Work.

LegacyUser

I feel bad even posting this because I know Ireland is suffering at the moment with unemployment, but It's my job, I'm permanent, paid OK, lucky to have a job I suppose. I live abroad, mainland Europe, moved last year. It’s my Manager. Since Christmas she has been making my life a misery. Sits opposite me at work and she is constantly on my case. Shouting at me, demanding instant answers, picking on me. She is now having meetings and not inviting me when I should be there (2 of us work closely together) and when in this meeting she talked about me and said to my colleague that she was showing me tough love. I don’t think this is proper behavior for a manager. I feel like I am walking on eggshells, I cant say anything or she jumps down my throat. I have never felt this shattered in my life. I know I am not the most experienced in my role but I am learning, work hard, she even comments that I am a worker. She runs projects that are doomed to fail and then I get the grief, that’s why I have been getting the abuse since Christmas. A project failed, it was noted high up and she is getting it from the business. Actually she was going to sack me after Christmas because of my attitude but another manager warned me about it so I changed my attitude. I might add that my attitude was that I was shouted at when she got back to the office, no how was Christmas, just straight attack. She blames me totally for the failure but as I tried to point out it wasn’t my fault, she is 100% blaming me but in fact, if push came to shove its her fault, bad planning and agreeing to impossible things. I also think it was very unprofessional of her telling another manager that my job was in jeopardy if I didn’t change my attitude (It’s not all my fault attitude!) but that’s another story. I might add that this manager then thought he was in love with me, got upset at my rejection, said he didn’t want to work with me anymore on projects, she took me aside and had a talk with me about, men, work, trying to get the news, another unprofessional move I think.
So, today she started again as she does every day. Shouting, demanding insane things and constantly embarrassing me in front of everybody. What am I going to do? She broke me today but I obviously didn’t let her see that. I am so sad at work. I think today was the worst because I know her plan is to show me "Tough Love". I have asked for a meeting with her Manager on Friday. He thinks shes great, everybody outside her team does, has power in the company but she's not great. If he was free today I would have handed in my notice, been jobless, cried more, but I would have tried to tell my side of the story. I think she is bullying me. Last year she tried the same with my other team mate. Made her life a misery, I can see it clearly now because she is being all buddy buddy with her and I was her buddy before my failure. Maybe its Karma?

I’m so frustrated because I feel trapped, I don’t let people walk all over me but in this situation I have to put up.

If I leave my job I will leave this type of work altogether, try something new but that’s another risk, maybe its the kick up the arse I need.

Any advice would be great. Maybe I just have to shut up and put up.

jester77

Start looking for a new job, things are not too bad on the continent, still plenty of jobs around. No point waking up every morning dreading going into work, that's no life. Just think how much time you spend working, the only thing you spend more time doing is sleeping... and you wouldn't put up with an uncomfortable bed!

JoeyW

OP, that is very much a case of being bullied. I really think you should try something else before leaving. She really should'nt be allowed to get away with this. She obviously knows what shes at when she talks about 'tough love'. What a cow, I really feel for you. There is nothing as bad as being made to feel like a worthless piece of **** every day. Talk to her manager, tell him/her that you really feel like resigning over this.
No job is worth feeling like that but at the same time, I know exactly what you mean about being lucky to have a job at all. Still, sometimes I think no job would be better than taking abise like that every day.

dblennon

I had a similar situation when I was new, boss wasn't half as bad as that though.

a colleague fealt I was being bullied and spoke to a senior manager about it, at the time I just thought "tough love" as you said, but it did stop instantantly when it was reported.

I realised how bad it was and I was so much better at my job after he stopped acting like he did.

A 3rd party complaint will always be better than if you raise it up.
Most companies will take this very seriously so I wouldn't be afraid to do something about it.

partyguinness

I had a client who came to me with a similar problem. Being constantly bullied. She even complained a few times and she was just told to get on with it as that was her personality.

Bottom line..she left the job and I took the case to the Employment Appeals Tribunal and she was awarded €5,000.00.

But the sense of relief she felt having left her job..she was ill from the stress..

estar

i was in this situation too, an insecure manager showing how great she was by heaping all her **** on me.

i reacted by getting quite stressed. however i watched a guy in my situation react by forming friends around him, doing his work quietly and completely ignoring all personal abuse.

you have two choices

1. leave

2. form a coping strategy.

if you are going to pursue 2 then start getting tough, and fair. take notes of every meeting and conversation you have. ask to be included in meetings when you should be and when she says no ask why in a polite way.

if she shouts and abuses you ask her to stop. say when she does it, sorry but would you mind not shouting, it puts me on edge. say this in front of other people, in a polite smiley and non confrontational manner. say it every time she does it.

build relationships outside your team. join the social committee. be upbeat.
show the people around her that you are good. make yourself so popular she can't be too negative about you.

dont be crying to senior managers. it doesnt work. what they want is a quiet life. so unless you are going to build a case against her and take it to a solicitor, HR, her boss etcetc are going to do nothing about her as long as she does a good job (ie makes them money)

that leaves you and your ability to manage her. its tough. but its the way it is. if you show you are able for her, and take no sh%t in a nice way that cannot be misconstrued as attitude, then maybe it will be noticed.

try and get a transfer away from her if you can long term.

make an ally of the other girl. by treating one of you as a buddy and the other as a whipping boy intermittently she is pitting one of you against the other. join forces against her with the other girl if you can. go for lunch together. make light of the situation with her. that will intimidate her.

basically she is not able to do her job, in my opinion anyone who regularly gets so stressed that she shouts at other people is out of their depth.

so she already makes herself look bad all on her own. the less you react and are calm the worse she looks. at the end of the day the project fails and even if she tries to blame you - she was in charge. its her as% on the line.

keep a diary every day of incidents etc just in case.

these are my thoughts. been there done that, cried in the toilets, so good luck. if you can survive this b&tch really you willl survive anything.

and the good news is she cannot complain about your work as you are a hard worker, and that protects you.

show her in a nice way that you arent afriad of her. what have you got to lose. if she tries to blame you for stuff, outline calmly to her how you reached the goals she set, and how did she want you to do things differnetly.

and finalyl take up a cardio kick boxing class to de-stress and get rid of the anger.

dont let this ^stupid b^tch break you. get angry. get calm.

estar

the stupid b%stard who wont work with you on projects after he came onto you is the one you should be complaining. what a crock!!!!!! how did you reject him - in a nice way or nasty way?

because if you were ncie about it, and he still reacted like that, that my friend is sexual harassment.

this company sounds pretty unprofessional all round.

but you are permanent and have rights. what does the other girl on your team think?

LegacyUser

Hi, OP here. That you all so much for your replies, they mean the world to me, I suppose confirm that this is wrong, she is being a bully. I have not been to work since I posted. Thank God, I needed the break and would have had a break down if I had gone back. I have had a few good people that I work with visit and call to advise me on how to act when I go back to work on Monday. As soon as her Manager is free I am having a meeting with him and I will detail the whole thing. He will have to address it with her but I'm sure that’s all there will be. I am ready to fight this bully because they shouldn’t get away with it. In the mean time I am going to continue to work hard, not take her abuse and I will heed the advice from all of you in how to deal with her aggressive behavior towards me. As for the other girl I work with, she has shocked me in how she is pally pally with the boss, offering her lifts home, pathetic but at least I see her real character now. I already have a good relationship with most in the office, I am generally liked and most who know I am having problems told me to fight it and win. I am feeling much stronger now. With regard to the other man who feel in love, he's just a stupid man, I wouldn’t be able to bring him up on sexual harassment charges because I think deep down he didn’t mean any harm. I was nice with my rejection, too nice maybe and that's why he reacted the way he did. Once again, thank you guys and I will update this when the drama does really start to begin.