Why do I do that?

LegacyUser

I'm in my early twenties, attractive and out going but have real problems with relationships that I want to get help with.

Anybody that shows interest in me I end up totally shunning and end up making excused and repelling them. I reckon I've missed out on being happy with a few people that I really rated as a result of this.

Deep down I think I'm afraid to get too close to anyone, friends included. I like my space, I'm very quiet, I like to do what I do and not be judged by anybody for that. I think I fear anyone getting close might criticise the way I am and I couldn't cope with that. I take things to heart and if it were somebody close I'd take it to heart all the more.

I want to sort it out. I want to find someone but I'm the problem deep down. Does anyone else have similar problems? What could I do to help do you think? Is it a case of insecurity?

Salome

It's a fear of getting close to someone - I went through that for a while too. I had relationships with the wrong men, I think it was because I knew they weren't really that interested, it was just a physical thing so when they rejected me, which they ultimately did, I could say that I wasn't that interested in them either.

It's a funny thing though - suddenly it went away, I met someone who I really liked - the barrier came down and I let him in. Never looked back.

Perhaps seeing a councellor might help - I wish I had, would have saved me a few years of heartache!

anniehoo

Unregistered wrote: »

I'm in my early twenties, attractive and out going

but

wrote:

I'm very quiet

Are you putting on a front at the moment? Are you trying to be someone you're not! Theres nothing wrong with that, but try and be the real you, quiet or outgoing..nobody cares as long as its the real you Are you a people pleaser and trying to fit in with "the crowd"?

wrote:

have real problems with relationships that I want to get help with

.
Can you elaborate on what might be causing these problems?

,

wrote:

Is it a case of insecurity?

Yes, but this isnt a bad thing. I genuinely think everyone suffers from insecurity at some time or other or possibly all of the time. You have spotted your insecurities and want to change thats great but change only for yourself not anyone else. If you genuinely love your own company then brilliant but if not then there has to be an underlying story to cause relationship doubt!:p

cantdecide

I was like that too- a total loner. I spent ages not even liking to be touched. Nevertheless, for no reason at all i just eventually found it incredibly easy to be close with people. Start by being complimentary with others (and meaning it). Showing affection is often harder but definitely as or more rewarding than receiving it...

von Neumann

I think it boils down to low self esteem, and it effects people in defferent ways.

We've all seen it a some stage....

The person in work who won't go for promotion....

The person who avoid relationships....

The person who doesn't take care of themselves....

The person who won't take a holiday even though they have the cash...

It's all pretty deep rooted stuff.

LegacyUser

How do you boost self-esteem?

I can be the most confident person when I need to be. But sometimes I can't even walk down the street with my head up. I can be the life and soul of a party but then I can also be in the corner trying to hide.

In reality I like to be quiet and just say what needs be said. Some would consider that boring but that's me. I'm happy, easy goings, don't complain about much and like to see the bright side of life. But this is getting me down big time...

In a month's time I'm going to live away from home for the third time in as many years. It's starting to feel like I'm running away.

lunacyfoundme

Sounds like a self confidence issue. Youre probably pushing people away because you dont want to run the risk that the little self confidence you have in yourself to be shattered by a rejection from someone. Im the same really its a struggle to get around something thats buried that deep in your head. For example I find it easy and comfortable to talk to women Im not attracted to or have no chance with and very difficult and awkward to talk to available women that I like. Probably my subconcious trying to protect me from being rejected. I spend a lot of time on my own too and its good to be self reliant and enjoy your own company (nothing annoys me more than someone who says theyre so lonely cause theyve been single for like a month or something), but spending too much time on your own can make you bitter and angry. Like Salome says someday you could meet someone who makes you totally drop your guard and want to risk getting hurt. Until then youll just have to push yourself a little to try and get to someone.

cantdecide

If the swings are very bad, is it possible you're might be bi-polar??

Wibbs

OK I can see where you're coming from but bi polar is a bit of a stretch and in any case best if a doctor makes that call.

LegacyUser

Hi OP

I'm in the same situation but I'm female, and I have no problem opening up to friends, just being intimate with the opposite sex.
Like you I like my personal space, need a certain amount of time to myself or else I tend to feel smothered and can't think straight, and have pretty much always used this as an excuse for my seeming avoidance of relationships.
I do think it's a self esteem thing though. I see it as a way of protecting myself, from getting hurt, getting close to someone and then losing them...and that means that I don't think I'm ever truly 'out there' when it comes to meeting someone.
It gets old to be honest, and in a way it makes no sense to me as I am an otherwise well adjusted, social, outgoing, open, honest person...great friendships and all that, but this is nearly like a mental block for me.
I do think counselling would be a help, and I know it's hard to know where to start when it comes to changing your mindset, but something like online dating might not be a bad idea. It might just get you used to chatting to the opposite sex, people with similar interests, meeting up to see if there's anything there...might get you to see that dating is not that big a deal and being intimate with someone is not all that terrifying...

Hang in there, it'll happen for you and you'll look back and wonder what the hell it was you were so afraid of :-)

Me to you

Im was like that, i hated being too close to other people. I pushed best friends, good friends, old partners away in the drop of a hat when i thought they were getting to close. No thought to it, just closed up emotionally, pushed them away and never spoke to them again. Until i met they guy im with now, ive never loved or cared for anybody the way i care for him. I cant imagine not having him in my life, ever! I was never like that! You just havnt met the right guy for you, he'll come along and you wont be able to imagine not having him in your life. Sure sometimes i think if he left id be heartbroken but i'l worry bout that if i come to it, at the mo, theres no better feeling in the world than loving him. Your prince will come. You'll be fine, have fun while your waiting for Mr.Charming. Sorry guys if any of ye need to get the bucket out... :D