Just don't care anymore

LegacyUser

Hi all. Going unregged for this, bear with me cause this could be a bit of a long one. I think I need to get a fresh perspective on this as its literally starting to drive me mad. Okay so *deep breath* lets start with the backstory.

Up to about 2 years ago, everything in my life was going fine. I had a job with a bit of importance, a girlfriend whom I felt was like my soul mate (cliched I know but true, just to add here she was foreign- I'll explain shortly) and a best friend who had stood by me for 4 years and was like a second brother to me. To be honest I was quite happy with how things were. They were a bit routine but it was always a laugh and even work was something I looked forward to. I was struggling with money issues a small bit (as any young guy these days does) but I always looked forward to the weekend, going out with the group or just spending time with the gf.

Then there came a time around March, where my gf had family troubles back home and said she need to go back for about 2-3 weeks to sort things out. I drove her to the airport and we said our goodbyes, and through the next 2-3 weeks we stayed in constant contact. By the 3rd week, I heard nothing at all from her. Being worried, I texted her a few times throughout the week just to see if things were ok. There was no reply, and to this date I have not heard from her again. She simply disapeared. I was left completely stunned, this "woman" I'd cared about and shared so many times with had just gone. I know she's still alive because she has recently set up a page on facebook, but thats the first indication in 2 years I have of her existence.

Things went from bad to worse as the months went by. One night I ended up sleeping with my best friends gf (to my death I will never understand what came over me so please don't judge it as an intentional act, it was an act of insanity). We were pretty much caught in the act, but I managed to get out of the house. I talked with my friend a few times afterwards (always dodging the subject) until one day, he just dropped contact as well. I was a coward I will admit and did not deserve his friendship any longer. I can't make excuses for my actions because I genuinely cannot logically piece together the events of that night.


Since then, I have pretty much exiled myself from everything and everyone. I was made redundant last year, and am now working a job which pays the bills but holds no real interest for me. I spend my free time alone, smoking or just altering my mind with substances to numb myself, I don't want to be part of the "real" world anymore. I don't have any friends left and current circumstances mean this will not change for the forseeable future. I do not care for anything or anyone anymore, I am completely apatethic. This recession talk and everything else going on is just making any light on the horizon look bleaker and bleaker to me. I have no wish to talk to women at all or try and get myself back into the game, I just have no respect for them anymore.

This afternoon, I started thinking about suicide and how the world would simply just go on without me and for some reason it felt comfortable. I am comfortable with the thought of no longer being here because here is just a nightmare that is still going strong after 2 years. I wouldn't say I'm suicidal as such, but the actual thought of it doesn't bother me anymore. I'm sure the only people who would actually attend my funeral anyway would be family. I'm not sure how I get myself out of this frame of my mind. Its not particularly bothering, but I've realised that my outlook on everything is so bleak and hopeless, that even one small bout of depression (which I've had many times over the last 2 years) may actually be the one that tips me over the edge.

I'm sorry for the long post, but its quite hard to condense all the **** I've been through into this post. If anyone at all can read the above and give even a small bit of advice i'd appreciate it. I'm not too sure what kind of replies I'm looking for to be honest, maybe just something that might help me see the start of the path out of this state of mind.

MJOR

My heart goes out to you.... Go to see your GP and get some counselling. You've had it tough but deserve to be happy. Drugs aren't helping you... the doctor can. Please confide in someone.

JudeNY

Hi there

At least you can acknowledge the mistakes you made - thats a start.

There are a lot of issues going on for you and I dont think anyone on here will have all the answers - I know I dont! But you gotta start somewhere and accept the fact its gonna take some time to get your life back the way you want it.

I understand your feelings of lonliness etc - its a horrible place to be.

As for the girl - you should spend as much time worrying about her as she spent ending things. Hard I know but it appears she didnt give you a second thought . . .

As for your job, at least you are holding down and have a job - ok it may not be what you want but its always easier to get a job when youve got one - so have a good think about what you want and what youd have to do to make it happen. You have the luxury of that at the moment while your at least earning and paying your bills etc.

Sorry I can t be more helpful

estar

sounds like your girlfriends disappearance upset you so much that you took your foot off the brake let go of the steering wheel and let the car just run down the hill.

but you dont want to give up just yet, as if you really did you wouldnt have posted on here. there is still hope then, and still some of the spirit of the old you under all that apathy so don't despair.

in two years time you could be back where you want to be, only this time with the maturity to enjoy it and deal with it.

1. you would have gotten a lot more closure if you had contacted the ex and found out what happened. even if it had been to see her with someone else, an explanation would have been more healing for you than nothing. the nothingness has numbed your ability to feel. the hurt has caused you to become bitter and to feel unnecessary. that was immature. you havent dealt with this issue at all.

2. however every reaction in this world is a CHOICE. we choose to react to the world by letting ourselves sink into depression and by choosing to self medicate. we choose to react to being deeply hurt by becoming cut off emotionally to the extent that we sleep with our friends girlfriend evne though we wouldnt normally choose this behaviour. if we know it as a choice, it gives us back control.

3. with this in mind lets focus on the future.

my advice is draw a line under the past. a firm line. until you get yourself back on track. no more wallowing in the might have beens and the should have beens. no more living in a fantasy world where things turned out different. this is your reality now, accept it and then improve it. FORGIVE YOURSELF. accept that things dont always go your own way. you have collapsed and now its time to fight back. get tough. no more drugs.
involve yourself in a community activity - volunteering, this will help you focus on something other than yourself and your misery (sorry - but this does work)

where are your family in all this. where is your own sense of perspective. when i lose mine my family swiftly helps. confide in them.

and finally - see a doctor. you need medication. and not of the self prescribed kind.

if you eat sh%t, work a sh%t job, and treat yourself like sh%t you are going to feel like sh%t. you have contorl over this.

start respecting yourself again. you have no friends because you have driven them all away with misery and self pity.

you have tried that and it doesnt appear to be working so its time to try something new.

this week make a plan to make a nice meal for yourself every night from scratch, and to volunteer for something in your community, and to read every night instead of numbing with drugs.

when thoights of a misery inducing nature come upon you write them down.

do this for a month, see a doctor, and you will feel better.

you attract people to you by how full of life you are. living like this will attract good things back.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies so far.

1. you would have gotten a lot more closure if you had contacted the ex and found out what happened. even if it had been to see her with someone else, an explanation would have been more healing for you than nothing. the nothingness has numbed your ability to feel. the hurt has caused you to become bitter and to feel unnecessary. that was immature. you havent dealt with this issue at all.

I would have got closure if I could have contacted her. She simply vanished, no phone numbers for herself or her parents, no email, absolutely nothing I could reach her through. That was the worst part - she was gone and I was left wondering if she was actually dead. Its very hard to just put something like that behind you, when you never ever know why they didn't come back. I am forgetting about her slowly, but I don't think acceptable closure on that will ever be possible.

2. however every reaction in this world is a CHOICE. we choose to react to the world by letting ourselves sink into depression and by choosing to self medicate. we choose to react to being deeply hurt by becoming cut off emotionally to the extent that we sleep with our friends girlfriend

At the time I made that mistake I was only just beginning to realise that she was actually gone. I have tried so many times to put together what happened that night, and somehow logically find a reason for what I did. But any time I try, I just cannot. It doesn't make sense. It really is not something I would do in any fit state of sanity and its another part of that madness I don't think I will ever have an answer for.

Mr Benevolent

This afternoon, I started thinking about suicide and how the world would simply just go on without me

Nah don't bother killing yourself. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. And over a woman? Come on, we've all been in that situation - I certainly have, and I'm glad the thought was a fleeting one. My current gf is a million times better than the one I sobbed my heart out over. You need a bit of perspective.

dazberry

Apathy09 wrote: »

Then there came a time around March, where my gf had family troubles back home and said she need to go back for about 2-3 weeks to sort things out. I drove her to the airport and we said our goodbyes, and through the next 2-3 weeks we stayed in constant contact. By the 3rd week, I heard nothing at all from her. Being worried, I texted her a few times throughout the week just to see if things were ok. There was no reply, and to this date I have not heard from her again. She simply disapeared. I was left completely stunned, this "woman" I'd cared about and shared so many times with had just gone. I know she's still alive because she has recently set up a page on facebook, but thats the first indication in 2 years I have of her existence.

Something like that happened to me. You sort of end up in a state of limbo, in one sense its like she's dead and you feel that pain but you are not grieving because you're still hoping that you'll meet her again and sort things out, but you don't cry because there's no closure, no turning point - its just a slow decline into bitterness, anger and low self-esteem.

15 years later my life is a lot different than it could have been I guess, I didn't deal with the real issues for years, but really I only have myself to blame for that. I can't turn around to you and say do x, y and z and things will be ok, I've barely if even found x, never mind y and z.

But one of the key things I learned and it took me years to realise this is that a very screwed up girl has spent her life running away from things and I was caught in that wake, it was nothing I did nor was it my fault - so why did I spent years letting it batter my confidence?

Time is a healer but only if you look forward....

D.

girlbiker

*hug*

The law of averages is a scientific fact - things will turn around because they have to. Nice to have a good outlook when things are bad though.

estar

Apathy09 wrote: »

Thanks for the replies so far.




I would have got closure if I could have contacted her. She simply vanished, no phone numbers for herself or her parents, no email, absolutely nothing I could reach her through. That was the worst part - she was gone and I was left wondering if she was actually dead. Its very hard to just put something like that behind you, when you never ever know why they didn't come back. I am forgetting about her slowly, but I don't think acceptable closure on that will ever be possible.

again with the wallowing in the past? I posted so much else and again you return to this?



At the time I made that mistake I was only just beginning to realise that she was actually gone. I have tried so many times to put together what happened that night, and somehow logically find a reason for what I did. But any time I try, I just cannot. It doesn't make sense. It really is not something I would do in any fit state of sanity and its another part of that madness I don't think I will ever have an answer for.

lets cut out the drama. sorry, but its been two years. its time.

people die in this world. there is disease, suffering, hunger. I don't mean to trivialise this and your feelings. they are real. but I feel this has loomed over your life and put everything in the shade long enough. yes you were let down and hurt, and treated like crap.

you and half the rest of the world. yes, it was a pretty extreme experience.
but the words - its not me, its them come to mind. id say you blamed yourself an awful lot for that. if i had been better, she would have phoned etc etc - no - probably what happened is she met someone else, and didnt know how to tell you, the time got too long and then she just couldnt face you. and she WASNT A VERY NICE PERSON TO START WITH.

if it makes you feel better write her a letter telling her how she made you feel, and then rip it up. as she at this stage doesnt deserve to even know you were upset.

not every woman will treat you like this. not every person. you arent mad. what you are is human. you probably saw your friend happy and some part of you when drunk wanted someone else to feel pain.

not nice. but very human.

the best part of being human, is that we have the ability to learn from our mistakes and change.

now we have a choice here.

we can continue on with our sh%t life of wallowing in the events of two years ago, or we can decide to change.

its really as simple as that.

life is a series of small choices that build choice by choice into a pattern of who you are, how you feel and what opportunities present.

you have lost faith in life as being a good thing. no one can give you an impunity card for bad things not happening. you just need to be brave. be brave and continue to take risks on happiness. because if you don't and wallow and sell yourself short, this is where you end up. hopeless, negative, friendless, alone. all your negative thoughts in life are confirmed. it is sh%t because your effort has been sh%t.

instead of wallowing and expecting the worst, and so finding it, lets follow my advice for a month.

1. no wallowing in the past. all thoughts of the past are confined to filling in your thought diary. this is going to be difficult. but you have to let go. you have established a habit of thought, round and round. break it.

2. eat proper food. fresh. prepared by you. when you make an effort for yourself you respect yourself more.

3. no drugs. except if the doctor prescribes them. apart from being illegal,
and immoral due to their origin (they are from some of the most brutal regimes in the world, generally and the money generated from them funds torture and murder - sorry to get heavy there) they are really really bad for the depressed. you dont sound stupid. so stop acting stupid.

4. take up something that helps others. you need to do something for others.
you are lost in yourself and have lost perspective. this will also allow you to feel useful, necessary and good for something. and also help you forgive yourself over losing your friend.

5. try and make people around you happy. chat to them. enquire about them.
work hard at the job you dont like. be good to be around. this is rewarding.

you are a good person. you have great potential for good things. just give yourself the chance.

leaving the past behind, really is a concrete and resolute decision to leave the past behind.

no one can help you until you decide you deserve help and to be happy.

estar

and

STOP PUNISHING YOURSELF.

aguaclara

please don't kill yourself, at least not yet. while it is your prerogative (it's your life, after all), hang in there for a little bit longer. the feelings you're experiencing - not to trivialise them- are actually very common. and i don't know you, so for all i know you could be right - maybe life would just go on if you topped yourself. but that's not reason enough to do it. you can still be happy.

two years isn't a huge amount of time to get over heartbreak, it's totally ok that that will still be affecting you. it doesn't sound like you're going to get closure, so the only thing that will help with that is (1) time and (2) keeping busy. it's cliché, but it's true. filling your days (with anything - sailing lessons, stamp collecting...) will help.

you say your main problem is apathy - there's nothing left that you care about. that's fair enough. no one can make you care. but if it's a problem, you might want to think about someone that would get your blood pumping again. it might help if you pick a random cause (or a considered cause - maybe there is something that the back of your mind feels strongly about) and spend some time doing something to help others. even if it's something that you've no particular feelings towards, even doing something small that might improve someone else's lot a little, or make someone else happy. if it doesn't help, then screw it, you haven't lost anything.

you mention that you've experienced depression several times in the last few years. needless to say, treatment would probably help, but only you can decide if you want to seek it or not. a doctor would probably recommend counselling. but anyway, you likely know the score. no matter what anyone says, don't berate yourself for feeling the way you do. people get down. but remember that you deserve to be happy as much as anyone else, and seeking help is a brave move.

re romance - if you don't feel like getting back into the field, then don't. there's no law that says you have to be with someone or looking for someone. if you don't want to be around women, that is your choice. you've been hurt pretty badly and you can deal with in in your own way.

take a step back and think about what makes you happy. most people will say spending time with friends, family, partying, whatever; i don't presume that you will be the same. think about what puts a smile on your face (or, if it's been that long, what used to put a smile on your face!) and get out and do it. you deserve it. and who cares if it's not what other people want - maybe you'd be happiest quitting your job and living in a treehouse. do what you want to do. and while suicide mightn't look unappealing right now, six months or a year or two down the line you might be content or even happy.