No intention of getting married... should she know?

sobriety

Ever since I was a kid I always wanted to meet the right girl and get married. Even in my early and mid-20's I held onto this dream, and would quite happily have married young if I met the right person, where everything clicked.

Now I'm nearly 29 and after three years with my gf, I can safely say I am 99% sure I won't marry her. I think I've given up on the notion of us getting married after all of the ups and downs I've gone through in this relationship... my partner has run into various difficulties and it has made me think twice about marriage. She's had all sorts of issues with her family, self-esteem, tension, worry, fear and now anorexia (with it's friend depression)... it's been hard for me at times but I've stuck with her. I've given up on trying to "fix" her problems - it drains my life force and only puts pressure on her. I thought eventually she would "see the light" and realise what a wonderful person she is, and what a wonderful life she can lead... I've tried to convince her, but she can't see it and I just give up...

But all of these things that have happened... they have made me realise that I do not EVER want to marry and have kids with my girlfriend. I've given up on my dream now... I don't want us, as a couple, to bring kids with major issues into the world. I've seen it happen enough times with other families, and I don't want to be a part of that.

Yet I'm still with her because I do like her, we've been through a lot, and I like the company. It's a long distance relationship (weekends) for 9 months of the year and it's good to have someone to spend weekends with. I get lonely. Also, I never thought I would have a girl as physically attractive as her, and the sex is beyond words. I realise the chances of me meeting someone else who lives up to all my requirements sexually and physically would be pretty small... I'm fussy.

Sometimes I wonder where we'll end up. All I know right now is that I don't want marriage, even though everyone else our age is talking about it. Sometimes that makes me very sad... In truth, I just don't want divorce in my late 30's, and ruining my life and my kids lives... cos I don't think I will spend the rest of my life with her, and it would possibly end up in divorce (if I listen to my heart, I don't think she will change enough for me to want to stay with her for all time).

But it's nice for now... and maybe she will surprise me. She seems to be trying hard at the moment to conquer her issues.

The first question you will undoubtedly ask me is "do you love her". My answer is yes, but I feel my love has "changed" a lot and .... it's difficult to describe. Sometimes I think I love her in the same way I love my family or my friends. Things are complicated. Yet we also have a very intimate relationship physically.

Any advise appreciated:)

biko

Tricky one, you can see yourself married, just not to her?
Have the two of you discussed marriage?

Liam Byrne

Two ways of looking at this, and it depends on your answer to this question:

I won't marry her

I do not EVER want to marry and have kids with my girlfriend

If it's "I never want to get married AT ALL", then it's a different issue to "I don't want to marry her".

If it's the first, you might need to tell her at some stage, but 9 months of weekends ain't exactly a long-term relationship in one way. If it's the second, then you've "given up" on her, not marraige per se.

I noticed that you're also combining marraige + kids......is it one or both that you're against ?

I don't want us, as a couple, to bring kids with major issues into the world

Therefore, could you marry her and have that part, but avoid the kids ?

What I'm asking is basically, what EXACTLY are you against ? You're grouping a few things together.

But before you do/say anything, did you see the episode of Scrubs where JD was freaking out about the "That's So Funny" girl, and when he mentioned long-term things SHE was the one that freaked out ?

Be careful what you wish for, and if you say something remember there might be no going back...

Best of luck!

Madame Razz

Aren't you just so considerate????:rolleyes:

I think that's perhaps the most selfish post i've ever read on here.

What about your girlfriend in all of this??

How long will 'being nice' suffice for you??

Hows about you be a man and face up to the truth.

You see no future with this girl so stop leading her on.

You need to wake up, grow up, and cop on and start being honest, with her and with yourself.

Stop living a lie, sure you may have a nice trinket on your arm but it is no longer fulfilling you, or your real needs.

It's time to be true to yourself and actually show your girlfriend some respect, and stop living a lie.

MassDeb8r

Dude you have to be honest with yourself and the girl, if you don't see yourself marrying the girl and having kids that's fine but if she thinks you are going to then you need to end it. You are in a tricky place and I feel for you but it's best to to whats right, you have to think of what she wants too, i think a heart to heart would be a good idea but it's a very very tough call.

MagicMarker

Dude, it's time to face the music!

You don't love her, you ''like'' her.
You don't want to spend the rest of your life with her.
You don't want to marry her.
You don't want kids with her.

All you want is a quick shag at the weekends and a trophy on your arm. Do the girl a favour and let her find someone who'll actually want to be with her, and not just use her as a security blanket.

Karen_*

You can't keep stringing the girl along any longer OP just because you like the company and you don't think anyone else can fulfill you sexually. Thats just using someone. So taking your wants and needs out of the equation there isn't really anything left. Split up IMO

sobriety

We've been together 3 years, as stated in my post. I think that is long term?

I want marriage, and I want kids. I really do. I absolutely love kids and have 6 nieces/nephews.

I just don't think she is the right person to do it with. She is very unstable...So I feel like I'm giving up on the idea for now...

biko

In that case you should probably break it off with her. 3 years is a long time but people break up after longer than that.

Hopefully you'll find happiness with someone else, hopefully she will too.

Disclaimer, this is the opinions of the people from the internet, based on what you have written in your post. There is probably more to it than that, don't do anything rash.

Karen_*

Well you're both entitled to lead the lives you want to lead. Don't keep her as a security blanket until the right person comes along. Its not fair on you or her and you don't want to wreck someones life just to feather your own nest, you really don't.

sobriety

Karen_* wrote: »

You can't keep stringing the girl along any longer OP just because you like the company and you don't think anyone else can fulfill you sexually. Thats just using someone. So taking your wants and needs out of the equation there isn't really anything left. Split up IMO

But there is always the chance she will change... all I want is someone who knows how to chill out, doesn't worry so much, and has a laugh as much as possible.

That really is ALL I want right now. And she didn't fulfill those things in the past but is currently fighting her battle, and may win. I want to give her one more chance...

Madame Razz

sobriety wrote: »

We've been together 3 years, as stated in my post. I think that is long term?

I want marriage, and I want kids. I really do. I absolutely love kids and have 6 nieces/nephews.

I just don't think she is the right person to do it with. She is very unstable...So I feel like I'm giving up on the idea for now...

Then why on earth are you continuing this relationship??

Surely if marriage and kids are what you really want, but not with this person, you should be out there looking for your life partner, as opposed to stringing this woman along?

Methinks you have answered your own question in your above post.

Stop wanting to have your cake and eat it too, cos it seems like this ain't the cake for you at all.

And it's not fair on the cake.

MagicMarker

sobriety wrote: »

But there is always the chance she will change... all I want is someone who knows how to chill out, doesn't worry so much, and has a laugh as much as possible.

That really is ALL I want right now. And she didn't fulfill those things in the past but is currently fighting her battle, and may win. I want to give her one more chance...

Judging by your previous threads, this has been a problem for the majority of your relationship.

Something tells me you've wanted to break up for a long time, but you've been afraid to in case you hurt her feelings.

Well, how has that worked out for you so far?

sobriety

Karen_* wrote: »

Well you're both entitled to lead the lives you want to lead. Don't keep her as a security blanket until the right person comes along. Its not fair on you or her and you don't want to wreck someones life just to feather your own nest, you really don't.

You are really making me think about things more... that is good.

Thanks for that honest advice...really. I'm going away now for a weekend with my girl abroad. I don't think we will have that "chat" for a while...

Is she can beat her anorexia it will be a step in the right direction. Although I always have fears of it surfacing in the future... if we had kids, it would be a very bad thing in their lives to see her suffering the way I do...

Karen_*

sobriety wrote: »

But there is always the chance she will change... all I want is someone who knows how to chill out, doesn't worry so much, and has a laugh as much as possible.

You want a different girlfriend. And the one you have at the moment has to change for her and not for you. She's a great girl but she's probably someone elses great girl. Let her get on with her life. One more chance never works. If she was going to change she'd have changed already, she can't be someone she's not. Let her go.

Its up to you OP and I do understand that its hard to let someone go and its tough getting back out there. Fear is crippling but the only way past it is through it.

sobriety

MagicMarker wrote: »

Judging by your previous threads, this has been a problem for the majority of your relationship.

Somebody has been conducting a history check on me!

Yes, I've struggled with the issues for a long time...

And you have no idea how many anonynmous posts I've put on this forum.. if you were to add them all up, it would be a LOT.. then you'd probably tell me I was trying too hard...:o

Madame Razz

But your wanting to marry her or not shouldn't be conditional.

surely you should want to be with this person, regardless of whatever issues that are present and how difficult they are.

You have said that you don't want to marry this girl, and you don't see a way through the tough times.

Life partners usually DO see a way through the tough times, in fact they support each other.

I think this ship has well and truly sailed.......

sobriety

Karen_* wrote: »

You want a different girlfriend. And the one you have at the moment has to change for her and not for you. She's a great girl but she's probably someone elses great girl. Let her get on with her life. One more chance never works. If she was going to change she'd have changed already, she can't be someone she's not. Let her go.

Its up to you OP and I do understand that its hard to let someone go and its tough getting back out there. Fear is crippling but the only way past it is through it.

Thanks again Karen...

You have no idea how hard it is to put your advice into action though

So many times I've been on the verge,... but she always senses it[somehow], and does something radical to show me she means business... and keeps me going another while. I chicken out and I doubt my choice...

Karen_*

sobriety wrote: »

Thanks again Karen...

You have no idea how hard it is to put your advice into action though

Oh I do know;)

If you don't mind my saying Op and I'm trying to be constructive here you do seem to have an air of superiority when talking about your girlfriend and its like she's a child trying to please authority. I had a quick look at your previous threads. Moving forward in your life could be helped by taking a look at what you yourself need to change? And I do think you will be doing both of you a favour by ending this relationship. It doesn't sound the healthiest and probably isn't helping your girlfriends mental issues. You could be helping her greatly by letting her go. My opinion for what its worth:)

partyguinness

I was in a similar position (although without the difficulties you have had)

My g/friend (now ex) was 5 years older..and we went out for 2 yrs. When we broke up she was 33 and I was 28.

I always knew I wlndt marry her. She was great, a brilliant g/friend and in a lot of ways we were perfect together.

But I was not going to marry her. I suppose my feelings were not that deep..it was great fun and I was mad about her but I just knew.

So anyway I had to finish as it was unfair of me to string her along. I made up this bull**** excuse about having to move to Dublin etc and how it wldnt work..(I know it was dishonest but it was the best I could do to spare her feelings as she would not have seen it coming..we got along perfectly). To be fair the excuse worked and she handled it alot better thinking that I had to move to Dublin for work.

Like your g/friend she fully expected us to get married..which made it all the more vital I finished at and to allow her to meet someone else.

OP- you must do the same. Let her go, for her sake at least.

pwd

You need to talk to her and tell her how thing stand and discuss things. I'm sure it's not something she wants to hear but it's better than dumping her out of the blue - or staying in a relationship if you don't want to be in it - or her (possibly) continuing to believe in a future with you and her marrying and having kids if it's probably not going to happen. You need to resolve your issues or finish things in a way that gives you both closure.

Salome

sobriety wrote: »

We've been together 3 years, as stated in my post. I think that is long term?

I want marriage, and I want kids. I really do. I absolutely love kids and have 6 nieces/nephews.

I just don't think she is the right person to do it with. She is very unstable...So I feel like I'm giving up on the idea for now...

If she's not the one you see yourself growing old with, watching your children grow up and all that goes with it - end it. Don't string her along, it's not fair on her.

Peewee_lane

Hi Op,

Its great that you can get this down in writing, but I would suggest getting some time to yourself and doing a pros and cons list, life with your girlfriend and life without.

Things like the issues your girlfriend has can put a strain on a relationship but putting the shoe on the other foot, say you had these issues, what do you think she would be thinking?

If you still feel like its going no-where, Id advise you to draw out on a little piece of paper where you want to be and stick to it.

Iago

sobriety wrote: »

Thanks again Karen...

You have no idea how hard it is to put your advice into action though

So many times I've been on the verge,... but she always senses it[somehow], and does something radical to show me she means business... and keeps me going another while. I chicken out and I doubt my choice...

This is going to be fairly blunt but it has to be said.

Going on the basis of your posts on this and other threads to date you're a coward whose insecurity and selfishness is clear to see.

Consider this, maybe some of her issues are directly related to you.

Maybe you put her under pressure and she can't cope with it.

Maybe for as long as you're willing to stay in the relationship and be a crutch she'll never get better.

Maybe she knows you're only staying with her for sex and is so insecure in herself that she accepts that but has no will to make any improvement.

If you were any sort of a man at all you'd end the relationship, let her get back on her feet and find herself and if appropriate at some later stage help her get through her problems as a friend.

Even when you're trying to justify yourself it's all about what you want, give her "one more chance" to be what you want, not better just what you want.

Just end it and move on.

starchild

perhaps you yourself are not ready for marriage yet

its possible that after 3 years with your g/f if marriage is not being discussed she also has no interest in marrying you

my opinion: imagine your life without her that should give you your answer

Cateym

sobriety wrote: »

But there is always the chance she will change... all I want is someone who knows how to chill out, doesn't worry so much, and has a laugh as much as possible.

That really is ALL I want right now. And she didn't fulfill those things in the past but is currently fighting her battle, and may win. I want to give her one more chance...

I went out with a guy for three years thinking he would 'change' he never did. Waste of my time and his. She is very unlikely to become the person you want her to be. So best thing to do is end it.

LegacyUser

So many times I've been on the verge,... but she always senses it[somehow], and does something radical to show me she means business... and keeps me going another while. I chicken out and I doubt my choice..

She always senses it and then does something radical to show she means business.

Well, that tells me one thing, she can change when she wants to, but she doesnt have to because you are enabling her by giving her the attention she craves.

In other words (I am going to get slated for this but I dont care its the truth) -she enjoys the attention and a lot of these so called issues and problems she has are voluntary.

Anorexia is a "problem" of women in the developed world who have nothing better to do than create problems to draw attention to themselves. I should know I had it. I have grown up now and realise the world no longer revolves around me and my "pain" -self manufactured pain.

She sounds high maintenance and I am not suprised you arent up prepared to invest long term in her. Why would you...?

She is not going to change at this late stage, especially while you are enabling her.

You have your own problems, you need to look at why you have deliberately picked a woman with all this complication. You need to get a set of balls and look at it honestly.

Shes great in the sack, so what, so are 2 or 3 out of 10 people.....thats not a good reason to hold onto someone, its very selfish actually if she is expecting more.

I suggest you split up and move on, what you are doing to her is dishonest and selfish. Let her go.

A word to the wise though, there could be all kinds of suicide threats and histrionics, be prepared for that, goes with the territory.

Lollipops23

Madame Razz wrote: »

Aren't you just so considerate????:rolleyes:

I think that's perhaps the most selfish post i've ever read on here.

clearly you've never been in a relationship with a self-destructive person.no matter how much you love them and try to "fix" them,it's exhausting. you can keep on giving and giving but it won't help.

OP i reckon it's time to call it a day on this relationship.you say you "like" her; that's not enough.to marry someone and have babies you need to love them.it's not fair on either of you to carry on like this.

partyguinness

OP- Has she been receiving professional help at any stage?

Listen to Post 27 above. I was thinking the same thing if you broke up i.e. histrioics, drama, late night calls and text messages, lots of crying and suicide bids..its all attention seeking

But thats very much getting ahead of ourselves...thats only potential but I have plenty of mates who went through the same thing with exs..one wld try to chock hersels...

hot2def

Madame Razz wrote: »

Aren't you just so considerate????:rolleyes:

I think that's perhaps the most selfish post i've ever read on here.

What about your girlfriend in all of this??

How long will 'being nice' suffice for you??

Hows about you be a man and face up to the truth.

You see no future with this girl so stop leading her on.

You need to wake up, grow up, and cop on and start being honest, with her and with yourself.

Stop living a lie, sure you may have a nice trinket on your arm but it is no longer fulfilling you, or your real needs.

It's time to be true to yourself and actually show your girlfriend some respect, and stop living a lie.

^^^
real talk

laura l

we all seem to be in the picture about your lukewarm feelings for your girlfriend, except her, of course.

if you do actually care about her as you say you do, please make your feelings clear to her that you do not see a future with her and want to finish the relationship. No "are you ok?" or "how are you doing" texts/phonecalls to make yourself feel better about it in the following weeks, which are just unhelpful.

Please stop wasting this girl's time so that she can find someone who will be decisive about her and she can get on with her life instead of stuck in a rut with someone who is clearly sending out mixed signals.

implausible

Look man, it sounds like you are doing a disservice to two people here - your girlfriend and yourself.

You are effectively stringing her along and allowing her to be dependent on you. If this continues, you'll end up wasting her time and not giving her a chance to meet someone else. She will be far more upset and bitter then, than if you make the break now. Being apart from you may be just the thing she needs. If you stay together, she will continue this pattern of dependency and will not thank you for it.

You are committing yourself to a relationship which lacks the ingredients you dream of. You love the person she could be, but eventually the disappointments will wear you down and you'll end up resenting her, for not being that person, for denying you a family and for never getting the chance to meet someone else.

I know this is all negative and it may be a worse-case scenario, but you need to ask yourself if this is what you want.

Good luck

LegacyUser

Going through your posts I observe the following

You are both quite inexperienced in love matters. Novices.

You are quite full of yourself although you like to cultivate an image of being quite humble.
This doesn't quite succeed. You play the ingenue "x, y, z happened....could my girlfriend be......jealous?" -when you know quite well you have manipulated the given situation to ensure she is.

The reason?

You enjoy her jealously, dependancy, discomfort and clingyness.....you carefully manufacture situations which encourage it, you feed off this, why? To feed your own low self esteem.

Your girlfriend is quite nuerotic and due to a low self esteem has become fixated on you. She mistakenly believes she cannot do better.
This belief is due to inexperience and will dissolve over time as she gains more experience, so you my friend are on a clock.

The whole dynamic is not too uncommon, you are both interdependant.

Relationships like this dont last forever, they can only flourish in the ignorance of youth, she will wise up to you and blossom and move on.

You will spend the rest of your life trying to get other girls to emulate the adoration this one gives you. I dont think you will succeed, you are losing your hair.

loloray

OP I think you already know the answer yourself.

iguana

I think some people have been seriously hard on the OP. It sounds to me as if he did love this woman but her problems have killed that love. However he still cares about her and is having a hard time making the decision to end things. Especially as he fears the ending of their relationship could exacerbate her problems.

As Lollipops23 has said loving a self-destructive person is exhausting. Because the fact of the matter is that their destructive tendencies can have an equally negative impact on those who love them.

OP, it does sound as if you need to end this relationship, and to end it quite firmly. There will never be a good time to end it, but the sooner you do it, the better. I don't envy you your decision and the next few weeks/months but the sooner this relationship ends the sooner you can both move forward.

Mistika

Looks like you have already figured out your problem.. I mean you answered your question. If you don't want to be with your girlfriend this basically means you have to end up this relationship. Of course it's easier to say than to do, particularly after a long time spent together. But if you see no way out and realise she's not a right person, so what's the point carrying on a relationship which actually goes nowhere. I think it's kind of waste of time.

alannologo

thats not true treat her like a car ya know use her untill a better one is available and in your reach , Many men make the same mistake of breaking ties with Guarented sex and then have no option's for thier drunkin state on a saturday night .

mutualismo

Unregistered wrote: »

You have your own problems, you need to look at why you have deliberately picked a woman with all this complication.

This is the real question, in my opinion.

Wibbs

Unregistered wrote: »

Going through your posts I observe the following

You are both quite inexperienced in love matters. Novices.

You are quite full of yourself although you like to cultivate an image of being quite humble.
This doesn't quite succeed. You play the ingenue "x, y, z happened....could my girlfriend be......jealous?" -when you know quite well you have manipulated the given situation to ensure she is.

The reason?

You enjoy her jealously, dependancy, discomfort and clingyness.....you carefully manufacture situations which encourage it, you feed off this, why? To feed your own low self esteem.

Your girlfriend is quite nuerotic and due to a low self esteem has become fixated on you. She mistakenly believes she cannot do better.
This belief is due to inexperience and will dissolve over time as she gains more experience, so you my friend are on a clock.

The whole dynamic is not too uncommon, you are both interdependant.

Relationships like this dont last forever, they can only flourish in the ignorance of youth, she will wise up to you and blossom and move on.

+1. I'd tend to agree with a lot of this actually. Especially the bit about interdependence. I've seen this one before more than once. Though as for her blossoming, it's possible or she may just change neurosises. Or she'll just get better at covering them up. I also agree he's on the clock.

While I agree with iguana that people are being overly harsh on the OP, there is a pair of them in it. As unreg wrote, he's getting something out of this or he would have walked. I've done kinda similar in my past, where I got an ego buzz from "helping" neurotic or insecure types. Very very stupid on my part. Best case it worked, but they always move on as while they may be grateful for the support they don't want to be reminded of the person they were. Or they moved on to another and repeated the same mistakes again.

The OP needs to sit down and really look at himself, not her. Look to why he is still around. "I love/fancy/shag/like her" is not an explanation. More like an excuse. Look to yourself first and see where your insecurities lay. More to the point look to see where maybe your self centered and ego boost behavior is coming from. Interdependency is a kind of feedback loop. When I did the "I'll help you" stuff, I got an ego boost from it, but in every single case I neglected the one person who needed help and focus. Me. No relationship can be healthily sustained with a dynamic like that. From what you've posted here I may have been unwise at the time, but it was not to same degree.

dyl10

It sounds like the OP has had a lot to deal with and has been worn down by his girlfriend's issues. No doubt he has his own, as does everyone.

In my opinion, it would be very difficult for the OP to be as enthusiastic about the relationship after all he's had to deal with(assuming what he has said is true).

At the end of the day, you should probably just tell her how you feel and maybe have another go at it. It sounds like you've given a lot, maybe she needs to realise that. As people have said before, work out what you want!

On the other hand, you could be a completely selfish person, but I'm not going to know that either way.

estar

your girlfriend will never be truly happy until she conquers her issues on her own. you can't fix her, save her, make her better.

in fact you are an enabler, making her worse, by smoothing her life, and stopping her facing the consequences of her behaviour on her own. the kindest thing we can ever do is be honest. its easier to lie, and bob along.

its harder to be honest when required.

you should break up with this woman, and regain your own wellbeing as it sounds like the relationship has changed and damaged you as a person.

i would closely examine why you stayed so long with her so you dont find yourself in another co-dependant relationship. fixing the person boosts how you feel about yourself. playing god, saving them, having them need you so much feeds into your own ego.

no relationship with problems is all about one persons problems. its about your combination together being a bad thing for both of you. you arent good for her at all. you might think you are. but together you are not a good combo.

she needs professional help and friends. you need to find someone who doesnt need saving and who is your equal and with whom the two of you are greater than the sum of your parts.

estar

i have also read your previous posts. and you come across as someone with work to do on self esteem also. instead of focusing on your girlfriend break up with her and focus on your own issues. you will be far happier. work on accepting and knowing yourself and liking yourself as you are.

sometimes in our need to feel ok, we find someone else and point at them and say - as long as i am better than they are - i am ok. i am ok because i can help this person. when in fact we are crying out for help ourselves. you are far from the first person to do this. sure why are half of us reading boards!!!!

good luck and listen to all the advice posted.

sobriety

iguana wrote: »

I think some people have been seriously hard on the OP. It sounds to me as if he did love this woman but her problems have killed that love. However he still cares about her and is having a hard time making the decision to end things. Especially as he fears the ending of their relationship could exacerbate her problems.

As Lollipops23 has said loving a self-destructive person is exhausting. Because the fact of the matter is that their destructive tendencies can have an equally negative impact on those who love them.

OP, it does sound as if you need to end this relationship, and to end it quite firmly. There will never be a good time to end it, but the sooner you do it, the better. I don't envy you your decision and the next few weeks/months but the sooner this relationship ends the sooner you can both move forward.

Don't worry iguana, there are a lot of posters here who I just choose to ignore. They wade in with their "hard" comments and knee jerk reactions, and have about as much tact as a bear on acid. Most are probably teens or early 20s, and haven't been in the kind of relationship I am in (and may never be). Sometimes I wonder why they can't just read a post and say "I don't think I'm in a position to give advice on this, or have enough experience" or "I don't see where this person is coming from so I will not give advice"... instead of getting angry, being downright rude and posting their "advice". Oh well. They will gain wisdom over the years... but a little more consideration wouldn't go astray as you are dealing with people feelings here, not a computer game!

What you have said is exactly right though. Hard times can wear away the love you have for someone. It gets eroded gradually and resentment come in somehow. You don't notice it coming, it's little by little.

dyl10 wrote: »

It sounds like the OP has had a lot to deal with and has been worn down by his girlfriend's issues. No doubt he has his own, as does everyone.

In my opinion, it would be very difficult for the OP to be as enthusiastic about the relationship after all he's had to deal with(assuming what he has said is true).

At the end of the day, you should probably just tell her how you feel and maybe have another go at it. It sounds like you've given a lot, maybe she needs to realise that. As people have said before, work out what you want!

I'm doing exactly this. She understands everything, and she knows I've given all I can. That's why she is doing her best now, and is getting lots of professional help. This weekend we had a lovely time and it actually rekindled my love for her big time... it felt like we were back in the place where our relationship should be, and no outside influences were interfering and getting in the way (such as the eating disorder, or other worries). This is why I am giving it another chance one last time. Even though the last time was my last time also, and we had a really hard christmas. I feel like we've invested too much to let it all go right now.

I don't want someone who depends on me, and I don't want any of those kinds of ego boosts, I am quite happy with myself as I am. I want her to be happy and independant. What is making me unsure sometimes is when she IS dependant on me, and is clingy. ... just to be clear.

We have had lots of chats over the years and now a lot of stuff doesn't even need to be said anymore. And this is obvious after her recent attepmpts to really just relax and enjoy our relationship...

sobriety

By the way, we just had a really nice weekend away and it all went without any issues or upset, or stressing or crying... it made me realise; she is the girl I want to stay with. If only she could leave the baggage behind and always be the happy positive person who I know she can be. We can be really good together, but we just need to keep it simple.

I don't know how I will take it if this turns out to be another "forced" change, and she ends up going back to her old ways. I said before I couldn't take any more relapses so this time she better mean business!

Note to the haters: I spent 2.5 years with the focus on her, making her happy, giving her everything, showing her how much I love her, encouraging her to enjoy life and let go more, to see her friends more, do her own thing more, accepting all her issues and it was hard sometimes. Now I am focusing on ME. If you don't like that, or think it's somehow "egocentric" or whatever, then you can just crawl back into your bear hole and take some more acid!