Dilemma???

anonGirl

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tbh

the thing is, you're not willing to compromise yourself (I'm not judging you for that, btw). Maybe he feels that when push comes to shove, you're going to look after yourself, so he should as well.

barbiegirl

He has tried it your way for the past year and it hasn't worked. Now you need to look at his way. He changed everything for you, where he lives, his job and sacrificed a good opportunity, but you won't consider doing the same for him.
This is a partnership and seriously if you can't both talk about it you need to reconsider the marriage thing. If this isn't right, are you willing to give him up? Are you willing not to see him 1/2 the year and do you think the marriage would survive? Have you looked seriously at moving with him? 100 miles is not that far away, so unless you are caring for a sick parent or something similar I think you need to learn to compromise also.

RedXIV

Even though i know you've stated that you have your reasons, i can't help but be drawn to the fact that you refused to move to his county, almost demanding his comprimise and now that he has an opportunity, one that will make him happy in work and your refusing to give him a chance. you may not realise it, but your not.

May I ask what the personal reasons are? i travel close to 100km most weekends so i know it's not impossible to keep contact with people in two different locations

anonGirl

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beth-lou

I think that you need to look at what sacrifices you are willing to make to make this relationship work. You seem to want him to make most of them, while you are relatively unaffected.

Times have changed and the construction industry is screwed, so if he has an opportunity to work for himself and bring in a stable wage, then he would be very foolish to turn that down. Seriously, there are no jobs out there and maybe he is being more realistic than you are. Somewhere you are going to have to compromise, one way or the other. How will you bring kids in to the world anyway without the money to pay for basic living costs?

You can not continue the way things are, so you need to talk to him and listen and realise that he also needs a job and what compromise you can come to.

tbh

anonGirl wrote: »

Yes well that is true, but I've been through this already and he doesn't want to live half way between places either.

I understand your point on him looking after himself too, but it isn't really a basis for our married life, which seems like it will be apart not together?


Today I'm getting texts about him hating 'this place' - meaning work. I'm fed up of it, I just wrote back go home. No answer since! My head is seriously going to give in soon.

you want to live somewhere that he doesn't want to live. He wants to live somewhere that you don't want to live. The only way you can solve this problem is by both people compromising. This means that neither of you get exactly what they want. What you are saying here is that if he loves you, he'll make all the compromise. Not a good basis for a marriage, imo.

jim o doom

anonGirl wrote: »

Yes well that is true, but I've been through this already and he doesn't want to live half way between places either.

I understand your point on him looking after himself too, but it isn't really a basis for our married life, which seems like it will be apart not together?


Today I'm getting texts about him hating 'this place' - meaning work. I'm fed up of it, I just wrote back go home. No answer since! My head is seriously going to give in soon.

It seems to me that neither of you are willing to compromise on this issue. He doesn't want to live in your country, you are unwilling to live in his.. Unless you are both willing to come to some sort of compromise, there is serious trouble down the line.

anonGirl

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tbh

anonGirl wrote: »

. I'm just questioning what is left in our relationship to save.
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I hate to be the one to point out the obvious, but in my experience, people will do anything for love. If you're not willing to do anything, then maybe it's not love.

beth-lou

If you are getting married and starting a family, the his family / my family thing shouldn't be the deciding factor. You are making a commitment to each other and it should your future family that is number one. You either pull together on this one, or split, because it sounds like you are holding on to things from your youth and are basing your future around those as opposed to planning a future together. It doesn't sound good I have to say.

RedXIV

tbh wrote: »

I hate to be the one to point out the obvious, but in my experience, people will do anything for love. If you're not willing to do anything, then maybe it's not love.

seriously, +1 here

Unless ye are willing to pull together then, then there's going to be an unhappy party. I know neither of ye in this is blameless but thts not the issue, the issue is who's going to fix it?

anonGirl

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beth-lou

So it sounds as though the solution for you is for him to

A. Not take this job, stay where he is, most likely become unemployed, so that you can stay close to your Mam.

B.........well you don't have another option, that's it.

I don't know what you want people to say. Would you be willing to look for another job and move with him to the county he is going to be working in?
If you really loved each other you would find a way. At the moment you both want to be beside your Mammies.

Sounds like you both have a lot of growing up to do before you marry. you are both still tied to your families and not truely commited to each other, yet. If you can sort this out you are on your way, but right now you are in deadlock.

anonGirl

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sunnyside

AnonGirl I am 100% on the man's side here. You sound immature and he sounds sensible. Unless you plan on marrying the guy next door this distance issue comes up in a lot of relationships. It sounds very much that what you want is a husband and babies and you see him as the provider of this rather than seeing him as a person with his own life and opinions .

beth-lou wrote: »

Times have changed and the construction industry is screwed, so if he has an opportunity to work for himself and bring in a stable wage, then he would be very foolish to turn that down. Seriously, there are no jobs out there and maybe he is being more realistic than you are. Somewhere you are going to have to compromise, one way or the other. How will you bring kids in to the world anyway without the money to pay for basic living costs?
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What beth said.

anonGirl wrote: »

I understand that, but I'm trying to point out that I cannot do the commute thing again, I would have to drive over 100 miles a day - I have done this already and it basically ends up that your just getting home and eating dinner, and sleeping at a base camp before going off to start the day again with the next 100 odd miles.

(an my mum is alone) where as he is from a big family. It isn't an ideal situation, but we did talk about moving half way and he wouldn't go for it. He just said that it was better that one of us we're close by and the fact that we were offered a site - which is what he wanted instead of living in a town.

A 100 mile return trip isn't that far. You say you are commuting to Dublin so the roads shouldn't be too bad. People move to different countries to be with people they love.

beth-lou wrote: »

So it sounds as though the solution for you is for him to

A. Not take this job, stay where he is, most likely become unemployed, so that you can stay close to your Mam.

B.........well you don't have another option, that's it.

I don't know what you want people to say. Would you be willing to look for another job and move with him to the county he is going to be working in?
If you really loved each other you would find a way. At the moment you both want to be beside your Mammies.

Sounds like you both have a lot of growing up to do before you marry. you are both still tied to your families and not truely commited to each other, yet. If you can sort this out you are on your way, but right now you are in deadlock.

Again, everything she said. Your commitment is to your mammy rather than your husband to be. You seem to want "a husband" as opposed to someone you love to share your life with.

anonGirl wrote: »

I cannot just move there - jobs in the IT industry are few and far between right now. Dublin is the only place really for the moment. Believe me I have been looking. There might be a few phantom jobs out there but they are just CV catchers. I also have to keep my job to gain experience (1 - 2 years) in a new technology I'm currently learning, the old language I have been working in for the last 2 years is out dated so there aren't really any jobs in that area any more.
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What makes your job more important than his? You said you want to have babies so you might not even continue to work but the man will definitely continue to work (health and economic situation permitting). What he plans on doing is a good opportunity for advancement but you would prefer him to be risk unemployment so he can live next door to your mammy?

I'm sorry to be so harsh here but really somebody has to tell you.