High Maintenance Mother

LegacyUser

My mother is wrecking my head. I'm a fella in my mid twenties and think I live a pretty normal life (friends, hobbies etc) and work in a high intensity job.

The problem is my mother is a semi retired widow and doesn't have many friends. My Dad died when I was very young and my Mum put all her effort and attention to raising me and brother the best she could. The problem is now that we're all grown up and moved out it seems like she's got no focus in her life and lashes out at us for not being there at home.

I call or text or my mum every other day. I see her nearly every weekend. We don't really have anything to talk about since she doesn't have any hobbies or interests. And despite my regular contact she still gives me constant grief about being a "bad son" because I don't put more time into her. She makes me feel guilty just to be out with my friends cos I know she'll be at home, on her own sending me passive aggressive texts about me forgetting where I come from.

So what do I do? Am I in the wrong? I love my mother and really appreciate what she's done for me but I can't just give up my life so that she's not miserable on her own. I'm working hard at my career, I want to have a girlfriend and make something of myself but she tries to make me feel that if I'm not working I should be at home with her. There must be some way of making things better for both of us?

LegacyUser

going un-reg as some people here will know me and my wife


This is a tough one because we all deify our mothers. They can do no wrong. 99.999999% of the time they are perfect.

Coming to grips with the fact that your sole parent is imperfect is difficult.

Try to be as sympathetic as possible but under no circumstances should you curtail your own life to accomodate this behaviour.

You'll never get the balance right so don't beat yourself up when you don't.

Be as straight-talking as you can. There might come a point when nothing you say will be good enough. Try to move on and life your life.

Mum won't be there forever. While she's there do what you can but don't put it at the expense of living your own life.

*If* you can have a conversation with her about how her texting makes you feel then try but it sounds like a conversation of an adult nature isn't going to be possible.

You cannot make things better for both of you. You can only make things better for you.
This is because you only know what you want, not what she wants.
It's also because it's not your responsibility.

Good luck. It has taken my wife a decade to get out of a similar relationshop with her mother.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the reply.

I'm well aware of my mother's faults and if I could reason with her or convince her to seek a counselor or family therapist I would.

But I see your points differently. I'll be getting the bum deal but at the end of the day, she's the one without the friends, career and isn't going to be around as long as I am (well probability-wise). I'd hate to feel guilty when's she's gone that I didn't do more to make her existence a bit more bearable.

I think the age gap is most significant. If I was "grown up" my own family then we'd have more to connect about but how the hell am I supposed to make something out of myself if I don't work and socialise. Seems a little catch 22

Zascar

You'd be surprised just how common this problem actually is.

Getting her hobbies, interests and friends is key

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

Thanks for the reply.

I'd hate to feel guilty when's she's gone that I didn't do more to make her existence a bit more bearable.

You're welcome. It's not easy.


You won't feel guilty. When she's gone you might be very very angry and resentful.

It is not your responsibility to make her existence more bearable.


She is not a child, she is not your responsibility.

LegacyUser

It's hard man, but try not to feel guilt... she's probably not going to change now at this stage in her life but there are a few things you could do for her..... does she read or watch movies?
a) you could try getting her to join a book club
b) when you are at home, take her to the cinema - she might like getting out a bit more and you'd have something to talk about after.

My ma has no interests and I find that it can be really difficult to communicate with her on a one to one.

You should not feel guilty though.

Get a girlfriend and live your life - if your mother calls you a "bad son" then just say that you're not, you call or text every other day, you see her at weekends.

Text her this when she texts you: "Ma, how am I expected to find myself a wife if I have to be constantly hanging out with you? " or "sorry ma, have to meet up with X and Y and then am playing football tomorrow - looking forward to seeing you Saturday".

It's not your responsibility to make her life more bearable.

The problem with confronting someone like your mam is that she'll take everything as an insult ("how could you say that to your own mother?") but you have to be strong and be firm with her.

LegacyUser

OP , I really feel for you but I cant offer much help. I moved home to help my mam after my dad died - now I feel I cant move out. Shes a lovely woman but doesnt have many interests etc

You just have to bite the bullet and say no sometimes. Im working up to telling her Im moving out...soon. At the end of it, its your life and your mam would want you to be happy

Salome

Does your brother get as much grief?

LegacyUser

I know how you feel man,My old pair are seperated,mam moved to a new town,dad in another country, I feel like i have to go there every weekend and i hate the place...
It really does my head in

barbiegirl

Has your ma got friends, maybe someone you can talk to? If so enlist their help. If not, then look up local groups in her area, things you think she might be interested in, then pay for her membership, she will feel obliged to go and that should hopefully snowball into some friends and interests.
Your ma put her life on hold for you and your brother, now she has an empty nest and is resentful, don't let that be your problem, it is hers. Help her, love her, be there for her, but live your own life. Make it clear you see her every weekend, and are around if there is an emergency but don't pander. Also at weekends do things together rather than just sit and watch telly. Walks, recitals, exhibitions, museums, that type of thing, give you something to talk about.
She is your ma, you have only one, try to develop a relationship beyond the teenage one and into an adult one :-)

jim o doom

I had fairly overbearing, but still very loving parents. One died & I felt bad that I hadn't spend more time with her near the end, several years later same situation with my dad.. with the same wishing I had spent more time feeling.. but my auld pair croaked it in their late 50's & early 60's.. your mam could end up living a lot longer!

I don't think I had been quite the "good son" that you are currently being, by keeping in contact so regularily.. I think you should just keep being "good" and staying in contact regularily, because whilst you are not "responsible" for your mothers happines, she is your ma & did raise you and spent her life doing that.. so effort is always good

That being said, you need to tell her to stop being negative & that you are doing your best to live your life & do good by her as well, but that she is also her own person and needs to get out and about more. That could be the start of an argument, but she should realise that you are being good & that she needs to stop taking her personal life frustrations out on you..