Worried sick about mum and dad

LegacyUser

I don't know where to start with this.

Recently my mum told me she had been abused by her father when she was a child. I'm the only person she's ever told this to. She told me this out of the blue and hasn't mentioned it since. I really think she needs to talk to someone about this but she's of the opinion that she knows more than all the shrinks and counsellors put together. That's my first concern.

My second concern is that my dad's remaining parent died over Christmas. He's so cut up over it and I don't know what to do to help him. It's not that I'm saying the "wrong" things to him but anything I say to him reduces him to tears and he backs away.

Thirdly, my parents hate each other. They should never have married or started a family. They've split up and got back together more times than I care to remember. Neither of them are physically violent but they're just hateful towards and about each other. They're the first to admit they shouldn't be together.

I wish I could convince them to seek counselling, I wish I could help more, I wish I didn't feel the need to wish I could help more.

I've so much on my plate already that this situation is wearing me down and all I want is to not see them again and leave them to it. They weren't the best parents but they certainly weren't the worst.

God none of this is making any sense is it? Is there anyone out there that has been in a similar situation??? I feel so alone in all this and I don't feel comfortable discussing it with other family members.

Permabear

This post has been deleted.

Beruthiel

OP.
Your parents do not expect you to take their burden.
They are adults and as such are in charge of their own lives. Be that good or bad, it's their decision to live life this way.
Not in a million years would I expect my daughter to take on my troubles. In fact, if I tried, she would point out where I should be fixing it and wouldn't show much sympathy if I didn't make an effort to do so. (Apple doesn't fall far from the tree there.)

What I'm trying to say is, let this go.
Go visit them sure, but take time away as well, because yes they are your parents, but you cannot help them run their lives. Nor should you.

Kirnsy

OP its a sad fact of life that parents relationships with each other are own and nothing you will do or say will make theirs better.

they have to work it out for themselves. to me it sounds like you may be blaming yourself a little. PLEASE DONT. your parents will sort themselves out one way or another hopefully sooner rather than later.

good luck

LegacyUser

Hey
dont worry your not alone, im going through something similar myself. my dad is an alcoholic, hes not abusive or anything but just upsetting the whole family the way hes carrying on. falling all over the place at night injuring himself. he works by day but could drink 2or3 bottles of wine a night after coming back from the pub late. as a result, my mother is depressed living with him, she cant leave him because shes dependant on him, and the whole family is suffering. she cant sleep at night waiting for him to come home. none of us live at home anymore but id call up very often about 5 or 6 times a week. im the youngest and have the most communication with home so i carry alot of the burden. i almost feel guilty leaving the house because i feel im leaving my mother in that crap. i do everything for her if she ever needs anything. its gotten worse over the past yr or so and im sick to death of it. i envy people out there who have normal parents, they dont know how lucky they are. i feel like im the parent and their the children the way they carry on, and i shouldnt feel like that but i do. ..

Nevyn

Unregistered wrote: »

Hey
dont worry your not alone, im going through something similar myself. my dad is an alcoholic, hes not abusive or anything but just upsetting the whole family the way hes carrying on. falling all over the place at night injuring himself. he works by day but could drink 2or3 bottles of wine a night after coming back from the pub late. as a result, my mother is depressed living with him, she cant leave him because shes dependant on him, and the whole family is suffering. she cant sleep at night waiting for him to come home. none of us live at home anymore but id call up very often about 5 or 6 times a week. im the youngest and have the most communication with home so i carry alot of the burden. i almost feel guilty leaving the house because i feel im leaving my mother in that crap. i do everything for her if she ever needs anything. its gotten worse over the past yr or so and im sick to death of it. i envy people out there who have normal parents, they dont know how lucky they are. i feel like im the parent and their the children the way they carry on, and i shouldnt feel like that but i do. ..

How about suggesting that your mum start going to al anon meetings to get support ?

username123

Unregistered wrote: »

Hey
dont worry your not alone, im going through something similar myself. my dad is an alcoholic, hes not abusive or anything but just upsetting the whole family the way hes carrying on. falling all over the place at night injuring himself. he works by day but could drink 2or3 bottles of wine a night after coming back from the pub late. as a result, my mother is depressed living with him, she cant leave him because shes dependant on him, and the whole family is suffering. she cant sleep at night waiting for him to come home. none of us live at home anymore but id call up very often about 5 or 6 times a week. im the youngest and have the most communication with home so i carry alot of the burden. i almost feel guilty leaving the house because i feel im leaving my mother in that crap. i do everything for her if she ever needs anything. its gotten worse over the past yr or so and im sick to death of it. i envy people out there who have normal parents, they dont know how lucky they are. i feel like im the parent and their the children the way they carry on, and i shouldnt feel like that but i do. ..

You should go to Alanon meetings yourself (as well as suggesting it to your mum).

OP - none of what you describe is your responsibility - unfortunatley its very difficult to watch people you love hurting but your parents need to sort out their own problems in their relationship and your dad probably just needs time to deal with the grieving process to come round after losing his own parent.

Maybe you could see a counseller (or even ring samaritans) to get things off your chest - mite help you feel better if you express how you feel verbally to someone (who isnt a family member?)