Do people find me boring?

LegacyUser

Just wondering if anyone can give me some advice on an issue tht is really bothering me. I find it extremely difficult to develop close friendships with anyone. I can honestly say that although I have had many friends throughout the years (im 30/female) I have never had what I would call a best friend. I am a good talker, not that shy and will always make the effort to talk to people be it in a new job, college, whatever.People are always initially drawn to me as im approachable and friendly. But it always seems to happen that when people get to know me they then start keeping away from me.

In work for example I find people will chat to me in the staffroom if im the only person in there but the minute someone else appears they start talking to them and im ignored. Its the same in social gatherings, im always left on my own even though I always try make conversation with people. It seems people are never interested in what I have to say and i get the impression I am a boring person. Like if i tell them something I read in the paper or something that happened in my family that week they will just respond with "really?" or "yeah" and are not that bothered.

When I phone "friends" or people I know in work for a chat they will either say they have to go because their just n the way out or watching a film or they will be unresponsive or maybe start yawning on the phone like they are bored.

I also noticed that some friends will never go places ith me if its just me and them, for example I asked a friend last week if they would be interested in going hillwalking, they said "yeah that would be great we'll get one or two more to come with us" even in work if I asked a colleague if they wanted to go out for lunch they would say yes and literally beg someone else to come too and if they didnt get anyone else to come they would come back to me and say "hey why dont we do it thursday instead and john will be able to come then too it be better".

Could I really be that boring and strange?????? This is all effecting my confidence so much that now im starting to think of keeping away from people altogether.

Please dont say join clubs and classes to meet people because I find that al these people have their circle of friends already and are not looking for more. HELP.

LegacyUser

No you are not weird.The others in your office just don't share your interests.Would I be right in thinking they all have similar intersts and lifestyles? If so , then that is your answer.Often people back away from people who they can't find common ground with.Don't worry about it. If you just go about doing the things you like eg the hillwalking then the chances are your path will cross with others who share your interests.

Also from reading your post you said something about the people inviting others along and also about the people in clubs/classes already having a circle of friends .well this is normal.You are down about not having many friends willing to do things with you yet when some suggest doing things in a group ie the 3 of ye going on the walk you take offence. It is normal for this to happen. The more the merrier and all that. You are probably feeling paranoid and shy about it and maybe this is causing you to come across as intense ( maybe , not making a nasty comment here) Maybe try to show an interest in the things they talk about and do. Most of all I'd say you need to try to relax and go with the flow .
Just to reiterate you are not weird

Karen_*

I think you'll find that people who join clubs and classes are trying to meet new people and learn something.

A couple of things to ask yourself: When around someone are you always complaining? Do you bitch constantly? Do you let them get a word in edgeways? Do you express and interest in them? Just running through a few ideas of what it might be.

Is there anyone at all you can ask straight out to be honest with you. If someone asked me this saying that it would help them if they knew then I would tell them.

Also if you were so boring and avoidable people would tend to be busy permenantly at lunch hours and not even go to lunch with you even if there was company so maybe there's something to it and maybe there's not. I think you need to ask someone to help you with this.

LegacyUser

A few possibilities. Are you really overweight? Do you have bad breath? Do you have poor personal hygiene? Easy to check out and all correctable. Other than that I suggest getting a book on conversation skills and find some hobbies to get involved with to make yourself more interesting.

LegacyUser

One more thing struck me. Do you ramble on and on and on and on and on and on about boring stuff and occasionally unknowingly spit at people? I know one person like this and people sometimes complain they can never get away from them. The conversation skills book I mentioned might help there. And as Karen suggested try letting the other person get a word in edgeways and express some interest in them by asking them questions or talking about stuff you know theyre interested in.

LegacyUser

Karen_* wrote: »

A couple of things to ask yourself: When around someone are you always complaining? Do you bitch constantly? Do you let them get a word in edgeways? Do you express and interest in them? Just running through a few ideas of what it might be.

I would second this, we had a guy in work a few years ago that people ended up avoiding, he was a grand lad but was always trying to "fit in" so he complained alot about things he didn't really know about cause he thought thats what people wanted to hear,
he had no kids but literally a minute in to conversations about children he would butt in and take over the conversation,
similarly on projects he wasn't involved at coffee he would take at length about them if they came up.
Would interupt people to talk about something totally different to the topic being discussed, (we did appreciate there was a level of nervousness) I don't intend to be mean put do you see any similarities?

He did end up (I think) talking to the work counselling service but improved alot by a few simple things
- at coffee breaks he would sit back and enjoy the craic and not feel he had to contribute and we really noticed that he then seemed to enjoy the breaks more cause he wasn't so nervous.

- if something came up he did know about he waited for a natural break in the conversation rather than interputing and was careful not to go on to long and actually if he went way off topic he would just say "lads I'm gone way off topic again" and it would generate a laugh

- when new people started rather than make an effort to get to know them (as you said) he waited and let more natural allegiances form and if they didn't that was ok

I would also suggest to you that alot of people are more comfortable and relaxed in a work situation where there is 3 or more going to lunch etc cause its not as intense.

I defo don't think there is anything wrong with you if you are anything like my former colleague he just needed to relax a bit more and stop trying to constantly impress/please people (this bit not necessarily relevant to you) and then people took him for what he was - a good worker and like the rest of us a average bloke with positives and negatives just like everybody in the world

For me - there is a time for talking and a tim for letting others talk and you listen, try relax and don't over compensate,

fasty

I can second the comments above about being nervous and trying to fit in etc. I'm awful at getting to know people as I'm a pretty quiet guy.

In the past, I found myself trying to act like someone I'm not. I tried to be funny and just go on and on about my life without really engaging people or getting to know them and they just weren't interested. It was because I was nervous and thought if I was just myself people would think I'm too quiet or boring and not bother.

I think the trick is to relax and not feel the need to fill every conversation with your voice and to get to know people and go with the conversation instead of talking about stuff you read that you found interesting.

You'll find that what happens is you won't click with everyone, but people won't try to avoid you. Even the nicest person in the world can be a bit of a headache if they just go on and on at you. I've worked with people like that, I've shared a house with people like that and I used to be like that - but I try not to be anymore!

SueWho

I read a quote once that went something like this: "The best way to get people interested in you, is to take an interest in them". Without being invasive, really take an interest in other people and you will notice they are suddenly very willing to keep talking to you- it's just human nature that people like to talk about themselves.

As for worrying that no one wants to be alone with you- don't place so much emphasis on the image of "best friends forever" and sharing intimate details as portrayed in shows like SATC and Grey's Anatomy too. That is not real life.

I hope you weren't hurt or put off by anyone's suggestions that you might have BO, bad breath, food in you teeth etc but it's definitely something to check- it could make all the difference.

Humria

OP, I'm just wondering, is it possible you are seeing the situation in a worse light than it is? I mean when someone has an issue about something, they become more sensitive to anything in relation to it; if you call a woman fat she will probably remember longer than if you said something unrelated to her anxieties.

When your friend wanted to being other people along hill walking it might not be a criticism of you, rather she just it would be more enjoyable in a group. Likewise your colleague might have wanted to bring someone along to lunch because they wanted to see "John" and would have suggested it to anyone also who asked them to lunch. Someone can yawn on the phone because they are tired rather than bored. I'm not saying that they are the correct interpretations of the situations but it's just an example of how they mightn't be as negative as you assume.


Another thing OP is that if you think "I'm going to say something boring" then you probably are. Being "interesting" is more about being confident than saying fascinating things. Likewise being "boring" is more about your own self image and low confidence then what you are saying. If you are putting pressure on yourself to be a dazzling conversationist then it's not going to happen. It's only when you are comfortable that you will be yourself.


What I would suggest OP is that you work on your own self image (easier said than done, I know!). When a situation occurs don't automatically jump to the negative; is there any other explanation? When you feel better about yourself you will be surprised at how dramatically the situation changes.

Lobelia Overhill

I have a similar problem myself, I was bullied at school, and my mother is "strange" and constantly ran me down for being stupid and other things when I was growing up (she still does these things now), so I never learnt/learned [?] proper "social skills" around other people ... I try to make the effort to speak to people and ask after them, and so on, but everyone I know here already has a "life" and no one seems to be too pushed about making room for me.

I don't know what the answer is, I dare say I'll just end up with my face eaten off by my cats

sunnyside

In new groups or workplaces I tend to keep a very low profile for a while. I'll smile and say hello but I tend to chat less than I normally would. If I'm sitting at a table with people I don't know well I'll never ever dominate conversations, I'll listen to what other people are saying and smile a lot. If there's a lull in conversation or an awkward silence I'll say something to start a new conversation. I've always found that staying in the background like that is a great way to make people like you in the long term.

Another thing when you're chatting to people don't ask too many questions.There's a fine line here because people will tell you to ask people about themselves but I think there's nothing worse than having someone interrogate you--"Where are you from? What do you do? Where do you work? Are you married? ..."

LegacyUser

Hey OP !

I'd echo what everyone else said. Be pleasant, and relaxed, try to listen to people when they are talking, not just wait for them to be finished their sentances so you can "get your turn"

Notice peoples moods, if they look pi$$ed off/stressed/busy dont be pushy with them, greet them pleasantly but dont look like you are going to try to "corner" them into a conversation if they dont feel like it.

Also, dont always be the last to end a conversation, if this is happening every time its a sign that others feel you are "clingy" or "needy" "desperate" or "attention hungry"
So be pleasant, join a chat if you are given signals but dont monopolise the conversation or always be bringing every conversation back to yourself.

Eg someone comes in and says "Jezuz my car skidden in the ice this morning..." and you jump in and go "oh my GOD, me to and ......la la la bla bla bla " (followed by a big long detailed story )

Try to be brief! Dont feel you have to include every insignificant detail in a story or anecdote.

Keep to the main points. Dont always feel you have to better every story someone else tells about themselves, try for the next few weeks to just stick to listening and see if there is a difference.

Observe boring people and observe what you find boring about them, then look at yourself honestly and critically and weed out the same traits if you find them.

Then observe popular people and see what people like about them, genuine, funny, good listener, etc Dont try too hard to emulate them at first but become aware of those attractive points.

You mentioned ringing people who you work with and "friends" -if you are not getting a good reaction from them then stop ringing them as they may just be surface friends. If its all one way with people then they aren't really friends and thats ok, just draw back from them.

I am using a lot of guesswork as you said you are a "good talker" -which you may be in your eyes but in others you may be just too much. You may be monopolising the conversation and looking for an audience for your stories rather than real grown up two way interaction!

Anyway, OP we have all been there, good luck with it all!

LegacyUser

Hi again, im the original poster and ye again decided to go unreg for this for obvious reasons. To answer some questions i am not over-weight or dont have body odour or any unsavoury characteristic like that.I do ask people questions about themselves alot as they say people love talking about themselves but sometimes I find people think you are being too nosey or invasive. For example one friend rang me 2 weeks ago and told me a long detailed story about a row she had just had with her brother and his gf and what was said, went into great detail as there was a lot of sh*t going on. I was quite interested in the outcome and when I saw her a wek later I asked her how things were with her brother now and she just said "yeah its ok now" I then asked "are you back on speaking erms?" and she just replied "yes" and changed subject.
Could it be that I am too serious? I have addressed all these issues and tried hard in every situation and yet people avoid me like the plague. I dont tell people alot about myself or my family/personal life so maybe that could be it.
I dont tend to go on and on in conversation, i usually stick to the point, for example I know people who will go into alot of descriptive detail when telling someone where they have been, say we went to a nice restaurant one particular person I know will tell her friends the next day what the waiters were like what they said, what we ate in detailed description, how busy it was , even what the toilets were like, whereas I will say "yes I went to xyz restaurant last night, it was lovely would reccommend you go sometime, I had a dish which was nice" thats it, if they ask me any further questions I will answer them but I dont go on.
Does anyone know people ho are boring and how do you deal with them?

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

Hi again, im the original poster and ye again decided to go unreg for this for obvious reasons. To answer some questions i am not over-weight or dont have body odour or any unsavoury characteristic like that.I do ask people questions about themselves alot as they say people love talking about themselves but sometimes I find people think you are being too nosey or invasive. For example one friend rang me 2 weeks ago and told me a long detailed story about a row she had just had with her brother and his gf and what was said, went into great detail as there was a lot of sh*t going on. I was quite interested in the outcome and when I saw her a wek later I asked her how things were with her brother now and she just said "yeah its ok now" I then asked "are you back on speaking erms?" and she just replied "yes" and changed subject.

actually in this situation you did nothing wrong. The girl wanted to talk out her problems at the time and then dint want to talk anymore about after it got sorted out. However tbh she was a bit short with you



OP i have the same problem as you i suspect its that because i am are nervous and dont know what to say and because of this other people do all the work

Karen_*

OP I'm just clutching at straws here but when you say you ask questions alot - its not like being on the Krypton factor when speaking to you is it? Its just that I've a guy working with me and he has my back up every day quizzing me. He's only trying to be nice and friendly but its seriously like being on a game show speaking to him and its exhausting. I really really like him but I wouldn't be able for going to lunch with him as at that stage i need a rest.

If you don't ask loads and loads of questions and none of the things suggested fit your description then you need to ask friends or family if anything sticks out about your conversational skills or demeanor.

queenbe

hi op.i'm the same myself,,i chat away but when there a lull in conversions i tend to panic,,im great one on one but when there are a few around i tend to back off and just listen,can be so hard and frustrating at times that i'm nervous about these situations,so i am tryin to throw myself into it more often and see will that ease my nervousness

LegacyUser

Do you know what, you sound really nice and sound.

I would have to say I suffer from a little bit the same thing sometimes, I think that maybe sometimes the more effort you make with people the more they take you for granted.

Its horrible being lonely, I know I have been. I also find its nearly like a vicious circle often, the more you need peoples interaction, the harder you try and somehow the more they avoid you....its a cruel situation.

Keep your chin up OP and maybe back off from people, if they are not appreciating you, well feck em. You tried your best and meant well, what more can you do in fairness....

Around the 30's as well dont forget, people will start to avoid single people too, its all a big who's got the best house/baby/wedding/husband competition, people often just want someone to listen to them boasting or ranting, I find geniune friendships bl00dy hard to come by!

All I can say to you is keep your chin up x

Permabear

This post has been deleted.

Pigman III

Yeah, ask you're family if you do anything wrong in conversations, they'll give you the truth if you want it. Just try and ask you father or your siblings. Mams can be too perfect tinted!

RobAMerc

Hi OP, I am gonna come at this from a different tack - I am developing a mild interest in "team dynamics" and lately have a heightened feel for what it is amongst my peers that makes some people seem have an aura of "interestingness" about them and others don't if you get me.

From what I can make out it seems that if you are too open and too nice people will just walk all over you and those that people consider "cool and interesting" tend to make folk work hard for their friendship.

perhaps try to not be so open to people and maybe keep an air of mystique about you - I think you'll find the "interesting" people tend to have to be asked to give up information much more than the people who get left behind.

By the way - I know exactly what you mean - but its not always that way,I find with different groups I find my position in the group changes anywhere from being top dog to down right invisible.

This of course could be complete drivel - its just an opinion.

Wibbs

sMacktardism, banned for a week for unhelpful and silly posting. Please read the charter of this forum. Thank you.

LegacyUser

Some really sound advice here guys thanks so much. I think some of the problem is that i have quite a boring life sometimes, because of the way people are with me I sometimes avoid social situations and so maybe dont have very interesting stories to report when I get into work on monday as I maybe spent the weekend helping my dad with stuff or bringing my younger sister out and then maybe visit my cousin on saturday night. Now thats not every weekend I do have a social life but sometimes its not as great as it really should be, and when I get together with friends I do make the efford.

Sometimes I may come across as unsure of myself or insecure when I dont know how to join in with others in certain situations, difficult to describe but for example one guy I work with and know well loves to have a laugh, full of energy and goes around the place singing all the time, he will sometimes start singing to me and im like standing there not knowing how to react, even sometimes if I need to get information off him and I go up and ask him he will start singing to me and im thinking am I suppose to start signing back, but I wouldnt know the words, or laugh or just say "will you shut up and be serious for a minute I need to know such and such", more often I will just ask again, and he might turn around and say "ah cheer up" which makes me more concious.

I remember in school teachers and classmates would sometimes say to me to cheer up and you dont look happy even though I was very happy, I then started goin around with a grin for a few weeks ( i know thats crazy) so I would come across as happy but one teacher put me out of he class for it and said I was laughing at nothing and was I sneering her. So I went back to my natural way and a boss said to me one day that I go around as if I had the weight of the world on my shoulders even though I was really happy, so maybe its my facial expresion thats wrong I dont know????

I'd be interested to know about boring people you all know who you avoid because they have no personality or people who annoy you or you think are weird/freaks/sad, and what charactersitics make you avoid them and not want to be friends with them, for example:
1. quite people.
2. nosey
3. people who go on about one subject.
4. people who are too nice.
5. people who come across as nervous/ insecure.

Would love to see other posters lists, it could highlight areas I may be going wrong in, Thanks again.

nyarlothothep

ah your not boring or weird, I get that too, eg why don't you smile, my stock response is that I'm not a clown. I'm not sure its the smiling aspect though, I think its more likely to do with the fact that people notice others who don't speak as much or stand out. Its not a problem per se, its more their own issue, for example I wouldn't feel any compulsion to remark on someone not smiling. Personally I avoid stupid people who criticize others simply because they can't handle anyone different to themselves or their own limited view of the world. My advice is don't worry about it, you just work there, its not the be all and end all.