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How to socialise...

  • 30-01-2009 3:49pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    This'll probably end up being a TL;DR, but whatever...

    So, I have some problems with socialising.

    The way I grew up was a little unorthodox. Basically, the only socialisation I got due to having a single mother who was constantly working, no siblings, and moving house/schools every few months (another issue entirely, but leaving it impossible for me to make long-term friends) was with my dogs.

    I honestly don't know how to talk to people. I love animals and I turn into my true self around them, but with people I just clam up. Never know what to say, how to act, etc. I'm a very, very tough person to get to know, but at the core of it all I'm genuine, honest, and I have a big heart. I'm grand once you know me to talk to and can talk for hours, easily, but it's the getting to know me that takes awhile.

    How do I force myself to be sociable? It's not like I'm cold or anything when meeting new people, but I wouldn't go up and introduce myself to someone or make the "first move," and I tend to have very few words. It's not really shyness; I'm not scared of people at all or anything. I just don't know what to say if I don't know anything about the person already. What to talk about. I've no idea how to make small talk, and thusly I can't really make good friends or get into a relationship because I can't get past the initial "howaya" thing.

    It's especially hard right now because I'm in a new place with nobody to lean on, going through a LOT of stressful things that can really get to me, I'm at my most vulnerable right now and I just want someone to be that shoulder to cry on but I don't know anyone well enough to ask that of them. I just want to have that person I can share things with and not have to worry about them gossiping (something else that's new to me) or thinking badly of me. And I want them to be genuinely there for me, out of friendship, rather than having to go see some counselor or whatever.

    Ah, I don't know, I guess I'm just lost and could use some advice as to how the hell to actually just... talk to people. I'm an open person, answer any question given to me freely, if someone asks me things I can make conversation just fine, but when it's my turn I can't think of anything.

    What do I do?

    Sorry for the rant.


Comments

  • #2
    cantdecide
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 11,465 ✭✭✭✭cantdecide


    I think it's mainly a loneliness meets comfort zone problem.

    You have enough self awareness to recognise that you have these traits which is a good thing. I think you really need to join clubs, pilates, sports etc etc Speed dating would probably be a good one or salsa dance or the like. You must be proactive.

    Put yourself out there but don't get too heavy on any new friends- if you have a lot to get off your chest, that's okay but don't expect someone you've recently met to be your counselor.


  • #3
    karen3212
    Closed Accounts Posts: 668 ✭✭✭karen3212


    sadface. wrote: »
    I love animals.
    Are there places you can socialise where the conversation will be about animals? Or someplace where you could volunteer and meet new friends who similarly love animals, I'm thinking dogs homes etc.
    sadface. wrote: »
    I just don't know what to say if I don't know anything about the person already. What to talk about.
    Where are you mostly meeting new people, work, pubs? If you are meeting people in places like this then the small talk is very general: where they live, where they come from, the state of the country, the economy etc etc If u are meeting new people at clubs then you could waffle away about whatever the subject is, as the people there are likely interested in it. Don't worry too much about it, some people love to talk.
    sadface. wrote: »
    I just want someone to be that shoulder to cry on but I don't know anyone well enough to ask that of them.
    Perhaps use your established friends as shoulders for now, or your mother. But, your new friends might be glad to hear your problems as it will distract them from their own.
    sadface. wrote: »
    gossiping (something else that's new to me) or thinking badly of me.
    Part and parcel of life - helps keep conversation going and share problems, spread the news. They still love you even if they gossip, but they will not tell anything you specifically ask them to keep secret.
    sadface. wrote: »
    Ah, I don't know, I guess I'm just lost and could use some advice as to how the hell to actually just... talk to people. I'm an open person, answer any question given to me freely, if someone asks me things I can make conversation just fine, but when it's my turn I can't think of anything.

    What do I do?

    Sorry for the rant.
    Force yourself.


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