Help from the girls... eternally single guy

GrayD

Hi all,
Sorry if this has been done to death but I 'd really like help from the girls here.

I've been single for a year and a half. I was never good with girls before then but do to how things all came about my confidence was shattered... ok, I won't give a big sob story, it just was.

I recently moved to a new place with work. I know people in work but I don't really know anyone else.

I know lots of people who are just ALWAYS in a relationship, one ends, they'll find someone else in two weeks. A relationship ending isn't a big deal to them, it just ended, it wasn't right, they'll see how it goes with someone else in a week or two.

With me I just NEVER get the oppertunity. Everyone says "get out there", "join a club"... but it doesn't matter. I never come across the oppertunities to meet nice single girls my age, who'd actually go out with me.

I'm tall, I'm not overweight or anything. I'm not particularly stunning but even though I have hangups about my looks, I'm ok, I'm not the worst looking in the world, or maybe I am that nobody will look at me. I don't know.

But nice girls NEVER want anything to do with me. I never meet people. I never get the oppertunities to, I'm never in the situation where I meet any girls or get to chat to them or get in a position to god forbid suggest we meet again.

How do people do it? Its making me feel really bad. I'm starting to begin to think I must be a freak or something. How do people do it? Please don't say "wait, it'll happen!"... it DOESN'T just happen. People MAKE it happen, thats how some people are always in relationships and getting dates, they just KNOW how to do it and I don't...

Can anyone please help me out? What is it?

Chinafoot

Moved to PI.

LegacyUser

hey,
honestly u sound like a really sound guy. i can also identify with ya, am currently single,actually havent been in a serious relationship but have just txtd people and met up with them few times but nothin has ever come of it. d last guy said dat d distance between us wuda been an issue but howd he kno when we actually never tried it as a serious relationship.
when i see poeple jumping from relationship to relationship i start thinking how serious were they about their previous partner, i mean how can u just get over a person so quickly and have someone elase ready on the sidelines? personally i think these, but not all, poeple may be just in a relationship for the security and to be able to say that they are in a realationship rather than being single. deep down they may be insecure and seek the confidence and security that a relationship brings, if that makes any sense.
i kno exactly what ya mean about the whole getting out there and youll meet someone, im pretty tall and according to the last guy i met very skinny tho think he suda gone to specsavers but guys are actually intimidated by my height, honestly. all my shorter friends get chatted up all the time but im just left standing.....all tall!! though, there is a saying that if its meant for ya itl not pass ya and its not only going out that you can meet people, its through people and even walking to the shop dat u can meet someone.
i feel ur pain and share the exact same thought as you and would love to be in a steady relationship myslef. sometimes i think taht mayb im just too, i dunno how to put this but if im in a relationship i really commit myself to it and am genuinely happy with the person whereas perhaps the poeple taht you mentioned mite just want their status on bebo to say in a relationship nad not really care baou the person.
advice- be yourself, dont put on any airs or graces. girls prefer a guy who is genuine and down to earth than someone who is constantly with their nose stick in the air tho u dont sound lik dat kinda guy. go out and enjoy yourself, dont look at every girl as the noxt potential gf but have a bit of craic and exchange a few phone numbers and see where it goes form there. you dont really know a person until youve textd them a few times. youre not doing anything at all wrong, hope it all works out for ya x

starchild

Hi op,

i would like to make a couple of general suggestions and hopefully they will help

if your confidence is shattered you are possibly giving off the wrong vibes, this is important and i would recommend you work on this, maybe read some self help books as a general guideline as to how to improve this

dont look at every girl as a potential partner, get to know them as friends whether they are in a relationship or not, through these friendships you will prob meet loads girls

i agree to a certain extent you can make it happen in that you can place yourself in a situation where you meet like minded people

why dont you try a dating agency, you will be interacting with girls who by joining the agency have stated that they are interested in meeting someone with a view to a relationship, i know there is a bit of a stigma attached but personally i see nothing wrong with them, my last boss met his wife through one

i hear what your saying about joining clubs, but dont give up on that any social outet is a good place to meet people

wylo

Unregistered wrote: »

hey,
honestly u sound like a really sound guy. i can also identify with ya, am currently single,actually havent been in a serious relationship but have just txtd people and met up with them few times but nothin has ever come of it. d last guy said dat d distance between us wuda been an issue but howd he kno when we actually never tried it as a serious relationship.
when i see poeple jumping from relationship to relationship i start thinking how serious were they about their previous partner, i mean how can u just get over a person so quickly and have someone elase ready on the sidelines? personally i think these, but not all, poeple may be just in a relationship for the security and to be able to say that they are in a realationship rather than being single. deep down they may be insecure and seek the confidence and security that a relationship brings, if that makes any sense.
i kno exactly what ya mean about the whole getting out there and youll meet someone, im pretty tall and according to the last guy i met very skinny tho think he suda gone to specsavers but guys are actually intimidated by my height, honestly. all my shorter friends get chatted up all the time but im just left standing.....all tall!! though, there is a saying that if its meant for ya itl not pass ya and its not only going out that you can meet people, its through people and even walking to the shop dat u can meet someone.
i feel ur pain and share the exact same thought as you and would love to be in a steady relationship myslef. sometimes i think taht mayb im just too, i dunno how to put this but if im in a relationship i really commit myself to it and am genuinely happy with the person whereas perhaps the poeple taht you mentioned mite just want their status on bebo to say in a relationship nad not really care baou the person.
advice- be yourself, dont put on any airs or graces. girls prefer a guy who is genuine and down to earth than someone who is constantly with their nose stick in the air tho u dont sound lik dat kinda guy. go out and enjoy yourself, dont look at every girl as the noxt potential gf but have a bit of craic and exchange a few phone numbers and see where it goes form there. you dont really know a person until youve textd them a few times. youre not doing anything at all wrong, hope it all works out for ya x

good advice, but a stressful read, was like a big long text.

OP, I wouldnt overestimate how happy people are that just go from relationship to relationship.
Your right , it doesnt just happen on its own. Some people are lucky and get handed it on a plate but most dont, so I suggest you start reading up about confidence. Once you boost your own self esteem and happiness then itll be a lot easier for you to start CREATING situations that allow you to find women.

boarddotie

GrayD wrote: »

I know lots of people who are just ALWAYS in a relationship, one ends, they'll find someone else in two weeks. A relationship ending isn't a big deal to them, it just ended, it wasn't right, they'll see how it goes with someone else in a week or two.

I have friends like this and I can never understand where they find these people within a few week yet I have been single for way longer and these opportunities dont come up. But that makes me think....

Unregistered wrote: »

when i see poeple jumping from relationship to relationship i start thinking how serious were they about their previous partner, i mean how can u just get over a person so quickly and have someone elase ready on the sidelines? personally i think these, but not all, poeple may be just in a relationship for the security and to be able to say that they are in a realationship rather than being single. deep down they may be insecure and seek the confidence and security that a relationship brings, if that makes any sense.

....just what you said really! Surely we could all jump from relationship to relationship if we are desperate enough...just so we wouldnt be alone.

OP perhaps you are too picky? But that is defintely NOT a bad thing!
Maybe try dating website. I did for 3 months and while its not for everyone (wasnt for me by the end of it) it actually may make you appreciate that single isnt too bad and being desperate and in a relationship for the sake of it is way worse.

Good luck!

PullMyFinger!

I havent read it yet but this book is meant to be very helpful if your confidence is knocked. Also watch your body language when talking to girls, they can spot desperation 20 feet away.

Sonderval

...may make you appreciate that single isnt too bad and being desperate and in a relationship for the sake of it is way worse.

Well put and very true.

LolaLuv

You're putting waaaaay too much pressure on yourself. Just because you've been single for a while doesn't mean no one from the opposite sex will ever want you again for the rest of your life. I spent nearly two years celibate, so I know it can feel like that sometimes, but you can't let it get to you. Enjoy the time you have being single right now; work on yourself, physically and emotionally, until you're the person you want yourself to be. Chances are that when you do that, you'll also be the person someone else wants to be with. In the meantime, try not to psyche yourself out too much. It frequently just comes down to timing. You never know when or where you're going to meet someone.

And those assholes that get in a new relationship within a week are generally desperate. Don't let them get you down.

username123

Its all in the vibes you give out.
People are attracted to someone who has self confidence - if your self confidence is down youre gonna give off the vibes saying so.

Even if you dont feel particularly self confident - fake it. Theres a fine line between good self confidence and arrogance - so dont go too far!!

Generally speaking when someone is self confident, happy in themselves and their place in the world they attract other people to them. If you give off the vibe that youre not happy in yourself, or that you need a mate to be happy, then the vibe smells of desperation.

So my advice is this : improve your self confidence and self esteem. When they are improved you may find that the situation changes for you with little effort. And if it doesnt - you wont care so much if youre happy in your own skin.

The people who 'make' it happen - its less important to them, so they dont get these hang ups about hooking up with people.

Homer J Simpson

username123 wrote: »

Its all in the vibes you give out.
People are attracted to someone who has self confidence - if your self confidence is down youre gonna give off the vibes saying so.

Even if you dont feel particularly self confident - fake it. Theres a fine line between good self confidence and arrogance - so dont go too far!!

Generally speaking when someone is self confident, happy in themselves and their place in the world they attract other people to them. If you give off the vibe that youre not happy in yourself, or that you need a mate to be happy, then the vibe smells of desperation.

So my advice is this : improve your self confidence and self esteem. When they are improved you may find that the situation changes for you with little effort. And if it doesnt - you wont care so much if youre happy in your own skin.

The people who 'make' it happen - its less important to them, so they dont get these hang ups about hooking up with people.

Username has hit the nail on the head there. Some of the best advice I've read in a long time.

St Bill

username123 wrote: »

Generally speaking when someone is self confident, happy in themselves and their place in the world they attract other people to them. If you give off the vibe that youre not happy in yourself, or that you need a mate to be happy, then the vibe smells of desperation.

So my advice is this : improve your self confidence and self esteem. When they are improved you may find that the situation changes for you with little effort. And if it doesnt - you wont care so much if youre happy in your own skin.

damn right
OP, you're the male equivalent of a girl who worries unnecessarily about her weight and asks 'does my bum look big in this?'. Tough as it sounds, very few people want a partner whose confidence is low because there's a lot of pressure on them to always make the 'low confidence' person feel better about him/herself. Not the way to go for a balanced, healthy relationship.
As others have said, enjoy your single life..... get to know yourself better and the confidence will follow. Take your time, you've the rest of your life to live and the time and energy you invest in yourself now will give you a much better life in the long run.

FusionNet

Hey GrayD,

Ive been out of serious relationships for um 6 years now! Im only 30 but found after the last serious one I really knew what I wanted. I decided if I didnt find it i wouldnt settle for second best. All my mates are married so I dont get the opp to go out to clubs like a lot of guys my age do. But saying that Ive never been happier. Ya Ive dated a lot since, nothing ever seemed right so I stayed on my own.

You will reach a point where it will feel good. As other people say dont look at girls as potentials just be cool and sometimes you have to make a fool of yourself and ask the odd girl out. Im convined life must have some sort of plan for us cause I too have friends who are always dating, since they were like 12!! But Im never too convinced by these people. I have only seriously dated a few and those people meant the world at the time. People use the L word way too easily now a days.. Oh god Im sounding like an old man!!

Anyways, chin up, be confident, never talk about ex's and never talk to women about being single!

username123

St Bill wrote: »

Tough as it sounds, very few people want a partner whose confidence is low because there's a lot of pressure on them to always make the 'low confidence' person feel better about him/herself. Not the way to go for a balanced, healthy relationship.

That is an excellent point.

I know it sounds like such a cliche but happiness comes from within - nothing on the outside will make you happy if youre not already happy on the inside. And potential daters sense that, its in the vibes. And no one wants to start up something with someone who isnt happy on the inside - cos its gonna cause problems for them trying to make that person happy all the time.

LegacyUser

Never mind this self confidence stuff. Im confident with myself in every way but 1....I get shy around women I like. Apart from that Im down to earth, make friends easily, very social and was voted the 2nd best looking guy in work by the girls at the christmas party out of around 100 guys so its not as if im ugly!!! Im 26, never had a girlfriend and am still a virgin! People are amazed at this when they find out, especially women! I have friends who go from relationship to relationship with the click of a finger and I just dont know how they do it. They feed so much bull**** to women on nights out and the women fall for it and I just think there is no way I could say that stuff without feeling like a creep or something. I just think either you have it or you dont and I certainly dont!! On the rare occassion I do actually pluck up the courage to chat to someone I like they always have a boyfriend or just recently out of a relationship and not looking for anything so now I have just given up looking to meet women on nights out cause its just a waste of time.

St Bill

I think it's hilarious that your work place rated all the men there....can you imagine the uproar if women were so openly rated like that in the workplace?
I think people are talking about self confidence because it seems from the OP's post that he's lacking in it...I know I certainly picked up that impression from what he'd written.

newestUser

OP, I don't think you should be looking for help from women.

What would a woman know about your situation? How women go about finding a partner is very different from how a man does it. It's a totally different situation for them.

Don't obsess over being in a relationship. It's not the be-all-and-end-all, you'll end up making yourself unhappy (and that will be perceived by others, adding to your unattractiveness). In addition, your neediness will possibly lead to you getting tangled up with people who, possibly without even knowing it themselves, like being in relationships where they can be in control, because they know the other party is needy.

Easier said than done, but just relax, learn to be happy in your own skin before looking at being in a relationship. Being miserable just repels the good ones, and attracts the bad ones.

Oh, and like any problem, the best way to solve it is to observe how other people tackle it successfully. Spend substantial amounts of time around men who are successful with women, and not just in terms of notches on the bedposts, but in terms of the quality of their relationships. Spend time around men who are popular, and well-liked. We're relational people, the people we spend time with end up rubbing off on us.

Kimono-Girl

i agree with newest user,

for the past 3 years i bounced form relationship to relationship not cause i liked the guys but because they liked me as funny as that sounds.

i had a need to feel like someone still loved me that i was lovable, but all i did was attract guys i didnt want to be with, i even went as far as getting engaged to one, not because i loved him but because i was grateful he helped me out in a bad situation i was in. funnily enough it didn't work out thank god,

when you feel you need love you attract the wrong guys/girls.

it was only when i was set up by my ex/friend with his best friend did i find the relationship ive dreamed of. why? my theory is A: i was happy being single and being me! B: my ex knew me and he knew his best friend were so alike yet different in all the right ways, and as a result we're in a serious relationship we're both the happiest we've ever been and we're both enjoying our sepererate lives together.

you need to be in the right frame of mind to attract someone be you male or female.

Elbi

GrayD wrote: »

I think there are an awful lot of people in the same situation as you, half my friends are like the ones yu spoke about, jumping in and out of relationships and always having a partner, while the other half of my friends (including me) never seem to meet anyone and have been single for years, even though they do put themselves out there, I just think its very hard to meet someone in general.

But.. I am a strong believer that there is someone for everyone, so dont give up hope, your oppertunity will come.

Maybe chill out about it a little and see what happens,