Need some advice

LegacyUser

I've been going out with a girl I work with for the past year or so now. We're both in our early 30s. We knew each other a long time but as we don't work closely together day-to-day we never really knew much about each other. Then about a year ago we finally got chatting properly on a work night out and we ended up falling for each other.

It's been a great relationship from the start; she's much more easy-going than my any of my exes and there's none of the needy, emotional immature tantrums (and sometimes violence) that I put up with in previous relationships. I wasn't a perfect guy in previous relationships either, by any means; I tend to react to anything that happens to me, so whilst I would never lift a hand against a female, I did cheat on some of my exes when I found out they'd been unfaithful to me. In my younger and more naive way of thinking, I was 'getting even'................. though I know now that I wasn't really doing anyone any good - I'd have been smarter just walking away each time it happened. But I'm older and wiser now and over the last few years, for various reasons, I've made a conscious decision to try and do the right thing in every situation - and that includes relationships. I'm not someone who takes the moral highground; just someone who's made a few mistakes in his life and tries to be a decent person now.

Anyway, getting back to the topic in hand - going out with my current gf has been so easy and effortless, it's been a breath of fresh air for me. We make each other laugh, spend a lot of time together, rarely argue (in fact, we've only ever bickered briefly - never had a full-on row yet), and tell each other we love each other often. We're also affectionate with each other, though I'm probably more affectionate than she is - she readily admits she was never the touchy-feely type but since we've been going out she's definitely got a lot better in that area. I'm hugely attracted to her and we make love often enough. I can honestly say I could see myself spending the rest of my life with her, and I've never thought that about anyone else. She's just a wonderful girl in every department.

So what's the problem?

My imagination .................... I guess.

I think too much about her exes and the guys that came before me, even though I know very little about them - I don't think she's even had many previous boyfriends. I feel threatened if she goes out with her girlfriends and some guy tries to buy her a drink, even though she'll always ignore him and will tell me about it afterwards. I worry that she'll meet someone better and I'll be dropped, even though she tells me often I make her totally happy and she doesn't want anyone else. Etc etc. This plays on mind ....... a lot.

Don't get me wrong; I never, ever act on my jealousy or whatever you want to call it. I've never said anything to her and have never tried to tell her what to do; she's an independent girl and thats how I like her. She doesn't even know I feel like this at times and I'm embarassed to admit it. But it's all going on in my head and it drives me crazy; sometimes I dwell on it so much I feel like ending the whole thing just so I won't keep torturing myself thinking these stupid thoughts. It's ridiculous and I feel like a child; I've got a wonderful relationship but am ruining it for myself by letting my insecurities and worries run riot in my head.

Here's a good example; a few nights ago she had to meet a client after work to discuss some business over dinner. This was a strictly professional dinner and she was home by 9:30pm, but whilst she was at it, my imagination was conjuring up everything you can think of; he was trying to get off with her, he was plying her with drink, he was only after one thing, etc. The guy is married with kids for crying out loud, and they've had numerous meetings over the years to discuss business. It's things like this that are driving me insane, and I'm worried I'm eventually going to blurt out something stupid and ruin our relationship. She doesn't deserve this line of thinking from me, as anyone who knows her will vouch that she's a very loyal person.

Sorry for the long post.

steve927

Hi, i genuinely feel sympathetic but the best advice i can give you is this:

No matter what you do, no matter what you say, if she is going to cheat then she will, you cant stop her. Make sure that you are the best option by being the best partner that you can be and that you fulfill all her needs so she doesnt have a reason to stray.
You're beating yourself up over something that you have no control over. jealousy is a natural emotion to a greater or lesser degree when you are in love but you should relax and enjoy the relationship. I'm sure she has insecurities too when you're out with your buddies but she obviously deals with it in her own way.
I hope you can come to terms with this coz it will eat you up if you dont and may ruin the relationship for no fault on her part.

Hope this helps:)

MrMiyagi

Hello

My advice cut your losses! She dosent sound very thrustwordy and in my experience if you need reassurance its time to move on.

There are plenty of good women out there so dont waste time on a relationship that isnt working for you.

Good luck

Blinder

MrMiyagi wrote: »

Hello

My advice cut your losses! She dosent sound very thrustwordy and in my experience if you need reassurance its time to move on.

There are plenty of good women out there so dont waste time on a relationship that isnt working for you.

Did you read the same post as I did??


OP, unless I missed somethig in the original post, nothing that your GF has done has given you any reason to doubt her. So, no matter who you are in a relationship with, your insecurity will be a problem. And you are the only person that can change that.

We find it hard to accept that people value us, when we don't value ourselves. You need to realise that you are worth this relationship. That you deserve to be happy.

Ok, so previous relationships didn't go well and your ex's or you didn't act in the greatest way, but forgive yourself and move on. What's happened has happened. Learn to like yourself, and then the rest with naturally fall into place.

karen3212

Given your past experience, it is understandable that you are insecure in your relationship.

I'm not a fan of bottling it up and pretending, to be honest I think it's better to share with you partner and help reassure each other. Are you really going to keep your real feelings hidden from her for ever.

It's just my opinion, but I think it is only human to be insecure now and then, but you should definately work on loving yourself, but I don't see why you can't ask your girlfriend to help you.

LegacyUser

Mr Miyagi - at what point did I ever imply she was untrustworthy? She's never done anything to make me doubt her and deep down I know do trust her implicitly.

To the rest of you, thanks for your advice. I know it's an insecurity on my part. I don't want to bring it up with her as I don't want her being conscious of how I feel and this having any effect on her going out or spending time with her friends - just want her to be happy and she seems to be at the moment.

MrMiyagi

I think you're lying to yourself.

I have been in that type of situation before. I doubted my girlfriend. So even though I liked her alot I asked myself if I could see a future?

The answer was no and when I told her she said she felt the same so it worked out well for both of us.

Thank you

cantdecide

MrMiyagi wrote: »

I think you're lying to yourself.

I have been in that type of situation before. I doubted my girlfriend. So even though I liked her alot I asked myself if I could see a future?

The answer was no and when I told her she said she felt the same so it worked out well for both of us.

Thank you

You're not from this planet, are you?

OP, you should tell her that you've had more than your fair share of been cheated on and it's made you insecure. Why shouldn't she know this if that's how you feel but you know it's irrational. She will probably be very understanding. Dropping you a text in situations like the business dinner you described would probably put you at ease.

MrMiyagi

cantdecide wrote: »

You're not from this planet, are you?

OP, you should tell her that you've had more than your fair share of been cheated on and it's made you insecure. Why shouldn't she know this if that's how you feel but you know it's irrational. She will probably be very understanding. Dropping you a text in situations like the business dinner you described would probably put you at ease.

I am from this planet.

Maybe my situation is different because I wasnt sure how serious she was and the fact that I wasnt entirely optimistic about our future.

I just think that if being with someone dosent come naturally you're better off finding someone that you are more compatible with.

LegacyUser

MrMiyagi wrote: »

I am from this planet.

Maybe my situation is different because I wasnt sure how serious she was and the fact that I wasnt entirely optimistic about our future.

I just think that if being with someone dosent come naturally you're better off finding someone that you are more compatible with.

But that's not what I said. Again, I went to great lengths above to stress just how well we get on together on every level - as friends, as partners and as lovers. This is entirely a problem in my own head and she's done nothing to cause it, I just want to know how to deal with it.

St Bill

Op, you might be feeling like this because you see this girl as the one you want to spend the rest of your life with. Maybe you're overly-sensitive to losing her?
If you lose her, you lose her whether it's to another guy, or worse still something awful happens. But from the way you speak about her, it sounds like there's no way in hell she's leaving you if she's got anything to do with it. Accept that what you have is what you've been searching for all along, enjoy it, it's not something that comes along everyday of the week.

Lollipops23

MrMiyagi wrote: »

Hello

My advice cut your losses! She dosent sound very thrustwordy and in my experience if you need reassurance its time to move on.

There are plenty of good women out there so dont waste time on a relationship that isnt working for you.

Good luck

eh???how does she not sound trustworthy exactly?i'd love to know!!
OP you need to be veeeery careful here, there's nothing more unattractive then a jealous OH(male or female!)is it perhaps because you were cheated on in the past that you're overly paranoid?it sounds like a wonderful relationship so don't bugger it up by freaking yourself out imagining "what ifs" constantly.

Sinall

Hi OP

I understand how you can be tormented by your own thoughts and how this can create problems in your relationship. It sounds to me like you two have a great relationship, but your past experiences have led you to panic in certain situations.

Could this be a self-esteem problem on your part? It sounds like you don't trust that all the good things that your girlfriend sees in you actually exist!

The fact that you are aware of this problem and that you are posting here is great - you know its not anything to do with your girlfriend as such, it's your own thoughts driving you crazy!

Is there anything you can do to make yourself feel more secure?