How do I tell her ?

LegacyUser

My wife has a very low self esteem. She thinks she is ugly and will do anything in her power to avoid looking at herself, talking about herself or believing me when I tell her how attractive she is. For example, mirrors are not allowed anywhere in my house. Roof lights are generally prohibited also, very dim lighting is the way. The windows must remain with the blinds down day and night so no natural bright light can get into the house. That's how bad it is.

Fact is she has no reason to act like this. She is a very striking woman, very defined features with sparkly dark eyes and lots of jet black hair. It was her face which first attracted me to her.

Anyway when she leaves the house she will wear make up, not unusual for any woman I guess. However she applies it in very dim light with a 2 by 1 inch piece of hand held mirror. The result is often that it's a mess ..... streaky, uneven, patchy. I know it's bad but I feel so ashamed when I sometimes kiss her goodbye on going to work in the morning, knowing that everyone she meets will be thinking what a mess.

How can I approach her about this ? Because trust me - the way things are, even if I were to tell her she has a stray rib of hair on her jacket or something minor like that, she will get all defensive and upset. I can't pass any comments on her appearance without her taking offence and becoming self conscious and upset.

I would like to convince her to go to a beautician or something and learn how to do it properly. Even convince her to do it in reasonable light so she can see what it looks like. I think this would benefit both of us, me because I wouldn't feel ashamed but more importantly her because I think how you present yourself speaks volumes and I just think that by looking the way she does sometimes, she is indermining herself. But how can I do this without her going back into herself, defensive and upset ?

All suggestions welcome, thanks.

pwd

I don't know really, but I'll make a suggestion anyway. Be extremely positive with whatever you say to her. Tell her you find her beautiful without makeup, that she has natural beauty.

[Jackass]

DO NOT TELL HER SHE LOOKS LIKE A MESS!! for a start!!

I think her make-up is the least of your worries, there's a bigger picture to address here that once solved will more than likely solve the smaller problem of bad make-up.

Why don't you approach head on about it. Tell her how beautiful she is and that you want her to feel confident and attractive again and allow herself to see what you see! Arrange a total confidence boosting makeover for her if she'll agree (and don't moan at her, be really positive and approach it in a way to try and get her excited about it), go shopping with her, help her pick out new cloths and when she tries them on tell her how great she looks...arrange for her to get a massage and all that nail crap that women get done and send her to have her hair and make up done...this is her confidence and her lifestyle, if there are spare pennies going, every single one is well spent on this.

Then when she's relaxed, has all the nail jazz, new hair and makeup and her new cloths she will feel like a million dollars and don't let a second go by without making a big fuss over how great she looks. Then hopefully she will get some self belief back and her confidence will grow.

Best of luck

AARRRGH

Jaysus, what a nightmare.

Could you overwhelm her with romantic gestures? Maybe flowers on Monday, expensive dinner on Tuesday, etc. for about a week, ending with a lovely poem on the last day talking about how wonderful and beautiful she is?

That's what I'd do. Worst case scenario she feels loved.

MagicMarker

It's disturbing how your wife obviously has a serious problem yet you're worried about how she looks when she walks out of the house.

LegacyUser

MagicMarker wrote: »

It's disturbing how your wife obviously has a serious problem yet you're worried about how she looks when she walks out of the house.

I think it's clear that he's worried because he doesn't want other people to think badly of her - even think her a little mad.

OP, try and get her into counselling.

Overheal

Give her a gift certificate to one of those wimminy places where they do all the makeovers and sh!t. She can make a day of it, and find a new Her. Meanwhile, you're at home renovating her makup spot with brand new lighting and mirrors.

Then just to cover your tracks, take her out to a fancy dinner

galwaytt

book her to a spa/etc on her own, and it might - might - send the wrong message.

Better idea: book the two of you in, and go together - or go to one for a w/end and make a holiday out of it.

Overheal

It doesnt have to be a Spa. It could be a gift cert for a stylist in town, or something.

giorgi

If you are going to approach it anyway at all, try it in a positive light - for instance, instead of saying " you don't need all that make up", try " you look so beautiful like that (when she isnt wearing any).

SHe needs her confindence boosted. At the same time, her self esteem issues need a major addressing. As someone already suggested, counselling maybe?? Is not the easiest, but believe me, it helps.

LegacyUser

This is very easy. Sign her up for a make up course (and pay for it) and give it to her as a present for Valentine´s day. Go to a department stores where all the brands for make up are. I think she's be delighted, but NEVER EVER tell a lady you care for that she's fat or doesnt look good, specially if you hadn´t been asked, and if you are asked, you know what the answer is

Annie Bananie

I feel so bad for her and you.

I have no clue how to go about it, but its gone really far, she needs councelling it sounds to me. Yeah a "make over" day or whatever may be nice, but doubt its a long term solution.

Wish you all the best!

Pyr0

Sometimes you just have to bite the bullet and go for it. As a previous poster has said the beautician may be a good idea for the time being but it sounds like she'll just revert back to her old ways and not get anywhere. Try suggesting less makeup, let her know you find her amazingly attractive and that you'd like to see how a little less makeup suits her it'd be like working her down little by little to the point where it wouldn't look caked or messy as you've said. I've said it to my current GF although she wasn't as emotional about it as your wife but in my case I've noticed she's more confident when not wearing makeup than she was before, it's worth a shot.

Monkey61

I don't think it's a good idea to send her to a spa, make up course or anything like that. Considering the obvious depth of her self esteem issues and such, it will probably do nothing but insult her. The first thing she is going to think is "Oh my God, he thinks I'm hideous too."

Your wife has issues that require a trip to her doctor, not to the make up counter in BTs. Please try and convince her to go to her GP and get a referral to a counsellor. I might be wrong, but I really don't think that any amount of compliments or praise are going to do the least bit of good. Keeping the house dark and not having mirrors is not normal! Your poor wife is miserable and you need to do your best to get her the help she needs.

Well done to you though for realising there is a problem and wanting to help.

jessbeth

She obviously would benefit counselling as I believe she is suffering from body dismorphia. The reactions do not point to just a low self esteem, the point to a psychiatric disorder. Consider the facts, she absolutely hates her body and her looks despite being attractive and will not look in mirrors and removes all the natural light etc from the house. This is not just a case of self esteem issues, this is a bigger issue.

Here read this:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Body_dysmorphic_disorder

No amount of pampered of sweet talk from you will change this, she needs proper help.

all the stars

Flumoxed wrote: »

All suggestions welcome, thanks.

Hi,
So my approach if i were a guy trying to fix this (for want of better words)
I would buy her a voucher for a really lovely beauty salon - book her in for a facial or massage and get them to apply make up for a night out - (odviously you bring her on a night out that evening ) and speak to the beautician and explain in private that you would like them to kinda give her a make up lesson while applying it...
It wouldn't be a problem and maybe buy a large decorative mirror for the room she usually applies her make-up?

MagicMarker

Monkey61 wrote: »

I don't think it's a good idea to send her to a spa, make up course or anything like that. Considering the obvious depth of her self esteem issues and such, it will probably do nothing but insult her. The first thing she is going to think is "Oh my God, he thinks I'm hideous too."

Your wife has issues that require a trip to her doctor, not to the make up counter in BTs. Please try and convince her to go to her GP and get a referral to a counsellor. I might be wrong, but I really don't think that any amount of compliments or praise are going to do the least bit of good. Keeping the house dark and not having mirrors is not normal! Your poor wife is miserable and you need to do your best to get her the help she needs.

Well done to you though for realising there is a problem and wanting to help.

Agreed 100%

I don't know what people are thinking suggesting spa's and make up courses? That would be the absolute worst thing to do.

What person who thinks so little of themselves is going to feel better sitting in a spa in a bath robe ffs?

John Mason

hadamadrina wrote: »

This is very easy. Sign her up for a make up course (and pay for it) and give it to her as a present for Valentine´s day. Go to a department stores where all the brands for make up are. I think she's be delighted, but NEVER EVER tell a lady you care for that she's fat or doesnt look good, specially if you hadn´t been asked, and if you are asked, you know what the answer is

seriously DO NOT DO THIS

i have absolutely no hang ups about my looks or make or anything like but if me OH sent somewhere to so show me how to do my make-up - i would be showing him the door.

OP you wife has some sort emotional issues gonig here - -get her into counselling ASAP or at least talk to your doctor about it


People you al need to stop talking about make up and spas. the problem is nothing to do with make up - the problem this woman can bear to look at herself,

stupidusername

Monkey61 wrote: »

I don't think it's a good idea to send her to a spa, make up course or anything like that. Considering the obvious depth of her self esteem issues and such, it will probably do nothing but insult her. The first thing she is going to think is "Oh my God, he thinks I'm hideous too."

Your wife has issues that require a trip to her doctor, not to the make up counter in BTs. Please try and convince her to go to her GP and get a referral to a counsellor. I might be wrong, but I really don't think that any amount of compliments or praise are going to do the least bit of good. Keeping the house dark and not having mirrors is not normal! Your poor wife is miserable and you need to do your best to get her the help she needs.

Well done to you though for realising there is a problem and wanting to help.

I totally agree with this. i can't believe so many people are saying send her to a spa, and get make up lessons. I have self esteem issues, not quite as bad as your wife sounds, but I would definitely be offended and very upset if someone thought the solution was to get some one to show me how to look 'ok'.

She's is obviously miserable, I don't know how she even gets out of bed in the morning, but she needs help with it. Please please please don't get her make up lessons!!!!

LegacyUser

OP, does your wife have any close sisters or girlfriends?! Is it possible to maybe rally them around her for a girls-day together or something? I know there are objections to the spa / make-over ideas, i agree that these wont solve the deeper issues at hand here, but maybe they're not such bad ideas for giving her some opportunity to be distracted from the incessant hurt & sadness she clearly feels about herself... Doing something like this, with other women she trusts, or is comfortable in the company of, may be a lovely thing for her.... its more about getting her out and doing something 'feel-good' with people, as opposed to doing something that makes her look better... good luck