He's got a girlfriend

LegacyUser

This is going to sound very very stupid, but I'm developed feelings for a really good friend of mine. Only thing is, he's got a girlfriend.

There's no way I would dream about making a move or anything. But I'm finding it really hard to deal with. Especially when he's being nice to me, which he always is. I've had self-confidence issues, and ever since I met this guy, he seems to have a 'soft spot' for me. And he goes out of his way to make me feel good about myself.

Thing is, this makes it WAY harder for me. But I can't exactly ask him to stop being nice can i. I just dunno how I'm going to get around this one. I'm thinking about him all the time and I. How do I pick up and move on? Limiting contact with him isn't an option.

Thanks...

SoWatchaWant

That's a tough one, I been somewhere like that before. Is his relationship a long term/secure thing? Do you mind waiting for him? etc...

Salome

Why isn't limiting contact an option?

LegacyUser

So, his relationship is long term (10+ years), and to be honest they seem very happy.

Limiting contact isn't an option since he works in my office...

I'm trying my very best not to think about it, but I can't help it. Every time I see him, get an email from him, talk to him - I am soooo happy. And I'm always totally uncomfortable every time she's around when we go out etc. I make a really big effort and she likes me. but I feel awful thinking 'I'd love to have your man...'

Salome

I'm sorry to rain on your parade but if they're together for that long, you really need to forget about him. He may just be a lovely kind man who is friendly to everyone. He's not yours so you've got to forget about him being anything other than a friend/colleague. Too many people will get hurt if you pursue this - you'll be hurt.

SoWatchaWant

Yup, I don't think there's much you can do here, except look for a new man. And there's plenty of them about;)

Fair enough, it'll take alot of sifting through people to find the one that you really can connect with- but he's out there, he could be in the next pub you go to, who knows:o

The same thing happened to me while I was lovesick over someone else. I didn't meet anyone for quite a while, mostly because I was sad over losing her. But then I met someone totally different and even better.

The lesson I learnt there is, keep yourself open, I guess...

Hope that helps?

themadchef

silly_girl wrote: »

I just dunno how I'm going to get around this one.

You call yourself here "silly girl". You know you are wasting your energy day dreaming about a guy who's committed to someone else. 10 years, even if he hasn't married her.... it's not something he's going to throw away lightly.

He obviously likes you, but chances are he hasn't noticed you falling for him. Maybe he's just very friendly and you're reading into every little thing way too much.

Stop and think about it for a second. Pick up and move on from what? If you're spending all your time and using all your energy fantasising about a guy you can't have, you're not going to see potential in anyone else.

Believe you can find someone. Know you're special. Know that special guy just for you might only be around the corner. You can stop wanting him...but you have to work at it if your feelings are as deep for him as they seem.

Capt'n Midnight

is this a case of wanting what you can't have ?

Salome

As you said yourself He's got a girlfriend - end of.

Max Power1

Exactly.. he's in a committed relationship. Perhaps he's being friendly and nothing more.. best to put romantic feelings for him out of your head completely, however difficult that may be

Bottle_of_Smoke

Hmmm, can't help but get the feeling that if your self confidence was in order you wouldn't feel that strongly about him. There's also the wanting what you can't have aspect.

I think once you improve your own issues the feelings for him will wane.

Amazotheamazing

silly_girl wrote: »

This is going to sound very very stupid, but I'm developed feelings for a really good friend of mine. Only thing is, he's got a girlfriend.

There's no way I would dream about making a move or anything. But I'm finding it really hard to deal with. Especially when he's being nice to me, which he always is. I've had self-confidence issues, and ever since I met this guy, he seems to have a 'soft spot' for me. And he goes out of his way to make me feel good about myself.

Thing is, this makes it WAY harder for me. But I can't exactly ask him to stop being nice can i. I just dunno how I'm going to get around this one. I'm thinking about him all the time and I. How do I pick up and move on? Limiting contact with him isn't an option.

Thanks...

You like him partly because he makes you feel good about yourself, but don't let that fool you into thinking he's the only guy who could help you build up your confidence and make you feel good about yourself.

The difficulty is that when you have low confidence, you can trip yourself into going out with someone who re-enforces your negative self image, has happened with so many great women I know for some bizarre reason.

3DataModem

As Chris Rock said...

When a man meets his friends girlfriend he thinks to himself... 'Wow... I'm going to get me a girl like her'.

When a woman meets her friends boyfriend she thinks to herself... 'Wow... I'm going to get me HIM'.


Overgeneralisation I know, but low self-esteem = low confidence = reduced ability to meet new people. So why not short-cut the process and let your friend find the good men for you?


I don't mean to be harsh, just trying to give you a little perspective. 10 years = keep off.

ceannair06

silly_girl wrote: »

This is going to sound very very stupid, but I'm developed feelings for a really good friend of mine. Only thing is, he's got a girlfriend.

There's no way I would dream about making a move or anything. But I'm finding it really hard to deal with. Especially when he's being nice to me, which he always is. I've had self-confidence issues, and ever since I met this guy, he seems to have a 'soft spot' for me. And he goes out of his way to make me feel good about myself.

Thing is, this makes it WAY harder for me. But I can't exactly ask him to stop being nice can i. I just dunno how I'm going to get around this one. I'm thinking about him all the time and I. How do I pick up and move on? Limiting contact with him isn't an option.

Thanks...

Silly_girl, I feel for you - I really do.

Been there myself, was mates with this guy for years - then had a few years of, well we won't go into details but "more than pals" is near enough.

Then out of the blue he meets this girl, now I had a hell of a year or so with this knowledge but hey, we got through it and were back to being friends.

I still love him dearly, I always will and there's nothing I can do but I'd settled into a routine, saw him often enough and all was well.

Now the evil spawn of Satan's minion decides she doesn't want him to see me - at all, ever etc etc. I can see him but with her and the kid in tow (oh year she got herself knocked up a few weeks after meeting him - trapped much ???).

So basically, we barely speak now and she has turned his parents against me too. Lovely girl. Not.

Anyway, you have my sympathy girl - look after yourself.

LegacyUser

been there... done that... only very recently got over it. Except in my situation I was the one in the long term relationship and developed feelings for my friend, who was also in a relationship. Im pretty sure (I hope) he has no idea.

All I can tell you is, you need to move on and get over it, and you will. promise. I did.

I just wish I hadnt confided in other friends about my crush, its embarassing/awkward now that they know.

Give it time, it will get better. you do need to make a definite decision to move on though.

Good luck

The Corinthian

3DataModem wrote: »

When a man meets his friends girlfriend he thinks to himself... 'Wow... I'm going to get me a girl like her'.

When a woman meets her friends boyfriend she thinks to herself... 'Wow... I'm going to get me HIM'.

It's funny but I've noticed this over the years as well. This isn't to say a man will not rub another man's rhubarb, but - especially if a friend - it's seriously frowned upon, while women are far more likely to do this.

Is this my imagination, or is this the case? And if so, why?

"On one issue at least, men and women agree: they both distrust women" - H. L. Mencken

lolli

Op,

Seriously just back away from this man, he might just be a friendly guy. You need to find yourself a single man, not have an interest in someone elses guy. I know you have said you will do nothing about it, but some women really annoy me, they will do anything to get a fella that they want even if they are in a relationship. Some see it as more of a challenge if they are in a relationship!!

This couple are together a long time and you said that they seem happy together so just leave well enough alone, go out with a different group of friends, keep your relationship strictly business and find yourself a man of your own.

Amazotheamazing

The Corinthian wrote: »

It's funny but I've noticed this over the years as well. This isn't to say a man will not rub another man's rhubarb, but - especially if a friend - it's seriously frowned upon, while women are far more likely to do this.

Is this my imagination, or is this the case? And if so, why?

"On one issue at least, men and women agree: they both distrust women" - H. L. Mencken

Because men can have children with any, virtually unlimited, number of partners whereas a woman can only have so many children?

Also, most men place a premium on loyalty, and this is deeply ingrained in male culture. You do your part for the team, you don't grass on friends, etc.

It's telling that male magazines build up male heros, Daniel Craig isn't just Bond, he's also a decent guy who can pull anyone, Jamie Carragher isn't just a top footballer, he also helps out with charities etc. Women's magazines tear down female role models as often as the build them up, if not moreso, Victoria Beckham is rarely presented as an intelligent woman who works hard for what she has, instead she's still labelled Posh Spice, she's an anorexic wreck who isn't good enough for David Beckham, etc.

(Gross generalisations admittedly)

Darkbloom

The Corinthian wrote: »

It's funny but I've noticed this over the years as well. This isn't to say a man will not rub another man's rhubarb, but - especially if a friend - it's seriously frowned upon, while women are far more likely to do this.

Is this my imagination, or is this the case? And if so, why?

"On one issue at least, men and women agree: they both distrust women" - H. L. Mencken

I think it's more the case with people who have limited social circles - I've noticed this in men and women alike.

The OP needs to meet more men, more people, full stop.

LegacyUser

Agree you need to meet more people. You are probably putting this guy on a pedestal, building him up to be this perfect man and fantasising that being with him would make all your problems go away. And because he's unavailable, it's a nice safe fantasy that excuses you from interacting with more scary guys who might not be perfect. Don't fall into the trap of living in your head and putting your life on hold.