Bully boys

LegacyUser · 01-02-2009 8:52am #1

Hi,

I am 26 yo male. When i was in school i had with low self esteem. I was weak and took social criticism very badly. When i was thirteen or so i had a nasty thing happen while playing with the local GAA. The guy i was marking punched me very hard during the game for no reason. He was in my year in school but we did not really know each other and had hardly, if ever spoken. I remember feeling vey confused as to why he had done it, but looking back it was just for his friends amusement. I stopped playing team sports not long ater that, which i regret to this day.

When i left shool i went to college and passed four years smoking dope in depression. I ended up working as a barman, a job which i love despite all the bad aspects.

I started a new job two months ago and i knew this guy and his mates are regulars there and very good friends with the owner. Over the years i came to think that it was my outward display of weakness which allowed me to be bullied and that displaying confidence would change that. With this in mind i went over to them for a chat on my first night.

They were moderately friendly and i thought that almost a decade of water under the bridge had made them more mature. I walked away feeling happy until a beer mat hit me in the back of the head. Now, whenever i am around they make comments behind my back and generally act like assholes.

When this happens i am struck with fear, go silent and die inside, just like all those years of hell in school. It really gets me down.

I guess i am not looking for advice here. Just want to vent. Thanks for reading.

MIN2511 · 01-02-2009 9:18am

Do they do this to you when you are working? Report this to the manager, it is wrong. I know you say they are friendly with the manager but he's your first point of call, if you report this incidents to him and he does nothing about it then you should get a lawyer involved.

Victor · 01-02-2009 9:23am

Talk to your boss - if he doesn't take it seriously he can be in serious trouble.

Then "Sorry lads, not tonight"

silverharp · 01-02-2009 9:27am

alot of people have been bullied at some stage in their life, and one would think that if you bumped into your bully later in life there would be some remorse/embarrasement on their side. Obviously some people never grow up.

Now that it is a work situation , your employeer is obliged to offer you a safe work environment , I'm sure people have been barred from pubs for less, if your boss is in anyway decent he should be able to put a stop to it, or at least you should be free to report the incidents to him.

LegacyUser · 01-02-2009 9:28am

I actually foolishly said it to him the first night. That was fuel on the fire. He went over talking to them and i heard one of them make an ewww(like ew sorry) noise which was followed by a big round of laughter. To be fair the owner was not laughing and i would not expect him to take the side of a new employee over old regular cusomers.
I dont think a lawyer would do anything about sneering. It would just embarass me and my family in this small town.
It gets me down that these guys dont know me and i have never done a bad thing to them.

Abi · 01-02-2009 9:33am

SadInside, you seem like a sensitive person. But there are people like them everywhere, so you need to arm yourself to handle it.

I think you should talk to someone, your self esteem needs rebuilding.

dny123456 · 01-02-2009 11:03am

A beermat Mike.

OP, I think you should just move jobs. It's just a bar job, there must be lots of other places you could work? The guys you are describing, just sound like knobs. Get away from them... and before you think it... no it's not running away from the problem.

amcalester · 01-02-2009 11:20am

Abigayle wrote: »

SadInside, you seem like a sensitive person. But there are people like them everywhere, so you need to arm yourself to handle it.

I think you should talk to someone, your self esteem needs rebuilding.

dny123456 wrote: »

A beermat Mike.

OP, I think you should just move jobs. It's just a bar job, there must be lots of other places you could work? The guys you are describing, just sound like knobs. Get away from them... and before you think it... no it's not running away from the problem.

bollix, you work there and if they are acting like as$holes then the owner should do something. I've worked in pubs for years and if somebody threw a beermat at me or anybody I was working with then they'd be given a warning and then they'd be out the door.

A bit of pub banter and slagging is fine but personal abuse is never acceptable.

Like it was said above "Sorry lads, not tonight" is a great way to get through to them.

Abi · 01-02-2009 11:55am

amcalester wrote: »

bollix, you work there and if they are acting like as$holes then the owner should do something. I've worked in pubs for years and if somebody threw a beermat at me or anybody I was working with then they'd be given a warning and then they'd be out the door.

A bit of pub banter and slagging is fine but personal abuse is never acceptable.

Like it was said above "Sorry lads, not tonight" is a great way to get through to them.

It goes without saying that he should mention it to his boss.

Did you happen to read the start of his post?

dny123456 · 01-02-2009 12:12pm

amcalester wrote: »

bollix, you work there and if they are acting like as$holes then the owner should do something. I've worked in pubs for years and if somebody threw a beermat at me or anybody I was working with then they'd be given a warning and then they'd be out the door.

OP mentioned that he did say it to his boss... on the night. All it got him was further jeering. So he is obviously not working in the same type of environment as you were working in. Boss did nothing, or worse, stood by while he was jeered. Time to get out of dodge. It's their loss.

Permabear · 01-02-2009 12:52pm

This post has been deleted.

starchild · 01-02-2009 1:28pm

talk to the manager let him know there is a problem, if it continues dont serve them on the night, your manager should back you

just dont confuse friendly banter or slagging with abuse

VB1962 · 01-02-2009 6:14pm

Hi OP,

Sorry to hear you're still afflicted by the immaturity of these people. You need to realise that you're better than them - giggling, sneering and throwing beermats for a laugh certainly isn't adult behaviour.

You made your approach in the hope that some maturity might have occurred in the intervening years - clearly this hasn't happened - not your problem -theirs.

As you mentioned in your post, you didn't want advice, you just wanted to vent but it seems to me from your post that you are considerably more of an adult than these people so forgive me for this suggestion. Perhaps you might consider refusing them permission to intimidate you - no need for confrontation - just smile to yourself in the knowledge that they have the issues and you have the power to ignore their childish behaviour.

LegacyUser · 01-02-2009 7:25pm

OP, Oh my God I could scream after reading your post. My heart goes out to you. You should not have to endure this in your work. I can't believe the mates of this as$h0!e just sit there and laugh along with him- they're obviously afraid of him when they allow him to continue in this way, when you're not defending yourself. Any teasing like this starts to annoy decent people when it's not two way. I'd say it's not just you that is bullied by him, others obviously are too including the batman who is obviously afraid of him too.
You are a much better person than him.
Remember people only bully because they are unhappy with life. It gives them some feeling of power. They usually end their days lonely. That's my philosophy anyway and I've seen it happen again with people who were horrible to others.

Propellerhead · 01-02-2009 8:32pm

The OP should go to a good firm of solicitors who deal with employment law. As his boss is not providing a safe working environment for him he will be entitled to compensation.

LegacyUser · 01-02-2009 8:42pm

Mate you are SO much better than them, rise above them. They are complete dickheads.

You have to stand up for yourself, take legal action.
Throwing a beermat at you is so immature, so is petty comments.
Remember its not you its ALL them. Do not let it get you down.

sunnyjim · 01-02-2009 9:01pm

How come no-one has pointed out the stupidity of what the OP did on his first night in work?!

1 punch in the face when you are 13. Over ten years later you are still thinking about it and point it out to your manager? What the hell, you're just looking for trouble.

tony1kenobi · 01-02-2009 9:15pm

Not the most constructive advice but rubbing your willy around the top of their glasses before serving them would give you a bit of a laugh. I used to do it to people I liked. Won't tell you what I did to people I didn't like.

I don't get barwork anymore though.

dolliemix · 01-02-2009 9:19pm

sunnyjim wrote: »

How come no-one has pointed out the stupidity of what the OP did on his first night in work?!

1 punch in the face when you are 13. Over ten years later you are still thinking about it and point it out to your manager? What the hell, you're just looking for trouble.

Completely unhelpful post. Have you been in a similar situation sunnyjim? If I ran into people who had bullied me I would definitely mention it to whoever I was with. He wasn't telling tales as such just stating a fact!

You gave those guys way too much credit on the first night of work OP by going up and talking to them. They haven't grown up yet, they haven't learned much on an emotional level since they were 12 obviously. Just be thankful that you are not one of them.

Does your boss know they threw a beer mat at you? From now on I wouldn't make any effort to be friendly with them. Be professional at all times and serve them when they need drinks but I wouldn't get into any smalltalk with any of them. THey are complete losers who will probably never change, and if any of them had to go anywhere on their own, outside your small town they wouldn't last a second

[Jackass] · 01-02-2009 9:23pm

jesus....throwing a beer mat at someone you used to bully in school....what fu*king a$$holes....have they just not grown up??

It's not about you being weak OP, you could have turned around and said "who the fu*k threw that?" but best case scenario you would have just been laughed at, worst case scenario you could have got in a fight...do you really have to put up with that sh*t and feel the way you do? It's nothing to do with you, it's not your fault these guys are immature and complete d!cks.

If I was you I'd talk to the boss and say what's going on and if sh*t happens again they should be barred for giving sh*t to staff just like in any other bar in the city, if it happens again / you're not taken seriously, I'd wait until the next time they're in and let them know how pathetic I think they are, walk out, and contact a solicitor to get in touch with my ex-employer.

speaktofrank · 01-02-2009 10:10pm

I worked in a bar in Temple Bar and if anyone threw a beer mat at me, well let's just say the nice security guys would be called and he would never darken the door again. I know it's easy to say but you need to stand up for yourself. A few bruises might take a week or two to heal but better than a lifetime of mental anguish.

sunnyjim · 01-02-2009 10:12pm

Completely unhelpful post. Have you been in a similar situation sunnyjim? If I ran into people who had bullied me I would definitely mention it to whoever I was with. He wasn't telling tales as such just stating a fact!

He wasn't bullied, he got 1 punch.

dolliemix · 01-02-2009 10:21pm

sunnyjim wrote: »

He wasn't bullied, he got 1 punch.

1. Title of the thread is 'bully boys'

2. Punching somebody for no apparent reason to amuse your friends does constitute as an isolated bullying incident

3. Ten years later same guy (or person in his company) threw a beer mat at OP behind his back as others watched

Sunnyjim...:rolleyes:Not sure if it's you or me who is misreading this situation!

Bully boys

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