Struggling with Bereavement

LegacyUser

Hi All,

I need some advice. I'm a woman of 19 and just over 2 years ago I lost my mother. I seemed to cope fairly well through the funeral and everything and took charge of the house (paying bills, doing chores, cooking dinners). My dad is still visibly shaken about mam's death. You can see it on hime. They were married for nearly 35 years and together for another 10 before that. Alot of the time when I was growing up Dad wasn't around (They had a very volatile relationship), so it was just me and mam. As i said my dad is still shaken up about mam's death naturally and seems to be of the mentality that you don't know what you got til it's gone. My problem is this:

Since mam has died, I've been trying my best to support my dad. And I haven't really thought about myself at all. This is going to sound really selfish and I hate myself for saying this but everyone still asks me how my dad is doing! Instead of asking him and it's really annoying me. Why aren't they asking me how I'm? It seems they only care about how he is doing. I feel terrible for saying that but my life is crumbling around me. I can't stop thinking about her. I can't stop thinking about how unfair life is by taking her from me. Even as I sit at work typing this I'm hunched over my pc crying. I feel I can't cope with expectations my family have put on me the last 2 years. And I know I'm a big girl now but I feel i never had time to grieve for mam properly. The day after the funeral I was out mowing the lawn ffs!!! I think that at the time I didn't feel she was really gone. But now, I believe she's gone but i just can't accept.

I can't see past this and it's taking up my every moment. I haven't had more that 2 hours sleep a night since november. And it's gotten to the stage where I feel I just can't go on.

I'm so sorry for the long post. Thank you for reading this and for any replies I may get.

All advice is appreciated.

Thanks.

LouOB

I dont really have professional advice for you
Though I would suggest some breavement counselling
And confiding in some friends
At least they would ask about you and not about your dad all the time
Other than that - *BIG HUG*
As Im sure your mother is missing you just as much as your missing her

Otis Driftwood

Hi OP,firstly Im truly sorry for your loss.Im lucky in that I have both of my parents alive and well but I have had quite alot of berevements of close family members so I can empathise with you to a certain extent.You say your Dad is still visibly shaken by the loss but you have been outwardly a pillar of strenght.Id imagine thats why people are asking after him and not you as on the surface you have been so strong in trying to get on as best you can people automatically assumes you are ok.It really sounds like you need to talk to a berevement counseller.I know my Mum had a tough time when her youngest sister died a few years ago but found the counselling a huge help.You really need to unload and let your grief out.You also have to realise that it is ok to let people see you are hurting instead of thinking you are being a rock.I really hope everything works out for you.Take care.

Moon_Eyes

Hello there

I've had a similar experience even though I'm a good bit older than you, it doesn't really matter. I used the bereavement counselling service and I cannot sing their praises higher. It just helped to talk about my own personal grief and my experience of what was happening instead of constantly trying to be strong around the rest of my family. They are trained and they are very supportive. You talk about whatever you want in whatever way you can. They are voluntary organisation and you only donate what you can, a few quid is fine.

Here's the link:

http://www.dynamicintent.com/bcs/background.cfm

I don't think you'd regret it for a moment. Just to have an hour a week or whatever to talk to someone purely for you until you've worked some of your grief out is such a relief. Best of luck, M_E

LegacyUser

OP I lost my brother almost 5 years and to this day I still cannot accept he is gone and I cannot move on...

I tried getting counselling about a year after he died and was told after 8 months that they couldnt do anything for me because I couldnt help myself, so I left and was in limbo, terrified that my brother was lost somewhere between heaven and earth, he was mentallyhandicapped and I had convinced myself that he needed to get back to us..

Grieve can do awful things to your head, I still suffer from terrible temper tantrums I suppose is all I could call them, I just lose it so easily over the smallest of things..

One thing though that has really helped me and it may not be to everyones liking, I visited a physic/medium (Stefan in Mullingar)and my god did he make the hairs stand on my neck, he told me things that my brother had told him that no one couldve known and in a way it has helped a lot, I have gone back to him a few times and every time I come away happy.

So I guess I have moved on in a way, now I know that my brother is actually here with me, I know he knows things that are going on in my life...

Maybe that might help you, but I would leave it until at least a year has passed, its physically and mentally drains you, it feels like your going through it all again..

I dont know if I helpedyou or not but just giving my take on what may or may not help you...

Hope your doing ok x

Nevyn

http://www.bereavementireland.org/

You seemed to have stepped into you mother's role in the house to keep things running.
You need to stop doing that and your Dad should start doing more around the house.
While you are rushing about caring for your Dad you have been distracted from your
own feelings and your grief process has been delayed.

karen3212

Hi op,
sorry to hear about your mother.

I agree that you have not grieved yet for your loss. Everybody does it differently though and in their own time.

I don't have much advice except to say you might be surprised how well your Dad can cope if given the chance.

starchild

sorry about your mum, its a tough thing to cope with
time is the real healer here, you will never forget her but the intense pain will lessen
whatever you do dont bottle it up, cry if you feel like it, offload to others, it will help
if it gets really bad try bereavement counselling
i have had a couple of my best friends die in the past year and while i grieved intensely for them i drew great comfort in my own belief which is that i am 100% certain they are in a happy happy place and not suffering in any way.
i hope you come through this ok . "big hugs to you"

kelle

Hi, OP
My heart really goes out to you. In 2005, I lost my mother and father within four weeks of each other and their anniversaries are around this time.
I gather from your post you are an only child. Do you have any aunts or cousins you can talk to? Only for my 3 wonderful aunts who I could phone and talk to any time of the day or night, I wouldn't have come as far as I have done. It sounds like you need to be looked after, rather than being the one doing the looking after.
I can really understand your frustration at being asked how your father is all the time, I don't know why people do this. People are always saying wrong things, they mean well but it's very frustrating.
Other posters here have recommended bereavement counselling, I (along with my lovely aunts) actually went to group bereavement meetings organised by my local church and it did me the world of good. Another relation of mine went to a bereavement counsellor and it didn't help her. Everybody is different, but I recommend the meetings I went to because I found I could really talk about my feelings, everybody else was in the same situation and understood me and I was happy to realise I wasn't the only one having the same thoughts. I spent a year going to these meetings and I know they've helped me enormously.
And here's a big hug from me too.

LegacyUser

I lost both of my children five years ago, at the time, I was like you, I rarely cried, I held it together almost too well, everyone said how strong I was but actually I think it was easier to put up a front rather than let people in.

Then, by the time it hit me, I felt it was too late to grieve, I felt that everyone around me seemed to have moved on and they wouldn't understand why I all of a sudden had broken down.

In November 07, It all fell apart for me, I couldn't cope with anything, I didn't sleep, cried at the slightest thing, I personally think I had a nervous breakdown, but people had stopped asking how I was or how I was coping so I kept it all inside.

Everyone told me to go to counseling but I was too scared, I ended up out of work for almost a year but am finally back to being myself again.

I think what I'm getting at (sorry for rambling) is that you should try to combat this grief early on, please get counseling, I wish now that I had done so as it would have meant I didn't get so sick, I suppose it's like having a headache, and not bothering to take tablets for it, and it gets worse and worse, whereas, had you just taken the pills in the first place you'd be better by now!

I hope you get through this, it must be so difficult to lost your mother at such a young age.

ruriod

my da died about 12 years ago. he had a long illness and was hospitalised. it nearly killed my mum, and she was in a bad way for a long time. they planned to relax for a few years after spending many years together bringing up a large family.

now she is a really together and relaxed person. my friends and my brothers' & sister's friends all like her a lot and comment on how 'cool' she is (she's in her 70's).

this is possible for ur da too, but u have to give him d time to get there himself. don't carry him as it will take him longer to get out of it, but do let him know that u love him, and will b der for him. even though ur parents didn't get on i hope u have some good memories of them both - remind him of these.

i would suggest that he has to come to terms with his loss in his own mind, and u can help. however try not to do too much for him as he'll only begin to feel guilty and even more helpless.

if u guys learn to talk with each other about ur mum ... well, talk really does heal grief, and it will keep the person who ur mum was alive in ur minds

i hope u & ur father can learn to deal with this. all the very best

LegacyUser

All,

Thank you so much for your replies. It really means alot that strangers would be so kind. All of you have had losses I'm so sorry. I've had a look at bereavement websites. It's as if typing that post unleashed something in me.

I still don't know what to do tho! But I don't feel as isolated having read your replies.

Bricriu

Sorry to hear about your trouble. Grief is a process, and most experts agree that your go through these steps in the process if you handle it in a healthy way: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Sadness and Acceptance.

The first step, Denial, we all know about: waking up in the morning thinking the person's death was a bad dream, expecting to see them in a crowd in town, etc. Nowadays, because of Americanisation of our culture, and distancing from death, we tend to 'move on' too fast, but that causes problems because the grief is not felt and processed. Yes, it's awfully painful, but the healthy human approach is to grieve, cry (bawl) and let it out.

The rituals round death, especially the religious ones, all have a function in easing us into the process, including the drinking at wakes and after funerals.

An ex-girlfriend (and friend) of mine died at Christmas 2007 and I cried every day for three weeks and I still do on occasion. I took out all the old photos and bawled; I left her photos round the place for some weeks, visited her grave and talked to her. I still carried on with my life/work, etc. Eight months passed before I didn't think about her every day, and now I look back on the good times.

There is group called Beginning Experience for people who have difficulty with grief (Google it). There are also some great books about grieving.

Incidentally, I'm a man.

Best of luck.

studiorat

My Mum died just over 10 years ago and I was in a similar situation to you. It was without doubt the single worst thing to happen to me.

People still ask me how my Dad is doing! Really! It's just a turn of phrase, they are concerned about you also and that's just a way of asking about things in general.

I too was cleaning the house and cutting the grass before and after the funeral, I still have not figured why that was, maybe trying to avoid what was actually happening.

Two years isn't really a long time to get over this IMO, and eventually you and your Dad and everybody else will find a new routine and dynamic in the family. In the end of the day it did draw us closer together I guess.

When you get a chance you should talk to him and anyone else about it, that you miss her. Don't sit him down and have a talk, just bring it up every now and again a little bit at a time is the way to get through this.

It wouldn't hurt to talk to someone about it really, a councilor or priest or friend, I didn't, if I was there again I would.

One thing though, if as you say you aren't sleeping, you really need to see someone about that. That's going to just make you ill and that's the last thing you need.

Anyway, this will work out it just takes time, I'm sure you've heard it before, but it's true. .
All the best.
'Rat

bettiedaviseyes

Heya,I rarely post on boards. With instances like this, I feel compelled to post on this. I lost my dad nearly six months ago even though he wasnt really sick. He was there one minute and gone the next, and being honest its really hard to accept this.
He died on a Monday and he was buried by Wednesday. It all went by so quick that it only hit me a few days later that he wasnt around and wasnt coming back. Now it is January and there are instances when I start crying for no paticular reason and thinking of him is incredibly sad.
I had just moved back in home anyway before he had died and it was like he moved out and I moved in, which is the way that my mam puts it.There are instances when I walk home after work when I see his car in the drive and for a moment, a thought pops into my head 'Dads home early' and then I remember. For brief moments I forget that he isnt here anymore and I still expect to see him coming in the door, or other things like that.
There is no surefire way to cope with loss that tremendous and personally I feel like a part of me is gone.I am saddened that I wil never see him again and everyone is always asking me too 'How is your mum coping' as well.That doesen't bother me at all but it is sometimes nice when people ask how you are as well.They ask about my mum because they worry more which is understandable because although I lost my dad, she lost the man she married,her life partner and her friend in one go.
I understand how you feel and hope this helps.
There are days when I barely cope but there are also days when I feel so lucky that I was able to call this man my dad and got to share at least 24 years with him.

Cateym

Thaedydal wrote: »

http://www.bereavementireland.org/

You seemed to have stepped into you mother's role in the house to keep things running.
You need to stop doing that and your Dad should start doing more around the house.
While you are rushing about caring for your Dad you have been distracted from your
own feelings and your grief process has been delayed.

This is excellent advice. My husband lost his mother a few months ago. He is dealing with it as well as he can but doesn't get home much. I have worries about my two sisters in law. The oldest especially. She doesn't live at home but is a similar situation to yourself. At the weekends she throws herself into looking after her dad. She is completely stressed out because of it but will hardly allow anyone help or maybe she thinks no-one can do it as well as she can. She had adopted the role of her mother in the household long before her mother's passing.

I worry that she is not taking any time to grieve and reading your post backs up my concern. While my husband and I will talk about mom almost daily, I don't think she is getting the same opportunity to talk. She does have a good friend though who lost her dad a couple of years back and I think she is helping her.

How do you get someone to do what you are suggesting Thaedydal? I don't have the type of relationship with my sister-in-law that I could suggest that she take a step back. I would quite likely get my head taken off for my trouble.

LegacyUser

I feel for you. lost my own mother recently. My view is that you have to look after yourself first. By all means help your father, but be kind to yourself also. Thats what I do. Be avilable when you want to be and when you feel able to be, but retreat when you have to, by being not around or doing something you want to do. And remember you dont have to be "on the go" all the time. Have some "me" time or do nothing sometimes. I havent gone for counselling, but reading and sleeping does it for me. My mothe spoke to me in a dream and this really comforted me.

LegacyUser

Hi All,

OP here. Just wanted to give you all an update. I spoke to my dad on Friday. it basically al came to a head. I cam in from work, house was an absolute mess (having been cleaned on Thursday) and i just lost it. I was screaming and bawling and think i scared him to be honest. Well anyway, it all came out. It was like hte beast was unleashed. We stayed up talking until 4am on Saturday. The upshot is he now knows what it's been like for me. He explained to the rest of my family that i'm feeling down (so I don't have to go through it all with them again). That was one positive step. Positive step number 2 is this morning I made a decision that I was going to see someone. I rang my local health care centre and they put me in touch with somebody. The somebody's receptionist just rang me back with an appointment for Friday.

I just want to say a big thank you for all your replies. It really means alot that strangers would take time out of their day to help me.

LegacyUser

Hello. I am so sorry for your loss. You have experienced one of life's terrible experiences so young. You probable feel you have to carry your dad as he is not coping too well. Try stepping back and tell him you are not coping yourself. You need his support too and this could be all he needs to hear. You come accross as a very strong person and your dad thinks you are his rock but we all have a breaking point and he needs to know you are only human and it sounds like you are ready now to grieve. You have taken over the role of you mum, keeping the family together. Family's need each other, let your dad know you need him. I have lost my fiancee in November following a two year battle with lung cancer. I was married for 25 years to an alcoholic and have 3 sons. I divorced him 5 years before I met my fiancee. God gave me a few years with my fiancee and we firmly believed he was going to win his battle with this terrible disease. I am lucky I have my sons and their wives to help me grieve but even though it is only three months since he died life has gone on for them and I have to put up a strong front. I still break down each day and I cry when I am on my own. I was made redundant in Nov too and the company I worked for were like family to me. When I needed time off it was not a problem. They went through the whole experience with me. I miss them too but I would not have been much use to them as For the first two months I went around the house like a zombie. I now have no longer fear of dying as I know I will met up with him again. Your mum is watching over you and when your time comes she will be waiting for you. There will be times when you will feel her around you. Talk to her and ask her to help you through each day. Cry when you feel like it and punch your pillow when you get angry. Let your feelings out. Right now my world has fallen apart but I know I will get it back together because it would be his wish that I do. All in its own time.