No quality time with boyfriend

LegacyUser

Basically myself and my boyfriend have been having the same argument on a weekly basis for the past few months and I'd like people's opinions to see if maybe I'm being unreasonable (or if he is).

A few months ago my boyfriend got a new job where the hours are less than ideal. He works from 3-9 on weekdays but this usually ends up being 3 til at least 10 or 11. Friday, Saturday and Sunday he starts at 12 and finishes usually around 9.

We both live with our parents and while I appreciate that he does come to stay with me a lot, 3-4 times a week (staying at his house really isn't an option), our time together is generally limited to sleeping.

He has one day off a week (he chooses this) and he chooses to have it on the day that his hobby takes place. I don't want him to give up this hobby as he loves it a lot but it seems unfair to me that we never get to do anything together but he makes time for his hobby. We haven't even been as far as the cinema since he started this job.

I don't expect him to drop everything for me, he plays poker with his friends during the week and he also takes Sunday evenings after work for his hobby. Usually we will socialise with his friends at the weekends.

So when he comes over during the week it's too late to do anything, plus he's really tired so we might watch an hour or two of tv and then go to bed, then he sleeps til he has to get up and leave for work. On his day off he'll generally sleep til about 3pm, I don't begrudge him this, he's entitled on his only day off, but then he'll leave at 6pm for his hobby.

Am I being unreasonable by asking him not to engage in his hobby on his day off (or even if he only did it every second week)? Or is he being unreasonable by not taking advantage of our only opportunity to get out of the house together? I'd appreciate everyone's opinions.

We're together five years and in our mid-twenties, in case that is relevant.

Thanks:)

MagicMarker

Yes, you are being really incredibly unreasonable.

He has one day a week for his hobby.
He plays poker with his friends.
You socialise with him at weekends with his friends AND he makes the effort to spend the night with you up to 4 times a week.

I think he's making an effort, it's not unreasonable for him to want to do his hobby once a week. Why should he give that up just to go cinema with you when he already sees you 4 nights a week?

Lollipops23

hmm i don't blame him for taking any hours he can get at the moment but he needs to realise that he's not going to see you if he carries on this way. fair enough,we're all entitled to a hobby but he has to decide what it is he wants. It's not fair to expect you to bend over backwards to accommadate him and his schedule.

Otis Driftwood

I think it would be very unfair to ask him to give up his hobby.I take it you are working during the week before he starts at 3?Look at it this way,he is lucky he has a job,ye socialise together at weekends and ye are together 5 years which points out that he has been a loving and caring boyfriend for those 5 years.Maybe put it to him to arrange his day off say once a month so that ye can spend the day together.After that Im all out of ideas Im afraid.

MugMugs

Five years is make and break and if this is your worst problem then everything seems ok to me.

I have friends that dont see their boyfriends for months on end due to work.... Make use of the time you have together..

kevmy

If you don't mind me asking whats his hobby?

Does it take all day? I mean presuming that your working during the day if he could do it during the day and have the evening with you that would be ideal.

But if it's only on in the evening then he really is trying his best

Koushki

It's understandable that you would like to see more of him, and you probably feel a little like you're second best to his hobby, yes, you are in a tricky situation where you dont get much time to actually just spend time with him but you can't ask him to stop his hobby, to spend more time with you, as you do see him 3-4 times a week already.

But if it bothers you that much, depending on what this hobby is, maybe ask can you join in?

Lexie_Karas

I don't think you're being unreasonable but I don't think he is either particularly. It's about juggling things and being aware of how the other is feeling etc...

It is tough when work ends up taking up so much of what was previously free time, is this something that's going to be the norm for the long term? If its short term, I wouldn't worry too much about it... it may be tough at the moment for both of you but it'll pass. If its long term then things might be tougher.

There may be ways that you can compromise with him so that you can still get a little quality time together. I can appreciate other posters saying that he needs his hobby etc but quality time is really important to a long term r/ship. Granted it doesn't mean that the hobby should be given up, clearly with the amount of working hours he has he only has limited time now for anything and quality time with his OH isn't the only thing he needs to get out of his free time.

Have you talked about this at all with him? What does he think about it all? If you haven't brought it up yet for fear of an argument maybe its something you should think about doing. You seem to be trying to see things from his point of view so if you keep this in mind while discussing it there's no reason it should become an argument.

As much as its great that you get to spent every other night together and hang out with mates together at the weekend but it still doesn't fulfill everything that you need from each other... part of a r/ship is having fun together and quality alone time. Do you think he'd be up for trying to fit in a 'date night' every couple of weeks? He could decide each fortnight whether it ate into his poker time, his hobby time, his lie in time or his socialising with mates time. Realistically that's not that big an ask after being together 5 years, and it might make all the differance to maintaining a genuine bond between you two.

Hope things work out for you, I know how tough it is when time is limited... my bf used to work crazy hours and was on call on top of that... we had to both make sacrifices and are glad that we did.

fuzzywiggle

No you're not being unreasonable at all. It really is annoying to not get to spend proper time with your boyrfiend because of work. Ultimately that's why me and an ex broke up. Have you told him how you feel? Being together an hour before you fall asleep is no fun and you'll get into a horrible rut so i'd try nip it in the bud as soon as you can

biko

Is he going to work in this position forever or is it a temporary thing?
Can you both get away for a short break occasionally?
Are there plans on moving in together at some point?

LegacyUser

Sorry if I didn't make it clear, he also usually does the hobby on a Sunday. It's a pretty specialised hobby so that's why I haven't said what it is, but he can't do it during the day time, only in the evening.

Technically I could join in but I don't have much interest. Besides not having interest, I think it's healthy for him to have something that he only does by himself and I think he agrees.

I'm not complaining about how often we see each other but what we do when we're together. Also, if i ever persuade him to stay home when it's on he just sulks and argues with me the whole time, but I'm expected to just wait at home for him and not be upset that he left even when I don't want him to.

I've tried over and over to try and explain how I feel but it always ends up with one of us starting a fight, we just can't agree. I hate feeling second best to his hobby but I wouldn't ask him to give it up completely.

LolaLuv

I don't think either of you is being unreasonable, which makes this quite the predicament. Could he maybe skip the hobby every third week to spend some quality time with you? That seems like a reasonable compromise.

Chinafoot

You're in your mid-twenties and together 5 years...can I ask if there are any plans to move in together? If not, perhaps its time to start considering it.

I'd have to say I think you're being a little unfair. He stays with you 3-4 times a week, thats a lot in my opinion. I know you say you end up just sleeping but at least you're together.

Considering the employment market at the moment, he probably isn't in a position to ask for less hours. On the hobby issue, I think it would be unfair and also unhealthy for your relationship for you to expect him to drop this. Like you said, he needs to have something separate from you. Why don't you organise something for yourself on Sunday evenings so you're not sitting at home while he's out?

As another poster asked, are his working hours permanent or will there be the possibility of working less down the line? Are you saving to buy a house? If you are, you should probably accept that you need to make some sacrifices for now but it'll be worth it in the end.

LegacyUser

I'm in a long distance relationship and would give anything to see my partner four nights a week.

Lexie_Karas

There seems to be a lot of focusing on the 3/4 nights a week, but if it isn't spent doing anything remotely qualityish (I know that not a word, but you know what I mean!) then it isn't really going to be enough.

Maybe one of those nights every couple of weeks could cope with being a later night... go catch a movie, or cook a romantic meal... anything to focus on couple time.