Married, in love with friend, but cheating?

LegacyUser

I am happily married with 2 small children. I love my husband very much, but I don’t know if I am in love with him. we have a good if not average sex life, nothing overly mind blowing. We are both in our early 30’s and even with the recession, live quite comfortable lives. I made friends with my son’s class mates mum about 2 years ago, she is a single parent. Over the last 2 years I have fallen in love with her and she with me. This is something we talk about all the time. We discuss it at length and acknowledge it. Emotionally we are incredibly intimate yet we have never kissed. I have no intention of leaving my husband or of having an affair. She had a bad time with her ex-husband and though I’ve known her to date men she says she’s finished with that side of her life. She had a gay relationship in her early twenties and then met her husband.

She is in love with me and I am in love with her, I crave being with her, just seeing her makes my heart flutter and I miss her when I don’t see her. We go out socially together and I love that to everyone we just seem like friends. But I’ll sit there with her leg brushing against mine and it does give me butterflies. I will never do anything about it. she has told me that she will never ever attempt to cross that line, that if it happens it will have to be me who does it. The question is am I cheating ? I’ve read threads here debating the cheating aspect of things, but can you have an affair if only in a platonic or mental way. I admit I do think of her when I am having sex with my husband but I consider this just like anyone else fantisizes about a celebrity or such. We have spent one night together on a weekend away with a gang of girls (hen) we shared a bed, but stayed in pjs and just held each other, it was the most fantastic night I’ve had since ever.

Maybe it’s just the illicitness of it that I love, maybe if I did cross that line it would break the spell that she seems to have over me. I don’t see any of what I feel as cheating, my husband is aware that we are close, we never meet behind his back, she is in my house and I am in hers with his knowledge, we do things with the kids. TBH we physically haven’t done anything that most of you (girls) haven’t done with a close female friend at one point . We of course have conversations and share secrets that he is unaware of but I would class that as usual with all relationships. I am happy in my home life, but I am significantly happier while she’s in it. In fact I am probably a better wife as a result. I’m just wondering am I technically doing anything wrong, am I being unfaithful? Will I cheat on my husband , no absolutely not, I do love him and respect him. She has a good relationship with him too, she doesn’t tell me to leave him or bad mouth in anyway. I don’t know what I want really or why I’m asking you?

Wagon

Your doing a bit of emotional cheating. So, using that logic yes you are cheating on your husband and you should probably stop. But then you only love him but in love with him which is a cop out. You either love him or you don't. Stop being friends with this woman if it's bothering you this much. I don't care if this situation is different in that it has lesbian tendences, i'd be telling you the exact same thing if it was a bloke you were doing the emotional cheating with.

finbarrk

I can't see too much wrong with it. You just can't stop seeing her just like that. It's not doing any harm to your marriage and you are not cheating as such. We all need a little spice in our lives now and again!

MagicMarker

If she was a man would you still be asking if it's cheating?

You know the answer, otherwise you wouldn't be asking.

Bottle_of_Smoke

If you were doing this with a guy I'd be telling you to get rid of him and work on your marriage. Her being a woman doesn't make it any different.

Think about how this would affect your son & your husband. You shouldn't have let it get to this stage. Yes, you are cheating.

hot2def

I don't believe in this "emotional cheating" lark.


I know exactly how this feels, and it has occured more than once in my life. Don't act on it, but enjoy your time with her. Eventually, it'll sort of fade into something less dramatic.

ClutchIt

You can't really help feeling the way you do about her, so I actually think you are quite strong for not doing anything physical or thinking about leaving your husband. So i disagree with wagon.

However, do you think you're gay? or bi? You never mentioned.... surely you'd know by now? If she is the only woman you've ever been mad about then I'd say there's something funny and it wouldn't bode well if you were to begin a relationship with her...

Could be that it seems really illicet (sp?) and erotic that's causing all your feeling maybe,

You go girl!

Gone Drinking

How would you feel if your husband was having this sort of relationship with a friend of his?

Dizzyblonde

You don't have to have sex in order to cheat. It's naive to think that this won't have an effect on your relationship with your husband. In fact, meaningless sex would have a lesser effect on your marriage.
You're walking a fine line at the moment, and you could find yourself ruining your marriage and then realising that this woman isn't exactly what you want either.

Reflector

this woman is obviously filling gaps in your relationship with your husband. This is ok as you can have close friends as well as a partner but the sexual side is cheating no matter what the gender of the individual. Also the excitement of it and the fact that it is secretive is probably making it more of a turn on. If you were to start a sexual relationship with this woman would the bubble burst?? I'm not saying dont go there but be sure you can deal with the emotional consequenses if you do.

cantdecide

I think you're a bit long in the tooth and straddled with responsibility for this manner of fantasy (if you're just flirting with the idea, you are really just indulging yourself at the risk of your family) and therefore I will assume that you probably are gay/ bi. I don't think this is an unreasonable assumption based on what you've said.

Obviously, it's unlikely you will ever be able to act on your realisation without ending or at least seriously damaging your marriage/ family life. But is it cheating? I would say probably but I would add that cheating isn't a suitable enough word.

In my case, I know I could never be with a bisexual woman because I would always feel that fundamentally, I couldn't be everything she needs and the possibility of being unfaithful would probably very high. I couldn't also insist that she block out such an important side of her life. In a nutshell, for me it's the ultimate dealbreaker.

The real question is whether you really are gay/ bi. You should do nothing until you can be sure that you are or aren't. Maybe you should talk to a neutral person to explore this...

*Lees*

If you had come on here and said your friend was male the thread would fill up fast with "you cheating *****" !!! It shouldn't be any different that your friend is female, it's still wrong!
The thing that stands out most for me is you say she has a good relationship with him? So she's all nice to your husband but behind his back she wants his wife?? It seems neither of you have any respect for your husband!!

cantdecide

...and I don't feel it's reasonable to believe you can hide behind it's all above board as long we don't sleep together.

jim o doom

MagicMarker wrote: »

If she was a man would you still be asking if it's cheating?

You know the answer, otherwise you wouldn't be asking.

Bang on as always.. I'm in complete agreement with MagicMarker on this one. Why would you come onto PI and start a thread if it was all hunky dory?


Also you say your husand knows you are close & you never meet behind his back.. Does he know exactly how close you are, as opposed to just "close friends" How do you think he would feel if he read this thread and knew it was you who posted it?


And I don't buy the "love but not in love" thing myself, it just seems like a cop out for people getting tired with their situation.+

Latchy

MagicMarker wrote: »

If she was a man would you still be asking if it's cheating?

You know the answer, otherwise you wouldn't be asking.

Have to agree .It's good that you are getting some emotional expierence from the friendship with this other womon OP .But it's like a fantasy we all have, except your taken it to the next level .That it seems is were you will be going with suggestions that if anything physical happens it will be
' initiated ' by me .That's having an affair and cheating imo .

LegacyUser

Op here,

I’ve never really considered the gay thing. I don’t look at any other women in that way, if I were to look at a perfect man body it would be more desirable to me than a perfect woman body. When I met her first it never occurred to me to fancy her, we became friends and all was going as normal as ever. i make friends readily and didn't differentiate between good friends or acquaintences . it started as the usual schoolgate thing then kids partys and school things. i'd pick her kids up and she'd leave mine home etc. i knew i liked her in contrast with some of the mums i met in the same way. but i never for an instant thought it as anything other than friends. it was months later and we were out for a drink one night, (my hus and his brother as well) we left one pub to go to another and they walked on ahead. It was freezing and we linked arms (as I would do with all my gfriends) then almost naturally we were holding hands, and I know it sounds crazy but that small gesture was scarily erotic to me. I’ve held hands with my gfriends millions of times and I never felt a thing. Then when we got to the pub, it was busy and as we walked through the crowd she held onto my finger and I came to realise there was something different in what I felt for her. It was just so different to what I was used to, my husband is a mans man. He’s a me tarzan you jane type of bloke, certainly not mr sensitive or tender, and I like that about him. He’s not overly tactile in public, but I would be quite demonstrative with people so me being tactile with her would not be seen as odd.

I am seeing her tonight, and I’m thrilled at the thought of it. It’s nearly the anticipation of it that excites me. I imagine scenarios that could happen and play them out in my head, yet I wonder if they did happen would I run a mile. Is this normal? It is beginning to consume my every thought, I daydream about it.

I don’t agree that we have no respect for my husband. She is close to him, as I said she has never attempted to make a move on me or ask me to leave her. We have acknowledged that we want each other but can’t act on it due to the fact I am married. I know that sounds crazy as I read it back but it is what it is. I don’t believe she is gay either. I believe if she met someone it would more than likely be a man and I have to say the idea of her being with someone in front of me would selfishly drive me nuts. I am just f****d up with it.

I suppose I see it differently because she is a woman, a friend. If it were a man I had met it would I guess seem more sordid and seedy. As I think about it now, I think I’m nearly more turned on by the fact that she doesn’t try to sleep with me. We can talk about it intimately, compare notes on past experiences, as all girlf do. talk about what we like and don’t like , we can do all this and cuddle up on the sofa and hold each other and theres no pressure for it to go any further. It’s just so nice . I’m not a bad person, my life is full and varied outside of this. But if you put it in black and white and asked me if I were single right now and this happened what would i do. I would sleep with her in a heartbeat. But life doesn’t work like that !

Monkey61

I think the fact that you both have the safety net of knowing that nothing will ever happen, makes it easy to get caught up in the beautiful and forbidden romance of it all. You can declare feelings and look longingly at eachother and never have to worry about anything changing.

This is what crushes are like. They are intense and of course the fact that both of you are emotionally playing out a forbidden love story is only going to make it stronger. I can guess that if anything was ever going to happen, it would have by now. I also have a feeling that if reality ever intruded and you were both allowed to act further on your feelings, it would probably ruin the fantasy completely.

Yes it is cheating in a way, but you are both cheating yourselves more than anything else. Crushes are of course fun, but realistically this one can only end in heartbreak. You have children and a husband who to all intents and purposes you are happy with. Without this woman in your life, either your marriage would have a better chance at strengthening it's bonds, or perhaps it would collapse because you realise that your an unfulfilled.

As for this other woman, she is single. Is it fair on her for you to keep her hanging on like this in the hope that you will one day run away with her? What if she is closing herself off to meeting somebody who actually wants to be with her just because she is too wrapped up in you?

MagicMarker

Unregistered wrote: »

Op here,

I’ve never really considered the gay thing. I don’t look at any other women in that way, if I were to look at a perfect man body it would be more desirable to me than a perfect woman body. When I met her first it never occurred to me to fancy her, we became friends and all was going as normal as ever. i make friends readily and didn't differentiate between good friends or acquaintences . it started as the usual schoolgate thing then kids partys and school things. i'd pick her kids up and she'd leave mine home etc. i knew i liked her in contrast with some of the mums i met in the same way. but i never for an instant thought it as anything other than friends. it was months later and we were out for a drink one night, (my hus and his brother as well) we left one pub to go to another and they walked on ahead. It was freezing and we linked arms (as I would do with all my gfriends) then almost naturally we were holding hands, and I know it sounds crazy but that small gesture was scarily erotic to me. I’ve held hands with my gfriends millions of times and I never felt a thing. Then when we got to the pub, it was busy and as we walked through the crowd she held onto my finger and I came to realise there was something different in what I felt for her. It was just so different to what I was used to, my husband is a mans man. He’s a me tarzan you jane type of bloke, certainly not mr sensitive or tender, and I like that about him. He’s not overly tactile in public, but I would be quite demonstrative with people so me being tactile with her would not be seen as odd.

I am seeing her tonight, and I’m thrilled at the thought of it. It’s nearly the anticipation of it that excites me. I imagine scenarios that could happen and play them out in my head, yet I wonder if they did happen would I run a mile. Is this normal? It is beginning to consume my every thought, I daydream about it.

I don’t agree that we have no respect for my husband. She is close to him, as I said she has never attempted to make a move on me or ask me to leave her. We have acknowledged that we want each other but can’t act on it due to the fact I am married. I know that sounds crazy as I read it back but it is what it is. I don’t believe she is gay either. I believe if she met someone it would more than likely be a man and I have to say the idea of her being with someone in front of me would selfishly drive me nuts. I am just f****d up with it.

I suppose I see it differently because she is a woman, a friend. If it were a man I had met it would I guess seem more sordid and seedy. As I think about it now, I think I’m nearly more turned on by the fact that she doesn’t try to sleep with me. We can talk about it intimately, compare notes on past experiences, as all girlf do. talk about what we like and don’t like , we can do all this and cuddle up on the sofa and hold each other and theres no pressure for it to go any further. It’s just so nice . I’m not a bad person, my life is full and varied outside of this. But if you put it in black and white and asked me if I were single right now and this happened what would i do. I would sleep with her in a heartbeat. But life doesn’t work like that !

What a load of arse tbh.

I'm sorry OP, but who are you trying to fool? How would you feel if your husband had written these words?

You're being unfaithful because you're not disclosing the full extent of your relationship to your husband. How can you possibly respect your husband if you think like this for another person?

Pull your head out of the sand.

LegacyUser

I agree with the above, your post is truly funny, you sound incredibly naieve, you need to grow up you are a married woman, marriage is for life, tell that other woman to get a grip and leave you alone and leave you with your family.

nomorebadtown

The facts:

you have expressed your love for this woman and she for you.

your heart flutters when she brushes past your leg.

you have far more passionate and romantic love for her than for your husband.

you think of her when you and your husband have sex.

the most fantastic night of your life was in her arms.

ok.

If you are serious about wanting your marriage to survive, you need to cut contact. You have already shared many intimate moments and a night with her, you didnt kiss or have sex, but you may as well have done. I would say however, we only get one shot at this life and if this is the real deal, it might be worth persuing.

LegacyUser

Happily married my arse

Slutmonkey57b

The side of me that enjoys lesbian sex says go for it. The side of me that thinks a little bit says maybe you know what's right and wrong here but you don't know how to go about it.
I would say mention it to your husband but who knows he may be all for it, provided he gets to join in.

As the other posters have said, you already know what the issues are, you just don't have the guts to pull the trigger either way. You're going to have to help yourself here.

LegacyUser

you are being unfaithful in your head.

useful_contacts

Unregistered wrote: »

we shared a bed, but stayed in pjs and just held each other, it was the most fantastic night I’ve had since ever.

Honey as a BI woman myself the fact you just held each other (to me) would sigificy its an emotional attachment not a phyiscial attachment

Unregistered wrote: »

TBH we physically haven’t done anything that most of you (girls) haven’t done with a close female friend at one point . We of course have conversations and share secrets that he is unaware of but I would class that as usual with all relationships.

Honey ive kissed and done "other stuff" with friends... and what you feel shows where your going...

i am Bi but i would rather have him than any other girl / guy in the world... and in the end that did it for me.

TBH I still watch lesbian porn and stuff but that does it for me sexually, cos my man is enough for me too... honey you have to decide weather or not its just a phase, or you actually want a girl.

You may love her - (iv never loved a woman) and if u do go for it... if its worth sacrificing your marriage then go for it) but if not thats your decision

Either way i wish you well hun

estar

you should let this relationship fade and put the breaks on it. as you strike me as needing the security of the relationship you are in. you made a commitment to something permanent, and established a home. love is an action. it is a daily action of giving love to the person you commit to. it isnt a flutter in the stomach, it isnt flirting. it is a continuous series of loving gestures and acts where you put the one you love before yourself. this is what you commit to in marriage.

it isnt an arrangement to bring up the kids, or keep the house. it is a living breathing thing that you must nourish and work at. now somewhere along the way you stopped getting your emotional needs met within your marraige, and you started to get them met outside your marraige. your marraige started with emotions and intimacy. that is where your relationship with your husband started from i presume. and you have the blindness to ask if becoming so close to another PERSON that you think of them in bed when you are with your husband is cheating.

this isnt love it is an obsession. you are infatuated with this woman. you have never tested this relationship in reality, it has never been exposed to real relationship conditions, it is furtive and secretive, whereas real love is open, honest and exposed.

this relationship has started in deceit. and in my experience, most relationships started in deceit wither away when exposed to the rigours of daily life. this relationship with this woman will not seem half so exciting when you are sharing custody of your kids with your husband, fighting him for more maintenance, sharing all this with your normal workload, and selling the family home.

then it will become mundane, full of the normal annoyances of a long term relationship.

you are bored, and your imagination has been captured by a fantasy involving this woman.

a fantasy.

no one can tell you how to act really. you must decide for yourself. but if i were advising a friend i would first of all give you a slap in the face to wake you up from your dream, and tell you to grow up, work at your marraige and get a hobby that uses that imagination. or else grow a pair and take a risk and see where your fantasy takes you.

but your long standing partner deserves better than this. he deserve your full attention. so either re-commit or disengage him to find someone that is ready to commit to him.

as you absolutely cannot have both. you are acting incredibly immaturely though. sorry to be tough.

estar

and by the way this woman is not your friend. it is not realistic to call her your friend. she was your friend. now she is stuck between you and your husband.

what strikes me in your posts is your incredible focus on what you feel, and what you think, and what you want.

you dont appear to consider the effects the break up of your marriage would have on your children, or how your husband might feel about your feelings.
you dont appear to wonder if your exfriend might be in limbo unable to meet others because you have engaged her attention.

its good to be self aware. but its also equally good to think of others when you act.

i think its time you started thinking about your effect on others in a deep and serious way.

Mrs. 6th

I think its a crush pure and simple. I don't think your in love with this woman as you realise that you have a husband you love.

I feel sorry for you as you can't choose your crushes and as someone said they can be fun, but they can also cause a lot of heart ache.

I think that it would be better for you and your husband if you avoided situations where you end up being too intimate with this woman.

You are tempted by a relationship with her.. this is not cheating, your fantasies are not cheating, your crush is not cheating.

But putting yourself in situations where something might happen between you is only asking for trouble. Spending the night in her arms was probably the wrong thing to do.

You need to have a good think about what your doing and what the consequences may be.

I wish you luck.

LegacyUser

Hi,

I'm sorry - but I really feel for you. I married almost 8 years, have 2 children and I met an old boyfriend recently by accident. I forgot home much I loved him and my stomach flutters, I get aroused evening thinking about him and in an instant would sleep with him if I could. I have been thinking of him solidly for the last 2 weeks - and am deciding what to do from here about my future.

My husband has become emotionally disengaged from our marriage as he is suffering from depression and a few other issues, and is in counselling, and it's easier to go through the motions of married live than get a divorce, sell the house and live separately, as we couldn't afford it anyway.

Good luck in what you decide and let us know how you get on.