Fighting with "dad"

LegacyUser

Going unreg for this one.

I have a bad relationship with my dad, I always have. Recently it has gotten unbearable. When he needs me to do a favour for him, like fixing his PC, picking up something from the shop (I live in the city, he lives in the country), painting one of his houses.

He has a house in Dublin that I was supposed to rent, but every time I asked him about the house he would go nuts, I mean flip out. So I got my own place, he asked how much it was, when I told him he started giving out again. I bought a roofrack for my car and he gave out about that. It seems that whenever I spend money he gives out to me. I don't know why. He's wealthy, has 3 houses in very nice areas. He works in the public sector and makes a fortune at that too. I never ask for money just to let you know.

He wants me to paint a house next week, he sent down paint, but there's hardly enough for two rooms. I said this to him "There's not a lot of paint for that house" he lost it again, started shouting and giving out "I can't fking piss paint, can I" he said. So I told him I had enough, no matter what it is, if I ask for advice from him, about anything, he always gets anxious and stressed out. Tonight was the last straw. I am walking on eggshells whenever I talk to him, afraid he'll just flip. Main problem with this is I take it out on my youngest brother and my girlfriend.

I have a half sister that he fell out with a while back, don't know why. I know nothing about his business, he never tells me anything. I know where he works, but not his title. People ask what my dad does and I tell them I don't know.

Anyway, tonight I told him not to contact me anymore, to get someone else in to paint the house (It will cost him up to €1000 for a professional to do it). I told him that I am sick of him talking to me like a dog, that he is one son less. I'm 26, and have been dealing with him for all my life, when I was younger I couldn't do anything about it, but I can now, and I am doing something about it.

When we have these fights, they are over nothing, he gets worked up and acts irrationaly. If I was to say this to him he would go even more nuts. Thing is, when this happens I get severely depressed. I can't think straight, I get angry and fustrated. I feel like just dying. It has happened so many times that I just work through it. I don't think I would ever commit suicide but I do think about it. I know after a few days the feeling goes and I do be fine, but it happens again after a few weeks. It's a big loop that never ends. Talking to this "man" is not an option. Yet I am very close to my mother, can tell her everything, she gets caught up in the middle every time. He's a bully and I hate every bit of him right now.

I guess I just needed to get that off my chest, Thanks for reading. Anyone been in the same situation? What did you do?

TheZohanS

Your old man sounds like a proper bully.

There are people out there that are unhappy in their own lives and get pleasure from seeing others as miserable as themselves. These people are like vampires in your life and you're better off avoiding them.

Ignore him for a while and let him do his own painting. He's still treating you like a child, the break will show him that you don't actually need him and will show him that he has no power over you.

I would be surprised if he doesn't make an effort after a month or so.

Best of luck OP.

CDfm

Thats Dads for you -my fathers the same and Im older then you.

Just calm down and make excuses about being busy when he asks you to do stuff. It was great not to be renting the house from him as you would be easy prey and have been conned into repairs rent collections and stuff like that.

Have lunch with him in the work canteen every so often.

I have kids and when my Dads getting ready for a "chat" and he is predicable I tell them to stick to me like glue. Ive even gone to mass to avoid deep discussions. Nothing is too good for this situation:cool:

Faith

My dad's pretty similar. He gets irrationally angry for no reason and shouts at me. The most recent time was when I was home for Christmas. I volunteered to help him out with something, but couldn't get my mum's car at the last minute, so had to alter plans slightly. When I told him, he freaked out and shouted at me for ages. It was so unfair and unjust because I was doing my best to help him under the circumstances, but he seemed to create a whole different version of events. He stopped short of telling me that he hated me, and indicated that I'd ruined his life from the minute I was born. I was a massive disappointment, my brother was far superior, etc etc etc.

Rationally, I think my dad is severely depressed. I think he's supremely stressed about having to retire soon. I strongly suspect he has a mild, undiagnosed form of high-functioning autism. He refuses to talk to anyone or get any counselling. But while I know all of this, it doesn't make dealing with his outbursts any easier. At this stage, I just distance myself from him. Sad as it is, he's destroyed our relationship irrepairably. I really can't offer you any advice, because I don't know what to do myself. The reason I'm replying is simply to reassure you that you're not the only person with a parent like that.

Bottle_of_Smoke

WEll done for standing up to him. I have a brother who can be a stubborn prick so I know how upsetting it can be for an immediate family member to be that way.

I don't think you'll ever fix him. Just watch out for yourself becoming like him. From the way you wrote I'd see that as virtually impossible but you can never be too careful.

MagicMarker

feelingdown wrote: »

He wants me to paint a house next week, he sent down paint, but there's hardly enough for two rooms. I said this to him "There's not a lot of paint for that house" he lost it again, started shouting and giving out "I can't fking piss paint, can I" he said. So I told him I had enough, no matter what it is, if I ask for advice from him, about anything, he always gets anxious and stressed out. Tonight was the last straw. I am walking on eggshells whenever I talk to him, afraid he'll just flip. Main problem with this is I take it out on my youngest brother and my girlfriend.

So, to counter how your dad treating you like shít you treat your brother and girlfriend like shít? Like father like son?

So, you treat your loved ones like shít because your dad treats you like shít, have you ever asked your dad why he treats you like shít?

CDfm

MagicMarker wrote: »

So, to counter how your dad treating you like shít you treat your brother and girlfriend like shít? Like father like son?

So, you treat your loved ones like shít because your dad treats you like shít, have you ever asked your dad why he treats you like shít?

Magic you are right as always.

That is a kind of compensation thing and what you have to do is stop repeating the behaviour - I ignore stuff with family and it goes away. In other words there are more important things in my life.But I wouldnt take it out on others - usually by not cooperating with the person causing the problem forces them to act normally towards you.

My Mum phoned me this evening saying my sister may be visiting me Friday. Do I run around - no. I was out for a meal and am settling down for a nice night in.:eek:

LegacyUser

I had similar problem with my Dad. Maybe it wasn't as bad as in your situation but my Dad was never happy with myself. I always did everything wrong, made wrong decisions and 'ignored' his advices.
Few years ago I left house(I'm not Irish) and moved here. Since then he had no way of affecting my life anymore. I'm independent. And gradually he changed. In first few months he complained if I didn't answer his txt's immediately or reply to his e-mails. Now I keep as much in touch as I feel necessary. He 'let go' and our relationship is much better.
You say you have your own life, job, own place. Maybe you should just cut contact with him for a while, so he can't control you and mess with your feelings. Hopefully seeing you can live your life without him will make him respect you more as if he goes back to previous behaviour he'd be risking loosing contact with you again.

MIN2511

My dad is the same, he's a BULLY... Yes i said it! And i feel better for saying that

I swear, your decision is what i would expect(i don't have the balls to do so yet). He can't expect you to run when he barks...

It would get better, try not to take it on your gf or brother. It's not their fault he's a bully and there is nothing they can do about it.
Out of curiousity when you vent on your brother and gf does it make you feel better? I feel better when i rant at my mum and then i feel guilty because i just acted like my dad!

LegacyUser

When I say I take it out on my little brother (Which is seldom as I don't see him that much) or my girlfriend, I never mentioned treating them like sh!t so I rather you didn't make assumptions MM, not "like father like son" either.

Does it make me feel better? No. It doesn't, my girlfriend knows what the deal is. She knows that if I fall out with my dad I get depressed and in a bad mood. It's the atmosphere afterwards. I don't shout at her or anything like that, I am just silent. Not in the mood for much. Not happy. Get me?

As I am closer to my mam, I will ring her and get it off my chest. She knows all too well what goes on. She tells me not to seek advice from him, not to talk to him and just ignore him when he's like that. It's impossible though. What annoys me is, if I have friends over or my girlfriend he is like a completely differant man. Really nice and all that.

I don't know what his problem is, but he is not the type of person you can approach and ask "what's wrong". He'll have a tantrum. Since this happened I haven't stopped thinking about it, I know I won't sleep either. I rather cut off all connections with him completely. I am too soft though. Will see how it is in a few weeks.

MIN2511

feelingdown wrote: »

When I say I take it out on my little brother (Which is seldom as I don't see him that much) or my girlfriend, I never mentioned treating them like sh!t so I rather you didn't make assumptions MM, not "like father like son" either.

Does it make me feel better? No. It doesn't, my girlfriend knows what the deal is. She knows that if I fall out with my dad I get depressed and in a bad mood. It's the atmosphere afterwards. I don't shout at her or anything like that, I am just silent. Not in the mood for much. Not happy. Get me?

As I am closer to my mam, I will ring her and get it off my chest. She knows all too well what goes on. She tells me not to seek advice from him, not to talk to him and just ignore him when he's like that. It's impossible though. What annoys me is, if I have friends over or my girlfriend he is like a completely differant man. Really nice and all that.

I don't know what his problem is, but he is not the type of person you can approach and ask "what's wrong". He'll have a tantrum. Since this happened I haven't stopped thinking about it, I know I won't sleep either. I rather cut off all connections with him completely. I am too soft though. Will see how it is in a few weeks.

My apologies....
So what do you mean by taking it out on your brother or gf?


Thats said, its impossible to cut connection with your dad. If you can, fair enough but i doubt you would. I dunno if talking to him would change situations but i reckon you have tried that route so many times...

Best bet is to avoid him like a plague, only get involved at family gatherings etc. No need to tell him about your personal life or what you do with your money. As long as he's not keeping you he has no right to what you do with your money

CathyMoran

My dad and I used to be really close but since my mum got ill he has changed - it came to a head when he said to me that my recent miscarriage is nothing so I am cutting contact totally. Having said that, in your case I would not give up on him...he is your dad after all.

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

Sounds like he needs you more than you need him. I think you may have gone a bit to far with the "you've one less son" line, but that said it sounds like you both need space.

Also sounds like you've fallen into a pattern of arguing. When was the last time you just sat down to discuss the weather/football/life in general?

Leave him for a while, then ask him if he fancies meeting up for a coffee. If he reacts badly, fine. But keep in contact. Even if it;s only a text once a month or so.

Beruthiel

Personally I would drastically cut my contact with a parent like that.
See him during the odd family meet up, but other than that, keep your distance.
You can choose your friends but not your family.
Just because the man happens to be your father, doesn't automatically mean he is going to be a kind and loving parent unfortunately.
Not all people are cut out to be good parents.
That is something you are going to have to come to terms with and accept as fact.
You will not change him and if he is having a negative effect on you then you must take the appropriate steps in order for that not to happen.

Dragan

There comes a time in your life when you need to look at the people around you and decide who it's healthy to have in your life. Who supports you, who loves you, who helps you and who do you want to do all those things for.

Your Dad sounds like he is none of the above, so it may just be time to move on and leave him behind. Sounds harsh, but blood ties keep a lot of people in situations that make them very, very unhappy and that's very, very unhealthy.

Drummerboy2

As a son and a father I can sympathise with you. I reckon your grandfather probably treated your father like this also, and hence now do the same to your younger brother. Its a cycle you have to break, its probably too late for your father. I speak from experience. Thinking back on how my grandfather treated my father and subsequently his attitude to me. However I did broach the subject with him and he has mellowed with age. As regard my own son, I too have found myself shouting at him when I could so easily have spoken quietly to him. When I do this now I immediataly apologise. If you can't talk to him, write the man a letter. Best of luck

LegacyUser

Please read: "Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life "
Its by an author called Susan Forward.

It will explain everything.

Do not feel bad, do not be "soft" any more.

Do like Beruthiel says.

The Corinthian

Dominant parents are often like that - it can be either - and what it comes down to is that they were the dominant person in the family and while that dynamic has remained constant with their spouse, their children grow up and end up challenging it, resulting in conflict.

I have a similar dynamic with my father and TBH, the only way to deal with it is by a combination of diplomacy and boundary setting (and sticking to those boundaries).

By diplomacy you can avoid direct conflicts easily enough by not making direct challenges, but by 'counselling' the parent. That gives them the option to decide for themselves or, more often than not, quietly decide according to your advice later. Starting such discussions with the words "with all due respect" can often do wonders.

As to boundaries, these can and should be clearly set. One example is where the parent visits your home, they must understand from the onset that it is your home. Your rules. You may pay them respect in certain nominal ways, but they have to understand that ultimately that's the deal. If they don't like that they don't need to visit - and some parents would rather do this than surrender control.

Another important boundary is accepting help from a parent. It's all well and good that your parent helps you to buy a house or with your rent, but that too becomes a form of control and in that example, it no longer your house, your rules - as they've paid. Knowing when to draw the line on help from your parents is an important part of growing up, and you'd be surprised how many domineering parents effectively infanticize their adult children because they want to retain the upper hand.

In short, you do need to set those boundaries to begin with and that may require some tough love. Nonetheless, diplomacy - nominal acts of respect - is the other side of this as it is all about saving face. Combine the two and eventually you may come to a workable compromise.

ladiee24

hey OP,

i feel some of what you're going through. i have a strange relationship with my mum. i moved out of her home a little over a year & a half ago & i've moved on with my own life. she will always be my mother & i do love her if anything were to god forbid happen to her i would be heartbroken she's my mum after all but i don't like how she lives her life, plays stupid games & generally makes me feel like **** a lot of the time. i'm fairly close in age to yourself i'm 24 & i wanted to try salvage a relationship with her.

i apprecaite you may not want any relationship with your father anymore & that's ok don't feel bad about it at all you do love your parents but where is it written that we have to like them & get on so well with them.

the biggest thing you can do is learn from the error of his ways & not your own - if children are on the horizon for you then you don't want to have a bad relationship with them. keep your distance would be my best advice. hope it gets better for you!!

tbh

feelingdown wrote: »

Anyway, tonight I told him not to contact me anymore, to get someone else in to paint the house (It will cost him up to €1000 for a professional to do it). I told him that I am sick of him talking to me like a dog, that he is one son less. I'm 26, and have been dealing with him for all my life, when I was younger I couldn't do anything about it, but I can now, and I am doing something about it.

Good for you man. Seriously. That took balls - well done.

youcrazyjesus!

Only thing you can do is take the high road. Be firm, polite but also don't accept bull****. You become the parent. Easier said than done but that's how you'd go about it imo.

Overheal

You don't need his money; You don't need his attitude; You don't need him.

You can treat others much better than that one seems able to treat other people - remember that the next time you see your brother, or your girlfriend.