Engagement question

LegacyUser

Hello all,

Regular reader and poster to these parts but I've changed my login for this question incase the other person who this is about reads this.

Am mid 30's have been seeing a girl for a year and a bit (we knew each other for a year or two before we got together).

Am thinking about popping the question shortly.

My questions is, I have a mortage on my own (as does she), i've just finished repaying a heap of debt, work is going OK but like everyone at the moment who knows what might happen next week, next month etc etc so i'm trying to build a nest egg should the worst happen, my problem is is that I'm thinking that I can't afford a pricey ring.

She is in no way materalistic (one of her qualities) but i'm embarassed to admit that I don't have a heap of cash in the bank (she probably knows anyway but still).

I'd prefer not to borrow to buy it (having just cleared all my credit card debts) but I don't know how to tell her.

What do people think?

metrovelvet

Take a cheap flight to Eastern europe and buy it there. Much cheaper. Or you could buy a russian cubic zirconia.

LegacyUser

argos ring and fancy box.. am i a genius or wot?

uberwolf

You're asking her to marry you, not whether she's a magpie. So what if there's no shiny thing? Diamonds are pure marketing hype, artificially inflated price by dominant suppliers and quality marketing. Sure, the sentiment you'd be trying to communicate is applaudable, but she's not in it for that.
You send like you've struggled with money, and wait till you get to seeing how expensive a wedding day can get! Propose, and see how that goes if she breaks up with you because the ring doesn't refract from 37 angles - you have the answer anyway.

A lot of people have starter rings that get upgraded if needs be, but my opinion of a woman (and I've heard of a few), who decide they need upgraded engagement rings after years of marriage, would be fairly low!

Good luck

Silverfish

Any girl who's worth her salt won't care about the value of the ring, or even if there is a ring at all.

She doesn't sound like the type to care, sounds like she's stands on her own two feet.

If you NEED to propose with a ring, just buy one you can easily and comfortably afford. Most people would feel like crap to wear an expensive ring while their other half struggles to pay it off.

LegacyUser

Silverfish wrote: »

She doesn't sound like the type to care, sounds like she's stands on her own two feet.

She wouldn't and thats part of the reason why I love her, but I still feel a bit ****ty about not being able to buy her something pricey (as stupid as that sounds).

We agree about the whole wedding day madness, spending godknows on one day and that it is stupid.

Thanks to everyone of the advice, its sort of what I was thinking but just needed others opinions.

St Bill

Personally, I think it's terrible that some men feel under societal pressure to get an expensive engagement ring for their girlfriend.
OP, if you feel bad about not being able to get her an expensive ring, maybe you can compensate by proposing to her in a really original way? The original way to do it? That's the 64000 dollar question
Ooh just that of a rhyme....Times are tough, It's hard to buy stuff, But here's your diamond in the rough

ladyella

If you love her enough to want to marry her and to think she wants to be married to you, thats the most important thing. Feeling 's****y about not being able to spend a small fortune on something that is essentially a token of intention is something you have to get your own head around before you do it though. Go out, give a jeweller your price range and then choose something you love within that range - chances are she'll love it as much as you do coz she'll know you put time, thought and effort into it... good luck

banshee_bones

Dont be worrying, as previous posters have said pick something beautiful that you can afford thats in her taste and im sure she will love it.

I know if it was me, I wouldnt care about the ring,or how in-expensive it was but if i knew that it had put my OH in debt or robbed him of his nest egg that would make me feel very very uncomfortable.

IMO its more about the person you want to share the rest of your life with...

Best of luck! BB

LegacyUser

one) if she likes you she'll say yes and won't care about the ring

two) what kind of girl thinks or gives a damn about how big the ring is? And if she's concerned it only shows up how shallow she is...

three) Having been out with girls who demand/want/desire/covet big rings to show off to their friends, and girls who don;t care about that bull ****, I know which I'd rather be engaged to.

That Girl..

Definitely go for it and do not be worrying about the price of the ring.. You can get some gorgeous rings for any price these days and i'm sure she will appreciate it just as much..

If it means that much to you maybe in a few years when things pick up buy her a new ring but i honestly wouldn't be worrying about it now..

She'll be over the moon..

Asiaprod

My wife still has not got her ring, and we are happily married 20 years.
Its not about a ring, its about love:) Work it out together.

jessbeth

The ring is only a symbol and no girl with any self respect would care about the price of the ring. If she really loves you she will marry you even without the ring. What you could do is check some of the antique shops, they often have lovely and unusual rings for real decent prices, get it cleaned up and then you would have a lovely ring that not everybody has.

Storm_rages

Hi Op,

here is another idea, why not look at buying at auction, the rings are much cheaper. That is where i got my ring, and we got it about a third of what it would have cost in a shop. And the really nice thing is its different then everyone else ring, (i have a coloured stone around a diamond) I love it.

littlemisspiggy

Just my two cents' worth - I'm with my bf for 5 years and we are now 26 & 28 years old. We've talked about marriage so I presume (and hope) that a proposal is on the cards in the next year or two so I've recently been thinking about the subject.

Anyway - about the ring - I would feel terrible using my bf's saving for a ring. I love rubies, plus it's my birthstone and my nickname is Ruby, so I'm going to ask for one of them with a smaller pretend diamond on each side. Not all girls want the stereotype massive diamond. And even if she does like her jewellry to be "bling" you can get lookalike diamonds for a fraction of the price of the real thing and they're every bit as much a statement. Your aveage person isn't going to know the difference when it's on her finger and they are admiring her ring.

Lollipops23

congratulations OP!Swarovski have some fab rings, look very bling but under a hundred yo-yos. times are pretty hard at the min, i think the days of guys spending 3-4000 on rings are gone for the time being. if, when you and the future missus are more comfortable, she decides she'd like a bigger/shinier ring buy one then!

LegacyUser

hmmmm....

I'm not so sure.

I know a lot of girls/women who see the ring as the embodiment of your love for them. Therefore it has to be big and expensive. My girlfriend thinks like this. Yes she is materialistic, but it's not one way, she also spends megabuck on me.

Many, dare I say most women (probably men too) like to see their peers jaw drop at their latest acquisition. This goes doubly for the Sex in the City generation.

The boards.ie population is very clique, and there is a stong, male, liberal, hippy vibe to the politics here - and I love it, but it's not necessarily how the population at large thinks...

PS - fly her to Dubai and get her a big one for less...

Silverfish

A lot of the people replying on this thread telling him not to break the bank on a ring have been female.

If someone wants an expensive ring, and their partner wants to buy it for them, then fair enough. But don't judge all women by the standards of a few.

MIN2511

wer4rggg wrote: »

hmmmm....

I'm not so sure.

I know a lot of girls/women who see the ring as the embodiment of your love for them. Therefore it has to be big and expensive. My girlfriend thinks like this. Yes she is materialistic, but it's not one way, she also spends megabuck on me.

Many, dare I say most women (probably men too) like to see their peers jaw drop at their latest acquisition. This goes doubly for the Sex in the City generation.

The boards.ie population is very clique, and there is a stong, male, liberal, hippy vibe to the politics here - and I love it, but it's not necessarily how the population at large thinks...

PS - fly her to Dubai and get her a big one for less...

I quite agree with you, we are all materialistic regardless if what we say.

I think Dubai is a great idea, although by the time you put the price of the holiday it would cost you the same.

My idea: propose to her(you don't need a ring to pop the question) tell her about your financial responsibilities and how much you can afford on a ring. And you can both decide on what to do

Out of curiosity, how much can you afford?

giddybootz

herro!

the swarkovski (spelling?!?) idea is a good one! also if she likes unusual jewellery instead of bling jewellery try blue moon or new moon in dublin. one is in the georges st arcade and one is in temple bar. also try gollums precious in the powerscourt shopping centre in dublin for lovely silver pieces around the hundred/two hundred mark.

i love getting 'stuff' but hate when my OH spends loads on me....i feel bad about it!! and also the worry of losin it is such pressure.
what is important is that you guys both want to get married and feel its the right time.

now go for it!!!

Julesie

MIN2511 wrote: »

I quite agree with you, we are all materialistic regardless if what we say.

Genuinely we are not all like that.

I am female and I honestly would not care about the price of the ring. In fact I would probably be annoyed at a guy for spending too much on a ring especially if it is not something he could afford.

MIN2511

Julesie wrote: »

Genuinely we are not all like that.

I am female and I honestly would not care about the price of the ring. In fact I would probably be annoyed at a guy for spending too much on a ring especially if it is not something he could afford.

Honestly i want a decent ring, i but i am not that extravagant...

I suppose diff strokes for diff folks....

MIN2511

MIN2511 wrote: »

Honestly i want a decent ring, i but i am not that extravagant...

I suppose diff strokes for diff folks....

I'd rather have a decent honeymoon and house, not an expensive shiny rock

username123

When I got engaged he wanted to spend a bomb on the ring and I wouldnt let him. I just didnt like the idea of him spending his savings on a piece of jewellery for me, Id prefer to use the money for our future together, not on a ring that only I wear.

I still chose a ring that I think is beautiful, but it didnt cost the earth. I also wouldnt have felt comfortable walking around with a fortune hanging off my hand - in case I lost it or damaged it or something. And although I will pile on the bling going out, I dont wear any jewellery (except the engagement ring) in everyday life.

If he had asked me to marry him and didnt have money for an expensive ring I would have been delighted with something very cheap (less than 100 euro) - its not the ring Im marrying him for.

So OP - it depends on the girl. She might not care about the cost of it because whats important is the marraige, not the rock.

SheRa

The original post is the nicest PI Ive ever seen:). You sound like a lovely bloke who is going out with a lovely girl.

Ok speaking from a female point of view I dont get caught up on material stuff either and while Id be delighted with an engagement ring with a nice rock on it (if the person could afford it and not need to borrow for it) Id be equally happy with an inexpensive ring as its the sentiment behind it that counts.

In a previous life I was on weddingsonline a fair bit and the amount of competition among women and their engagement rings is shocking. Real "keeping up with the jones's" crap. I have a theory that the more that women boast about their engagement rings, the less happy they are in themself.

Btw you dont have to have the ring before you propose, you could both pick it together afterwards, and if she has any sense she'll tell you not to spend so much if you can't afford it.

Anyway good luck OP.

mylittlepony

Irish traditional ring:

Claddagh Ring with your girlfriend's birthstone - With my two hands I give you my heart and crown it with my love'.

I like simple

Also just my opinion, I like the idea of a combined engagment/wedding ring.
I would never wear two rings on one finger - its so not me.
http://www.argos.ie/static/Product/partNumber/2030982/c_1/1%7Ccategory_root%7CJewellery+and+watches%7C12160927/c_2/2%7Ccat_12160927%7CRings%7C12161014/c_3/3%7Ccat_12161014%7CWedding+rings%7C12161042.htm

Me to you

You're giving her the most beautiful gift in the world, the promise that you want to spend the rest of your life with her, grow old with her. For me that gift doesnt have to come in the form of a massive diamond. Try H.sameuls for an imitation ring, it wont matter to her as long as she loves you, best of luck.

Terodil

I'm boggling at that 'the price shows how much you love her' attitude. I think the most beautiful ring I've ever come across was Mercedes's engagement ring in Alexandre Dumas's 'The Count of Monte Christo': It was nothing but a piece of string wrapped around her finger. It was everything *but* the ring that made the beauty of it.

This may be slightly extreme I know but fefs, rather turn the entire event into something utterly memorable rather than rely on the size of your purse to buy your partner's love.

implausible

wer4rggg wrote: »

Many, dare I say most women (probably men too) like to see their peers jaw drop at their latest acquisition.

The jaws only drop when the price is mentioned! Most women are not professional diamond appraisers, in fact we mostly go "oooh lovely, shiny, shiny"...

OP, you haven't mentioned an actual price. I wonder have you been listening to hyped-up figures. A girl I know has a €7000 one, wasn't too shy about telling it and anyone I've spoken to (ok, ok gossiped to...) thinks that she and her fiancée are crazy.

You'll get beautiful rings from €500 - €2000 and your girlfriend doesn't sound like someone who would go for the dearest one in the shop

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the advice people, have been offline for a few days but have read the comments, I've taken them on board and now just need to find 'the right time'.

Will go with something I can afford without racking up new debt (should be around the €750 mark)

Thanks again, you have all been a great help.