Feel like my heart has been torn out

LegacyUser

Hi all, guess I should start at the beginning. I am a 21 year old college student and have recently come out of a relationship about 2 weeks ago. I should explain that I have always found it very difficult to become emotionally attatched, lack confidence and because of this have been in relatively few relationships. I was therefore pretty amazed and pleased with myself when I began seeing my then girlfriend, to whom I was immediately attracted and knew beforehand as a friend. Throughout the next month and a half, I tried to be the best boyfriend I could be - being there when she needed me, giving her space when she needed space, taking her out, staying up all night reassuring her when she was feeling upset - even she admits that I made no mistakes. It all seemed to be going well, during the christmas/new year period, I had to go out of the country for two weeks, and I recieved regular "I miss you" texts and phone calls. When I got back she was so glad to see me she burst out crying. Then, about a week after that, and for reasons I have never really understood, she broke up with me, saying that I was the perfect boyfriend on paper, but she found she just wasnt attracted to me anymore and saw me more as a good friend. I was gutted, not least because I was still head over heels about the girl, but also because I really gave the relationship my all and I felt like that effort was being thrown back at me. Since then we have remained good friends, meeting regularly and that. I should explain that we are members of many of the same clubs, share the same friends etc so cutting off contact was and is an impossibility even if I wanted to. One thing that did bother me was the fact that she seemed to get over it in no time at all, whereas I was crushed for about a week after.

I have since become a kind of confidant/security blanket for her anxieties. I still end up being a shoulder to cry on when she gets upset - and I thought I could deal with that as I thought I had gotten over it. We had plans to meet up earlier today but she later texted me saying she would have to postpone as she had company. Then at about 2AM she texted me saying (rather triumphantly) that she ended up having sex with her ex tonight, then asked if I was OK with her talking about "aving fun with another man". I was really trying to put on a brave face, act like a friend instead of an ex, and be happy for her getting back in the game, even if im not there yet myself so I said "I'm sure i'll get used to it eventually. Good for you I guess...". She went on about it for several more texts and I began to feel physically ill (something that has never happened on the basis of emotion to me before) and found myself having to say "I'm really sorry, and I really am trying to not be freaked out by this and be happy for you getting back in the game, but we only broke up two weeks ago and I'm just not there yet" to which she replied cryptically "Thats why I'm being carefull, I care about your feelings and I dont want to upset you".

I feel like i've been stabbed in the stomach. I know its completely illogical, as we are no longer together and she is entitled to her love life. On the other hand, she knew well I was taking the breakup much harder than she was, and certaintly didnt need to know the details of her sex life in a text at 2AM the same night it happened. At the same time, I honestly can't think of a single reason why she would want to be deliberately cruel to me like that. Thanks for reading, I know I went on a bit but sometimes it helps to get your thoughts on paper. I would welcome any advice or comments...

tbh

very poor form on her part. I would guess that she felt guilty about what she was doing and sent you the text, wanting you to reply with "you go for it!" or words to that effect. There's nothing really anyone can say to make you feel better, but rest assured that the pain fades with the passage of time - there's no real shortcuts for that. I know you think you'll feel like this forever, but trust me - you really won't.

jim o doom

I understand that because you are friends, in the same clubs & have the same friends, breaking off contact is an impossibility;

But; I would strongly recommend keeping the contact to a minimum as much as possible. i.e. no texting to each other, or being her "shoulder to cry on", etc..

The reason for this is that you need the space to heal & you simply arn't getting that, especially with her telling you about her new conquests, something nobody broken hearted needs.

What I mean is, outside of your clubs & circle of friends, don't be in contact beyond that, you are only making it more painful to yourself in the current situation.

jellie

Unregistered wrote: »

I have since become a kind of confidant/security blanket for her anxieties. I still end up being a shoulder to cry on when she gets upset - and I thought I could deal with that as I thought I had gotten over it. We had plans to meet up earlier today but she later texted me saying she would have to postpone as she had company. Then at about 2AM she texted me saying (rather triumphantly) that she ended up having sex with her ex tonight, then asked if I was OK with her talking about "aving fun with another man". I was really trying to put on a brave face, act like a friend instead of an ex, and be happy for her getting back in the game, even if im not there yet myself so I said "I'm sure i'll get used to it eventually. Good for you I guess...". She went on about it for several more texts and I began to feel physically ill (something that has never happened on the basis of emotion to me before) and found myself having to say "I'm really sorry, and I really am trying to not be freaked out by this and be happy for you getting back in the game, but we only broke up two weeks ago and I'm just not there yet" to which she replied cryptically "Thats why I'm being carefull, I care about your feelings and I dont want to upset you".

what a b*tch. i dont know if she was purposely being cruel but shes either stupid or evil, why else would she go telling her ex something like that.

you need to try distance yourself from her, youll wont even start to get over her if youre lettin her use you as emotional support.

Jumpy

Break all contact. Now. This will be repeated all over this thread as it grows.

Take it from those who have been there before. Shes not going to get back together. She will mess with your mind whether she intends to or not.

Break contact as soon as possible. You dont have to tell her why - That would be contact.

tbh

sar84 wrote: »

what a b*tch. i dont know if she was purposely being cruel but shes either stupid or evil, why else would she go telling her ex something like that.

in fairness, this tends to happen a lot. From the point of view of the g/f, she was probably feeling very guilty for hurting the OP, and was trying to reassure herself that things were still cool with them. I would suggest - and this is just my experience - that the OP thought that if he maintained contact, and appeared to be ok - maybe the g/f would reconsider. It happens, especially early on in your relationship career - but people generally learn that it doesn't work like that.

that's what PI is for, in fairness, to get the benefit of other's experience - however, most of these things you have to figure out for yourself.

OP - you're young. Yes, this stings, but trust me - this is only the start for you. I promise, your feelings will fade and in a few years you'll be on PI, giving the same kind of advice as me. It's not cause I'm clever or insightful or anything, just that it happened to me already, as it's now happening to you. A life lesson.

KikiDee

Unregistered wrote: »

Throughout the next month and a half, I tried to be the best boyfriend I could be - being there when she needed me, giving her space when she needed space, taking her out, staying up all night reassuring her when she was feeling upset - even she admits that I made no mistakes.

That was bang out of order on her part. She's acting like she's having her cake and eating it too.

You say (and so does she) that you were the perfect boyfriend.....well she doesn't deserve you. Either as a friend or OH.

In time you'll see this. In the meantime, keep smiling!! :)

Wagon

Unregistered wrote: »

Then at about 2AM she texted me saying (rather triumphantly) that she ended up having sex with her ex tonight, then asked if I was OK with her talking about "aving fun with another man". ...She went on about it for several more texts and I began to feel physically ill (something that has never happened on the basis of emotion to me before)

Even I felt slightly ill reading that myself. I imagined an ex of mine doing that and yes, I really can't blame you. Unbelieveable performance and she doesn't deserve the time of day. I know what you've said about not being able to cut contact but I think you should and here's my reasons.

She isn't your friend. Not at all. She sounds like an absolute gob****e to be honest, and seems to be so wrapped up in her own little world to consider someone else. No friend does that, ringing up their close friend who they went out with to brag about their sex life at 2am. It just doesn't cut it, and anyone ca tell you that. You've handled it like a gentleman so far but there's no shame in turning around and saying to her, "you are a true generic waste. piss off"

So yes, cut contact. I know your in the same clubs and hobbies, but just don't talk to her at them, or have anything to do with her outside. Focus on her bad points (there seems to be plenty as far as I can see) and gradually that emotional bond you have with her will break. She isn't a friend, she's using you to boost her ego by stepping on yours. So don't give rher the oppurtunity. There's no harm being selfish sometimes, especially if it means keeping yourself happy.

But seriosuly, stop being her friend.

Wibbs

OK this is my take and I probably have it arseways....

I think in some ways it was in trouble from the start. You were in friendzone anyway, but she was missing the relationship stuff in her life. Maybe from the ex she ended up sleeping with.

She sees you're a nice guy and tries to make the switch from friend to lover. That can be a hard jump. IMHO much more for women, who seem to mark that boundary more.

So you and her go out, she gets the emotional support from you that clearly she values as she even tries to keep that going after the sexy bit is off the cards. The sexy bit doesn't take off enough for her. In fairness she probably hoped it would, but it just didn't for any number of reasons. The usual reason I've seen is the guy becomes too much like a friend too quickly, so the woman starts to see him more and more in that light and her attraction fades.

IMHO it's a mistake men make all the time. "If I act like her best friend, do everything for her, tell her I love her, be a shoulder to cry on etc, then she'll be attracted to me". I may get slated for this, but I think that's a arse backwards approach for the vast majority of man/woman relationships. It should be based on sexual attraction first, friendship should come after. Again IMH a woman will find it a lot harder to leave a guy she's sexually attracted to, than a guy she loves as a friend that she's not. Don't believe me? How many women can you think of that are or have gone out with and and are sleeping with "wasters", yet have "decent nice guys" mooning after them, but whom they have no interest in? Quite a few I'll warrant. Why? Simply because they're sexually attracted to the waster and not the nice guys.

There are a few reasons for this, but mostly it's because the waster has made himself clear that he's up for a sexual relationship, more than the nice guys do. The best men are both emotionally supportive and sexual creatures.

I could be wrong but it seems to me that you were a rebound, probably from her ex. You were kind to her and replaced the emotional stuff she had with her ex, (or more likely, she wasn't getting the emotional stuff from her ex) and if you had replaced the sexual stuff, you wouldn't have started this thread, but you didn't, so she went back to the ex guy and now she has the best of both worlds. The sexual bf/gf stuff with her ex or whomever and the emotiona stuff she lacked with him in you. Good for her, yes. Great for him as he gets the sexy time, but not the emotional responsibility, but really crap for you. I have women mates and I have women I'm sexually/romantically interested in. I will not give the latter my shoulder to cry on until I get other parts of their anatomy in play. I would say the reverse to women. Don't give up other parts, unless you're getting some of the shoulder to cry on too.

Now as for what you do now. Actually I would take your cue from her. She breaks it off, but doesn't want to lose your emotional support. It's that support she misses, not "friendship" BTW. So she tests you with her tales of nookie to see if you'll bite. Now you reacted like a "nice guy". Bad move. You looked emotionally weak in her eyes. You shouldn't have flipped or anything, but neither should you ahve been stoic and accepting. It's not your place to do so. You should have cut her off and said I don't want to listen to this, it's not my business, or tell her tales of your own sexual romps and see how she likes it.

Stop filling in the gaps a boyfriend should be filling. You're not getting what you want. Stop engaging with her. Be polite, but firm around her. Move on and forget her. She sounds like bad news until she cops on.

Look to other women. Engage other women more. Engage other women in a flirty way more too.

Sugar Drunk

she is being unfair. She is using you as an emotional crutch while playing the friend game. Basically she wants all the emotional side of being in a relationship - being a shoulder to cry on, support etc but does not actually want to be in a relationship with you. You should not have to act as her security blanket. She is getting the emotional side from you and teh sexual side form other guys. Once she is in a new relationship and has someone else to be her 'security blanket' you may find your services no longer needed.

I know your in same clubs and cannot cut contact but distance yourself a bit or you will just keep getting hurt. Her texting you about having sex with someone else was both odd and thoughtless its a bit like rubbing salt in the wound. It could be she was feeling guilty about it and preferred to tell you herself rather than you hearing it elsewhere. However it could also be her way of making it clear that while your friends she is not intending to get back with you - some way of showing you its definately over and shes over it. It could even be her trying to see what your reaction was

Either way it was athoughtless thing to do. Distance yourself from her because until you do you could be missing out on all sorts of other girls out there.


ETA - Just realised wibbs posted just about same time as me but said it much better!!

Elessar

You were being too nice and girls do not find that attractive. Typical scenario really.

She was trying to make you jealous by texting you after having sex at 2am. She wants two men to want her.

My advice: Start ignoring her completely and move on. Don't be a doormat.

cantdecide

High good advice content in this thread.

She is being either cruel or ignorant. Life is way too short for being a shoulder to cry on. It's easy for her to go back to being just friends with you if you didn't make to the leap away from just friends to begin with. It's a trap a lot of us fall into and it ain't good for your mental health at the best of times but especially when the paint isn't dry on your breakup with this girl.

Stay away from her as far as you can and I would consider telling her that you are still dealing with the breakup so no texts no calls for the foreseeable future. Tell her and you certainly don't need to hear her bragging about her sex life...

dblennon

brilliant post wibbs,

I think its the same for everyone first few relationships you try to be the best boyfriend rather than being yourself,

Basically if you a good guy you won't be a bad guy def. don't try too hard if you are.

I did and 2/3 relationships died in there infancy cause I hid my sexual attraction, I know that in my experience women feed off this and it is there job to TRY and repel you (99% of the time they won't)

LegacyUser

Good post by Wibbs there alright. Definitely reminded me of girls Ive known in terms of trading emotional support for sex on a basic level. Horrible thought though.

LegacyUser

Is it not a possibility that she was lying to you re: the texts about sex with another guy just to guage your reaction to same?

No offence meant here but if she feels that she has you wrapped around her finger in terms of you being there for her always no matter what she does, she could be playing silly buggers and wrecking your head just to see what happens.

My view would be she is trying to get you jealous on purpose just to make sure that you still have feelings for her and keep her hooks firmly in you even though you are broken up.

Wibbs

I reckon she's selfishly making up or attempting to make one relationship out of two men. The guy she has sex with satisfies that need and the OP satisfies the emotional support need. Obviously that's along very simplistic lines, there will be crossover. Plus she gets the attention from two men. Bonus all around for her and as I said really good for the sex guy(unless he falls for her), not so good for the OP.

She'll be quite clever about keeping both going too. It worked so far. She overplayed her hand telling you about the sex bit though, hence you could feel something was amiss. Trust me she knows you're still into her. I guarantee that. If I had a quid for every time I've seen just this scenario played out I would be a wealthy man. I would say women do this particular thing more and can only think of one guy I've known to do similar. Men do different headwrecks IME That could just be those I've known though.

If you want more, don't give attention to someone who is not willing to give you more. It's their right not to, but it's your right to not be happy about it or even used over it and your right to walk away. For men that means don't be too quick to give emotional or practical support to a woman you fancy and want to go out with if you're not getting a return. For women, don't give up the sexual goods to a man you fancy and want to go out with if you're not getting the emotional and commitment support.

The amount of men who try to be "friends" with a woman hoping for more would be similar to the amount of women who sleep with a guy hoping for more. Both usually end up disappointed.

vorbis

Dump the evil bitch now OP. After that, go grow some balls.

Seriously, she starts talking to you TWO WEEKS after you break up about having sex with another guy. Why are you even posting this? Is your brain not working?

CDfm

Great advice - but you have a crazy here.

Just tell her straight up you dont want to be mates and she is the type of person you thought she was. Even without putting her on a pedestal you dont want texts about her sex life.

Thats Jade Goody wannabe territory and yuk.The extention of its like someone sending you a DVD of their labour and giving birth. Too much.

Wish her luck and explain your reasons but get her out of your life.

Wibbs

OK vorbis I take your point but ease up on the rhetoric please. Thanks.

Bottle_of_Smoke

Nail on head Elessar & Wibbs. OP imagine someone you know - a close friend or a brother, told you the same story, what would you think of that girl?

It's partly your fault for putting on the brave face, but she is one selfish bitch.

Wibbs

OK OP, you've been duped and it hurts. It has happened to damn near all men(and women). hell it's happened to me. Cool. So now what do you do? You learn from it.

Learn that what you want from a relationship, sex companionship, consistency is as valid as anyones.

Learn that you can walk away, even if it hurts, especially when it hurts. Nearly always a red flag.

Learn that how you're treated is how you let the world treat you for the most part.

Learn that all women are not like this. Don't be bitter. It may get you laid more(ironically) but it does not a happy camper make long term.

Learn to express your needs with someone early on and if they don't want to go down that road, I refer you to number two.

Be respectful of women, but respect yourself more. You're all you've got in the end and if you don't respect yourself, they won't. Oh they may for a while, but sooner or later....

Learn that there are millions of women out there. There's not only one, there are many and many will want to be with you in a proper sexual, mutually emotionally beneficial relationship.

LegacyUser

Thanks guys, the advice really helped clarify things for me. I had a word with her tonight, explained that she was bang out of order and told her to keep her distance, at least until the paint dries, especially about her sex-life. There was a lot of crying and apologizing on her part but I think (hope) I made the right decision, ultimately for both of us and especially for me in the end.