I think I want to leave my husband

LegacyUser

Hello,

I was away for the weekend with my family and I think I have made a decision about my husband. We have had a really hard few years, he has been sick, almost died twice, had a death in the family and serious depression on his side. We are together a long time and have a 2 children and I feel I have had enough.

He is in counselling and I have suggested couples counselling which was shot down. We are just going through the motions and there is no intimacy - just the day to day living. I know I would love a guys point of view, so humour me. I have lost 30 lbs and looking good, woke my husband not too early after not seeing him all weekend for sleepy sex - I was going to do all the work, I didn't mind, as I wanted him and he just couldn't - I jokingly yes 'you're afraid you are going to do your groin before the match' he said yes. Sorry, am I not a bit mad that your wife does all the work and all he's thinking about is the match ?

I am a young women and thoughts of the next 40 years like this - no thanks. Its been 4 years like this - I'm sorry, I'm not being articulate I don't know what I want posting here, or what to say - but when do you know enough is enough ?

A lost soul !

Beruthiel

Have you decided 100% to leave him?

If he refuses to go get help with you then just tell him straight.
You are still a young woman and deserve to be treated with respect and love.
If he's not going to entertain your requests and is basically ignoring you then you have no choice but to take action.
Gone are the days when you have to put up with all kinds of crap from your other half. Life is too short to be miserable all the time. Do whatever it takes to make your life better. With, or without him.

cowzerp

Give him an uitimatum-either he tries harder or your out of there..

Kirnsy

Unregistered wrote: »

Hello,

I was away for the weekend with my family and I think I have made a decision about my husband. We have had a really hard few years, he has been sick, almost died twice, had a death in the family and serious depression on his side. We are together a long time and have a 2 children and I feel I have had enough.

He is in counselling and I have suggested couples counselling which was shot down. We are just going through the motions and there is no intimacy - just the day to day living. I know I would love a guys point of view, so humour me. I have lost 30 lbs and looking good, woke my husband not too early after not seeing him all weekend for sleepy sex - I was going to do all the work, I didn't mind, as I wanted him and he just couldn't - I jokingly yes 'you're afraid you are going to do your groin before the match' he said yes. Sorry, am I not a bit mad that your wife does all the work and all he's thinking about is the match ?

I am a young women and thoughts of the next 40 years like this - no thanks. Its been 4 years like this - I'm sorry, I'm not being articulate I don't know what I want posting here, or what to say - but when do you know enough is enough ?

A lost soul !

that indeed does sound more than a little harsh from him, but maybe he has other reasons. in fact he probably definitely does and maybe doesn't want to burden you with them.

you need to talk to him. maybe he doesn't realize you are at the end of your rope here. you say you've had a few tough years, maybe its affected him more than you think. maybe he's in denial that you both are struggling as well (not wanting couples counseling) .

think long and hard before making such a big decision.

Toots

Does your husband know you feel like this? Does he know how bad things have gotten? You need to tell him how you're feeling. If he agrees to try couples counselling, would you give it a try, or have you pretty much decided that it's over. Either way, I agree with Beruthiel, you need to look after yourself, a marriage takes effort from both people, it's not fair for him to ignore you and expect you to do all the work.

HashSlinging

Course she hasn't told him, she's probably gone and told everyone else though (family and friends) he's supposed to be psychic like all us men.

Fair play to the lad getting out and playing football + getting counseling sounds like he has got things together now from a time that I can only describe as horrific... nearly dying twice ffs..

OP maybe you need some counseling yourself, have you ever considered it, the whole "lost 30lbs" thing seems to be me you are suffering from some sort of personal issue yourself..

Lastly 4 years really isnt that long to be together, how were you able to fit

"We have had a really hard few years, he has been sick, almost died twice, had a death in the family and serious depression on his side."

AND Two Children in the space of 4 years, jebus, give the guy a break FFS.

Toots

Unregistered wrote: »

Its been 4 years like this - I'm sorry, I'm not being articulate I don't know what I want posting here, or what to say - but when do you know enough is enough ?

This suggests to me that they've been having difficulties for the last 4 years, not that that's how long they've been married. I doubt they've had difficulties since day 1. Perhaps the OP could confirm this?

parmed

leave or just have an affair, either way your not the one who should have any guilt over the issue, by the sounds of it you have been trying hard to impress him. you say your looking good then maybe all you want is to be seen and noticed for your efforts and maybe that will have to come in the form of another man, dont let nothin hold you back life is much too short for regrets.

estar

he needs a right good kick up the ass. he has a great woman supporting him through thick and thin, and he like many many irish men thinks that the little woman will never leave him so it can be all on his terms.

sorry lads, but its true. mammy always was there with the washing done so once your wives have the kids you think you can get fat, become boring, and your wives will just have to put up with it.

its not true for all irish men, but i see and work with many for whom it is true.

have yourself moved out of the bedroom when he coems back and into a spare room. and tell him your honest thoughts - clearly and to the point.

i want a fulfilling relationship between adults - without having to threaten you for it, or else i will find stimulating adult company somewhere else in time,
as i just cant continue on with a marraige that is more like unpaid babysitting.

i might be being a little unfair here, but that groin strain comment just infuriated me on your behalf.

what an f-ing insensitive a%shole.

call a babysitter, get dressed up and go out with your girlfriends more.

you deserve to be treated as a woman as well as a wife and mother. and a woman first!

like most men they are usually too busy following sport obsessively to recognise when their marraiges are in trouble. then they winge - jaysus women! you never know what they are thinking. they are so complicated.

what TOSH! if ye spent a 1/3 of the time ye spend looking at horses, or into pints or at football replays on the TV just sitting down and OBSERVING whether or not your wives are happy, and maybe thinking - what can i do to make my wife happy - then there would be no problems at all.

women are not complicated. we want to be listened to, cared for, treated as special once in a while and made love to regularly.

and we want to be more important than beer and sport. and we should be!!!!!!!!!!!

MJOR

Youn need to talk to your hubby. He deserves a chance. Everyone deserves at least one. I can't tell a lot from your post but you have to broach the subject. You deserve to be happy. You don't deserve rejection or his moods.

Hope it makes sense what I am trying to say. You can't blame him if you haven't actually sat him down and explained your feelings.

herya

Is there a chance that he is depressive or perhaps that the medication he took for his illness influenced his moods and activities?

LegacyUser

Hi

Sorry, I didn't explain properly. We are together 8 years, Married 6 and it all started after having my second child. I suffered terrible post natal depression but came through it with drugs and counselling and have been great for the last 3 years.

He was diagnosed with Testicular Cancer, we came through it and it was hard - He developed and absyss on this back and spine 2 years ago that required months of hospital treatment

He had a bad crash in work a month after going back to work and was suffering post traumatic stress - I organised the counselling.

Yes I have been patient and understanding with him. I have put up with the moodiness and the anger and flare ups for long enough. I have sat down and explained I don't feel loved and I don't mean cherubs and music playing so of love - but even to have my shoulder touched as he walks past, something to acknowledge me in any wayand that I am finding this difficult. I don't expect roses every day, but I would like a 'Hi honey how was your day' and maybe a kiss. Nothing too much. I have asked him does he love me and he said yes, I have asked him to do couples counselling and he told me he is already doing enough counselling himself at the minute.

He has admitted the problems are him, but is shutting down. I fear that if I leave him it will completely send him over edge and he will kill himself, but I cannot stay with someone for this reason. We are sleeping in seperate rooms -

And lads, I thought sexy underwear was supposed to work ! It doesn't - I don't want an affair, I could have that at any time. I want the man I married back - so what do I do - do I wait ?

One thing he did say on the way to hospital when he thought he was dying was that God was punishing him for being such an asshole for the last 2 years - so he knows what he is doing.

I'm not a saint, I can be a messy mare, I can sulk and throw tantrums, but when push comes to shove for my husband and kids I drop everything, and I am there - but this level of devotion is not being reciprocated and I'm worn out and tired.

Sorry for the long rant

Setun

Unregistered wrote: »

Hello,
We have had a really hard few years, he has been sick, almost died twice, had a death in the family and serious depression on his side. We are together a long time and have a 2 children and I feel I have had enough.

Do you not think that someone is very likely to be somewhat withdrawn after the above quoted happening to them? I don't know what steps you've taken already, but I think he needs help rather than desertion. Sure, everyone's entitled to be happy, but would you not try and help the person you started a family with and once loved to be happy together aswell?

dudara

I just wonder if the man has been through too much in order to be able to deal with you right now. He has suffered a lot (as undoubtedly you have) but it seems that he is still dealing with it. Attempting couple counselling right now could be overload for him.

I completely understand that you have a right to a happy loving marriage, but maybe some more patience might be required yet. I would definitely have a talk with him, and outline all your concerns. Be supportive of him, but remind him that he has to start making some overtures, no matter how small.

Good luck.

ogriofa

don't laugh, how about a holiday? A weekend away maybe? Get a pal t olook after the kids?
A change of scene, a few beers, maybe to forget about the problems and have a good chill out weekend.
Could you arrange this? Would he go?

CathyMoran

Cancer really scares him (as I know that it has scared you), he is probably trying to get help for himself before he faces everything else - I know that is selfish but I doubt that he means to hurt you. I would give him a chance to get himself together and then try couple councelling before you leave him.

LegacyUser

Hi OP. Your post could have been written by me a year ago. I subsquently left my husband (no children) so here's my advice (practical and otherwise).

Try every avenue. Fight for your marriage. For your own sake, so that you don't have any regrets if/when you do leave.

I was prepared for it to be tough, but not prepared enough. The emotional pain was so deep that it felt physical. We had been together 10 years and even though I spent much of that unhappy, the grieving wasn't made any easier. You need to consider this. If you do leave him, make sure you have a good support system such as family members/friends to help look after the kids while you both lick your wounds.

You obviously love him very much so make sure that you have done everything within your power to make it work. Within reason - one person can't make a partnership work, it takes both. As you say, you end up worn out, tired and rejected and can't take anymore. As others have said, and I can't stress this enough, talk to him. Tell him you need change within the relationship. Don't tell him that to scare him in a mean way, but more to light a fire under his @rse. Fair enough he may not be emotionally able for couples counselling, but he could make an effort at being loving towards you. How difficult is it to hug someone or tell them how much they mean to you?

He may not be the man you married right now, but he could be, with time and the counselling he's already taking. On the other hand, if he knows, as you say, how badly he's treating you, but can't stop himself, maybe there are bigger issues there than just him recovering from cancer and a crash. Some people take others for granted. Hopefully with a little training he can change.

All the best

xx

LegacyUser

Jesus !!!! as a Guy - i would be knocked for six if I had testicular cancer it sounds silly but I'd take it as nature attacking the essence of me being a man.

I think you and him need to talk - he probably needs your resurrance and you his,I think if you got the direct communication with him he'd open back up and be the man you married originally. Not pushing for sex, but actually talking and listening to each other - plan a few nights out together alone etc

He's probably still shook up - I know i'd be questioning myself and be in the dumps about it

nedoo

When you married him, it was for better or worse. None of his problems are as a result of his or your doings. He and you have had a few really bad years. I dont want to sound a knob, but the last thing the poor guy needs is you running away, when he needs you most. You have to look at yourself, as you are not coping with the whole situation. If he is not up to talking to someone, you go. Find out what you can do to help him, areas not covered already. It is important to have a good sex life but the bloke has had his manhood attacked by a very serious illness. Bound to mess you up. Not something a bra and thong will solve.
For him, for you and for your kids, work harder at it. At least in a few years, if nothing has changed, you can say you tried everything and be justfied in walking away.
Hope it all works out for you.

The Ritz

OP,

I sympathise with you and recognse that you've gone through a very difficult time. As a man I doubt I would have survived your husband's experience with my sanity intact so I guess I have sympathy with his predicament too. I won't try to imagine what he's going through, but I think that his saying that he does love you is a tiny (but most important) part of the key for the future. the other part is that you haven't said that you've lost your love for him - what you've said is you want your man back.

I can understand that you're at the end of your tether, but there's a difference between that and ending your marriage.

You mentioned your husband's reaction to to the prospect of death - it's clear that his self-esteem must be at a very low ebb and it's probably difficult for him to be loving in those circumstances. I'm not excusing him or trying to minimise or underestimate the impact on you, it must be horrendous to feel unloved.

I'd suggest that you look for a "timeout" from the situation for you both if at all possible. Someone suggested earlier on in this thread that you go away together for a long weekend - you haven't mentioned your financial situation or whether you've enough support for your children, but with a change of scene and no kids around a bit of time to find each other again might be a starting point.

I hope you can sort things out, after that much bad luck and hard work you deserve all the love you want, your husband probably needs it too.



Ritz.

CDfm

OP my sympathies - maybe you should have a word with either his councellor or GP cos this councelling aint working

Slutmonkey57b

estar wrote: »

i might be being a little unfair here, but that groin strain comment just infuriated me on your behalf.

what an f-ing insensitive a%shole.

and we want to be more important than beer and sport. and we should be!!!!!!!!!!!

Unregistered wrote: »

..... he has been sick, almost died twice, had a death in the family and serious depression on his side. .....


I jokingly yes 'you're afraid you are going to do your groin before the match' he said yes. Sorry, am I not a bit mad that your wife does all the work and all he's thinking about is the match ?

What an insensitive prick, eh? Didn't want to have sex, half asleep, gifted with a sarky question, and he responds with a one-word answer instead of getting into all the myriad reasons why a testicular cancer, car-wreck-surviving depressive might have difficulty getting aroused.

No doubt a post where a post-hysterectomy severely depressed woman refuses to put out when being pressured for sex will elicit the same response from estar here...

OP, if you're going to leave him because you're tired, then do it. But don't pat yourself on the back when you're going out the door. You're not reclaiming your life, as some posters are suggesting, you're leaving it. If you're going to do it, you'll have to make peace with that, even when he gets worse (as he will) when you do. Your husband has serious problems. It will take him a lot of time to overcome them, if he ever does. Any "fixes" will have to come from within him, ultimately. There will be a lot of work involved sticking around. You don't seem to be able to face doing it. I'm not going to judge you for that.

LegacyUser

Firstly i would like to point out that anyone who has never been in your position should not comment on something they know nothing about.
I have been there i am there and i know what you are going through.
If he is suffering from ptsd you need to let him work this out with his therapist.
You need to be patient and you need to either get a councilor your self or go to a self help group.
Sexy knickers wont work if they *men* arnt in the mood.
You also need to be aware that you need some you time.
His comment was hurtful and selfish but men dont tend to analyse comments as much as women and he probably didnt want to hurt your feelings by saying he wasnt in the mood and your sexy knickers didnt turn him on cos then you will go off on one saying ........... do you not love me why dont i turn you on etc so its easier to say i dont want an injury.He's been through a lot but so have you. There is a cognative therapist on the navan road who is very good at helping people ask your doctor to recommend you he will help you to find out exactly how you are feeling. Lastly talk to him tell him how you feel and -Listen-to what he has to say.

CDfm

Slutmonkey57b wrote: »

OP, if you're going to leave him because you're tired, then do it. But don't pat yourself on the back when you're going out the door. You're not reclaiming your life, as some posters are suggesting, you're leaving it. If you're going to do it, you'll have to make peace with that, even when he gets worse (as he will) when you do. Your husband has serious problems. It will take him a lot of time to overcome them, if he ever does. Any "fixes" will have to come from within him, ultimately. There will be a lot of work involved sticking around. You don't seem to be able to face doing it. I'm not going to judge you for that.

Have a heart Slutmonkey.

The OP is a person too and has "needs" and needs affection too.

She should be bringing him down to the GP for some Viagra so he can do his husbandly duties:cool:

Getting out of a rut often means taking action and the OP has a right here.

Thats why Im saying she should be speaking to her and his GP and his counsellor if thats what it needs as she does want a "normalised" life.

Fair dues for posting OP.

LegacyUser

Try all the options before breaking up your marriage. Specially if you love each other. That's what marriage and family is for, to support each other. Put yourself in his place. I can imagine it must be very difficult for you, but be strong. Maybe when this is over and you guys are good, you'll look back and you'd be glad you didn´t leave.

Focus on your children and get support from the family and friends. Take care of yourself too, take up a hobbie or something that distracts you. Avoid his depression depress you too. Sometimes the solution is just don´t do anything and let things sort out by themselves.

However, I understand this is a very personal issue and it's you having the situation. x

CDfm

Unregistered wrote: »

Hi OP. Your post could have been written by me a year ago. I subsquently left my husband (no children) so here's my advice (practical and otherwise).

Try every avenue. Fight for your marriage. For your own sake, so that you don't have any regrets if/when you do leave.

I was prepared for it to be tough, but not prepared enough. The emotional pain was so deep that it felt physical. We had been together 10 years and even though I spent much of that unhappy, the grieving wasn't made any easier. You need to consider this. If you do leave him, make sure you have a good support system such as family members/friends to help look after the kids while you both lick your wounds.

You obviously love him very much so make sure that you have done everything within your power to make it work. Within reason - one person can't make a partnership work, it takes both. As you say, you end up worn out, tired and rejected and can't take anymore. As others have said, and I can't stress this enough, talk to him. Tell him you need change within the relationship. Don't tell him that to scare him in a mean way, but more to light a fire under his @rse. Fair enough he may not be emotionally able for couples counselling, but he could make an effort at being loving towards you. How difficult is it to hug someone or tell them how much they mean to you?

He may not be the man you married right now, but he could be, with time and the counselling he's already taking. On the other hand, if he knows, as you say, how badly he's treating you, but can't stop himself, maybe there are bigger issues there than just him recovering from cancer and a crash. Some people take others for granted. Hopefully with a little training he can change.

All the best

xx

What Unregistered says here is so positive.

Much better than anything I could post.

LegacyUser

Jesus !!!! as a Guy - i would be knocked for six if I had testicular cancer it sounds silly but I'd take it as nature attacking the essence of me being a man.

yes, its kind of how some women feel after having a 9 pund human pulled out of their "essence" !!! That can cause post natal depression which OP had!

Look, its not a suffering "competition" -when couples go through a lot it can turn into:

"I'll see your testicular cancer and PTSD and raise it with my PND and invasion of the bodysnatchers experience (pregnancy)" etc etc

I dont think OP is coming accross as one of those selfish type women who is not in tune with her mans problems, she has also admitted she can be a mare at times, but I do think she is feeling frustrated that despire pouring understanding on it (he is not the only one suffering remember) he is making no effort whatsoever.

PTSD is a horrible thing, you are always waiting for the next disaster and your outlook on life becomes very black and entrenched. Hopefully the counselling he is going to will address this and make him want to come halfway to meet his wife, who is there with open arms.

At the moment she is carrying everything alone, that is a hard station but she is doing her best, she is faltering and why wouldn't she be, she is only human too.

Thundercats Ho

CDfm wrote: »

Have a heart Slutmonkey.

The OP is a person too and has "needs" and needs affection too.

She should be bringing him down to the GP for some Viagra so he can do his husbandly duties:cool:

Getting out of a rut often means taking action and the OP has a right here.

Thats why Im saying she should be speaking to her and his GP and his counsellor if thats what it needs as she does want a "normalised" life.

Fair dues for posting OP.

I'd agree with this.
From reading the OP (the part with the sexy wake up call), the 1st thing that i thought was, he just said that to deflect away from himself. He's after taking a fair few knocks in the last 2 years (physically & emotionally), so it would be understandable if he had problems maintaining or even achieving an erection.
If he would consider such a move, it would show the OP that he loved her, and wanted to show her how much he appreciates her. Also, the benefits of making love could bring about a change of mind for them both, even if it were temporary.

CDfm

Thundercats Ho wrote: »

I'd agree with this.
From reading the OP (the part with the sexy wake up call), the 1st thing that i thought was, he just said that to deflect away from himself. He's after taking a fair few knocks in the last 2 years (physically & emotionally), so it would be understandable if he had problems maintaining or even achieving an erection.
If he would consider such a move, it would show the OP that he loved her, and wanted to show her how much he appreciates her. Also, the benefits of making love could bring about a change of mind for them both, even if it were temporary.

I thought WOW what a great confidence booster for any guy to get that kind of attention.

And if I was the OP I would be onto the GP to get an appointment for a medication review pdq (pretty damn quick) and there is no time like the present.I wouldnt wait for him to make the move;)

Enthusiasm can be infectious and once he sees yours OP in one area he may be able to copy it in others areas of life he holds back on.

This is not just about this issue - but hey -its a fun thing to tackle about his illness as part of your lives.

who007

estar wrote: »

he needs a right good kick up the ass. he has a great woman supporting him through thick and thin, and he like many many irish men thinks that the little woman will never leave him so it can be all on his terms.

sorry lads, but its true. mammy always was there with the washing done so once your wives have the kids you think you can get fat, become boring, and your wives will just have to put up with it.

its not true for all irish men, but i see and work with many for whom it is true.

have yourself moved out of the bedroom when he coems back and into a spare room. and tell him your honest thoughts - clearly and to the point.

i want a fulfilling relationship between adults - without having to threaten you for it, or else i will find stimulating adult company somewhere else in time,
as i just cant continue on with a marraige that is more like unpaid babysitting.

i might be being a little unfair here, but that groin strain comment just infuriated me on your behalf.

what an f-ing insensitive a%shole.

call a babysitter, get dressed up and go out with your girlfriends more.

you deserve to be treated as a woman as well as a wife and mother. and a woman first!

like most men they are usually too busy following sport obsessively to recognise when their marraiges are in trouble. then they winge - jaysus women! you never know what they are thinking. they are so complicated.

what TOSH! if ye spent a 1/3 of the time ye spend looking at horses, or into pints or at football replays on the TV just sitting down and OBSERVING whether or not your wives are happy, and maybe thinking - what can i do to make my wife happy - then there would be no problems at all.
http://static.boards.ie/vbulletin/images/smilies/pacman.gif
women are not complicated. we want to be listened to, cared for, treated as special once in a while and made love to regularly.

and we want to be more important than beer and sport. and we should be!!!!!!!!!!!

estar, when I started reading this it got my ire up, but then, ya know what - you are right. I moved out of home at about 20 and have always looked after myself - washing, cleaning, ironing, hell I am a great cook! and I remember through much of my 20's having to put up with stupid comments from co-workers about how there's no point in moving out when their mother was there to look after them. I stilleven know a grown man of 30-something in work at the moment who is the same still and even has mammy cooking his meals for when he gets home (and breakfast when he gets up). There are indeed a lot of "men" in this country who could do with growing a pair and being real men instead of oversized children.
More important than beer though? Hmmm.. well I'd say equally as important mabe..

To the OP - I sense that your hubby loves you but has got into a rut. And that's really simplifying things. Sexy undies do work, yes - when we are in a sound state of mind (not necessarily mood!) but - and this is just my opinion - I think you need to show tough love here. Move out! Yep.. don't leave him, but move out and rent a flat or a room or something. This will:
1.Force him to confront what's going on in his head and see that you mean business.
2.Make him date you again and re-instill the romance.
3.See you for the attractive woman you are who he should be lucky to be with - and this will be all the more obvious to him when you are not under the same roof and he starts realising that there are other men out there who would love to be with you but you're not where he can keep an eye on you so it should prompt him to start making more effort to "date" you.
4.Re-establish your own independance and self worth, so that when he gets his act together you both can live together again as equals, not one person who (can't think of a better word, so don't attach importance to this one, buttake my meaning if you can) screwed up and one who has the moral high ground - but as two equals.

Whatever you do I hope it works out for you cos you sound very loyal and deserve to be appreciated. I'm not saying your hubby's a bad person either- after all he's been through I'm not in the least surprised he is in a major funk! My heart goes out to him.

And well done on the weight loss btw.:D

kayos

OP when you had post-natal depression did your hubby support you? Or did he demand sex or say he was gonna leave you?

I was lucky when I had a cancer scare my OH stayed by my side and supported me through the depression that I suffered. But some family members cut me out of their life. When I talked about this in therapy I was told these people were selfish and that their problem was they were not getting the attention they wanted from me. But of course them doing this set me back as I then felt like I was losing my family and that it was my fault which of course was just making the depression seem deeper and darker. When you are suffering depression the last thing you want is people forcing you to do things you really are not in a position to do due to your emotional state. Their heart might be in the right place and they mean well in doing so but it can be the last thing someone with depression needs.

I did the same to someone who was suffering depression once i.e. the tough love approach and when they didn’t listen I got annoyed. When I learnt exactly how it felt to be in their shoes and on the receiving end I said sorry to that person who strangely enough apart from my OH was the only person not trying to practice it on me! Simple reason they knew what it can do to someone suffering with depression. They offered their support when I wanted it, they offered me a shoulder when I needed it, they gave me space when I asked. They did not try to force me to do anything I was able to do at the time.

Some people here are saying move out, give him an ultimatum etc. In all likelihood all you will achieve by doing that is push your husband further into depression and this might make him resent you for that. He needs your support not you bailing out on him. Remember the words you spoke when you got married for better or for worse, in sickness and in health.

He knows he has a problem, he understands it is hard on you; he acknowledges he has been less than nice to you at times. But he is taking the correct steps to try and come out of depression he is getting help. It can take some time but you have to understand that you being by his side and supporting him means more to him than he can express right now.

Once he has his problems sorted then you might find there is no need for couples counselling. But if there is then he will be in a place where he can give his full attention to this. Is it fair to the relationship to start this when he is most likely already trying to deal with a bunch of other issues?

As for the reply you got just after waking him… you could have asked if he was thinking of the beer in the fridge and he would have said the same. The man was half asleep! You suggested he was thinking about the footie not him! This is an example of the mind games some people like to play, not nice…. Say things like that joking fair enough but don’t say those things to trap someone and use their response against them.

Slutmonkey57b

CDfm wrote: »

Have a heart Slutmonkey.

It's not that I don't feel for the OP, but she needs to understand that when she walks away (I have no doubt she will), she's going to have to be able to deal with the very toxic fallout, and understand that whether she likes it or not, she will have been partly to blame for it. This is not going to be a simple case of "growing apart" that many people face, where the intimacy dries up naturally. Anyone telling her this is a simple "put your foot down, woman" fix is being heartless by lying to her.

She should be bringing him down to the GP for some Viagra so he can do his husbandly duties:cool:

CDfm wrote: »

And if I was the OP I would be onto the GP to get an appointment for a medication review pdq (pretty damn quick) and there is no time like the present.I wouldnt wait for him to make the move;)

GREAT advice for a testicular cancer survivor that can't face having sex. What could possibly go wrong? I mean, it's not like he'd start thinking that his dark feelings that he's no longer a real man are being confirmed by his wife's insistence on "making himself useful" and getting an artificial boner so she can have something to grind out some mechanical satisfaction on.... right? He won't feel that this is proof that the fundamental requirement to be a good man and husband is to be able to lash it into her hard and get her pregnant, which is something that he's now a fundamental failure at, and that won't at all increase the severity of the problem, right?

Apparently I'm heartless for warning the OP that walking out will have consequences. March him down to the GP and demand he get some wood up, that's golden advice....

CDfm wrote: »

I thought WOW what a great confidence booster for any guy to get that kind of attention.

Enthusiasm can be infectious and once he sees yours OP in one area he may be able to copy it in others areas of life he holds back on.

This is not just about this issue - but hey -its a fun thing to tackle about his illness as part of your lives.

Newsflash: The guy is not "any guy", he's a guy with a lot of serious problems that won't be solved by some knickers, a weekend away and scented candles.

but - and this is just my opinion - I think you need to show tough love here. Move out! Yep.. don't leave him, but move out and rent a flat or a room or something. This will:
1.Force him to confront what's going on in his head and see that you mean business.
2.Make him date you again and re-instill the romance.

Hands up who's never met a manic depressive.

3.See you for the attractive woman you are who he should be lucky to be with - and this will be all the more obvious to him when you are not under the same roof and he starts realising that there are other men out there who would love to be with you but you're not where he can keep an eye on you so it should prompt him to start making more effort to "date" you.

That is the scariest suggestion I've read on this thread.
I don't think I'm understating to suggest that the *likely* response of a guy in his situation to that logic is suicide. I seriously don't think you have read the OP's description of what her and her husband's situation is. This is not a date movie. The guy is not going to turn up at a press conference pretending to be from Horse and Hound to win her back.

4.Re-establish your own independance and self worth, so that when he gets his act together you both can live together again as equals, not one person who (can't think of a better word, so don't attach importance to this one, buttake my meaning if you can) screwed up and one who has the moral high ground - but as two equals.

You may have to realise at some point that the husband may not be able to get his act back together - and that the OP has essentially no control over that.

Whatever you do I hope it works out for you cos you sound very loyal and deserve to be appreciated. I'm not saying your hubby's a bad person either- after all he's been through I'm not in the least surprised he is in a major funk! My heart goes out to him.

And well done on the weight loss btw.:D

Cancer now results in a "major funk". Next up: Holocaust downgraded to "bit culturally inconvenient"

who007

ah go shove it. I endured clinical depression for years and only started getting better when a friend took things in hand and helped push me out of my own rut. Your responses are just as sensationalist as the ones you quote! pffffft!:rolleyes:

Slutmonkey57b

Clinical depression being "dragged out of a rut" by a friend is not at all the same as "staring literal death in the face twice". Overcoming your own depression doesn't give you any suggestion that someone else's problems are likely to be solved the same way. The OP's husband would be depressed anyway - since one of the factors behind the depression is testicular cancer, increased sexual pressure is not likely to suddenly make him see the light and get over it. The OP is not the person to help him out of the state he's in - and in any case her proposed course of action isn't helping him, it's leaving him.

If the husband is to get over his depression, it's going to take a lot of professional help, support, and ultimately himself.

who007

either way I just gave - as I stated! - my opinion - why don't you go jump down everyone else's throat now for giving theirs? I think you missed a few people off your list..

paperclip2

So in the last four years you have had PND, he has had testicular cancer, a serious illness in his back, a car accident, depression and ptsd as well as a death in the family. You also have two young kids. The last two years have been the worst. You are feeling unloved and without support. You feel you have been carrying the burden of supporting the relationship as well as trying to get your 'real' husband back.

Honey, without doubt you both have been through hell. With all the knocks you've had, you've probably been locked into firefighting mode, bracing yourself for the next wallop. I'm not surprised that you are feeling worn out. The mental stress of dealing with illness in a family member over an extended period of time is one of the most wearing things to go through. And your husband, God love him, has had the full set of trauma, physical, psychological and emotional. Wallop after wallop after wallop and all in a very short space of time.

Two years is no length to try and recover from one or two of the things on the list, never mind all of them. Your husband has had to face his mortality at least twice, maybe three times with the car accident, he's lost a family member, so maybe there's grief and loss tangled into the mix. They are two emotions that can seriously screw up your thinking bigtime on their own.
There's also a good chance that his sense of self as a man has taken a major hit with the testicular cancer and I would hazard a guess that he may be suffering almost as much from his rejection of you as you are. Yet one more nail in the coffin of his masculinity; 'The beautiful, sexy woman I married makes it clear she wants me and I make a mess of it. What kind of a man am I?'

You mentioned that he knows what he's putting you through. That God was going to punish him with death for how he had been acting and treating you. I think thats actually very scarey. Imagine feeling so low that you accept you deserve death, that there is no redeeming you, nothing worth keeping, in a sense. How physically and emotionally shattered the man must be feeling to believe that.
I dont know, but I imagine that the sort of experiences he has gone through might make you so battered emotionally, that the mental energy to engage with another person on an intimate level just isn't there. Its safer to keep all boundaries up, even with the nearest and dearest so he can fester, or heal behind them in comparative safety. You say you arranged counselling for him and he's going. Thats a positive but he has a hell of a long road in front of him before he's through this. Plus a big chunk of the repair work is stuff that he has to do on his own and in a way that can leave very little room for considering how you and your children are in all of this.

And what about you and your children? I think you need to maybe do whats best for yourself here, but I do also think that you might benefit from talking to someone who knows what its like living with serious illness in a family member. Being permanently locked into crisis mode is not a good way to live longterm and it can take some time and space for you to even get some realistic perspective on the experiences you have gone through. When you have that, then maybe you might be in a stronger position to decide what you want for the future.

I hope things work out well for you and your husband OP. You both really do deserve a break.

(Sorry for the overlong post )

CDfm

i dont agree with the kick in the arse stuff

its a bit harsh on OP and may not be practical

Stheno

I can understand where the OP is coming from, it's very difficult to be the "strong/coping" partner in a relationship for a sustained period of time and to make attempts to move things on.

It might sound selfish but everyone needs support and to me OP it sounds like you have handled a lot of this on your own or with your partner which has done neither of you any real good.

You both need imo to start talking to each other, and building up support networks outside of your relationships where you can let up steam, that's if you are still willing to work on the relationship.

That in itself will be a huge benefit imo, along with counselling, without both, you will find things difficult.

best of luck

CDfm

Slutmonkey57b wrote: »

GREAT advice for a testicular cancer survivor that can't face having sex. What could possibly go wrong? I mean, it's not like he'd start thinking that his dark feelings that he's no longer a real man are being confirmed by his wife's insistence ....

Newsflash: The guy is not "any guy", he's a guy with a lot of serious problems that won't be solved by some knickers, a weekend away and scented candles

Thats a bit heavy for me- but the knickers bit - i didnt think of -great idea

Life is for living and making the best of when you are in a position to

All I know is that he is a guy with a medical problem and who is depressed and which may need help.

OP - I think you are great wanting to action stuff and trying to make stuff better.

Stheno

CDfm wrote: »

All I know is that he is a guy with a medical problem and who is depressed.

OP - I think you are great wanting to action stuff

Whilst it's great that the OP is willing to seek advice potentially on her problem and alternatives to leaving her husband, it's a bit shallow to say that all you know is that he is a guy with a medical problem

He's a guy who has had testicular cancer, as a women I can only imagine that as being the cancer equivalent of castration, and he's had to cope with PND, living a "normal life" and god knows what else.

The OP has had to cope with her OH having this cancer, his other serious illness, her PND, and being the "strong" partner.

That's tough, very very very tough, I'd a partner who had severe depression, but nothing like the OP and I found it hard to deal with hence my post above that both need support networks and counselling if they are to have any future together.

CDfm

nouggatti wrote: »

Whilst it's great that the OP is willing to seek advice potentially on her problem and alternatives to leaving her husband, it's a bit shallow to say that all you know is that he is a guy with a medical problem

He's a guy who has had testicular cancer, as a women I can only imagine that as being the cancer equivalent of castration, and he's had to cope with PND, living a "normal life" and god knows what else.

The OP has had to cope with her OH having this cancer, his other serious illness, her PND, and being the "strong" partner.

That's tough, very very very tough, I'd a partner who had severe depression, but nothing like the OP and I found it hard to deal with hence my post above that both need support networks and counselling if they are to have any future together.

Women and men think differently and the OP and her hubby have and had a lot on their plate -none of it easy.

I hope no one thinks I am belittling the issues -but in my experience its better to tackle problems in small tranches.

Maybe I focused on the sex issue but -its a symptom - and I mentioned that it should be discussed with the GP for counceling and whatever.

Anyone with PND should not make huge life altering decisions for some time and should make sure they have both professional and other support networks.

LegacyUser

Hi,

I want to thank everyone who posted in this thread. Whilst the sex wasn't the real issue, it felt like the final straw, but a decision has been made.

I wrote my husband a letter explaining that I felt over the last 4 years, taking some 'quotes' from this thread and yesterday being valentines day we talked and talked and talked and talked.

My husband has accepted he is seriously depressed. He is going back on the anti depressants and will continue with counselling and I will continue to support him and be more considerate.

We will see how we get on in the next 6 - 12 months. But for the moment I will not be leaving him in his hour of need.

Thanks everyone.

Slutmonkey57b

There was never going to be an easy answer to all of this. You've made the most balanced decision you can, but both of you still have a lot to get through. Don't have any expectations, so long as you're both doing what you need to, things will heal and improve in their own time, if it's possible. Good luck with it anyway.

Wibbs

It won't be easy, but fair play for sticking with this. Good luck.

CDfm

Im with Wibbs here. You sound a wee bit more positive and proactive then at first.

Good for you. For the win.

Toots

Wibbs wrote: »

It won't be easy, but fair play for sticking with this. Good luck.

+1, very best of luck and I hope everything works out for you both.