sorry its long but it's been a long relationship

LegacyUser

about a year ago my boyfriend broke up with me. We'd been going out together for about four years and I moved in with him and two girls. We had a sh1t year, they partied all the time while i tried to hold down a full time job with a long commute. during our relationship, he never made much effort and i ended up running around after him. he was scared to commit and by the end, it reached the stage where he refused to go on holidays because we ended up fighting all the time. he used to pick fights with me, and could say cruel hurtful things as his way of distancing himself. after he went on holidays with one of the girls with only a few hours notice to me, i packed my stuff and couldnt take it any more. the lack of sleep, going away with another girl and his mates over his birthday without asking first, sleeping in every weekend till 4pm, i was sick of feeling like the only one in the relationship that wanted it. i was jealous of her, and her obvious attraction to my boyfriend, which i told both of them about drunkenly after i caught them hugging closely at a party in a room alone. he refused to acknowledge this, and claimed i was exaggerating things, that they were just friends, and that i should apologise to her for making things awkward between him and her.

just days after breaking up, she started hassling me about the rent money and made some bitchy comments. i had paid that months rent, tho she insisted i had some responsibility to pay more as i'd signed a contract. i was deeply hurt and insulted by this, as not only did she try move in on my guy, but now was trying to make sure i was out of the picture and wouldnt feel welcome if things worked out with my ex and i wanted to move back in. on a weekend away together to try sort things out, he had asked her not to contact him, and she did. not only that, she was ringing me to get thru to him.since breaking up, she tried to sleep with him and he even admitted to me that she knew if we got back together, he couldnt stay friends with her. i went travelling a few weeks after breaking up, with the understanding between us that i was single but we'd work things out if we could when i got back. he'd been my first relationship and after so long together, i was curious about other guys. also, because our relationship had turned so sour, and he accused me of being bad in bed, my confidence was deeply shaken and i guess i made the classic girl mistake of expecting casual flings to restore this.

he insisted before i left that if anything happened, i tell him. so after kissing three guys, i told him about it, told him it was over, and immediately regretted it and told him i wanted him back and wouldnt be unfaithful again. this was three months into a nine month trip.the whole time away, i was very confused over how i felt about him and was hurting a lot about the past and the breakup. about a month before i came home, he told me he'd gone to see a friend and spent the night with him and the girl drinking, tho nothing happened. i got very upset, he claimed he didnt know she'd be there, and couldnt do anything about it, i made him promise he wouldnt see her again, tho by now, they'd had a falling out. i met another guy not long after, dated him for two weeks, during which time my ex found out about it, and both of us agreed it was never gonna work anyways. we met up after i came home, to talk stuff thru and see if we could be friends, i thought i was over him enough to deal with that. he kept pushing for more, and tho i initially warned him i didnt want a relationship again, i now find myself in love and hurting. while he's been great since i came home in lots of ways, im upset a lot of the time, and getting more confused and hurt. just after christmas i told him id stopped contact with the other guy as we'd still been emailing as friends, and wanted more from him. i found out since then that he'd seen the girl twice since i came home, i found out about both times as he'd hid them, the first time it was while we were just friends and soon after i returned, the second time more recently, tho still before christmas. he claims he hid it because he knew it would upset me and didnt want to fight about it.

in the last week, i was suspicious of him being secretive about his phone and asked him why he was so anxious to hide it from me. he claimed it was none of my business who he texted. i later recieved a text i knew wasnt for me, and wasnt for his male friend who he claimed it was for. upon confronting him and telling him my suspicion it was the girl, he admitted it was her. and the upcoming night out with the lads turned out to be her and her mate coming up to dublin to party with him and his housemates. i got very upset, asked him where i stood with us, and if he saw a future cos if he did, he wouldnt be in contact with her. he claimed i was exaggerating how bad she behaved to me, that it was a matter of pride that he keeps in contact after i had an affair, that i had no right to demand he stop being friends with who he likes after it. that she'd been a good friend to him, helped him thru the breakup, and everyone does bad things including me, and it doesnt mean he shouldnt be friends with her, tho she hurt me. that was last week, and she was up over the weekend.

im in a dilema, because while i understand his reluctance to commit, it's been a major issue in the past and a deep cause of concern. i feel the girl thing is his way of expressing his lack of commitment to me, and that his pushing to stay friends with her is his way of forcing me back into the role i had- where he lived his life as if it was only him in it and to be concerned about, and i always ended up hurt by his selfishness. im also concerned about him, because he's out of work, shows no interest in finding a job and is smoking a lot of weed to escape. he's admitted to feeling intense apathy towards life, work and me. it turns out, i caught him planning to take drugs with his housemate the same night we talked about our future together, tho he wouldnt admit to what type. i feel completely lost again, and depressed. when im around him, these things dont seem so bad, it's like i dont realise whats wrong till i come home and think about it. i have a great time, and loads of fun with him, but it's getting me down. should i stick in there and hope in time he'll change his mind about commiting to us again and stop seeing this other girl? I dont even know why im so upset about her, I know nothings ever happened, but surely if it hurts me this much that he stays friends with her, he should stop? i feel so insulted by how she acted, and that he doesnt see my side, not enough to prove loyalty in standing by me instead of her. i fear he's jeopradising whatever we had for her, because he doesnt want us back. help? can someone explain all this to me and give me advice?

Craft25

u really are all over the place, and very long indeed.. the whole thing seems a bit immature or off or something, you are banning him from the presence of other girls, trying, taking a break, starting again... in love but then jealous... it all seems like too much effort for me.. a relationship shouldnt be that much drama.. if you have so many things to be himmin & hawin about maybe its time to call it a day, totally cut the chord and really go it alone a while

Teamhar

Two words: clean break

I am sooooo sorry you've had to put up with all of that, but thats what we women do best, isn't it? We tolerate behaviour that in decent society is completely unacceptable.

I once went out with a similar personality. I studied days and worked nights while he worked nights as a barman. Smart guy, no ambition. After his shifts he would drink and drink with his mates then fall in the door after the sun was, stinking of cigarettes and alchohol. then sleeping until he had to be up for his next shift, starting around 5pm. The time we had together was filled with rows, misery and insults, yet I couldn't get out of it. It was bizarre as I had experience of proper, loving relationships in the past- in fact, one had ended not long before I met this guy and in retrospect it was the ultimate rebound. I had been rejected and just needed to feel wanted, something we all need whether we've been rejected or not. Eventually, I left. I organised a little place of my own to move into and one day I was just gone, keys were left on the side table. I never shed a tear, I've never seen him since and I definitely have no regrets. Other than wasting two and a half years on the pig!

Its sounds to me as if this guy isn't going to change and if you stay with him, this behaviour, this torment will be the pattern for the rest of your lives. And no matter who are and what you think of yourself in terms of self-esteem, you deserve better and can do better. Never, ever settle.

There's a book available- "How to break your addiction to a person"- probably not a bad thing to look into.

Good luck!
T. x

Adelante

Hi Op, sorry to hear you're in a particularly bad situation. It sounds to me, and correct if Im wrong but you're the one that's doing all the running around here, and having to put with, may say alot of bs, I know love is a strange thing and it can cloud our judgement,and if someone like your bf is dependent on someone else for their existence namely you, they are not doing themselves any favour in the long term.If he is not willing to take responsiblity and make a commitment to living his best life, how can you expect him to commit to a relationship with another human being... Chances are he may have to repeat this cycle in his life over and over until he gets the message.

You must understand that this is something that he has control over.Your repsonsibilty is to you and what you bring to the relationship there ends it. You now get to decide the fate of this relationship.The other girl has nothing on you forget about her.As I said before he may have to repeat this cycle in life over and over until he gets the message.Do you want to be there when it starts again.

I wish you peace,love