How much is enough?

LegacyUser

Having some problems with my girlfriend and wondering are these just little things i should let slide or are they enough to annoy others enough to consider it a problem?

Met a foreign girl while on holiday, stayed in contact through webcam etc and we seemed to get along so she came over on a J1 visa type deal. The deal was that i could support her for a month or two while she got a job however she has not been able to get a job so I have been supporting her completely for almost 5 months now, rent, food etc. This means i am effectively broke every month, I am paying far more rent than i normally would as the place we got we were supposed to be splitting the rent and bills etc. So I pretty much go to work and come home and try to not spend money, don't go to the pub, cinema, anything much at all and only manage any form of entertainment infrequently. This I can deal with, normally i used to spend a good deal of money each month on frivolous entertainment because i could but i do not begrudge or resent her because i have to support her now but i am getting annoyed by her behaviour.

She does barely any house chores at all, she hardly ever washes her clothes just leaves them in a big dirty pile in the bedroom floor, she does considerably less dish washing than i do and she hardly ever empties the bin into the big black bin, just ties the bag and leaves it in the flat for me to do. I reckon I could let the above slide but its the fact that she does not respect my property that really annoys me, I ask her to not do things that bug me like leaving wet towels on the bathroom floor or put them on my leather desk chair but she first denies that she does these things, then when i prove that she does she says its not a big deal so why do i even care at all. Even little things are bugging me now, she will use the last of the toilet paper and not bother to tell me so I can get more etc.

She also complains about me all the time that we dont go out and do anything, I keep telling her that I have to be carefull with my money as i am pretty much broke paying for everything so I can't go to the pub like she wants (beers for 2 plus taxi home would be expensive) but i try to do something every once in a while (cinema for 2 and getting out early so can take the bus home not so expensive).

I have tried pointing out how i think this behaviour is annoying me and unfair imho but she just gets annoyed with me and instead of trying to deal with any of the issues will just slam doors, shout and leave the room before coming back later saying that we should just forget about the whole argument and not talk about it again, which i dont really like as thats not dealing with the issues just ignoring them for the time being.

So am I just being a moan or would the above situation irritate the rest of you as well?

Silverfish

I'd go demented, personally.

What I would do is sit her down, say 'Here is how much money I have. Here is how much it costs to live. Here is what I have left.'

If she can't make sense of that within 15 minutes I'd say 'Ok.... here is the door'

AnonoBoy

5 months of supporting her and she gives you no respect? Everyone would be annoyed at that.

Is she even trying to find a job anymore? I know things are tough out there at the moment but surely she could find even some part time work to contribute.

Sit her down and tell her you can't afford to keep her anymore and she's going to have to start to contribute or else it's time for her to go home.

in2dblue

I think you have been very patient with her
It's understandable with the current climate that it's hard to get a job
but then to moan and complain to you that you don't go out much and also not even tidy up and show abit of appreciation for all your hard work and generosity.
If you want an honest opinion you should tell her to go and cut your losses as if she hasn't taken on board everything you have asked at this stage it is unlikely that she is ever going to.
Also the longer this goes on the more arguments you will have and then you will end up resenting her.
Unless she finds a job in the meantime I'd say it's doomed, sorry..

hungryhippo

Sounds like a leech tbh. How many job interviews has she had in the last 5 months?

nomorebadtown

What you have there is a parasite.

Send her packing and enjoy your life again.

Lollipops23

i'd be pretty miffed if i were you. she sounds like a total slob!even if she was contributing to the household i'd be livid. this may have nothing to do with it, but does she come from a culture where men would be more dominant?it may explain why she's happy to let you do everything,

Trinity

HOw much is enough? About half way through the first paragraph tbh.

Its bad enough you support her but clean up after her, pick up after her?

Couples are supposed to share things and if she is lounging around all day while you are at work supporting both of you financially, the least she could be doing is a little bit more housework in lieu.

This doesnt sound like a relationship, this sounds more like you being taken for a ride. Sorry OP.

Harris

www.aircoach.ie is your best bet. Best €7 you will ever spend.

LegacyUser

She has given up looking for a job at this stage as her visa will be expiring soon. She has been to plenty of job interviews but never really hears back, she has had two jobs since she came. The first was pure commission door to door work which i was sceptical about as i didnt think that would qualify to apply for a longer work visa which it didnt after she did it for 2 weeks despite my urging her to check. Even when she had this job and the first saturday came around which is an optional day I advised her i think she should work that day as it will get more money but also to try and impress her boss to make the work visa application look better, she said she didnt feel like it. The second job she had was working in a take away, she got fired after two days for being too slow, at the time she said the manager was just being a dick, now after experiencing eher behaviour at home it doesnt seem too odd she the manager would resort to that after two days.

The original plan now that she cannot stay here was that she would go back home, get a job and save money, i would do the same (my credit card took a massive hit when her sister came to stay here for 3 weeks over christmass as her parents present, they forked out for a plane ticket, i forked out for everything else while she was here as well) and then when we could afford it the two of us try a third neutral country (i cannot get into hers) to see if it would work. I now of course have massive doubts about this, though i hate handouts and like my independance i always had a comfort zone of being able to fall back on my family for assisstance if needed, doing that in a foreing country would be more difficult.

She told me some "good news" the other day, when her visa expires instead of going home and getting a job and saving as early as possible her parents just gave her enough money to buy a place ticket to somewhere else in europe for a weekend, then she can come back for another month on a 30 day holiday visa. She did this so we could spend our anniversary together, which while sweet i was annoyed that she didnt ask my opinion as that will be another month i will have to completely support her, anniversaries are nice and all but she doesnt seem to recognise the strain she is putting on my finances, its not like we are surviving on water and bread but its still pretty frustrating and depressing being stuck in a rut like this for so long.

I was willing to put up with it for a good while because i felt guilty that in a previous relationship i was the slob who did not do their fair share of housework etc so i felt it would be hypocritical to say it to her I should not have to take it for the rest of my life now should I ? i have learned my lesson and cleaned up my act so i can ask the same of my girlfriend now?

Silverfish

What ages are you both?

I don't think it matters a lot about a previous relationship, there's always a learning curve with these things, sometimes people just don't see that stuff just has to be done to avoid living in a mess. Maybe she's a few years behind you in that respect?

If you were a lazy slob in a previous relationship but now the tables have turned, well then you've been on both sides of it and you're in a much better position to say 'This is not going to continue.'
You really do need to sit her down and say "I work these hours. You can do x,y and z in this time. This is how much money I have.'

If she's going back home in a while, then maybe thats the time to end it, as your current lifestyle just isn't sustainable.

Supporting her sister is just something I'm not even going to comment on, I'm getting a headache just thinking about it.

Peewee_lane

OP, how old is this girl?

There are waitressing jobs out there, I was looking for office work before christmas but I got lucky when I went for a waitress position and the job took me on in the office instead.

Im surprised she hasnt a waitressing job at least.

Experienced Bar Staff For Busy City Centre Bar/Club The Purty Kitchen, Essex Street. (opp The Clarence Hotel)

itsa bagel Restaurant - Day Time Staff Hard Working and Flexible 20 Hours Per Week in Dublin City or Dublin 18 Sandyford Industrial Estate. Starting Rate €11.00 Itsa Bagel Ltd

If she really loves you, she will do her damnest to stay with you, and if I can do a simple search and find an 11 euro an hour job in itsabagel for the city centre and surrounding outlets, then she should bloody be able.

She sounds like a brat!

Ryanzo

Dont be a pushover, stand up and be a man, GET RID!

MadelineNYC

I understand it is probably difficult for her to find full-time work in these rough economic times, but surely she must have some skills she could make use of in order to earn some money...Which country is she from? If it's a non-English speaking country maybe she could earn some money by offering language lessons?? Or she could do part-time child care, waitressing, casual work...etc etc...anything to earn a little money.


If she can't contribute to your household financially then she should pull her weight other ways. I'm the last one to think that women should automatically be expected to do all the housework and cooking, but if she's not working... Being part of a couple should be give and take and it sounds like she is doing all of the taking and none of the giving...

What exactly does she DO all day while you are at work??

LegacyUser

I am 26, she is 22. When the relationship started she used to talk about how flatmates were always messy people that drobe her insance because she had to clean up after them so I don't understand why she now feels it's okay for her to do barely any cleaning.

The original plan for her to get a job to stay in the country meant she had to get a job through the FAS website for it to qualify for a work permit. I had a look at her CV and advised her I think she should change the format and phrasing and it would look better for employers, she declined saying the USIT Visa programme people told her to keep her American style CV and employers prefer that, I disagreed stating the USIT person who told her that was only here on a J1 visa herself while I have a decent enough job and recruitment agents have always complimented my CV. She then complains further down the line that i am not supporting her enough in her job search.

I have been having serious doubts about the future of the relationship with her selfish behaviour itself, now that she is definitely going back to the states I can't see myself willing to take the risk of moving to another country for this girl.

Lollipops23

it sounds as though she and her sister are spoilt brats.their parents keep forking out for plane tickets....and her sister expects a perfect stranger to pay for her?you're more a fool for doing it!!i think you know what you have to do,.

Pub07

OP what the hell is going on? You meet a girl on holiday and without hardly knowing her at all agree to let her move in with you and support her financially....ehh what?

You are shelling out your hard earned cash on this twat while she sits around doing nothing and nagging you about not bringing her out more. I really cant understand how some of the people who post on this board cant see a situation for what it is, whatever happend to common sense. And did you actually pick up her sisters tab aswell when she came to visit??

LegacyUser

In fairness the sister was not spoilt at all, she was extremely polite and appreciative she was just not given a realistic amount of money coming over for 3 whole weeks. Judging by how little she seems to care I wouldn't be suprised if it was my girlfriends suggestion for her sister to come out here afterall I was not entertaining her enough and I doubt she told her parents just how expensive a city dublin is to live in afterall its not like she really feels it pinching her purse. It was probably how courteous her sister acted that woke me up to how selfish the girlfriend was acting, the sister would say "thank you for the lovely meal" everytime and please etc and the girlfriend would either give a hald assed thanks after her sister or most times would not bother.

After I met the girl we stayed in contact over webcam etc, for a birthday present her parents sent her over for a couple of weeks during the summer but she came over with enough money and everything seemed fine so we decided to give it a go as she said she would be able to come over with a decent amount of cash during the J1 visa, well apparently something fell through when a friend who owed her money for rent etc did not pay her so she came over with practically nothing.

The sister came out with enough money to buy some souvenir gifts etc and take care of her lunch meal but I had to sort out dinners and weekends pretty much.

The girlfriend basically spends all her day on the internet, watching tv shows and social networking to her friends.

It did not seem so bad at the start but it seems to be getting progessively worse, especially when her sister came, she resorted to almost being a teenager. If it was a local girl i reckon i would have told her to sling her hook a long time ago but because she is here alone and only having me to support her i guess i feel guilty at the thought of chucking her, whenever she starts complaining about her and i say how frustrated i feel that i can effectively do nothing because i am completely supporting her she then resorts to crying and saying she is so lonely without any friends or family here so i end up feeling pretty bad then.

Linoge

This is a serious case of de ja vu for me (all over again). OP, did u ever post about this before? BTW, what does she do all day - do you have the internet, does she play an online game? Maybe she is depressed? Thats my constructive part... the realistic part is get rid, she is a user.

Anniversaries mean nothing when u are bleeding someone dry... and why not come back for the day of your anniversary, why a month? Also, why are her parents willing to fund a plane ticket but wont send her money to actually LIVE. Do they think she is living on fresh air?? Either she has savings that she is not telling you about (most likely) or she told her parents that she doesn;t need money.

Realistically it is never going to work between you two. She needs a sugar daddy, you need someone who can stand on their own two feet.

markesmith

This is an open and shut case, OP. She's sponging off of you.

John_Mc

Get rid of her.

Dublin_Gunner

That absolutely ridiculous. She obviously has no respect for either you or herself to be going on like she is.

Is there absolutely anything that would make you want to stay with her - apart from pity??

Chuck her, one call to the folks and they'll pay for her ticket home anyway, so its win-win.

not yet

I was going to say something smart like....You have a good one there hold onto her.

Jesus man what is it...the sex? the company? low self esteem?

Whatever your buzz is get her out of your life.

Drummerboy2

If you don't feel at ease supporting this girl. Tell her so. Be honest. I'm sure if she really knew how you feel, she wouldn't want to stay. At the end of the day she is very young and probably doesn't even realise how irked you are about all this.

Lollipops23

Unregistered wrote: »

In fairness the sister was not spoilt at all, she was extremely polite and appreciative she was just not given a realistic amount of money coming over for 3 whole weeks.

given?why do niether if them make any money themselves?seriously, you need to tell her it's not working.she's a big girl,she never should have come over with no way of getting home if things went south.

mickoneill30

She's on a permanent holiday. You pay for everything, work and tidy up after her. What is it about her that means you want to stay in the relationship? Has she a fantastic personality or what? It doesn't sound like it from what you typed. She has no motivation and complains because you can't go out enough as you spend all your money keeping her going.

If you stay together what's it going to be like in a year? or two? or ten?

Wibbs

Have to agree with mickoneill30 and others so far. What are you getting out of this and why are you letting it build up to this point? This will be unlikely to change. Why should it really? She's just switched one spoiled environment(I suspect) for another.

Harris

Ok then if she won't take the aircoach then try www.thepattonflyer.ie - it's an extra €1 but will be well worth it

I think you have all the answers you will need from the replies you have got

beth-lou

She needs to grow up. It sounds as though she has come straight from being looked after by Mammy and Daddy to being looked after by you. And to have no respect for you and the situation she has put you in financially is very worrying indeed. I'd poliely end it now. It's all very one sided and she sounds incredibly ungrateful.
You can do better.

LegacyUser

OP -get a bottle of cop on will ya!

She has the mind of a child, she is freeloading off you and has no comprehension of hte sacrifices you are making and whats more, she doesn't care!!!

All this sacrifice on your part for someone you hardly know to be fair......come on OP she's suckering you and you are letting her.

Tell her to get out and start supporting herself and see how interested in you she is then.

ben10

I cannot believe nobody has mentioned this word yet but from reading all of your posts i am convinced this is a scam!! Either this girl is completely taking you for a ride or the OP has made up the whole thing for attention!

I am sorry if that sounds harsh but it is how it looks. Lets say the OP is telling the truth, you cannot put up with this, you are being used! alone or not you should kick her out she will grow up soon enough after that! If this story had been told using a russian girl as an example everyone would say it was a scam so why not with an american!?!

Get Rid!!

Persiancowboy

Op,

there's an old saying that goes "if you're a fool there will be a fool made of you". This girl is being seriously selfish and is blatantly taking advantage of your hospitality and kindness. Take the advice of the great majority of the replies to your post and show her the door. Her continued presence is seriously damaging your whole quality of life!!

LegacyUser

It's not a scame and it's not made up, it was a chance meeting while we were on holiday and we seemed to hit it off so we thought it was worth a shot. Her sister is still currently in college and the girlfriend had just graduated from college so neither were working and were relying on their parents at the time. She is just lazy and inconsiderate to what she is doing, and when I try to point out to her that I am not happy with her behaviour she just thinks I am blowing things up and never wants to rationally talk about the issues at hand.

The fact that everyone does see this as unacceptable behaviour has definitely made me realise its time to finish it tonight as I have wanted to for a while but did not have the balls to admit that fact.

Redpunto

please please please do not attempt to set up a life with her in a third country - it'll be like deja vu - shes making excuses for the way she is behaving - if she was Irish would you be kicking her out or are you making allowances for her becuase shes foriegn. This is not someone with whom you could have a longlasting happy relationship - you need to get rid before any more of your money is gone down the plughole along with your sanity.

MadelineNYC

You know, I'm American and planning to spend a few weeks in your fair city soon. I was going to book a hotel, but can I stay at your place instead? You are quite the generous host. I'm cute and I'll even do the laundry! Sorry..Just teasing a little. In all seriousness I find your situation mind-boggling.

Is the girl a college graduate? What field is she in? 21 is pretty young, but she sounds immature even for that age. Ask yourself this: Do you really see this situation improving? Be honest. I think the answer is no. Why are you prolonging it then? By dragging it out you are just depleting your funds and causing yourself stress.

You don't have to toss her out on the streets. Does she have a credit card? She can use it to buy a ticket home. Problem solved. If I were you I would call her parents and tell them they have one week to get the situation sorted out. They won't let her end up homeless.

It doesn't even sound like she is enjoying herself there anyway, so why doesn't she just GO HOME...From what you say she spends all day on the computer doing Facebook/MySpace and other crap. If I were living in a foreign city rent free I'd at least get out and ENJOY myself, see the sights...

She can be a lazy slug back in the US just as easily as Dublin. With the economic situation being what it is the last thing you need is this kind of baggage.

LegacyUser

My prediction:

Even if she got a job tomorrow, I doubt she would pay her full share of the living expenses. She sounds like someone who is- at her core- selfish. She'd be full of excuses for why she couldn't pay half the rent this month, then the next month, and then--- The money she earned would go towards shopping or other frivolous things.

What kind of socieconomic background does she come from?? I know many Americans and have lived there. I have a really hard time imagining the middle and upper-middle class/professional Americans I know letting their daughter go off to a foreign country to be "kept" by a man she hasn't known for long.

I don't think she is running a scam in the true sense. I don't think she really set out with those intentions. She is just a silly, self-centered girl who is is probably too busy feeling sorry for herself to really see how bad her behavioris.

SoWatchaWant

OP, be sure to post again after you break it off with her, well if you do. Let us know how it went:)

Wibbs

SoWatchaWant this is not a soap opera for our amusement. If the op wants to talk further let them do so or not. Please read the charter.

jbl123

The thing I'm wondering is what about this girl is worth fighting for? If she were a nice person, I could see going through all this trouble, putting your finances at risk, working so very hard.

But from what you have said, she doesn't have many redeeming qualities. Is it that's she's extremely beautiful and the sex is amazing? Looks fade over time. Moreoever, the sex in relationship tends to cool off a bit once the initial lust has leveled off. When those things happen, it doesn't sound like much will be left for you.

I think that she is using you as an avoidance mechanism. Instead of living her new life as a recent university graduate facing a terrible job market, she's essentially run away from her problems. Going off to a different country and living with an older guy with a "cool accent" is probably a lot more appealing than trying to be an adult and learn how to support herself for the first time.

Salome

It sounds like your girlfriend is used to getting handouts from her family in order for her to live her life. You are just the extension to that by paying for everything.

I was looking online earlier on one of the recruitment site just to see what's out there, there's plenty of admin/reception type jobs out there for people with little experience - I think she's just not making sufficient effort. As she's not willing to make that effort, she's showing that she's got little respect for you. Has she ever said thanks?

You need to have a conversation with her - almost like an ultimatum. Tell her that you're running low on funds and that it's become a necessity for her to contribute to the house. If she's unwilling, then you have your answer. Though to be honest, I think you know that already.

If you don't sort this out now, she'll be living off you forever. Do you really want to feel this resentful forever? No, I didn't think so.

LegacyUser

MadelineNYC wrote: »

You know, I'm American and planning to spend a few weeks in your fair city soon. I was going to book a hotel, but can I stay at your place instead? You are quite the generous host. I'm cute and I'll even do the laundry! Sorry..Just teasing a little. In all seriousness I find your situation mind-boggling.

Throw in 50 quid a week, sure its still a much better deal than what I have been getting for the last 5 months.

So got home and after a minute or two to scare off the butterflies in my stomache i turned to her and said "this isn't working", to which I received this great reply

"Of course it's not working you are not giving me enough affection!" I knew then immediately i was definitely doing to right thing, no last hopes of working things out and making amends, I come to her and try and tell her I am not happy in the relationship and instead of wanting to know why I am not happy she just points out what i am doing to make her unhappy. She was annoyed I did not kiss hergoodbye and tell her I loved her this morning before going to work and that in general I was not hugging and telling her how pretty she is lately, which is all true, being frustrated by someone generally diminishes your desire to compliment them.

So after dismissing my stated reasons for unhappiness as "pointless crap" she proceeds to go into the bedroom and talk to her mother on skype, as always she is not too concerned with closing the door or keeping the noise down so i heard the entire conversation from the living room (like i heard the numerous times she complained to her parents about me being a jerk off for not taking her out more). Her mother was obviously supportive and asked how soon she would be coming home, the girlfriend replied that she did not want to bother changing her plane tickets dates (her parents had already bought her home flight from when her visa epires) so her basic plan is to "couch surf" at different friends places from now tonight until her original flgiht date, March 20th. Her parents obviously did not think this was such a good idea and urged her to come home earlier but she is adamant that she wants to enjoy her remaining time here with her friends, i wonder if they will enjoy it as much now that they will have to put up with her slobbish behaviour. Oh yeah and about money now that I will no longer be supporting her well apparently she has asked one of her friends to help her out as they own a pub so might be able to get her a job working the bar, should be interesting getting served there as she is only 5 ft tall. Why this friend could not have hooked her up with a job before obviously sprung to mind but I could not even be bothered to pointit out at that stage.

Feeling pretty good at this stage, I know I definitely did the right thing if only I had the balls to do it earlier, cheers to all the advice it made the decision much clearer than it seemed muddling around inside my skull all this time.

Silverfish

Well done.

Amazing how she could pull a job out of nowhere all of a sudden. Goes to show you really were just a free ride for this girl.

I'd say the next few days will be the hardest, while she's preparing to move and that, just remember the reasons why you did it, and look forward to being able to spend your money on whatever the hell you like

Stheno

Best of luck OP and fair play for having the guts to call her on this

Setun

Personally I recommend Frost/Nixon for your first cinema trip after the departure of the sponging troglodyte.

username123

OP - even the girls use of the term 'couch surf' shows her general disrespect for other peoples homes and hospitality. She seems to think its ok to be a parasite. Totally amazing how a job miraculously appeared out of the blue.

You have so done the right thing, consider it a lesson learned.

On a side issue - how could you possible have had any respect for her, she was just leeching off you! And its clear she had no respect for you, considering both her behaviour and her comments about you to her mother - within your earshot. The relationship could never have worked.

koneko

A girl like this will do this all her life. Sponge off her parents, then move on to a guy like you, back to her parents, then she'll find another guy to leech off. At some point she'll find some poor sap with too much money who'll put up with it. She's a waster, and you're SO much better off now!

Crash Bang Wall

nomorebadtown wrote: »

What you have there is a parasite.

Send her packing and enjoy your life again.

Only answer!!! (either that or shes a demon in the sack)

Either way, get rid

Sugar Drunk

well done OP. It was never going to work. She is looking for someone to treat her like a princess and pander to her every whim while her only duty in life is to sit at home looking pretty, spend someone elses money and 'be brought' places.
Id imagine the freinds she intends to 'couch surf' at will soon get an eye opener.

LegacyUser

i guess i feel guilty at the thought of chucking her, whenever she starts complaining about her and i say how frustrated i feel that i can effectively do nothing because i am completely supporting her she then resorts to crying and saying she is so lonely without any friends or family here so i end up feeling pretty bad then.

lol I felt like strangling you when I read this! I was going to point out that she is just an immature little brat playing the martyr and you were falling for it!

Turning on the tears is an age old form of emotional blackmail favoured by these types (ones who think the world owes them a living and never accept responsibility for their own faults, everything is someone elses fault!)

Anyway, well done, take the Skype headphones and change the password on the PC, etc until she gets out, well if it was me I would just pack her stuff leave it outside and change the locks!

Anyway -again well done! An expensive lesson learned my friend, next time slow it down before you allow someone into your home!

yellowcurl

Congrats! Now go spend money on yourself and not some little leech

Varkov

One word...murder.

Or break up with her and send her home. Either or.