Should I give blessing to watch porn?

LegacyUser

Hi, I was just looking for some advice on the following:

Last year I discovered a lot of pornographic images on my partners pc, as well as plenty of pornstar names on his google. At the time I was very upset over this and my partner decided to stop using this.

Now please don't all attack me saying how there's nothing wrong with using porn and saying that I have major issues as I'm totally aware of this and do indeed feel insecure at the best of times.

My question is, as he is only abstaining ( and I'm pretty sure he is) for my sake but probably not cause he wants to, should I give him my blessing to start using it again?

I guess I don't really want to seem like I'm bullying him to stop. If he did use it I would secretly be upset - but I guess it's not really my place to say it to him if the issue lies with me?

Any opinions?

Max Power1

Its pretty simple, the majority of men do watch pornographic material. Better to do so with your partners blessing, but it will probably happen anyway, even if he tells you otherwise.. why not watch with him??

milod

Only priests can give blessings... tbh it sounds a little patronising when you say that - a little like letting the dog off the leash for a bit of a runabout in the park...

Why not operate a "don't ask, don't tell" policy?

Chucky the tree

Unregistered wrote: »

My question is, as he is only abstaining ( and I'm pretty sure he is)

I'd put a fairly large sum on this being the opposite actually.

sitstill

I'm sorry, but show me a man who does not watch porn.

He will watch it with or without your "blessing".

Das Kitty

Your other half watching pornography has absolutely no reflection on his feelings for you, sexual or otherwise. You need to try to stop viewing it as a personal slight.

Unless it's negatively affecting his work life or home life with you (in a way other than you disapproving) there's no problem.

Fajitas!

Your blessing?

Tbh, he'll have just become more careful in deleting internet history, rather than completely abstaining from porn.

I'd just leave him do what he's interested in doing tbh - There's far more unsocial and worrying interests a man could have than having a look through some porn.

I don't think blessing's come into it really

The Corinthian

Unregistered wrote: »

My question is, as he is only abstaining ( and I'm pretty sure he is) for my sake but probably not cause he wants to, should I give him my blessing to start using it again?

It's possible that his abstention from porn was not such a big deal for him. It's also possible that he is still looking at porn, but is now more discrete about it.

In my mind, giving your blessing that he can look at porn or not is not far removed from giving your blessing that he masturbate - after all, when a man or woman in a relationship is masturbating, he's probably not going to be fantasizing about the person they're in the relationship with. And if anyone thinks they should be able to stop their partner from masturbation, then it's time to re-evaluate boundaries, or for them to find a new partner, TBH.

MagicMarker

Oh he is so still looking at porn!

kayos

Yet another reason why new versions of browsers are coming with a “privacy mode” which makes cleaning up your browsing history uber easy…..They say its for online banking etc etc but lets be honest its for porn. As the song says “The internet is for porn, so grab your **** and double click”. Or to quote Dr Cox from Scrubs “if they removed all the porn from the internet there would only be one site left. www.bringbacktheporn.com”

Any way watch it with him or let him off to watch it himself (he is most likely doing this any way).

andrewh5

Your blessing?!?
A) you are not a priest.
he is an adult so you can't tell him what to do!

lolli

In fairness your boyfriend does not need your blessing to look at what he wants online its his choice, i'd be more worried if I seen he was looking up dating websites or something. Theres a lot worse things he could be doing.

bubonicus

Hi OP,

Just curious, but has your sex life changed in anyway from when he was looking at porn, to not looking at it?

Does he have a higher sex drive than you?

Mastubarting is not cheating it's natural. People masterbate to fulfill a sexual need.

jim o doom

Yeah I won't say anything about your issues; but if you are able to "allow" him (and I don't think you had the right to ban him in the first place) watch porn, then do. Just let it go

jim o doom

andrewh5 wrote: »

Your blessing?!?
A) you are not a priest.
he is an adult so you can't tell him what to do!

a) Giving someone your blessing is a completely standard "turn of phrase" and you don't need to be a priest to use it, oh great lord of pedantry
b) agree 100% with this one

LegacyUser

You've recognised the problem is your own insecurities, and this is the cause.

It is your insecurities that led you to feeling hurt when you discovered that he was a red blooded male after all.

Instead of acting the martyre, which you would be doing by painting on a big smile and pretending everything is okay, why don't you take ownership of your personal issue?

You've mentioned you are aware you're insecure at the best of times. It's good that you recognise that, however if you want to really approach the issue and have it done with from your life, it's no good to say 'oh well, i'm insecure'. There are plenty of ways and means out there for overcoming limitations, and questioning the kind of thoughts that go on in our heads that interfere with our relationships.

And going back to your boyfriend, maybe you could talk to him more about the issue. Does he really know the full story as to why you 'banned' him ?

diamondp

just get some porn and watch it with him and make his day. cant believe there is still people who think porn is bad. as long as he's not looking at underage or animal stuf then i would class that as just normal.

LegacyUser

bubonicus wrote: »

Hi OP,

Just curious, but has your sex life changed in anyway from when he was looking at porn, to not looking at it?

Does he have a higher sex drive than you?

Mastubarting is not cheating it's natural. People masterbate to fulfill a sexual need.

OP here,

No it hasn't, we have similar drives.

It doesn't interfere with our relationship.

I know it's natural etc etc, and as much as you try and drill it in my head, I cannot help how I feel.

I gather 'blessing' may not have been the wiset choice of word. I do not mean to be patronising at all!

Since our discussion we have lived together. He has never been alone on the pc. (It's in the sitting room.) So I know that he has abstained - even if it is just through lack of opportunity.

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

You've recognised the problem is your own insecurities,
and this is the cause.

It is your insecurities that led you to feeling hurt when you discovered that he was a red blooded male after all.

Instead of acting the martyre, which you would be doing by painting on a big smile and pretending everything is okay, why don't you take ownership of your personal issue?

You've mentioned you are aware you're insecure at the best of times. It's good that you recognise that, however if you want to really approach the issue and have it done with from your life, it's no good to say 'oh well, i'm insecure'. There are plenty of ways and means out there for overcoming limitations, and questioning the kind of thoughts that go on in our heads that interfere with our relationships.

And going back to your boyfriend, maybe you could talk to him more about the issue. Does he really know the full story as to why you 'banned' him ?

OP again.

Thanks for your advice.

I know full well I cannot tell my partner what he can and can't do, but seing as we're in a long term relationship, matters where one feels strongly about should be discussed.

It wasn't the case of my saying - "Right, porn is banned"

It was just the result of the discussion at the time.

Well I go through phases where I think I'd be ok with it, but sooner or later I would start thinking that it's a reflection on me - ie. I'm not good enough/ attractive enough.

PS: I suggested watching porn together at the time, but he wasn't interested)

Mulan

Watching watching watching all day long I'd say!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

R.D. aka MR.D

hi op,

you have a right to be annoyed if you feel uncomfortable with him watching pornography. you don't have to find pornography acceptable just because society tells us you should. many people consider pornography to be harmful to women and the attitude the world has to them.

however i think the poster who suggested a don't ask don't tell policy was right. this is the best way to go. your boyfriend is a grown man and makes his own decisions.

its not a reflection on you at all, no need to feel insecure.

most men make it part of their daily rotine, and don't see any problems with it.

just explain your feelings and draw a line under it.

its his choice then.

LegacyUser

OP as you can tell from the moral bankruptcy of the posters above, the internet has made porn the norm for the internet generation - me included, but something being the norm does not make it right.

It took a while for me to realise how ****ed up it was for me to do that to my long term girlfriend and it has affected our relationship for a long time. Best thing you can do is ask him how he would feel for you to watch and pleasure yourself to attractive men etc.

Don't for one second think he his simply getting a sexual release, because trust me he would think of you if that was the case.

I'm sorry to say but what he's doing is comparing every inch of you to the women he is watching and wishing he was with a girl with bigger boobs, a bigger ass or a nicer body etc. I know I did it myself.

Again a lot of men genuninely want to stop looking at porn but its everywhere online and can be very difficult to stop.

You really need to tell him how you feel about it.

Catari Jaguar

Try to interest him in watching amateur porn uploaded by normal people/ home videos. Then you can feel secure knowing that it's probably not degrading and not contributing as much to the porno industry. Maybe he'll find some interesting techniques from real girls that aren't just faking their O and making eyes at the camera?

Also, there is the fact that amateur porn doesn't usually have fake titted, blonde, skinny sluts caked in make up. So you don't need to feel insecure that you don't measure up.

Try again at watching porn together. Imho, porn makes you hornier, you get more sex. Maybe make your own... Everyone's a winner!

jim o doom

Unregistered wrote: »

OP again.

Thanks for your advice.

I know full well I cannot tell my partner what he can and can't do, but seing as we're in a long term relationship, matters where one feels strongly about should be discussed.

It wasn't the case of my saying - "Right, porn is banned"

It was just the result of the discussion at the time.

Well I go through phases where I think I'd be ok with it, but sooner or later I would start thinking that it's a reflection on me - ie. I'm not good enough/ attractive enough.

PS: I suggested watching porn together at the time, but he wasn't interested)

Well it's good to hear that you are being adult about it, it seemed like you had banned it as opposed to him doing it not to hurt your feelings, but even still, if it does hurt your feelings, you should allow it.

The reason I think this is that, you can't help how you feel about it, which is fine, but, when you tell him how it makes you feel, he would feel like a total cnut if he was to watch porno knowing how you feel. That makes it basically unintentional emotional blackmail (emphasis on the unintentional, like I said, you can't help how you feel).

Another thing is, it may be in the living room, but honestly, has he never been in the house alone, when he could have used it without you knowing, I find it unlikely that you are both always in the house at the same time..

I would watch porno with my girl, and we would do stuff, but I also like to watch it just so I can (well you know what :P ) - perhaps he doesn't feel comfortable with you around when he is watching said porno because for most people "self abuse" (a horrible old term!) is a very private thing which they never want anyone to see, let alone become involved in..

I say give him your blessing; you should know that if your sex life did not change after he stopped watching it, that your sex life is normal, he just wants to jerk off to some porno, which is a fairly typical male want, and if you say you are ok with it, even if you have reservations, I still think it's worthwhile.. he would be happier & nobody really suffers.. He wouldn't be with you if he didn't want to be & he wouldn't sleep with you if he wasn't interested in you in that manner.. you just need to realise that he likes you regardless of what odd sexual urges he needs to satisfy by watching porno

jim o doom

R.D. aka MR.D wrote: »

just explain your feelings and draw a line under it.

its his choice then.

yeah but like I said a moment ago, that's unintentional emotional blackmail, he would probably feel pretty damn guilty if he was doing it, knowing he was hurting her feelings.. that's not a decision at all.

Blubbles

As someone said, he is going to watch is whether he tells you or not. At least if you talk to him about it he might understand where you are coming from.

Watch it with him... it wil make it more fun!!!

jessbeth

I would agree with the don't ask, don't tell policy and tell him to clean up his cache and temporary files and not leave the evidence lying on the computer for you to see. Then theoretically once it's not an obsession he can do what he wants. I wouldn't agree with saying watch it with him. If you don't like it then don't watch it with him, just leave him to do his own thing on his own time.

justpaul

Porn porn, it's the daily question on many's a discussion board. I bet there are at least 20 'my boyfriend is watching porn, what shall i do' questions posted around the world daily.

the lads on the left reply with an "it's natural leave him alone" while the girls on the right sigh a "eeeuuuck" type response.

Generalizing I know, there are more and more in the middle.

My wife hates UFC and boxing, she know's I like it. So, when it's on, either I go to the room and watch it there, or she goes to bed. Simple.

As for porn..

Men and women are different; shock horror. they have different tastes and needs.

Men have evolved from a tribal culture where sometimes they had many wives, hunting and fighting etc. etc.;

to a modern world of monogamy, fidelity, and 'openly discussing every aspect of their psyche'..

As for the 'he decided to stop' reply,. this can generally be interpretted as

in his head, in a corner, he had to think; how do I get out of this, what does she want to hear, and glory be there it was; "I won't watch porn any more".

What'll probably happen now, is you'll invade his privacy again, discover that he is in fact still watching porn, and feel decieved, lose faith, respect and trust in him.

Reflector

why not just leave it as it is, he may well be looking at porn when you are not around. You have shown your feelings on it.
Maybe if you see him at it again you might be a little cooler about it and just say you are not a fan of it and leave it be, men like looking at porn just the same as women like looking at ridiculously terrible romantic comedys. You wouldn't tolerate him freaking out if you were watching a chick flick and he went crazy because it portrays a completely unrealistic image of a relationship.

pfishfood

jessbeth wrote: »

I would agree with the don't ask, don't tell policy and tell him to clean up his cache and temporary files and not leave the evidence lying on the computer for you to see. Then theoretically once it's not an obsession he can do what he wants. I wouldn't agree with saying watch it with him. If you don't like it then don't watch it with him, just leave him to do his own thing on his own time.

Im tending to agree with the above and he probably does do it anyway. The fact that you've told him not to do it that would make him perhaps want to do it more you know the whole forbidden fruit thing.

As for your insecurities you'll have to work past that for the sake of your relationship, does your partner not tell you that your beautiful and that he loves you?

hot2def

Unregistered wrote: »

I'm sorry to say but what he's doing is comparing every inch of you to the women he is watching and wishing he was with a girl with bigger boobs, a bigger ass or a nicer body etc. I know I did it myself.

I'm sorry you felt that way yourself, but you can't use that as proof that every other porn-user feels like you did/do.


I like porn, I watch it a fair amount, I don't think I have ever compared my girlfriend to anyone I have seen in a porno, esp not while watching -who's brain is up to such a complex task right then?


In fact,thinking about it now, I wish more girls in porno looked like my missus



so quit frightening the OP with your mind-reading .

pickarooney

Your disapproval makes it all the more enticing, so you may either spoil it a bit for him or let him go to town by administering your blessing. Bit of a Zugwang.

Peewee_lane

pickarooney wrote: »

Your disapproval makes it all the more enticing,.

If mammy tells you not to play with matches, you're gonna want to light those bad boys up and enjoy the fire!!

I found an ex of mine with substantial porn on his laptop and it broke my heart, so I understand that momentary guilt you feel, the wrongness, he hasnt physically been with these women, but the threatening feeling of their tiny waists and plump bums, getting him off, drives a sane girl mad.

Haha... in my case though... it wasnt women I found on his laptop!!!

*shudders*

LegacyUser

hot2def wrote: »

In fact,thinking about it now, I wish more girls in porno looked like my missus...

Have you tried googling amateur wives or girlfriends. You may be surprised what turns up and I don't mean your g/f!

I watched a lot of xxx material with previous girlfriends and got as much pleasure from the fact that it was turning on the girls as much as me. So OP why don't you seek out something that turns you on, turn down the lights and just enjoy.

Lalena

This situation reminds me of another. The comparison being between this and that of a parent discovering her children "playing doctor." Parents can tend to be put off by this, but forbidding it would have negative effects one of which is that they'll do it regardless but suffer guilt. Like childhood sex play even among siblings, viewing erotica is a part of healthy sexuality according to the authors I've encountered. Whether pornography is synonymous with erotica I leave to others.

Lalena

Sam Vimes

Unregistered wrote: »

OP as you can tell from the moral bankruptcy of the posters above, the internet has made porn the norm for the internet generation - me included, but something being the norm does not make it right.

It took a while for me to realise how ****ed up it was for me to do that to my long term girlfriend and it has affected our relationship for a long time. Best thing you can do is ask him how he would feel for you to watch and pleasure yourself to attractive men etc.

Don't for one second think he his simply getting a sexual release, because trust me he would think of you if that was the case.

I'm sorry to say but what he's doing is comparing every inch of you to the women he is watching and wishing he was with a girl with bigger boobs, a bigger ass or a nicer body etc. I know I did it myself.

Again a lot of men genuninely want to stop looking at porn but its everywhere online and can be very difficult to stop.

You really need to tell him how you feel about it.

speak for yourself mate. i had just started out writing a massive reply about how ridiculously wrong your post is but there's just so much wrong with it i don't even know where to begin

the only thing i can think of is you're from a religious background that's drilled into you for your whole life that porn is immoral and wrong. i can't think of any other way you'd get such a warped idea about it

Mr. Frost

Looking a porn is perfectly normal. Obviously for some it can get out of hand turn into a real problem in the relationship. It doesn't sound like your boyfriend is one of those people. Let him be. No offence here but I wouldn't put with that and I think I'd prefer a more adventurous girlfriend if I was him.

Just my 2c.

bigpinkelephant

OP, when you say you are "insecure at the best of times", what sort of insecurity is it?
Are you unhappy with your appearance?
Or are you insecure in the relationship, i.e. think your boyfriend doesn't love you, or think he might decide he'd prefer someone else etc?
Or is it a mixture of both?

xniamhx

Im having this problem with my boyfriend also.
I just dont want to be with a guy who is interested in pornography full stop.

So I could care less if he does it but dont be with me is my attitude to him.

Permabear

This post has been deleted.

Sam Vimes

xniamhx wrote: »

Im having this problem with my boyfriend also.
I just dont want to be with a guy who is interested in pornography full stop.

then you are looking for a man that doesn't exist i'm afraid*. the best you'll get is either a man like the one i replied to who's been made to think it's wrong and resists his urges or one who lies about it

basically, if you are going to break up with every man who watches porn, i would bet large sums of money on you breaking up with every man you're with for the rest of your life. if you currently have a boyfriend and you think he doesn't like it, you are almost certainly wrong


*May not be true of every single man on the planet but about 99%. possibly the pope though that's very unlikely

xniamhx

I dont believe for a second that pornography is a ''healthy adult interest'' in sex. There is nothing intimate or respectful about it, its pure purpose is objectifying and degrading women for your own perverse pleasure so please dont try and sugarcoat it as healthy, atleast be honest with yourselves.

And If it means I will never have a longterm relationship with a man then so be it. I have very high standards and maybe my ideal man doesnt exist but im not going to settle for the sake of security.
Settling will only bring about marrying men who make all their problems your problems, undermine you, control you , manipulate you etc. How is that worth it when you would be 93839 times more functional w/o having to deal with their bull****.

shellyboo

Unregistered wrote: »

Best thing you can do is ask him how he would feel for you to watch and pleasure yourself to attractive men etc.

The answer would be, "Horny", quickly followed by, "Can I watch?"


The simple fact is that men and (most) women have vastly different views on pornography. Most men see it as an idle pastime, a reflex almost, something to help them relax and destress. The only time it causes a problem is if a guy starts to prefer porn to *real* women, and especially a partner.

OP, you really don't have anything to worry about with him watching porn - he's with YOU for a reason, porn is a nothing, a diversion, scratching an itch.

But if you feel you can't get over the discomfort of him watching it - and I think you should make a REAL effort to do so - then explain this to him. Tell him it makes you uncomfortable, but you know that's your issue, and if he wants to watch it while you're not around, as long as you don't know, that's ok... but you'll be secretly upset. I'd bet that he'd rather have you happy than watch porn, so he'll probably offer to give up again - but this time you'll both have talked about it properly at least.


As for getting over it - I'd suggest watching porn with him. I know you said he declined, but you should insist. Pick something out, use it as foreplay, see how excited he gets with YOU while it's on... he's not going to sit there playing with himself ogling the screen, he's going to be 100% focused on his gorgeous gf and not the silicone hotties on the screen.

Sam Vimes

xniamhx wrote: »

I dont believe for a second that pornography is a ''healthy adult interest'' in sex. There is nothing intimate or respectful about it, its pure purpose is objectifying and degrading women for your own perverse pleasure so please dont try and sugarcoat it as healthy, atleast be honest with yourselves.

And If it means I will never have a longterm relationship with a man then so be it. I have very high standards and maybe my ideal man doesnt exist but im not going to settle for the sake of security.
Settling will only bring about marrying men who make all their problems your problems, undermine you, control you , manipulate you etc. How is that worth it when you would be 93839 times more functional w/o having to deal with their bull****.

there's a difference between settling for an abusive husband and settling for a man who does something that every single man in existence either already does or secretly wants to do but is ashamed to admit it. saying you don't want a man who enjoys porn is like saying you want a man who hates sport, beer and cars. or like wanting a woman who hates desperate housewives and shopping

edit:actually it's not really like that at all. there are plently of men who have no interest in sport or beer and lots of women hate desperate housewives. but every man enjoys porn whether he admits it or not

LegacyUser

Lalena wrote: »

This situation reminds me of another. The comparison being between this and that of a parent discovering her children "playing doctor." Parents can tend to be put off by this, but forbidding it would have negative effects one of which is that they'll do it regardless but suffer guilt. Like childhood sex play even among siblings, viewing erotica is a part of healthy sexuality according to the authors I've encountered. Whether pornography is synonymous with erotica I leave to others.

Lalena

OP here...

I see where you're coming from, but I do think it's different. Firstly I would not stop my son(/daughter if I had one) 'discovering' himself. I don't wish to make him feel that sex/sexuality itself is something dirty or shameful. Porn imo is quite different as it can be degrading to women,and in my case make the woman feel inadequate. I can understand a single guy/girl using it, but I would've thought that I would've been enough for my partner.

In terms of my insercurities - I don't know where they stem from as I have never been messed around, or had trouble attracting the opposite sex. ( At least not on a physical level - although most people think I'm a little weird!) Despite this I tend to feel unattractive a lot of the time. It doesn't help that I know my partner is a breast guy,and mine are fairly small, and then seeing all the big breasted women on screen. He claims not to like fake/huge ones, but maybe he's just saying that to make me feel better.I accept full responsibility for these feelings as my partner has done nothing but be loving and dedicated to me. I guess therefore I should try the whole blind eye approach.

In a way the watching porn together thing might be fun, but sometimes I feel awkard letting him see me get excited over things ( I have my moments where I leap on him, but sometimes feel a bit silly afterwards) I guess for now maybe I wont say anything, and know that if the opportunity arises for him in the future, he may well be viewing it again. I'll just try and be ok with it...

Permabear

This post has been deleted.

LegacyUser

Mr. Frost wrote: »

Looking a porn is perfectly normal. Obviously for some it can get out of hand turn into a real problem in the relationship. It doesn't sound like your boyfriend is one of those people. Let him be. No offence here but I wouldn't put with that and I think I'd prefer a more adventurous girlfriend if I was him.

Just my 2c.

OP agian...

It's funny you should say that as I consider my partner to be more conservative than me when it comes to sex. Ok I'm not exactly adventurous, but have suggested that I'm open to try various things. He never seems too bothered (maybe just not with me - I dunno) . But if he is watching various types of porn, does that not mean that type of stuff interests him? He claims it's fantasy and that he wouldn't really want it. I wouldn't mind some of his fantasy being used on me instead of just keeping it in his own mind!

xniamhx

donegalfella wrote: »

This post has been deleted.

I'm very aware of that.
I only leaped because by the standards of both of you I will never have a long term relationship with any man, you make it sound as if that alone is such a devastating thing. When there are so many things that can be wrong with a man.

I still believe though that there are normally balanced men out there, who do actually respect women and relationships and have no interest in porn.

LegacyUser

Sam Vimes wrote: »

then you are looking for a man that doesn't exist i'm afraid*. the best you'll get is either a man like the one i replied to who's been made to think it's wrong and resists his urges or one who lies about it

basically, if you are going to break up with every man who watches porn, i would bet large sums of money on you breaking up with every man you're with for the rest of your life. if you currently have a boyfriend and you think he doesn't like it, you are almost certainly wrong


*May not be true of every single man on the planet but about 99%. possibly the pope though that's very unlikely

Ha ha "I've been made to think its wrong" have I? By whom? And what was their brainwashing technique?

And no I don't agree with Niamh and her radical feminist viewpoint for disagreeing with porn. I disagree with porn but not for her reasons which are frankly ridiculous.

shellyboo

xniamhx wrote: »

I still believe though that there are normally balanced men out there, who do actually respect women and relationships and have no interest in porn.

There are plenty of normally balanced men out there who respect women and relationships and DO have an interest in porn - you're just not interested in accepting that. You think porn is disgusting, the rest of the planet has no problem with it... who do you think is more likely to be wrong?

Yes, some porn is exploitative, yes some women are in it for the wrong reasons... but it's not 'perverse' to use it as a stimulus while masturbating, nor within the bounds of a relationship.

I'm certainly not saying you'll never find a man, you most likely will... but chances are he'll be lying about not liking porn, and it'll be your relationship with porn that destroys you, not his.

But that's all completely OT... the issue here is not your skewed attitude, it's the OP trying to be understanding and accommodate what she knows is a harmless, healthy interest in porn.

LegacyUser

shellyboo wrote: »

The answer would be, "Horny", quickly followed by, "Can I watch?"

Well you see thats where we're different as my answer and any man who isn't a lap dog would be "get the **** out of my house you slut".

If the mods post this I'll be suprised even though theres nothing offensive in it.