Can't stand up for myself

LegacyUser

Hi, Every now and again in my life i end up in a confrontational situation ,like everybody. It rarely happens because I tend to get on with anyone, and often get the impression that people dont like getting into situations with me because Im 'sound' or whatever.

Anyway it happened again today , a situation in work where there was a group of us talking, basically an argument was developing about what we had to do about something work related (sorry a bit vague I know). Things got messy and I was being accused of something indirectly, my name was never mentioned but I know it was about me.
The problem is I am very bad at confrontation when things get serious. I lose my train of thought and can never compose a good argument. I also get nervous being put on the spot against one other person if its a serious argument, this in turn makes me back down before I even start.
I hated myself coming home from work today and kept replaying in my head what I could have said at the time. Instead I just kept my mouth shut. I know thats common but I never ever want to be in confrontational situations and this is making me weak.
Is there any advice about developing confidence issues for this kind of thing. Its much much worse with friends, but still very bad with strangers.
Even a good book or something that I could read that could inspire me to stand up for myself and not care about the consequences.
Thanks

Gholimoli

You have to look at the real reason why you don’t like confrontations?
I mean im not aggressive by nature at all but I would have no problem speaking out if I felt the need.

The reason could be that you may be concerned about what ppl may think if you disagree with them ,or if you argue your case or defend your self…but then you have to ask your self why you care about what they think and why that has such a big impact on you…

A lot of confidence issues in ppl IMO are there because they have been there so long and not been addressed… I mean you have no asked your self the right questions about what it is that actually holds you back…try to be honest with you self…it may be hard at first but if you persist at it will get really easy …ask your self the why’s and be honest with your self when you are answering…eventually you get to the cuz of the issue and from there you just have to put some effort in trying to resolve it.

Sorry I don’t have any books to recommend to you as I don’t read all that much but look in to CBT therapy which is most about fixing your thought process and how your perceive things …it’s deffo worth a look IMO.
Best of luck

LegacyUser

Its a common problem. But even if you can't handle a confrontation 'in the moment' its perfectly ok to go away, compose yourself, work out what you want to say, tone it down in your head and then go back and say it slowly and calmly. That strategy might even make people more inclined to listen than if you just 'reacted'. Try it, as it may mean that when you do say your piece, its less of a big blow up and therefore less scary. Say little, in your own time, but make it direct and not in the heat of anger.

Craft25

Unregistered wrote: »

because Im 'sound' or whatever.

i won't take issue with that.. i'm sure you are.

My question is do you feel like you constantly need to come accross sound to everybody?? It is impossible for everybody to like you no matter who you are, how good or nice, someone will take issue.

but anyway alot of the VEC education institutions run assertiveness courses, everyone else there will be in the same position as you so theres no weakness in going and solving your problem. Once you start to practise standing up for yourself you'll have the hang of it in no time.

PS. If that person crossed any line you should not feel that you can't raise it the next day in work, either with them or the boss.. but that's a judgement call!

Moon_Eyes

Unregistered wrote: »

Is there any advice about developing confidence issues for this kind of thing. Its much much worse with friends, but still very bad with strangers.
Even a good book or something that I could read that could inspire me to stand up for myself and not care about the consequences.
Thanks

Hiya

I wasn't much good myself at it for years and sometimes I think I'm not much better, but I am actually a lot better than I thought and have realised it lately.

It's painful when you'll do absolutely anything to avoid a to do or words that you potentially think will lead to a row. Getting to it really does come from practice though and using situations as potential growth areas for your own confidence and technique at asserting or communicating without it turning into a row. It doesn't have to and most times won't but maybe you're a little bit scared that's what's gonna happen? If you're dealing with reasonable people most times it won't... Although this doesn't always happen and you get to meet some delightful fruit baskets in your job sometimes, or it could be a high pressure job, but it's all just fodder for your ego to practice on.

What works for me at work is trying to seperate myself from the discussion or the task or issue that's being resolved. Don't think of it as any part of you or your personality, try breaking it down into facts alone and leaving out feelings as much as you can. If it means you have to speak louder than someone else to get your speak in, so be it. You can bet that's what they're going to do. Just keep sticking to the facts when it comes to talking and if anyone tries to bring personal stuff or personality into it, just repeatedly go back to facts and don't take the bait.

If you have problems with your voice cracking up or anything like that, google "Toastmasters" they are a group devoted to public speaking and anyone can join. Otherwise all I found that worked for me was years of practice and trying to gain some new perspective, as in, if it did turn into anything like petty disagreements to accept that they happen and no one's perfect. I bet you're a bit of a perfectionist and you hate thinking that someone else would think bad of you for saying or doing A, B or C...am I right? Maybe not but this is where I think it stems from with me, everything has to go perfect and no one's allowed to be disgruntled or angry with me because I'm supposed to get it right all the time... there's loads of people like that.

Anyway try using it like a game sometimes for practice, the more times you actually go through with asserting your views in a situation, even if it the outcome isn't always what you you think it should have been, so what, it'll make you stronger in character that you spoke up because you'll realise more and more it's not the end of the world if you ruffle someone's feathers, or they yours, and you won't fall out with them forever.

I also read "Feel the fear and do it anyway" by Susan Jeffers which is an excellent motivational book for any suituation from personal to work. Good luck sorry this is so long but I can identify with your post.... M_E

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies, maybe it is a situation where I care too much about what other people think of me, but its hard to tell because it wouldnt bother me if someone just didnt like me. The person in particular I was talking about in the first post is a very loud, very assertive agresssive type person who'll argue to the end even if hes wrong so that wouldnt have helped it.

But even then its the same with my own good friends , I always try and avoid a potential confrontation with them , if Im annoyed over something I tend to let it go(a bit too much).

Moon_eyes I might try out toastmasters and that book and see how I get on.
I guess I just have to stop caring about what others think of me, even if its friends.

Right im off to go pick on a few friends!!!