Angry about my aunt having Cancer

gazzer

I dont normally post in this forum but its almost midnight and I cant sleep as I am so angry about what is happening to my aunt.

I have grown up with this woman in my life. From the time I was a baby she would babysit me. She brought me to see all the major films of my childhood (Star Wars, Superman, ET). She was the person who brought me to Funderland for the first time. My first time to go to England on a boat was because of her. My first time in McDonalds was because of her. She always brought me shopping in town and always treated me to little presents.

When I hit my teens I used to stay with her 3 times out of the week. I loved staying with her as she let me stay up late watching tv and let me watch tv early in the morning (my mum wouldnt let us put on tv at weekends until after midday). When i bunked off school me and my mate would go to her house as she was in work. We would watch videos all day . When I started dating and going to pubs etc I would stay there also. Did this up till I was around 23. Then I moved into my own place but still saw her at least once a week.

To be honest she is more like a grandmother to me. She is somebody that I love to bits and this is why I am so angry.

She went to the doctor in Dec 08 as she wasnt feeling great. After some tests it was found she had a small tumour in her lung. The doctor was pretty hopeful that it could be treated so after the initial shock she (and the rest of us) were confident that she would get through this.

2 weeks later (Xmas Day) she was coming to my parents for dinner. I picked her up in the car and she was complaining of a bad pain in her leg. She was in a bad way for most of the day and for the days following. It cumalated in her been taking into hospital a few days into the new year. After 2 days in a cold and draughty A&E she was put into a ward where she was given the news that the cancer had spread to her glands and her bones.

She was then put on a course of radiotherapy and a large amount of tablets (30 a day) and came home just over 2 weeks ago. She has gradually got worse and more confused and my mum and other aunties (her sisters) have been taken turns to make sure there is somebody there with her all the time (she never married and has no kids).

She went back to the doctor last week to find out about a planned course of chemo she was due to start this week. The doctor told her she was too weak for the chemo but that if she got stronger in the future they would reconsider.

Today she had a stroke and a heart attack and is in hospital hooked up to a load of machines as we speak. The cancer has also spread to her brain.

Im so angry that this fantastic woman has to suffer like this. I cant believe that this is happening so quickly to her. I want to cry but I cant. I am not living in Dublin so havnt been able to be with her as much as I want. I am driving up to Dublin tomorrow and plan to stay as long as I can with her.

In a way I feel like I shouldnt be upset as I am because she is my aunt and not say my granny or my sister or mum but this woman has been a huge part of my life and I cant believe she is going to be gone soon. I just cant handle this fact.

Sorry for rambling but I just need to write all of this down and get my feelings expressed. If I could swap places with her I would. I just cant believe that god could let a person like this suffer so much.

Thanks for reading

smileyhappy

You poor thing. Your aunt obviously means an awful lot to you so of course it's ok to feel like this.

My thoughts are with you

MizzLolly

Hey OP,

So sorry to hear about your aunt. You've got every right to feel upset. Your reaction isn't stupid at all. It doesn't matter that she's not your mother or your grandmother. What's important is that she is a very special part of your life and that you love her very much. It doesn't make a difference what 'title' she has. She's a huge part of your life and you are more than justified in feeling angry and upset.

I do understand how you feel. When my Godmother died I couldn't even believe it. I felt like my whole body was numb and I didn't think it was really happening. I looked at her like a second mother, I practically grew up with her daughter and she was always an important part of my life. I'd imagined her at my graduation day and at my wedding etc.. but yet when she died suddenly I felt like a selfish cow for feeling so hurt when I knew that she had closer family grieving for her. Looking back, it was silly for me to ever think that I was wrong to be hurt. She was a huge part of my life, from the time I was born right up until she died and I loved her like I love any of my family members. So you are not wrong to feel how you do.

Allow yourself to feel what you're feeling. Tell her exactly what she means to you. Even just for yourself. Vocalise it and make it real and accept what you're feeling. There's nothing wrong with being angry or upset. You're losing a very precious part of your life. You deserve to cry and grieve regardless of what her position in your family tree is.

She sounds like a great lady OP and I'm so sorry to hear that she is suffering like this.

Take care of yourself.

tbh

Anger is one of the first signs of grief, so what you are going through is perfectly normal. One of my best friends had cancer when he was 17 and nearly died, but he beat it and lived every day to the full - doing those things that we all would like to do but put off - he did them every day. 12 years later, two months after he finally got it together with the love of his life he died of a heart attack, totally out of the blue, and I was absolutely raging. That's not the way life is supposed to work right? But unfortunately, good people have as much of a chance of dying early as bad people. Listen, the only practical advice I can give you would be

1. Don't question what you are feeling. You're a machine that's been developed over the last 100,000 years, and what you are feeling is normal and natural. Don't fight it.

2. Make sure you tell your aunt exactly what you've told us. Please do this for me if you haven't already done it.

best of luck mate.

Tupins

Gazzer I am so sorry for what you are going through at the moment - it's horrible and there's no way out of it unfortunately.

I want to say that I totally understand the whole 'she's just my aunt not my mother' kind of feeling. A few years ago my niece died and to say I was devastated is putting it mildly. She was just a baby so I can't say we had this or that type of relationship but I found that I was so heartbroken for what could have been. I have another niece that I am so close to (actually your relationship with your aunt sounds exactly like ours) so I had plenty of hopes of being just as close with my new niece, and sure I just fell in love with her the moment I saw her.

I remember feeling selfish and so self pitying and kept saying to myself, she wasn't your daughter. I felt I had no right to be feeling so much grief. Other people didn't help and as a lot of people know, people can say the most insesitive and unhelpful things around these times. I found that when I would turn to friends and try to express how I was feeling I was being told "yes but imagine how 'x & y' (her parents) are feeling?". This made me feel so selfish. In the end I just stopped talking about it.

At the end of the day, I've realised that grief is such a personal thing. Everyone feels it differently. I know that you are feeling so bad right now that it's human nature that you want everyone to understand it but the truth is everyone won't. Please don't for one moment feel that you have no right to feel so upset because she is 'just' your aunt. She sounds like a lovely woman who built a loving relationship with you your whole life and you have every right to feel as you do. You have a difficult time ahead of you so be kind to yourself.

InReality

This sort of thing is very hard to go through, its the hardest thing most people ever have to deal with.

I think the drip-feed of hope and then disappointment is a very nasty roller-coaster to be on. It seems the doc's didn't give the fullest picture of what might happen or how quickly things can go wrong. Maybe they are trained that way or are just a bit indifferent.
It might even be the best way to do it for most people, there are no clear answers in this area.

Its a hard thing to read through, so must have been even worse to go and be going through.
Just take things one day at a time and cry as much as you need to.

gazzer

Thanks everybody for your kind words. I really really appreciate it. I was down with my aunt today. She is actually in a cubicle in A and E. There is no bed in a ward for her. I rang the hospice and they are full up. The woman is dying in a cubicle in A and E and I cant believe that she has to live out her final days in a busy and load environment. I asked the doctor if there is even a way I could get her into a private hospital or hospice. I dont mind paying the money. They said they would get back to me.