to him about this last week and he keeps just sayin he doesnt know what he wants, but he said to me its not everday you meet someone liek me (thats not meant to sound like I think im great or anything!! he just meant someone who likes the same things as him, shares the same views etc) I bought him a present for CHristmas which I knew he would love and was very rare and he said to me he had gone out with someone for 6 years and someone else for 2 years and none of them would of every known to get him that or how much he would love it.

His big problem is he is useless at communication, he cant talk to me about anything, Ive told him its not fair to let me hanging like this not knowing whats going on and if hes going to decide some day what he wants and be gone. He says he doesnt mean to mess me around but he honestly doesnt know what he wants. He told me from the start he is useless at asking anyone out or asking to meet up, he says he can never read it so just leaves it all up to me which im getting really fed up of.
I then being the fool I am told him I loved him last week, and he seemed happy but didnt say it back:(he just said he didnt know what to say to me but i think he was so scared and I told him i didnt want him to say anything back for the sake of it but I just wanted him to know I loved him.

Now he didnt run for this hills or anything! and we are still together but I just have to ask myself am I mental here....there is this other girl who drives me insane, his lack of commitment everything, I suppose the fact Im questioning it says a lot but im just so confused and I havent felt like this about someone for a long time and its driving me insane.

I know he is crazy about me and maybe I should just relax and see how it goes and enjoy the really nice time we have together or should I just get out now before I get really badly hurt?

SOrry this is so long, I actually didnt realise how much I had to say until I started!

Thanks for reading, and be honest....I need it!

tbh

look, there is a chance that you will get hurt, of course there is, but don't you feel like it's worth a shot? Like, even if I told you that you would FOR SURE be dumped six months hence, would you give up the intervening six months?

It sounds to me like you're big into this guy, and the panicky feeling you're feeling is all part of that. It's a big risk to take! What's the worst that can happen? you might get hurt, but you've been hurt before and you got over it, you will again. Best advice I can give you is just relax, don't associate this guy with your only chance of being happy, he just makes you happier than you would otherwise be, but you'd probably be happy anyway, right?

take things slowly and see where it takes you. It's better to have loved and lost, than never loved at all - despite what all those "can't get over my ex" threads here will tell you. It's all part of life's rich tapestry and it's all good.

jim o doom

tbh wrote: »

take things slowly and see where it takes you. It's better to have loved and lost, than never loved at all - despite what all those "can't get over my ex" threads here will tell you. It's all part of life's rich tapestry and it's all good.

Agree wholeheartedly; Can you imagine you ended it to "save yourself from the pain"? You'd be causing yourself the pain by doing that, and you don't know - it could well work out in the end.

It was a month after my OH told me she loved me that I said it to her (7 1/2 years ago or so) - I was young at the time admittedly, but sometimes that sort of information can be a mental overload for someone..

LegacyUser

Im with TBH, relax and go with it, you'll confuse yourself so much with possible problems that you'll cause problems. Enjoy your time together, live each day at a time and cross the bridges when you come to them. Looks to me like you think about things waaay too much. You can't do that, life will pass you by.

cantdecide

The I love you thing is very telling IMO. It can be very hard. It was for me when I was younger.

If you think it might be a massive thing for him, don't do this but if you're sure he loves you, you could try to encourage him to say so. If you can get over that hurdle together, you can probably work on asking him to share more of his inner thoughts. If you think you can get that far, you're probably on teh home stretch.

LegacyUser

Don't let the "I love you" thing put you off either, just because he didn't reply.

When I told my girlfriend I loved her for the first time, she didn't immediately say it back ......... but I didn't read into it because I knew she had been taking our r/ship easy after being hurt before. A few weeks later, she sat me down one day and gave me a hug and told me she loved me too. Perhaps he just needs time to say it.

It certainly sounds as if he shows you he loves you .......... just ask him to try and articulate things and tell you what he's thinking. Some people can't express themselves well so perhaps he should try writing it in a letter or something instead.