The one that got away?

LegacyUser

I'm just wondering if lots of people have 'what if' men/women in their past that they still think of, even years later? I've just had a really bad breakup with someone I thought was 'the one' (if such a thing exists) and although I am getting over the sadness about it, I do find myself still wondering what he is doing, and in a way secretly hoping we meet up down the line and things somehow magically fall into place for us. It's not a sentiment I think he shares!

Whilst everyone says I'll get over the breakup eventually, and I am on my way to that, I'm worried I'll miss him forever. We're not in contact anymore but I do have a job offer on the table which would mean our paths would much more likely cross in the future (and I am thinking I should reject the offer on that basis alone!).

Salome

I think we all have someone that we have regrets about losing. In my case, I only got over him about 6 months into my current relationship. I had been devastated that we finished, I ended it, but I was still grieving for him for months after. However, it's two years later. He got in touch about 3 months ago - obviously bored and lonely - and whilst it was a shock to hear from him again, I had no intention of going back there.

I guess what I'm trying to say is - if it's over, it's over. Move on, try and meet someone else.

If this person was right for you, it wouldn't have ended.

Wibbs

I can only speak for myself and say looking back I can see with time that maybe one or two that may have worked OK long term. For the most part no though. Indeed I can honestly say that while I would generally take a long time getting over one of the biggys, sooner or later in each case I I have come to the conclusion that, yes it was ok and what the hell was I thinking in equal measure.

Just to add and this is just my opinion, I see Salome was 6 months into a new relationship before she got over the previous. Personally I would not try to start something new with someone else before I was emotionally detached from the previous. That way lies rebound. Not always, but IMHO mostly, or at least the new thing gets off to a bad start. It's all too easy to use the new person as a replacement for the emotional gap left by the last one.

Date yes, have a bit of fun yes, but I would not be in any hurry to jump back into a relationship. Too many do and I've seen enough get into a conveyor belt of people, without resolving some of the issues on their side that could cause another relationship to fail.

AARRRGH

newlysingle wrote: »

I'm worried I'll miss him forever.

As each year passes, he will become a distant memory, until eventually you never think about him anymore.

Don't worry about it, time will work it's magic...

Karen_*

I think everyone feels like this when a relationsip ends OP. And we can't imagine that we'll ever even fancy someone else. Its why break ups hurt so much. We think its the end of everything and there's no future with anyone else. So the only way we can see of us finding love again is with the person we've just broke up with.

LegacyUser

Im of the opinion that an ex is an ex for a reason!!! When its over you move on. It not fair on a current partner who is with you and loves you if your still thinking about someone in the past......life goes on!

banshee_bones

Karen_* wrote: »

I think everyone feels like this when a relationsip ends OP. And we can't imagine that we'll ever even fancy someone else. Its why break ups hurt so much. We think its the end of everything and there's no future with anyone else. So the only way we can see of us finding love again is with the person we've just broke up with.

+1 x a million! Cannot stress this enough! and i genuinely think this is felt by more than a few. personal experience and from talking to close friends this is usually the case...

best of luck, hope time does work its magic

BB xx

Me to you

Time heals all wounds, in the mean time Ben and Jerrys will help the sting.

Little Miss Cutie

OP I was in a similiar frame of mind 3.5yrs ago. Was with a guy for 6yrs ended suddenly, thought he was the one and still did for about a year afterwards.

Then I met a guy, who is much nicer and has shown me what real love is, makes me realise that I was blinkered by love/lust/habit.

I know it is really difficult now but try give yourself time being single to be happy in yourself and then you will be in a much better frame of mind to meet someone else.

As for the job, I would take it if it's something you really want to do especially given how hard it is to get a job at the moment.

Salome

I see your point Wibbs but in my case, for reasons I won't get into now, it was 200% over so I wasn't harbouring hopes of going back so when I entered a new relationship, it wasn't a rebound thing for me but I certainly do get your point.

00112984

It's called a break-up cos it's broken.

My previous mantra.

cantdecide

I think it's okay to continue to love someone after they've gone. There aren't that many people in your life that you will truly love and even flawed relationships are unique and unforgettable IMO

panda100

newlysingle wrote: »

We're not in contact anymore but I do have a job offer on the table which would mean our paths would much more likely cross in the future (and I am thinking I should reject the offer on that basis alone!).

Only take this job If YOU really want to take it. Dont take it with the hope that it means you will see him again.

Im not going to give you any advice on 'the one that got away' because I often think of one guy I foolishly let slip away. But as others said here,these feelings do get less with time.

Liam Byrne

There's nothing wrong with wondering, or maybe even giving it a shot, as long as any issues which caused the initial break-up are out of the way.....if not, then you're looking at a "rinse & repeat" scenario, so if that's the case it's best avoided.

You also said it was a bad breakup - why so ? Was it one-sided, or did someone cheat, or did someone get nasty ? If so, can the injured party forgive and forget ? If that was you, you'll know; if the injured party was him, you won't know; that doesn't mean "rule it out", but it does mean you should go in with your eyes open.

The other thing I would wonder about is your username......if you're "newlysingle", then
are you just harking back to something from the past that "might have" been better ? Understandable (we all probably do it at some stage) but not the best time to have a clear head or heart.

Finally, re the job:

1) If it's what you want, don't skip it because of this
2) If it's maybe what you want, but he's a factor in either direction, try to look at it as if he weren't involved
3) If he's subconsciously part of the reason for taking it, forget it

Jobs are about job satisfaction, paying your bills and looking after your career; personal issues shouldn't sway you one way - or the other.

Best of luck!

AnonoBoy

The feelings do lessen with time but I think for a lot of people that are huge unanswered 'what ifs' about a previous partner.

I have had a few relationships that I would liked to have lasted longer but I can look back now and appreciate them for what they were - an enjoyable time for the time I was in.

However there is one that I still think about years later and wish I had done things differently and wonder what would have happened if we both had made different choices. But as the years go by I find it less painful to wonder these things and more melancholic and wistful I suppose.

I don't suppose you ever completely forget but I do think that in time you will cease to obsess.

LegacyUser

OP again here

It was a bad breakup (and I'm newlysingle) because it was such a protracted breakup - from when things started to go a bit wrong to when I finally ended it was a couple of months. There was someone else involved on his side, he swears nothing happened with her but the final incident was where he had to choose between her feelings and mine and he chose hers. I can't be much more specific (he lurks here!) but it's quite possible something was going on with her, even when he says there wasn't. Can I forgive him? I don't know. Half of me wants to so badly, the other half wonders how long it would be before this friend of his appears again, and if in the same situation he'd do the same thing. Whilst I cut all contact he's been asking mutual friends what I'm up to and called me a couple of weeks ago saying he wants to try again and will do 'anything' but I know him and this girl are as close as, if not closer than, they were before our split. He met her half way through our relationship so it's not as if they're friends from school and I'm the late arrival. As much as I think he may even want to change, I don't know that he can.

I feel like I will always miss him and that's the hard part. We had some great times together. Aside from his phonecall we don't talk, and I am about to change my number because I don't want him popping up every so often when I'm finally moving forward. The job issue is the biggest problem facing me now. I know I should disregard him totally but part of me is still hoping, as crazy as that sounds. Hopefully the recession will take the decision out of my hands.

LegacyUser

I do I lost my gf due to various reason, she was crazy about me since the first day she met, I used her at first for about a year on and off didn't like her at all then we had no contact for 1-2 years. Then we got with each other for nearlly 2 years and I fell mad in love with her she could make me cry and all and I don't cry over girls. But she dumped me cause I wouldn't get a job just to kinda scare me, but then she heard I cheated on her so she cheated on me with her ex. BUT I DIDN'T cheat on her. so it put me off her big time for listening to someone elses word and not mine.

Can girls please tell me how important it is to have a job at 21, I have big aspirations like, i'm good looking youngland, good in bed, I just didn't have money like her ex, wasn't even on social welfare.

She wasn't a gold-digger at all she said I just won't change.

Would you break up with me cause of that if ya loved (she did when we broke up) she was real depressed but wouldn't give in like 2-3 other times.

Please comment I hate thinking about this story I still kinda love her but am comfortable knowing she has a new ugly rebound boyfriend lol. I haven't been with a girl at all.

Not worth making my own point, so please comment, girls especially...

Salome

Unregistered wrote: »

I do I lost my gf due to various reason, she was crazy about me since the first day she met, I used her at first for about a year on and off didn't like her at all then we had no contact for 1-2 years. Then we got with each other for nearlly 2 years and I fell mad in love with her she could make me cry and all and I don't cry over girls. But she dumped me cause I wouldn't get a job just to kinda scare me, but then she heard I cheated on her so she cheated on me with her ex. BUT I DIDN'T cheat on her. so it put me off her big time for listening to someone elses word and not mine.

Can girls please tell me how important it is to have a job at 21, I have big aspirations like, i'm good looking youngland, good in bed, I just didn't have money like her ex, wasn't even on social welfare.

She wasn't a gold-digger at all she said I just won't change.

Would you break up with me cause of that if ya loved (she did when we broke up) she was real depressed but wouldn't give in like 2-3 other times.

Please comment I hate thinking about this story I still kinda love her but am comfortable knowing she has a new ugly rebound boyfriend lol. I haven't been with a girl at all.

Not worth making my own point, so please comment, girls especially...

In my own opinion, I don't care what my man does for a living, once he's got the self-respect to want to get out there and earn his way. I want to know that when we get married, that we have a real partnership - both of us working and contributing to our home is important to us. If working isn't important to you, you have little self respect or you're lazy - hardly attractive in a man.