Marriage and bed...

Luchea

Ok. I got married 2 years ago to my boyfriend (then of 3 years). We were both of the same idea that we would like to have sex with the person we marry and no other. Now we weren't totally innocent either I might add!! Anyways, now we've been married 2 years and we have sex on average about twice a week... We both do things that the other likes.. e.g a strip, positions etc. My husband is constantly asking for sex... I end up saying more often because I feel under pressure. He could wake up in the morning and ask 3 times... lunch time ask again and then a few more before bed time. It's like I'm always turning him down but we do have sex on average twice a week. And sometimes more depending if we're on holidays etc. Am I being unfair by turning him down all the time or is it just that fact that he thinks about it lots during the day... and I don't (everyone is different right?) He is getting a bit upset now because of all the turn downs and asks do I not fancy him or like sex. I do fancy him, think the world of him and like sex... but sometimes I just don't want to and I don't think it's a major backbone of a marriage... it has it's place and rewards etc but help? Anyone in a similar situation?

Apologies for the long post!

kayos

Intimacy is a big part of any relationship and when its not there the relationship has trouble on the way. Now in saying that from your post your marriage is not devoid of intimacy but rather your husband would like more and your happy with what you have.

Let’s just reverse the situation and say that every time you looked for your partner to kiss you he refused bar once or twice a week. How would you feel in that situation? Odds are it would be a feeling of rejection, a chipping away at self confidence and the eventual thought that he no longer loves you or he is having an affair. The constant knock backs and the times you just give in, he will or at least should cop this, all can cause a man to feel the same thing.

So while your OH wants lots more than he is getting maybe there could be a half way point? Talk to him and tell him how you feel. Everyone has different sex drives and many couples would not be an exact match for each other but they work at it and have a happy relationship.

Some people would be happy to get it twice a week in a relationship and see it as an improvement! Look at this forum and see the posts about no sex in years never mind days.

Long and short of it is you need to talk to your partner about this.

Sizzler

OP - Might be better asking for this moved to PI (Personal issues) you will get more relevant feedback.

iguana

Moved to PI

sardineta

Any asymmetry in the sexual needs of a couple will store up lots of trouble. Counselling would definitely be in order sooner rather than later, as sexual frustration is a very powerful driver.

LegacyUser

Do you mean that neither of you has ever had sex before ? i.e. He has waited all his life to have sex with the one he marries and now you don't feel its that important. It's fine for you if you have a low sex drive but he's just realised what he has missed out on so his reaction is understandable.
I think you are a bit flippant dismissing this issue as 'not a backbone' of a marriage. It most certainly is and you better start addressing it quickly because he will be enormously frustrated now and that will get worse. He may become bitter about waiting for marriage to have sex and that bitterness will be turned on you or used to justify going elsewhere ....

ps it shouldn't be treated as 'rewards' either , better that you treat it as a chore - something that has to be done to keep the household in good working order !

cojomo2

2 times a week doesnt sound like much..then again im 27, i dont know what age u are but maybe the desire for sex lessons as you age? I know when i was in my early 20's and in a long ter relationship, it was more like twice a day for me...

anyway maybe u just have to see what turns u on more? Its no good to be giving him sex when u dont feel in the mood, just to keep him happy, ur not his sex slave...

so say he wants sex and u dont, maybe make him work for it a bit and at the same time get u in the mood? Like buy sum nice oils and ask him to give u a nice full body massage and see where that leads? Or try soething else that turns u on and gets u in the mood? try new things, maybe a visit to the adult shop would help? sounds like u need to revive the sex life a bit so u actually want it more yourself..

going down the road of u just bending over saying '' fine ok , go for it'' would be a disaster..sex has to be a 2 way thing to work in the long run

Dublin_Gunner

I'm in a similar situation with my GF. I would like to have more, she seems content, and we do about twice or 3 times a week.

I do get down about it, and end up thinking of other women!! But haven't strayed.

You need to talk and sort it out, find out what will suit you both. Dont make it seem like a chore to have sex, try doing something a bit more random to get the juices flowing (you might even like it )

If it increases to 3 or 4 times a week, and you're both happy with that, excellent. But talk. Talking about it is the main thing.

petethebrick

I don't think too many people would be satisfied with sex twice a week - was it more frequent for you both before you got married?
What's the problem for you - are you not enjoying sex with him?
You better sort it out before it leads to resentment on both your parts. Explain to him in detail what you've posted here. I can understand that it wouldn't exactly put you in the mood for it him just coming looking for it when he needs it. Maybe he needs to try a different approach as well i.e setting the mood more

Faith

Honestly, I couldn't imagine having sex as little as twice a week, especially when you're living with your partner! Do you ever try to initiate sex and get turned down? It would be an awful blow if you were regularly getting rejected, in any way. Honestly, I think that yeah, you should make an effort to meet him in the middle more. I'm not talking about 3 times a night or anything, but there's 168 hours in a week - surely you can find a couple of more hours here and there that you're in the mood?

By the by, on the (very rare, admittedly) occasions that I'm not in the mood for sex, I usually find that I quickly get in the mood after a bit of foreplay.

kizzyr

Sex is an important part of any marriage or relationship. However, there can be things that make someone want to do it less often than others e.g. stress and worry over work, studies, finances etc. OP are you particularly concerned about something like this? Also if the OP's husband is all about the sex but not intimacy then it could serve as a turn off for her and make her feel like he really only wants her to have sex and get his rocks off but not to have sex with her per se.
Age can also be a factor too, the younger you are and the less distractions are in your life it is usual to have sex more freely and frequently. When kids come along generally people care about getting to sleep for more than an hour at a time than having sex as often as possible.
OP it may well be that having sex twice per week is enough to satisfy you and your needs but not your partners. It is something you both need to talk about openly and frankly, perhaps with the help of a counselor. I think one of the worst things you could do is feel obliged to have sex with him as it will really put you off and have a negative effect on your relationship in the long run.

Luchea

Thanks for all your input. I have talked to him about it and I understand that being rejected constantly is awful and that's why I wanted some advice. I do have a lot of other commitments outside of the house with work and alot of pressure within the house (i.e like 2 full time jobs). It tires me out. We are very together and would be considered the sickeningly lovey couple of everyone who knows us but I was content with the amount of times we had sex. I have taken the advice on board and I will be making more of an effort and that's what I think I didn't realise... I wasn't giving the sexual relationship enough effort and I'll try from now on.

And we are both young early 20's. And we never had sex with anyone else before each other.

And another question...would having sex all the time not make the desire run out eventually???

Wagon

Luchea wrote: »

And another question...would having sex all the time not make the desire run out eventually???

Nope

BraziliaNZ

I think you're lucky, my ex used to give out to me for not having enough sex, for some reason I just didn't want it that often. At least you know he's still into you sexually and not wanting anyone else.

Abi

Luchea wrote: »

would having sex all the time not make the desire run out eventually???

Thats a big fear for a lot of people. There is a natural slow down. Life can be a mundane web of mundane duties, why should we allow our sex life get that way? Anticipation is lost when you become too familiar. Make it different, make it change. It will become something to look forward to again.

LegacyUser

It's fine to have sex 2wice a week. Actually, people are having too much of it anyway, probably because it is advertised so much. There can be people with sex addiction, so refusing him is fine, and even to have sex once a week is perfectly fine as well. One partner may expect more, but once a week is very reasonable. There is so much more to life and to a relationship than sex.

LegacyUser

IMO, the first few years of marriage should be taken full advantage of with regards to having lots of sex, experimenting with each other, getting to know each other as intimately as possible in that way. Things do have a natural inclination to calm down a bit as time goes on, not in a bad way, but things get more comfortable and familiar, and it's harder to spice things up then if it wasn't spicey in the early days...

Also, it's a good idea to make time for it now, before kids come along (if you're planning any), because then it really will be a juggling act and finding time for intimacy will be more difficult.

The Corinthian

Unregistered wrote: »

It's fine to have sex 2wice a week. Actually, people are having too much of it anyway, probably because it is advertised so much. There can be people with sex addiction, so refusing him is fine, and even to have sex once a week is perfectly fine as well. One partner may expect more, but once a week is very reasonable.

Rubbish. Couples should have sex as often as their sex drives and interest demands. Sex addition is a serious condition that typically involves highly risky behaviour and the need to have sex multiple times a day with multiple partners. Having sex with your partner more than once or twice a week is not even in the same solar system.

Some couples have sex once a month, some every day and some more than once a day. And how often they have sex will vary too depending upon circumstances such as stress, children and the like. All of these are perfectly normal. What is important is that the interest in sex is compatible between them and if not that an acceptable compromise is found.

Suggesting that once a week is very reasonable and that more might be akin to sex addiction is more indicative of the sexual problems of the person claiming this than anyone who may want sex more often than twice a week.

There is so much more to life and to a relationship than sex.

I've heard it said that eating is, along with sex, one of the great pleasures in life. There's a lot more to life than eating too, but try being put on an enforced diet, you never asked for, and tell me how that feels.

sunnyside

Luchea wrote: »

And another question...would having sex all the time not make the desire run out eventually???

I thought the opposite was true, that the more often you have sex the more often you want it.

Sex has caused relationship problems for me too. I love sex after a night out or a night in with boyfriend but I live alone. When a previous boyfriend came to stay with me for a week when he was working in my area he wanted sex all the time and I couldn't deal with it at all. It made me cranky and resentful very quickly and to be honest I was so glad when he was leaving and I could go back to being on my own and not have somebody hasseling me about sex all the time. He couldn't understand it at all because I had never been anything but enthusiastic before that. It's made me fearful of living with somebody in the future. Like the OP I really hadn't realised that sex was all that important.

sardineta

The Corinthian wrote: »

Sex addition is a serious condition

I thought it was all about multiplication...

Das Kitty

Can I just say that there isn't any such thing as having too little or too much sex provided both parties are happy with it and it's not causing any problems. I also think it's rubbish saying that just because you're young/only together a short while you should be doing it all the time.

Everyone is different. There is nothing wrong with you if you don't want a lot of sex!

The only problem is amount of sex is when it's unbalanced and one person wants more than the other, this happens in pretty much every relationship at one time or another

00112984

OP, I think you're being incredibly selfish. Sex is obviously very important to him and you're casting his feelings aside.

Look at it this way:
He wants sex frequently.
You want it twice a week.
So, you (plural) have it twice a week.

Why should it be on your terms all the time? It's only fair that he should respect your feelings and settle for having sex less often than he wants but you should try and meet him somewhere in the middle. He shouldn't be the one who's unhappy all the time.

If the sex is good, I can't see what your issue is.

LegacyUser

I think it's a bit harsh saying the OP is selfish. As said before there isn't really a norm in terms of how often a couple should have sex... it's imbalance that can cause problems.

However, being constantly badgered for sex is more likely to have the opposite effect. There's nothing less romantic and it's likely to make the OP feel like an object who is just there for her husbands pleasure and that's not likely to get her in the mood.

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

Actually, people are having too much of it anyway, probably because it is advertised so much.

Sorry, but that is RIDICULOUS!

How can people have "too much" sex?....its not like food, drink or drugs, you cannot have too much! People can have as much as they want so long as both are willing.

Advertised too much? Er....where? What are you talking about? What is the purpose of this advertising .....to make people "fornicate" I suppose!?

If people are having a lot of sex it is because they are horny, and good luck to me.....I mean them.

There is so much more to life and to a relationship than sex.

Speak for yourself, not for me, I love sex and I like having it every day I can. If its not important to you thats fine but dont try to make OP believe its not important to anyone, cos thats just not true!

anniehoo

00112984 wrote: »

Why should it be on your terms all the time?

Are you for real? Its her body - of course it has to be on her terms. What if it was the other way around and the OP was demanding her OH got an erection on demand...eh dont think so!! Whats she to do, go through the motions an extra few times a week just so he doesnt get the hump? If she feels shes up for adding an extra few sessions into the week then its her perogative nobody elses! She shouldnt feel pressurised into giving more than shes happy with, end of story and also not pressuring herself trying to have the so called "normal" amount of sex she thinks she should be having.

LegacyUser

anniehoo wrote: »

Are you for real? Its her body - of course it has to be on her terms.

Errr, excuse me there are TWO bodies involved not just one ! It takes two to tango!!!

What if it was the other way around and the OP was demanding her OH got an erection on demand...eh dont think so!!

Newsflash, most men can get one on demand! Newsflash no 2. Most men would LOVE that!

Whats she to do, go through the motions an extra few times a week just so he doesnt get the hump?

Yes, that exactly what she should do, there has to be compromise. She could do it a few times when she doesn't feel like it, at the moment he is accepting all her rejections so she is dictating the pace for both of them, thats not democracy and its not fair. He is denying himself far more than she is giving in. I give my boyfriend sex often when I am not in the humor because I love him and I want to. Simple, its nice to be nice. All this "its my body and I DECIDE" dictatorship is old hat. Equality and give and take is what its about.

If she feels shes up for adding an extra few sessions into the week then its her perogative nobody elses!

Sigh, see above.

She shouldnt feel pressurised into giving more than shes happy with, end of story and also not pressuring herself trying to have the so called "normal" amount of sex she thinks she should be having.

Its nothing to do with pressure, if OP realises what it is like for him to be refused all the time and realises how much sacrifice he makes for her every day she may be delighted to have a few more sessions a week.

If we are to take your line of reasoning, then HE should have NO SAY whatsoever in the frequency of the sex and is reduced to begging the woman who holds all the power?

No, I dont think so, the days of feminist bullying like this are over, it gives the rest of us reasonable women a bad name.

The Corinthian

anniehoo wrote: »

Are you for real? Its her body - of course it has to be on her terms.

It's not her body in terms of sex any more. If it was monogamy would not be an issue in relationships - remember we sacrifice our right to have sex with others in a monogamous relationship. Sex in relationships, unless you are in a situation where you are perfectly aligned, means that there will be some give and take.

That means sacrifices, even though it's 'your body' - be they that you have sex more or less often than you might like, might 'do' things you might not like or not 'do' things that you would like and, of course, can only have sex with the one person.

anniehoo

Unregistered wrote: »

the days of feminist bullying like this are over, it gives the rest of us reasonable women a bad name.

Feminist bullying!! I actually laughed out loud at that comment! Sorry, but gone are the days of the passive aggressive woman laying there while their husbands get their jollys so as not to hurt their little egos. Would you think its "feminist bullying" if she said no to his requests if he wants it twice a day or should she be a good little submissive partner, keep him happy and do it anyway? Her enjoyment and pleasure from sex is equally important as his and if her satiety is reached from twice a week then she shouldnt feel forced into doing anything more.

And Corinthian...theres not a chance i might do things i dont like with regards to sex. Im actually gobsmacked that you'd even entertain the idea of engaging in stuff that you physically dont like.

dudara

Posters, stick to the topic at hand. If you want to engage in a discussion, take it to PM.

dudara

shellyboo

EDIT: Sorry dudara, we cross-posted. Deleted.

The Corinthian

anniehoo wrote: »

Her enjoyment and pleasure from sex is equally important as his and if her satiety is reached from twice a week then she shouldnt feel forced into doing anything more.

There's no equality in anything you're saying though. He must conform to her sexual desires and limits. End of.

And Corinthian...theres not a chance i might do things i dont like with regards to sex. Im actually gobsmacked that you'd even entertain the idea of engaging in stuff that you physically dont like.

Somehow I'm not surprised you are gobsmacked.

Edit: Come to think of it, men have to do that all the time: It's called foreplay.

Nevyn

If a person is to agree to restrict thier sexual activies to one person it makes sense
that a good working comprimise be reached about the frequency and range of activies
with scope for exploration as the length of time in the relationship progresses.

We all so things in a relationship we don't like, really ladies which is worse having to
clean skid marks of the toilet or give a blow job ?

Everyone has expectations when in a long term relationship best to talk about
them before hand and explore if you are compatible rather then marrying in haste
and repenting in leisure.

LegacyUser

anniehoo wrote: »

Feminist bullying!! I actually laughed out loud at that comment! Sorry, but gone are the days of the passive aggressive woman laying there while their husbands get their jollys so as not to hurt their little egos.

Well, stop laughing, your views are really archaic. It not about the woman "getting her revenge" on modern man because of all the her poor unfortunate predecessors lying back and think of Ireland by denying modern man.

The way you talk about men is unhealthy, their "little egos" -very dismissive and cliched womens "coffee morning talk" showing off style.

Men and women both have the right to be satisfied, it cant be one being refused all the time no more than it can be one doing the denying all the time, that spells disaster and to say to OP "oh as long as twice a week is ok for you, dont mind him" is bad advice.

Would you think its "feminist bullying" if she said no to his requests if he wants it twice a day or should she be a good little submissive partner, keep him happy and do it anyway?

My God, calm down its not "all or nothing" -she could decide to partake every second day, and I mean partake, not just lie there internally scorning the poor fella. Sometimes when I have sex with my man when I start of not in the humour, they turn out to be the best times. The man is not some farmyard animal to be spoken about with derision and contempt, he is a person with feelings.

And Corinthian...theres not a chance i might do things i dont like with regards to sex. Im actually gobsmacked that you'd even entertain the idea of engaging in stuff that you physically dont like.

Well, that is sad for your partner, relationships are built on doing little things we might not like for the other one, your zero tolerance "my way or the highway" attitude is not something I think would help OP's situation at all.

OP, really try suprising him sometimes by initiating or reciprocating when he least expects it, the ensuing fireworks will be enjoyable to both of you!

And the more you do it the more you will want it!

b3t4

Op,

So you like sex with your partner and you are happy with the sex that you have.

It's not how much sex that is going on that needs addressing it's the stuff that's causing you to not to be in the mood that needs addressing. Ye had more sex in the past right?

Can you partner help out with this? Might him helping out a bit more at home help? I think I read how you feel you have two jobs rather than one.

I don't think you should lie back and think of Eire. I think you would come to resent him if you did this. I think you both, together, can find ways to increase your desire to have sex. I, also, think this is a slow process that both of you should work on. I think ye need to reconnect as a sexual couple.

A.

LegacyUser

Can someone explain about this "need" for sex? What I don't understand is that loads of single men or men who don't live with partners never or rarely have sex and manage to live just fine without it, then they get married or move in with a partner and suddenly they "need" sex all the time.

LegacyUser

Anniehoo, it doesn't have to be a case of him "against" her. I would advise against making it into that kind of war situation. He was only asking her and not "demanding" from her!

OP dont start seeing it as some sort of crime by him just asking, its not that at all. But do take him aside and communicate that you are open to re-negotiating how much action ye both have if he will calm down on the asking!

OP is satisfied with twice a week, but hubby wants is several times a day by the looks of it!
Well thats a lot as anyone will admit, but how about meeting in the middle with 3 or 4 times a week!

That way hubby will calm down on asking so much and OP you will find you enjoy the extra few bits of action!!!

Nevyn

Unregistered wrote: »

Can someone explain about this "need" for sex? What I don't understand is that loads of single men or men who don't live with partners never or rarely have sex and manage to live just fine without it, then they get married or move in with a partner and suddenly they "need" sex all the time.

What makes you think only men are that way ?

If you are in a relationship with someone who is a person you have desire and affection for you are going to want to be with them. Even more so if you a living with that person and they are such a wonderful
stimulation. If you are around a person who you are so attracted to and is such a wonderful turn on for you then why would a person not want to have sex with them ?

Who wants to be in a relationship where sex is schedules and time tabled ?
Who wants to be in a relationship where you look at your partner with that
look of "I want you" to have them roll their eyes and say " it's not Wednesday yet and we only had sex two days ago".

Who wants to be in a relationship where you are sharing the same bed,
on close contact with your partner, the warmth of them, the smell of them
and all the many many way the impact on your sense and be told
"no it's not Wednesday or I just don't want to, you don't turn me on" when they are by
being in the same bed with you turning you on ?


If you are single or don't get to see your fb/bf/gf/partner that often most
people learn to cope but the sharing a bed like that above is a very special
type of torture and a very good reason why a lot of marriages and long term
relationships fail imho.

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

Can someone explain about this "need" for sex? What I don't understand is that loads of single men or men who don't live with partners never or rarely have sex and manage to live just fine without it, then they get married or move in with a partner and suddenly they "need" sex all the time.

Yes the "manage" but its not what most people would choose if they had a choice!
Having had both lifestyles I would prefer a happy love life, I think most people would.

They dont suddenly develop "the need" when they move in, its there all along but that when we are not in relationships we have to manage without it.

Some people dont have the need at all I understand, but many do. The problems seem to arise when people fail to communicate about it.

Its not right to look down on people with a high sex drive any more than it is to look down on those with a low one. Everyone is unique, its when people come into partnerships that a decent middle ground has to be negotiated.

Alarums

Unregistered wrote: »

Can someone explain about this "need" for sex? What I don't understand is that loads of single men or men who don't live with partners never or rarely have sex and manage to live just fine without it, then they get married or move in with a partner and suddenly they "need" sex all the time.

The single men might not get sex very often, but they are not "just fine" without it either. They think about it a lot. After prolonged periods without it, men can start getting quite desperate, which women can usually sense a mile off. Like The Corinthian says below, why do you think single me spend so much time and money trying to get laid? Why is the sex industry nearly completely geared towards men?

In my experience, there is usually no fix when a couple has a completely mismatched libido except to break up and find other partners closer to their level. If the low libido partner keeps having unwanted sex, they will start to feel used and resentful. If the high libido partner keeps getting refused, then they will feel unloved and unwanted, and the relationship will start to feel more like having a roommate with whom you are constantly pissed off. Either scenario is poisonous to a relationship. In the OPs case though, the difference in libidos does not seem too extreme. A compromise could be reached where they have sex 3 or 4 times a week. The OPs husband may even be delighted that she is taking his feelings into consideration by trying to reach a compromise which they can both be happy with. In my experience, one of the worst things about a relationship with a mismatched libido is that the person with the low libido thinks that the person with the high libido is complaining about something trivial and he or she should be able to just get over it. The reality is that the high libido partner does consider sex to be an essential part of the relationship.

The Corinthian

Unregistered wrote: »

Can someone explain about this "need" for sex? What I don't understand is that loads of single men or men who don't live with partners never or rarely have sex and manage to live just fine without it, then they get married or move in with a partner and suddenly they "need" sex all the time.

Why do you think single men spend so much time and money trying to get into a woman's underwear? Because we're 'just fine' without sex?

Or in a relationship, had you considered that sleeping next to someone we're attracted to is going to affect our desire to have sex?

What age are the posters here, seriously?

kevmy

Unregistered wrote: »

Can someone explain about this "need" for sex? What I don't understand is that loads of single men or men who don't live with partners never or rarely have sex and manage to live just fine without it, then they get married or move in with a partner and suddenly they "need" sex all the time.

Masturbation

sunnyside

Alarums wrote: »

The single men might not get sex very often, but they are not "just fine" without it either. They think about it a lot. After prolonged periods without it, men can start getting quite desperate, which women can usually sense a mile off. Like The Corinthian says below, why do you think single me spend so much time and money trying to get laid? Why is the sex industry nearly completely geared towards men?

.

So how do people explain all the threads in PI from men saying "I'm 30 and still a virgin"? Does that have anything to do with needs and desires or is it just about opportunities or lack of them to have sex? How can people have this massive need for something they never had?

I would have been of the same opinion as the OP that sex wasn't the most important thing in a relationship but the replies here are making me think differently. Nobody ever admits to breaking up over sex issues but it must be common.

Nevyn

It's a bit like pandora's box.
Once you make a start and become sexually active it's very hard to go back.

Wibbs

sunnyside wrote: »

So how do people explain all the threads in PI from men saying "I'm 30 and still a virgin"? Does that have anything to do with needs and desires or is it just about opportunities or lack of them to have sex? How can people have this massive need for something they never had?

Simple really. It's one of the most prime forces in our nature, in most people. Men and women. People vary in their needs but it's there. Men and women have a damn good idea how pleasurable sexuality is. They learn early through masturbation and fantasy that sex is a very good feeling. Add in sharing that with another person in an intimate way. Best natural high there is and trust me, in my misspent youth I've indulged in more highs than most and it's right up there at the top. Plus unlike the others it's damn good for body and soul.

I would have been of the same opinion as the OP that sex wasn't the most important thing in a relationship but the replies here are making me think differently.

It is one of the cornerstones of a romantic relationship. The main difference between a romantic relationship and a friendship is sex pretty much. Romantic = intimacy = sex within that. Goes double for a long termer. I look on it as an indicator of the health of the relationship as a whole. If it's outa whack you can be damn sure the relationship is in 90% of cases. It's not about quantity(though I'm remeinded of woody allen here). It's about quality and balance between you and your partner. If you're both happy with once a month then good luck to you and yours. If one is and the other isn't well then look out.

Nobody ever admits to breaking up over sex issues but it must be common.

Well I can't speak for others, but yep I've broken up with women over lack of sex. More to the point, being put under a compliment, or worse them using sex as a stick to beat me or reward me. That doesn't fly with me and I left. It disrespects me and the relationship. To think otherwise is unbelievably selfish IMHO. It was all about them and their needs. The single biggest turn off for me there is, inside or outside the bedroom. There have been times where I wasn't that pushed about having sex with a partner. Going through a rough time or whatever. I would have rather cracked one off the wrist tbh, but I didn't. I made love to them, to try and keep that bond alive. None spotted it either and guess what it worked and I got into it again.

We all make compromises. Often if I had the day from hell, I really didn't give a flying one about her horrible day in the office, or that she feels bloated, or her mates don't understand her etc. I listened because I loved them. It made her feel better. It wasn't all about me. Hell even in sex itself. As a bloke after I've finished, all I want to do is lay in the warm afterglow(you know what I mean here lads). My sexual interest would be at it's lowest, but if they haven't finished I'll do what needs to be done, even if I'm not interested. It's called being unselfish.

My 2 cents.

Alarums

sunnyside wrote: »

So how do people explain all the threads in PI from men saying "I'm 30 and still a virgin"? Does that have anything to do with needs and desires or is it just about opportunities or lack of them to have sex? How can people have this massive need for something they never had?

I would have been of the same opinion as the OP that sex wasn't the most important thing in a relationship but the replies here are making me think differently. Nobody ever admits to breaking up over sex issues but it must be common.

I left a long term relationship over lack of sex. She constantly rejected me and over time it made me feel very resentful, cheated, frustrated and angry. When I consider what my life would have been like now if I had stayed with her, I count my lucky stars.

I think the vast majority of the men who write in about being virgins relatively late in life are not in that situation through choice. I believe it's because of lack of opportunities. Why else would they be writing in asking for help in getting laid?

sunnyside

Alarums wrote: »

I left a long term relationship over lack of sex. She constantly rejected me and over time it made me feel very resentful, cheated, frustrated and angry. When I consider what my life would have been like now if I had stayed with her, I count my lucky stars.

I think the vast majority of the men who write in about being virgins relatively late in life are not in that situation through choice. I believe it's because of lack of opportunities. Why else would they be writing in asking for help in getting laid?

Did you tell people the real reason you broke up? I've never heard anyone give it as a reason for breaking up but I'm convinced it must happen a lot. (I mean people in real life, not on boards because we're all brutally honest here). I can't imagine telling people that he dumped me because I wasn't interested in sex. I'd have to say that it just wans't working out any more:(

I'm still not convinced about the need part. I mean if it was that much of a need how could anyone survive 30 years without it? There are probably some people who will never in their lifetime have sex. It's not like food, you can survive without it.

This has definitely been one of the more informative lack of sex threads.

Gholimoli

sunnyside wrote: »

Did you tell people the real reason you broke up? I've never heard anyone give it as a reason for breaking up but I'm convinced it must happen a lot. (I mean people in real life, not on boards because we're all brutally honest here). I can't imagine telling people that he dumped me because I wasn't interested in sex. I'd have to say that it just wans't working out any more:(

I'm still not convinced about the need part. I mean if it was that much of a need how could anyone survive 30 years without it? There are probably some people who will never in their lifetime have sex. It's not like food, you can survive without it.
This has definitely been one of the more informative lack of sex threads.

You can also survive with out a leg or a kidney or a limb but it will not be a normal life would it?

The fact is that if you feel the need and the need is not being satisfied then there is a problem.
Now people have different ways of dealing with the problem with results in them taking different actions based on the specific situation they are in but all the same they all acknowledge the problem.

The Corinthian

sunnyside wrote: »

Did you tell people the real reason you broke up? I've never heard anyone give it as a reason for breaking up but I'm convinced it must happen a lot. (I mean people in real life, not on boards because we're all brutally honest here). I can't imagine telling people that he dumped me because I wasn't interested in sex. I'd have to say that it just wans't working out any more:(

I'd imagine it is certainly a common factor, but you never know if it is the principle one in breakups or caused by other factors (other relationship problems will affect a couples sex life after all).

I would say that once you hit your mid-thirties you begin hearing a lot more about it. Pub conversations with mates at one in the morning where they confess that this is an issue.

I'll have to admit that this thread has been informative for me too, in that it has exposed that some people seem to see relationships from a purly selfish perspective, which I suspect contributes to these problems if not actually causes it.

I'm still not convinced about the need part. I mean if it was that much of a need how could anyone survive 30 years without it? There are probably some people who will never in their lifetime have sex. It's not like food, you can survive without it.

You can survive as a hermit on a mountaintop too, but it's probably not a very healthy thing to do psychologically.

Wibbs

sunnyside wrote: »

Did you tell people the real reason you broke up? I've never heard anyone give it as a reason for breaking up but I'm convinced it must happen a lot. (I mean people in real life, not on boards because we're all brutally honest here). I can't imagine telling people that he dumped me because I wasn't interested in sex. I'd have to say that it just wans't working out any more:(

In the examples in my own life, of the three, I told two of them that lack of sex was one of the reasons. In those two cases it was a symptom of lack of compromise,intimacy and the biggest indicator of their self centeredness. Being rejected intimately is one of the most hurtful things that can be done to someone.

The third woman I didn't as I think she just had a very low sex drive. Well, lower than mine enough for it to be an issue. She didn't use it as leverage though and god love her she tried to change. She actually brought it up herself as a reason, but I said it wasn't. No point being a git and because she was thinking of my needs as well as hers, it was a pity. Nice person too. Plus outside of sex drive diffs it was quite possible that I just didn't float her boat enough sexually, or my preferences just weren't hers, or I was crap in bed with her. She may well have found she was more sexual with someone else since and that would be better for her too. That happens. I know on my own side I've been more sexually compatible with some women than others and my sex drive went up accordingly.

I'm still not convinced about the need part. I mean if it was that much of a need how could anyone survive 30 years without it? There are probably some people who will never in their lifetime have sex. It's not like food, you can survive without it.

Yes but as Gholimoli wrote there are a helluva lot of things that you don't need to survive. You dont need human company to survive. You don't need sunlight for the most part. You don't need nice tasty food. You don't need so many things, but without them life would not be worth living or be severely diminished. Sex and intimacy would be right at the top. It is rare a person that can take celibacy for life and come out of it healthy emotionally. Yes many religious people can, but their faith takes up the slack. Or doesn't as the case may be and as history has shown us.

Wibbs

The Corinthian wrote: »

I would say that once you hit your mid-thirties you begin hearing a lot more about it. Pub conversations with mates at one in the morning where they confess that this is an issue.

Both men and women too. I've known quite a few women who complain that after the first few years the guy has backed right off. Nearly equal to the amount of men who complain about it. I would even say there may be more hidden women with this issue as guys have to appear to the world to be always up for it, so will complain their missus isn't putting out as much as an ego thing.

I'll have to admit that this thread has been informative for me too, in that it has exposed that some people seem to see relationships from a purly selfish perspective, which I suspect contributes to these problems if not actually causes it.

Agreed. To be frank, I think one of the reasons I would be reticent about getting into a relationship at the moment, is that selfish angle I've been exposed to far too much in the past. I'm very sensitive to it. I think any relationship will survive and thrive so long as that "it's all about me" thing is not present or fought against in both partners. Beyond basic compatibility, without insight and understanding it's just a question of time.

LegacyUser

sunnyside wrote: »

Did you tell people the real reason you broke up? I've never heard anyone give it as a reason for breaking up but I'm convinced it must happen a lot. (I mean people in real life, not on boards because we're all brutally honest here). I can't imagine telling people that he dumped me because I wasn't interested in sex. I'd have to say that it just wans't working out any more:(

I'm still not convinced about the need part. I mean if it was that much of a need how could anyone survive 30 years without it? There are probably some people who will never in their lifetime have sex. It's not like food, you can survive without it.

This has definitely been one of the more informative lack of sex threads.

It does happen a lot, I broke up with a my ex-husband over lack of sex. I told him all the way along it was a problem but he didn't take me seriously, wouldn't listen.

I think he thought because we got along well otherwise and had a house together that I would eventually become like him, but there was no way I could contemplate a life like that.
I realised I has made an enormous mistake and also that he had no intentions of changing.

He would fob me off when we tried to discuss it, I couldn't get through to him, so I left him.
HE couldn't believe it, but I had told him over and over, he just didn't take me seriously!

I was ecstatic and still am, I didn't want a cosy companion to cuddle, I wanted a man!