Funnies

Fauldy Banny · 27-01-2009 6:36pm #1

A lorry carrying copies of Roget's Thesaurus crashed on the M1 yesterday, shedding it's load across the carriageway.

Onlookers are said to be stunned, bewildered, dumbfounded, astonished, shocked, flabbergasted, startled, speechless and amazed

It's strange isn't it ?
You stand in the middle of the library and go "Aaaaaaaaargh!!" and everyone stares at you.
But do it on a plane and everyone joins in

Went to the doctors today. I asked the bloke sitting next to me what he was in for.

"Terrible piles," he said.

"Is that why you're sitting on that bean bag?"

"What bean bag?" he replied

Two men approaching each other on the path. Both are dragging their right foot, as they walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly points at his foot and says, "Falklands, '82". The other points behind and says, "Dog ****, twenty feet back."

Where do you find a dog with no legs?

Right where you left it.

A man was driving down a narrow road when a woman was driving up the same road approaching him. The pass each other and the man winds his window down and shouts "****ING FAT cow".

The woman yells back "****ING BALD PRICK"

The women then drives around the corner, crashes into a huge cow and dies.

If only woman would listen..

"It was last Tuesday, I was walking home from the pub and some fella just barged past me.
I said excuse me mate, Who the **** do you think you are?
He stopped but didn't look around.
I walked up to him and tapped him on the shoulder when suddenly the ****er turned round and tried to hit me with a stick!
I ducked and knocked the ****er straight off his feet.
He then got up muttered a few words and all of a sudden this great ****ing dog appeared from no where and started barking and try to bite my ****ing knee caps.
I fell back a bit but soon recovered and kicked the mutt straight in the teeth.
The pooch let out a high cry and scampered away.
By this point i had had enough of this ****ing dirty fighter.
I went up to the fella broke the stick over his head and knocked the ****er clean out.

****in' blind people will learn not to mess with me... *****.

How do blind people know when to stop wiping their ass?

When the dog stops licking

A radio station was running a competition - words that weren't in the dictionary yet could still be used in a sentence that would make logical sense. The prize was a trip to Bali.

DJ: "96 FM here, what's your name?"

Caller: "Hi, my name's Dave."

DJ: "Dave, what's your word?"

Caller: "Goan... spelt G-O-A-N pronounced 'go-an'."

DJ: "You are correct, Dave, 'goan' is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?"

Caller: "Goan f*ck yourself!"

The DJ cut the caller off and took other calls, all unsuccessful until:

DJ: "96 FM, what's your name?"

Caller: "Hi, me name's Jeff."

DJ: "Jeff, what's your word?"

Caller: "Smee, spelt S-M-E-E, pronounced 'smee'."

DJ: "You are correct, Jeff, 'smee' is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?"

Caller: "Smee again! Goan **** yourself.

This guy arrives at the Pearly Gates. He has to wait to be admitted, while St. Pete leafs through his Big Book.

He's checking to see if the guy is worthy of entry or not. Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did lots of good in your life but, you never did anything bad either.

Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you're in."

The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Well, there was this one time when I was drivin' down the highway and I saw a Biker Gang assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, that's what they were doing. There were about 50 of 'em torturing this chick.

Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron from my trunk and walked straight up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the Gang formed a circle all around me.

So I ripped the leader's chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone, you slime! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'"

St. Peter, extremely impressed, says, "Really? Wow, when did all this happen?"

"Er.. about two minutes ago."

To call Dr Harold Shipman 'Britain's worst serial killer' is utter nonsense. With more confirmed kills to his name than any other UK-based murderer, surely Dr. Shipman is 'Britain's best serial killer'

Michael is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago.
One day he arrives home looking downcast. "That's it," he tells his wife, "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has got so bad.... once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went."
His wife sympathizes, and pours him a cold drink.
As they sit down she says, "why don't you take my brother with you, and give it one more try?"
"That's no good," sighs Michael, "your brother's a hundred and three. He can't help."
"He may be a hundred and three," says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."
So the next day Michael heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law.
He tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway. He turns to his brother-in-law and asks, "did you see the ball?"
"Of course I did!"
"Where did it go?" says Michael.
"I can't ****ing remember,"

What do you find in a pixie's condom?

Fairy Liquid.

Princessa · 27-01-2009 6:53pm

I cant stop laughing at "Smee again, Goan f**k yourself". Brilliant.

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