Boyfriend's mother is a bit off...

popecatapetal

This problem is nowhere near as big as many of the other problems posted here, but it's been bugging me for a while.

My boyfriend's mum is odd. She's phobic of dirt, but won't touch the dirt to clean. As a result, her house is filthy, her kitchen is cleaned maybe once a year, and the rest of the house is just as bad. She has a tray by the front door to catch letters coming in the letterbox, but if they touch the floor, they just get pushed to one side and never moved again. She's got a pile of them going back years, and some of them aren't even for her, they've been delivered to the wrong house, but she still won't let anyone move them.

I don't go over to his house very often, because it disgusts me. I've offered to help her clean it, and so has my boyfriend, but she won't let anyone do anything because they might throw away something important. Her garage is full of broken furniture and sacks of rubbish, but any talk of ordering a skip or heading to the dump with them results in hysterics.

My boyfriend has been sleeping on the same mattress almost all his life (he's 21). It's ancient, the springs are poking out no matter which way you turn it. He's tired all the time these days cos his mattress is so awful he can't sleep on it, but he's not allowed get a new one cos there's nowhere to put the old one. He's said he'll get rid of it himself, but still no go. And he's not able to move out cos he's in 3rd year of a course with a 50% failure rate, so he has no time to work.

I just don't know how to help, and I want to, because he's so miserable. I've offered to let him sleep at my place, but my sister shares the room with me, so he doesn't like to do that very often.

What would you do?

MagicMarker

popecatapetal wrote: »

What would you do?

I would suggest the mother go see a professional.

Are there any younger children in the house?

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

Get him a mattress :P.

Seriously, sounds like OCD. Or some fear that a change in routine or order will have some serious consequence. I'd suggest wiating until she's out and the two of you just go for it, but if the OCD theory is right, check first.

Gauge

Ikky Poo2 wrote: »

Get him a mattress :P.

Seriously, sounds like OCD. Or some fear that a change in routine or order will have some serious consequence. I'd suggest wiating until she's out and the two of you just go for it, but if the OCD theory is right, check first.

It really does sound like OCD- compulsive hoarding is sometimes found in people with OCD.

This website has some information on it- maybe your boyfriend could take a look at it and see if the descriptions fit his mother?

ocfoundation.org wrote:

People with compulsive hoarding syndrome may have immense difficulty throwing anything away, from the oldest paper clip, to a used food container, to an out-of-date newspaper, for fear that they might need those items in the future. Their homes are often full of stuff that the rest of us would call "junk." The most commonly saved items include newspapers, magazines, old clothing, bags, books, mail, notes, and lists.

popecatapetal

MagicMarker wrote: »

I would suggest the mother go see a professional.

Are there any younger children in the house?

His brother is 18, and his sister is 14. The brother has had his shoulder length hair forcibly shaved when a letter came home from school, warning them that someone in another class had headlice...

His mother really doesn't think there's anything wrong with her. She has two showers a day, and wears 4 pairs of rubber gloves to touch the wheelie bin. She thinks this is normal. When I told her that my family had bought a dog, she was disgusted, and said something about his dirt piling up everywhere - I think she thinks other people clean their houses as little as she does... I really don't think there's any chance of her seeing a therapist.

Ikky Poo2 wrote: »

I'd suggest wiating until she's out and the two of you just go for it, but if the OCD theory is right, check first.

As for cleaning the house when she's not there - that would result in some major hysterics. My boyfriend borrows the vacuum cleaner when his mother's out, to clean his room. His mother regards his room as filthy, because the first time I visited (4.5 years ago) I didn't know I was supposed to take my shoes off at the back door, and I walked in his room in outdoor shoes. So he's not supposed to use the vacuum cleaner in there, cos it'll get dirty. She came home early one day, found him cleaning his room, and screamed at him for quite close to an hour. He also has to do his laundry when she's out, or else it won't get done for weeks. It's depressing...

MagicMarker

If there's a 14 year old in the house then there's a serious case of neglect here tbh.

Tell her if she doesn't want to be reported to social services then she should look for help.

Tough maybe, but their standard of living is unacceptable.

FrancieB

Ha ha, thats brilliant. What a nut job. How about not telling her and sneak a new maitress ujp the stairs. I might have a buyer for the 21 year old matress

Nevyn

I would consider reporting her to socail services.
It can be done anon do that she never knows, they will call to the house and
they have a home support service with people who will come in and clean the place
and will try get her to a dr.

Please do this for all thier sakes.

LegacyUser

give the mother a proper cleaning glove.. that way she don't have to touch the dirt..
and can actually clean using it.. then throw the glove away

how does she get by daily routine i wonder..??
dirt is everywhere!!

Zaph

FrancieB wrote: »

Ha ha, thats brilliant. What a nut job. How about not telling her and sneak a new maitress ujp the stairs. I might have a buyer for the 21 year old matress

FrancieB, if you've nothing useful to add to the discussion then I suggest you refrain from posting again. Another unhelpful post will earn you an infraction and/or ban.

yellowcurl

How do they eat in the house? Does she even clean plates, pots etc?

There is probably a good chance that there is some harmful bacteria growing in that house.

tinkerbell

It's very strange that since she is totally scared of dirt that she doesn't keep the house so clean. You'd think that if she did have OCD she wouldn't be able to even walk into the house because it was so dirty? I think there might be something deeper going on there ...

Since the mother won't clean it, how about you and your boyfriend start room by room whenever she's not there? Or how about you get a family member involved? Like get an aunt or uncle to invite her to their house for the day and then get your other aunts and uncles to help clean the house? OR just bring in some professional cleaners (if ye can afford it that is).

As for "accidentally throwing stuff away" (what she said she's afraid of), buy some plastic see-through boxes (any good home store) and store all the stuff in that - post all the letters pile by the postbox into one box, etc. Then just stack all the boxes up in a spare room or something.

About the mattress thing ... why won't she let him replace it? Is it because she wants to hoard it somewhere in the house and is afraid of removing it from the house? Perhaps if your boyfriend can get his mother to give him some money then he can go out, buy the mattress, put it in while mother is gone out and remove the other one. She'll never know the difference if he has the bed clothes on it! (Maybe he should say that the money is for college books or something)

MadelineNYC

Frankly what you describe is more than just "a bit off." It sounds like a true psychological disease. Clearly she needs help, but making her get it might not be possible.

With the younger kids living there I do think social services should be involved...but that's a very delicate question. I think your BF needs to be the one to call them, not you. He may end up resenting you if you call them and then all hell breaks loose. Even though he hates the way the house is, it's what he's used to. If the younger kids get taken away it could really rock the boat for him.

He should get out of there as soon as he can. In the meantime, he may want to put his foot down about HIS room..He's 21 afterall? Is she ever out of the house for a long period? It would probably be worth risking her having a fit to get the old mattress out of there and the new one in. If he's got so much hard work at school he needs a restful night sleep.

BTW, where's the father in all of this?

LolaLuv

I'm not a big Oprah fan, but she did an episode on hoarding a while back. You might find it useful. If you click on the "Related Links" you can get more information. Maybe it will have suggestions about how to approach a hoarder, or you could just show it to your boyfriend's mam.

http://www.oprah.com/slideshow/oprahshow/slideshow1_ss_repair_20071115_350

estar

Thaedydal wrote: »

I would consider reporting her to socail services.
It can be done anon do that she never knows, they will call to the house and
they have a home support service with people who will come in and clean the place
and will try get her to a dr.

Please do this for all thier sakes.

this poor woman needs help. and the 14 year old needs you to do this for their sakes. she has a psychiatric disorder that can be treated quite easily. if you report her she will get support from social services who will insist the house is cleaned and visit regularly.

she needs to be on medication for her OCD - she is trying to control her feelings of panic by controlling everything around her.

Beaucoupfish

Tell your boyfriend to move out. Whats more important? A proper life because of decent sleep or his course. He can put his course on hold due to his predicament. You have to get your priorities right.

Leitrim lass

I don't think your boyfriend should be trusting his poor mum to be responsible here. She is clearly suffering from some kind of disorder...sounds like OCD. i think he should be brave and insist on the house being cleaned whether she likes it or not. Print off some stuff from the internet on OCD and show it to her, get leaflets on it from your doctor and show them to her. Force her to see that she has a problem, not just for her sake but for her children also. your boyfriend should tell her that he will involve social services if she refuses to face up to things. the poor woman is probably miserable and scared stiff all day every day of catching a disease or something. If she won't be a responsible adult for her 14 year old childs sake then your boyfriend should step in because the woman does not sound reasonable enough to get help herself, and I doubt she will just snap out of it.

John Mason

OP, how long has this being going on?

It could be linked to undignosised post natal depression but we could sit here talking all day what the problem could or couldnt be.

Someone need to ring social services if not for the 14 years sake for the sake of the mother. she needs to evaluated and can probably be "cured" easily enough

but you must do something positive

CDfm

I agree with PFB this is a case for social services.

Isn't it amazing that a woman can go on for years without being reported.

Thoie

Regardless of what conditions the woman may or may not have, mention ozonators to her, and tell her about how they kill germs without anyone having to touch anything. Offer to get one (they can be expensive), and do the hall first, say, so that the letters can be picked up, then move on to different rooms. Perhaps if the place has been "degermed" she could be persuaded to let people clean?

CDfm

Thoie wrote: »

Regardless of what conditions the woman may or may not have, mention ozonators to her, and tell her about how they kill germs without anyone having to touch anything. Offer to get one (they can be expensive), and do the hall first, say, so that the letters can be picked up, then move on to different rooms. Perhaps if the place has been "degermed" she could be persuaded to let people clean?

Thats all well and good but her behaviour is affecting the lives of others and that is not good.

I think like PFB says its a matter for the Social Workers and shouldnt be tackled by the g/f of a 21 y/o.

John Mason

Thoie wrote: »

Regardless of what conditions the woman may or may not have, mention ozonators to her, and tell her about how they kill germs without anyone having to touch anything. Offer to get one (they can be expensive), and do the hall first, say, so that the letters can be picked up, then move on to different rooms. Perhaps if the place has been "degermed" she could be persuaded to let people clean?

this needs to be dealt by professionals not by children or buying gadgets

Thoie

Apologies OP, I was suggesting it as an "as well as" professional help, not "instead of", but that didn't come across in my post. Professional help will take time to show results.

Kooli

This is a really difficult situation OP, I feel for you and your boyfriend. The fact is that tiptoeing around his mother, allowing her 'eccentricities' and agreeing to leave the place as it is isn't actually helping her, and agreed she does need professional help.
Any dad on the scene?

popecatapetal

There is a dad, but he doesn't seem too interested. He steam cleans the kitchen before any family gatherings (the once-a-year cleaning I mentioned) but that's about all he does around the house. The rest of the time he works, plays golf and watches tv.

I'd be a bit worried about calling social services... I know it's for the best, but it seems a bit intrusive... I've mentiioned it to my mother before, and she says I should stay out of it, that interfering with a boyfriend's family life leads to fighting. I'll have to think about it...

The reason she might not have been reported before is that any visitors that come over aren't allowed out of the kitchen, so they can't see the rest of the house. It took months of persuasion by my boyfriend to get her to let me stay over (I lived at home in Limerick for the first year of the relationship, and he's in Dublin. We had to stay over at each other's houses if we wanted to see each other.)

MJOR

God it's a tough one. I can see why you wouldn't want to interfere.It sounds like she needs help though. She msut on some level know the hosue is dirty

CDfm

It is a tough one and you are only 21.

The first thing to consider is you and your boyfriend - as you have your own place and dont live there -it really doesnt affect you that much really. So does it affect your life and your relationship?

Your boyfriend could move out if it really gets to him. Or could get together with his dad and brothers and clean the place. He is 21 FFS and his Dad cant be happy living like this. They must know its ODD.

The next thing is on a personal level does your B/f want to do anything about it. He could make the complaint anonymously and his mother wouldnt know. You have no moral duty to. Though it may be argued that you have a civic duty to.

So I would say discuss it with your B/f and see what he wants to do. If its nothing - leave it and get on with life.

If you feel that one of the kids is in danger -phone social services or Childline and leave them deal with it.

She sounds like an absolute nutter and tyrant to me.

LegacyUser

It sounds a lot like OCD, I have a friend who has OCD and while he needs everything neat and tidy he wont touch anything that he percives could be dirty. He washes his hands about thirty times a day with anti-bacterial stuff and he checks the doors about 6 times before he leaves the house.

While she may hate the dirt, she might hate the idea of getting dirty even more.

JuliusCaesar

CDfm wrote: »

It is a tough one and you are only 21.

Your bf could contact ocdireland.org - they run a support group in dublin for family and friends of OCD sufferers and might be able to offer advice.

"The Dublin Support Group meets twice a month in St Patrick’s Hospital."

http://www.ocdireland.org/ ...pretty far down the page....links to the calendar with dates of meetings

http://www.ocdireland.org/family.shtml for general info

Maybe your bf could get his father to go along too....

Motley Crue

popecatapetal wrote: »

What would you do?

Seek professional medical help and advice. She may not want it, or thank you at first - if ever at all - but she needs it because without this kind of proper help she will be in serious risk

Ill give you an example. What happens if she trips and falls, and needs to go to hospital, and cannot take the sanitary conditions of the hospital ward so refuses treatment unless she is discharged? People cannot live like this and she needs help.

kmick

Don't get involved. You cant help someone who doesn't think they need help and it seems like the rest of the family are complicit in that they just go along with it. Your boyfriend is old enough to ask his dad for 100 quid to buy a new mattress and replace the old one if he wants to.