Lack of sex...HIS FAULT!!!

LegacyUser · 26-01-2009 11:26pm #1

Been with my boyfriend for nearly two years. We have had many ups and downs, broken up and gotten back together more times than I've had hot dinners. We wouldn't be us if we weren't having a row. Since about 6mths or so into the relationship, he has started to turn me down quite often when it comes to sex. Now I know it is not me, I am good in that department, I am very adventurous, always up for it, so I can't understand his problem. It is not that he can't get it up, his dick is very much alive, but I just think he can't be arsed. He is a lazy ****er, and smokes weed a couple of times a day, but do you think, no matter how lazy a guy is, that is an excuse to turn down sex???? He says he does it sometimes just to annoy me, but thats not fair cos I get really upset about it, and angry and we usually end up rowing again. He thinks I am blowing it out of proportion. He is happy with once or twice a week, I'm sorry but we are both in our mid-twenties, we should be having sex once or twice a day at least, when we see eachother???? Advice please??? We are rowing again at the moment, it all started because he turned me down again yesterday morning, he just cant see why I get so upset, sorry for going on but I am so confused, never met a fella who doesn't want sex ALLLL the time!!!

26-01-2009 11:39pm

Well obv. the weed is lowering his libido, but it's a bit bloody presumptuous of you to assume that just because you're a woman and he's a man, you can have sex where and when you like.

Stheno · 26-01-2009 11:41pm

Maybe he has a lower sex drive than you do?

Imo from reading your post I'd wonder why you want to stay in the relationship, you've nothing really positive to say at all

cantdecide · 26-01-2009 11:57pm

Constant pressure for sex...your fault.

Both equally valid viewpoints.

Karen_* · 26-01-2009 11:57pm

So what's good about the relationship? Do you like constant drama? He's not too into you if he doesn't want to have sex with you.

cantdecide · 26-01-2009 11:59pm

Al and Peggy situation.

Silverfish · 27-01-2009 12:21am

cantdecide wrote: »

Al and Peggy situation.

Unhelpful posting can earn you a ban from this forum.

Heraldoffreeent · 27-01-2009 12:36am

deep down he probably doesnt fancy you, all the rowing etc, is just building up to the point where you'll be dumped.

Therese68 · 27-01-2009 12:58am

Check out a site called ivillage. Go to their message boards and under the heading Sex/Mismatched Libidos. You might find it informative/interesting!!:)

hot2def · 27-01-2009 1:18am

Do "mid-twenties" really have sex once or twice a day at least?

I bet, on average, they don't...

if you were male, everyone on here would be dismissing this post off-hand as insensitive and unreasonable, as opposed to the gentle response you are getting.

LegacyUser · 27-01-2009 8:01am

ppf ignore the rest OP, i fully understand why you would be annoyed at this.

This happened with my current boyfriend about 2 months ago, and i realised that if i kept asking, he would just hear me nag and that's deffo a turn off.
all you can do, is when you see him, wear something discreetly sexy that he likes (tight tank tops, skirt?) or whatever, and just act very happy. smile alot. do not try and make him have sex with you. make him want it.
it worked for me now we'ere having sex like mad now.
It;s just cause you're giving it to him on a plate, it's a bit desperate looking. i was the same.

best of luck

Das Kitty · 27-01-2009 8:48am

Laying blame, one of the cornerstones of a good relationship!

Sorry OP but it doesn't sound like you like your OH very much.

You're on here calling him names like "lazy ****er".

You're always breaking up and getting back together, this is a very ominous sign.

IMO the difference in your sex drives is beside the point, it's just another thing to argue about. A lot of people come and post here with that issue (male and female) but the attitude is usually about how they want to help their OH and their relationship and resolve the issue. All you seem to want is for us to tell you that he's a freak and that all men want sex all the time. The truth is everyone is different and whilst it's the norm that the man in a relationship has a higher sex drive, it's not always the case.

I rarely advise breaking up but honestly, in this case, I think you need to break up and not get back together. The other option is counseling to learn how to resolve your differences healthily (without breaking up and getting back together!), however you have to decide if your relationship is worth the effort.

metrovelvet · 27-01-2009 8:49am

Oh yeah people really like having sex with people who are pressuring them into it.

Lack of sex- your fault.

MagicMarker · 27-01-2009 8:53am

If I was your bf I wouldn't want to have sex with you either.

Just break up.

LegacyUser · 27-01-2009 9:11am

He may have a lower libido that you but then that smoke may make him really lazy and just not be bothered.

When I was younger and into smoking, while I wouldn't do it that much, there were times when I couldn't have been arsed having sex with the girlfriend adn would have prefered a nice ****. Less hassle and all.

People saying its your fault, its not really. Maybe you are pressurising him a bit but still, he should want it. After all you are young. Even when I would not be too stoned to be arsed, I still wanted it. I just wasn't arsed. I wanted it without any hassle.

What he needs to do is to cut out the smoke. What the two of you need to do it do things with just the two of ye, without any smoke involved.

People saying its your fault are talking crap imo.

Dragan · 27-01-2009 9:41am

Before too many people throw the baby out with the bathwater here, cannabis is an aphrodisiac. As another poster said, your fella is smoking too much of it and it is turning him into a lazy bastard.

It should be noted, this is just because, at heart, your fella is a lazy bastard. Cannabis will rarely turn a well driven person into a lazy bastard but it will help a lazy bastard to get lazier.

Also, the two of you need to take a good long look at your relationship. The whole "we wouldn't be us if we weren't having a row" thing is bogus as well. You are either happy or you are not, by the sounds of it neither of you are very happy and are really just scared of being alone.

junior_apollo · 27-01-2009 10:05am

Personally I have a much lower sex-drive than my other half.. and sometimes she gets upset about it - but we chat and we still do it frequently so just sit down and talk it through without arguing.. at the mo it sounds like your hassling him and that will only make him defensive and reject you more

Wagon · 27-01-2009 10:08am

Break up. You don't like him much, you were pretty sure to get a few digs in on him even to a bunch of strangers on the internet and you really emphasized it was all his fault. So what's your problem? You seem to have it all figured out so just break up rather than living off the drama which your obviously doing.

partyguinness · 27-01-2009 10:09am

Yo have unrealistic expectations..IMO

Once or twice a day...thats nonsense...you have been together 2 yrs..yes maybe at the start its all very passionate but it settles down

IMO I think the OP is immature sexually and emotionally and very selfish...constant arguing and sex...ive seen this before...*yawn*

jim o doom · 27-01-2009 10:16am

994 wrote: »

Well obv. the weed is lowering his libido, but it's a bit bloody presumptuous of you to assume that just because you're a woman and he's a man, you can have sex where and when you like.

That's a total fallacy my friend. I smoke literally every day & have done so for the last ten years. I'm 28 and still have a sex drive like an 18 year old teenager.. I'd be happy with sex several times a day, but my OH prefers once a day, which I am also happy with..

To the OP, have you actually sat your OH down and had a talk with him about how much this screws with your head? I had a similar problem with my girlfriend, when we weren't having enough sex for me & explained to her that my considerably higher sex drive meant that if we weren't doing it significantly more regularily, then I was constantly frustrated & we argued a lot more..

She took this all on board & now we do it nearly every day.. I'm happy, she's happy (but tired) & the problem has been rectified.. Have a serious sit down talk with him before he is seriously cabbaged on one of the days & see how it goes. Good luck btw!

Dublin_Gunner · 27-01-2009 10:19am

How I wish my GF had the same attidtude as the OP towards sex - but thats quite a rare thing.

I happen to have quite a high sex drive, and she doesn't, in fact its quite the opposite situation to what you have.

However, get him to lay off the smoke a little, and maybe instead of jumping on him or begging for it, try do something a little sensual to get im in the mood.

How about when he's feeling lazy, you offer a sensous massage? Get the candles going, maybe a glass of wine, and wear something nice and sexy - but dont give it all away, wear something so he can see a little bit of skin, but not too much, like maybe showing off the tops of your hold ups beneath your skirt, or a glimpse of a sexy bra beneath a tight top?

Seriously though, if you've been together for 2 years, and you're going on like you say you are, its probably time for a new man. Sounds like he's either bored, not bothered, or maybe (extreme case) he just doesn't find you a turn on anymore? Might sound harsh, but could very well be true.

*SNIP*

Wibbs · 27-01-2009 10:40am

Dublin_Gunnerless of the flirty stuff and please read the charter, thanks. Do not reply on thread because that'll prove you didn't.

Wibbs · 27-01-2009 10:47am

Dublin_Gunner wrote: »

How I wish my GF had the same attidtude as the OP towards sex - but thats quite a rare thing.

Actually that's a common perception and I was surprised myself that it's not rare. In studies of divorce where sexual imbalance was cited as a reason, more women complain about lack of sex than men. In the first couple of years it's men that are more likely to complain about lack of nookie, five years down the line it's the women that are.

I think people suggesting the romantic stuff are on the right track. There could be other stuff at work. If the relationship is on the slippery and he feels badgered into it, that'll take the lead out of his pencil and no mistake. I've been in relationships where it was getting to be too much emotional work and too much hassle and I got bored with the sex. The sex drive was still there, but I just sorted myself out, rather than go to the bother of having to engage with them. Sex is damn near the first thing to go south if a relationship goes sour.

As for the cannabis, some find it an aphrodisiac, I never did. At all. In very very small doses yes, but beyond that, it was playing snooker with a rope time. I know guys who say it's great and guys like me say it takes the lead out and he may be one of those men.

jim o doom · 27-01-2009 10:59am

Wibbs wrote: »

As for the cannabis, some find it an aphrodisiac, I never did. At all. In very very small doses yes, but beyond that, it was playing snooker with a rope time. I know guys who say it's great and guys like me say it takes the lead out and he may be one of those men.

I agree with all of your post except the above there Wibbs (except the aphrodisiac thing, it just makes me stoned, doesn't affect my sex drive either way).. the reason being that the OP said that there's nothing wrong in that department - that he gets hard - but her thinking was that he was just too lazy to make use of it.. (although I don't think it's specifically laziness myself).

From that I draw the conclusion which is basically echoing the first two parts of your post; i.e. she's nagging him, there may be problems in the relationship so sex isn't what it should be to him & he may feel pressurised. It certainly sounds like a rocky relationship.

dyl10 · 27-01-2009 11:03am

Maybe you should just ask your OH in a calm way, what the story is.
Expecting sex nearly twice a day is a bit much on a long term basis imo

I don't know if I could handle that much intercourse, I play a lot of sports and I'm quite particular about when I want to have sex. Maybe your OH has an external reason for not wanting that much sex?

Dublin_Gunner · 27-01-2009 11:14am

Wibbs wrote: »

Actually that's a common perception and I was surprised myself that it's not rare. In studies of divorce where sexual imbalance was cited as a reason, more women complain about lack of sex than men. In the first couple of years it's men that are more likely to complain about lack of nookie, five years down the line it's the women that are.

I think people suggesting the romantic stuff are on the right track. There could be other stuff at work. If the relationship is on the slippery and he feels badgered into it, that'll take the lead out of his pencil and no mistake. I've been in relationships where it was getting to be too much emotional work and too much hassle and I got bored with the sex. The sex drive was still there, but I just sorted myself out, rather than go to the bother of having to engage with them. Sex is damn near the first thing to go south if a relationship goes sour.

As for the cannabis, some find it an aphrodisiac, I never did. At all. In very very small doses yes, but beyond that, it was playing snooker with a rope time. I know guys who say it's great and guys like me say it takes the lead out and he may be one of those men.

To be honest, I've been around the block a fair bit by this stage, and I think I've only ever met 1 woman who had a close to equal sex drive as my own.

You're right though, sex is nearly *always* the first thing to go when a relationship starts to break down - and in my experience, neither sex is more guilty than the other at that point.

However, I've always been a firm believer that a healthy sex life is very important to a good relationship. The healthier the sex, the more comfortable you are with one another (in most cases, not saying its the same for EVERYONE), and the more likely you are to get through tough patches. And the release of endorphins after having some great sex with the person you love is one of the best feelings in the world.

I've personally never found smoking to be much of an aphrodisiac, in fact, its probably something I've avoided when knowing a sexual encounter was on the way. I just dont like the feeling of being stoned and aroused at the same time. Though I can see the possibilities of lazy 5 hour sex sessions, but I'd rather not be stoned personally.....

John Mason · 27-01-2009 12:04pm

First off - what in gods name are you doing in a relationship that revolves around rows, anger and breaking up?

the lack of sex is the least of your worries IMO.

happyoutscan · 27-01-2009 12:20pm

What time of day do you usually make love? What I mean is if your sexy-time is a nighttime activity then weed will influence his interest in a big way. It's nothing personal, it's just the way weed often works.

One way of getting around this is to jump him in the morning, before work etc etc if you can. I know this often doesn't suit but it is a very workable option. Alternatively and maybe more importantly, instead of worrying about your sex lives maybe you should try to get to the bottom of why you are always fighting with each other? Has your relationship maybe run its course? All the best.

Lack of sex...HIS FAULT!!!

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