Perfect girl with a child

LegacyUser

Here's the issue:

I've met an absolutely amazing girl. We get along really well, we "click" like nothing I've ever experienced before. And she's absolutely beautiful! I really... really like her.

Catch?

She let slip that she has a child.

She is 22, I'm 21, she's from a well to do area of dublin and is not at all a "slut" or anything, she just got unlucky with her ex bf who ran away when she got pregnant.

I feel like a complete a-hole for not wanting to go out with here simply because she has a child, but I cant get involved in something that serious at my age... but I do really like her...

Advice?

Karen_*

I have a child and I'm not a slut. Girls with kids aren't the only ones who've had sex you know:p

Its ok not to want to go out with someone that has a child. So you can say she's not perfect for you then. If you like her so much I think you should give it a go but you know yourself if its a deal breaker or not. I think you're right not to want to start something you know in your heart you can't finish. She's not the only girl in the world who will be right for you.:)

John Mason

what advice do you want?

only you can decide whether you want to be with girl or not.

Wibbs

TBH the bit about "well to do" and "slut" are a bit of a peek into how you may feel or indeed how you think your mates and family may perceive this woman. That's an issue right there and I can't see how you're going to get by this. What I wouldn't do is get too involved with this woman until you do figure this out. You will likely hurt her if you do.

PS the biggest "slut" I know and trust me the most feminist woman who hates that term would be the first to call this wan an unresponsible slapper. Well she has never so much as had a scare on the pregnancy front. I know one woman who got pregnant the second time she had protected sex with the long term guy she lost her virginity to. Frankly it angers me when people make that assumption or others just because a woman has a child and the father isn't with her. Do not get me started on "well to do". Most in Ireland are maybe two or three generations away from shíte running down the backs of their wellies. Nothing wrong with that either, but all "well to do" means is money over time. That's it. It brings neither maturity, insight nor "class". Nor will it forge a good relationship.

Maturity, insight and acceptance will. If you feel you're not ready for this and what comes with the territory (and TBH I don't take issue or judge you for that, I would have been similar at 21), then don't play with this person.

Go for it or don't basically, but go for it with the right reasons and intentions.

RedXIV

Hiya OP,

I'm in a very similar situation, I met a fantastic girl (she did tell me when she met me though that she had a son) and for the first wee while i was meeting up with her, it was at the back of my mind. I was more worried that i'd end up clashing with the son or something because as far as i was concerned, she's perfect and i wanted to be with her, and me and her son not getting on would have been pretty awkward. Now i know you might not feel ready for it but every relationship involves sacrifice. Is she worth it to you? Can you be mature enough to deal with a relationship that someone else is a part of? Can you accept that if it's to choose between you and her child, she's going to pick her child? I'm not trying to scare you OP but these are the simple facts and you need to decide if you think she is worth it.

I'll finish on this: I was worried that I wouldn't get on with my girlfriend's son, but i've found him a lovable little rascal. You'd be suprised how people can grow on you

good luck OP

Edit: Have a good read over Wibbs's post there. Probably what you need to hear

LegacyUser

Wibbs wrote: »

TBH the bit about "well to do" and "slut" are a bit of a peek into how you may feel or indeed how you think your mates and family may perceive this woman. That's an issue right there and I can't see how you're going to get by this. What I wouldn't do is get too involved with this woman until you do figure this out. You will likely hurt her if you do.

PS the biggest "slut" I know and trust me the most feminist woman who hates that term would be the first to call this wan an unresponsible slapper. Well she has never so much as had a scare on the pregnancy front. I know one woman who got pregnant the second time she had protected sex with the long term guy she lost her virginity to. Frankly it angers me when people make that assumption or others just because a woman has a child and the father isn't with her. Do not get me started on "well to do". Most in Ireland are maybe two or three generations away from shíte running down the backs of their wellies. Nothing wrong with that either, but all "well to do" means is money over time. That's it. It brings neither maturity, insight nor "class". Nor will it forge a good relationship.

Maturity, insight and acceptance will. If you feel you're not ready for this and what comes with the territory (and TBH I don't take issue or judge you for that, I would have been similar at 21), then don't play with this person.

Go for it or don't basically, but go for it with the right reasons and intentions.

That makes a alot of sense, cheers mate. You are right with regard to how my friends and family would react to me going out with her, call it narrow minded or whatever you want but they wouldn't look kindly upon it. And personally neither would I if it were one of my mates in my situation. The main issue is that it is something too serious to be getting into at my age, and I dont want to mess her about, its not fair to her.

Its the fact that if she had no child, I would actually be in love with her! I mean she's absolutely perfect in every way for me... but the kid situation is messing things up to say the least...

I feel like a complete **** for dismissing her simply because of her child...

Kold

OP, really only you know if you're able to deal with this. I know I'm not at age 23. Don't feel like an asshole though if you don't think you are, it's a huge but for a so called perfect girl.

SAVE_ME.222

she just got unlucky with her ex bf who ran away when she got pregnant.

I would question the morals of someone who allows herself to get pregnant from someone who just 'ran away'.

Mary42

SAVE_ME.222 wrote: »

I would question the morals of someone who allows herself to get pregnant from someone who just 'ran away'.

I would question the morals of someone who ran away after getting the girl pregnant.

biko

Take it slow, take it on her terms.
Be honest, say that you're too young for the responsibility of a child.

You never know, it might not be her intention to get the child another father, she might just want the company and someone to go out with - she might not even let you meet the child until after 6 months/a year.

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

Bit unfair, if you ask me, save-me...

Anyway, I wouldn't let the the kid get in the way. If you like her that much, tell her you don't feel comfortable with kids (in general, I presume) but you like her and you'd like to see where it went. Chances are, she'll understand.

Don't throw it away though: there's always be something in every relationship - it works both ways.

RIRI

SAVE_ME.222 wrote: »

I would question the morals of someone who allows herself to get pregnant from someone who just 'ran away'.

I would question the morals of the guy who ran away to be honest - anyway none of that is very helpful to the op.

OP can't you continue to see this girl without bringing her child into it. I;m sure that as a responsible mother she wouldn;t want every boyfriend meeting her kid anyway. My advice is to continue seeing her and see where it leads, the child should not be an issue in the early days of a relationship and you are both very young. Enjoy dating for a while before evein thinking of addressing this.

Best of luck

metrovelvet

OP- what are your concerns? I agree it is not unreasonable to be cautious but Im wondering what you are worried about exactly because many people anticipate in their fantasies things to worry about that probably wont happen.

Karen_*

SAVE_ME.222 wrote: »

I would question the morals of someone who allows herself to get pregnant from someone who just 'ran away'.

Really? People break up and men abandon their children absolutely all the time. Hadn't you heard? It reflects on the morals of the man I would have thought.

Mingey

Single girl with a baby = slut and should not be touched with a stick? And yet people wonder why women wish to have abortions.

_blank_

She obviously isn't the "perfect girl" for you if you have a hang up about the fact that she had a child.

Your "perfect girl" wouldn't have a child, there's nothing wrong with that, and don't let people tell you there is, but this girl, for all her amazingness, has one pretty large non-amazing point (in your eyes).

I was the same as you at 21, no way I'd get involved with a girl who had a child. Actually, that's not true. I did get involved with a girl who had a child. It was messy, the father was still in the background and being a dick. I had to get out. So I did.

So. In summary. She isn't the perfect girl for you, because in your own words "...not wanting to go out with her simply because she has a child, but I cant get involved in something that serious at my age..."

And that's fair enough. Are you an asshole? Not in the slightest. Tell her how you feel, she'll eventually thank you for it.

metrovelvet

Des wrote: »

I was the same as you at 21, no way I'd get involved with a girl who had a child. Actually, that's not true. I did get involved with a girl who had a child. It was messy, the father was still in the background and being a dick. I had to get out. So I did.

.

This is often the problem, or part of it, but in OPs case the coast is clear, at least for now. I would be more concerned if he bonded with the child and it all went belly up, then it gets complicated and sad.

So, if you see a future with this girl, then it gets complicated and if you dont see a future with her it gets complicated [if you have bonded with her child]. But if you see something very short term before the child enters the picture, then it's pretty ordinary.

nedoo

Dude, not great in the old wording department but I catch what you are saying. The fact that you say you are not ready for such a relationship says it all. Don't go there to end up breaking her heart. Stay in touch and if she is still intrested when you are ready, then happy days. You are young once, enjoy it because it flys past.

LegacyUser

Need to unreg'd to post here.

Currently seeing a girl with 2 kids. She's amazing. Maybe from an area which wouldnt produce many lawyers but she's smart and has really made a good life for herself following a self confessed misguided youth.

If you love this girl then you should be with her. Children might be tough work at times but it's easier if the child has a stable life growing up.

It's up to you but I think you'll suffer if you leave her go.

Wibbs

Des wrote: »

She obviously isn't the "perfect girl" for you if you have a hang up about the fact that she had a child.

Your "perfect girl" wouldn't have a child, there's nothing wrong with that, and don't let people tell you there is, but this girl, for all her amazingness, has one pretty large non-amazing point (in your eyes).

I was the same as you at 21, no way I'd get involved with a girl who had a child. Actually, that's not true. I did get involved with a girl who had a child. It was messy, the father was still in the background and being a dick. I had to get out. So I did.

So. In summary. She isn't the perfect girl for you, because in your own words "...not wanting to go out with her simply because she has a child, but I cant get involved in something that serious at my age..."

And that's fair enough. Are you an asshole? Not in the slightest. Tell her how you feel, she'll eventually thank you for it.

Pretty damn spot on advice right there.

_blank_

Wibbs wrote: »

Pretty damn spot on advice right there.

High praise indeed from the Wibbmeister

boredatwork82

having a kid just makes her a milf...go for it.

Wibbs

boredatwork82 unhelpful posts are not welcome in this forum. Please read the charter before posting to familiarise yourself. Thank you.

smileykey

If you are uncertain of what you want to do then I would suggest continue seeing the girl, maybe tell her in a very nice way that you need time to get used to the idea of her having a child and use that time to figure out if you can do it.

As far as I can see the only additional responsiblities with dating a single parent are if the child gets attached to you and you can avoid that for a while anyway until you know where you stand. Its not like you marrying her at 22 so there won't be financial resonsibiites or anything.

iguana

perfectgirl wrote: »

I feel like a complete **** for dismissing her simply because of her child...

Well you aren't. It's ok to feel that way. I had a relationship with a man who had a child when I was 21 and it was very tough. It's not a something I'd ever like to do again. Dating a parent is hard work, some people are fine with it and others aren't. If it's not something you want to do then don't do it. But you shouldn't beat yourself up about it.

kittensoft1984

OP.

Dont feel bad for not wanting to get involved because of the child.

Do you reckon this is something that you could work on? Is she worth it?

Like someone else said, could you not see her for a while without bringing the child into it?

boredatwork82

Wibbs wrote: »

boredatwork82 unhelpful posts are not welcome in this forum. Please read the charter before posting to familiarise yourself. Thank you.

What I am trying to say is that a kid does not have to affect anything. You can choose to not get involved with him for a while. I have gone our with a few single mothers. The only difference is that you have to give them extra notice if ye want to head out, and you don't call over to her until later at night when the kid is gone to bed. And ye can choose to get involved with kid later in the relationship, if things are going really good, and you see a future. Single mothers are independent, confident and not clingy or needy in my experience. so it makes for a good relationship, and none of that 24/7 stuff, as they don't have time for it. as opposed to a 22 yr old who doesn't have a kid. they are way more hassle.

kittensoft1984

boredatwork82 wrote: »

What I am trying to say is that a kid does not have to affect anything. You can choose to not get involved with him for a while. I have gone our with a few single mothers. The only difference is that you have to give them extra notice if ye want to head out, and you don't call over to her until later at night when the kid is gone to bed. And ye can choose to get involved with kid later in the relationship, if things are going really good, and you see a future. Single mothers are independent, confident and not clingy or needy in my experience. so it makes for a good relationship, and none of that 24/7 stuff, as they don't have time for it. as opposed to a 22 yr old who doesn't have a kid. they are way more hassle.

Why didnt ya say that in the first place!

John Mason

Dont feel bad about it.

i wouldnt touch a man with kids from previous relationship(s).

If its not what you want then there is no point in trying to ignore it

listen to your head not the inbetweeny bits at the top of your legs

boredatwork82

so long kittensoft

boredatwork82

kittensoft1984 wrote: »

Why didnt ya say that in the first place!

its so long winded

partyguinness

Go for it mate..

I went out with an amazing women for 2 years and she had a 12 son who got into more or less the same situation..father ran off etc etc. I never saw myself with a women with a child before that..the son was 12 at the start so alot older and independent which prob made a huge difference.

I am 30 so a bit older than you. It ended as I had to move for work reasons.

It will open your mind alot and you will find she is a lot more understanding and mature than other girls the same age.

Plus...she wont wreck your head as her child will be the centre of her world..not you..and that is not such a bad thing at 22...

boredatwork82

partyguinness wrote: »

Go for it mate..



It will open your mind alot and you will find she is a lot more understanding and mature than other girls the same age.

Plus...she wont wreck your head as her child will be the centre of her world..not you..and that is not such a bad thing at 22...

That sums up what i was trying to say, better than i said it.

I am thinking about been like Hugh Grants character in about a boy and try and score single mothers in single mother support groups!!!

partyguinness

pink fluffy bunny wrote: »

Dont feel bad about it.

i wouldnt touch a man with kids from previous relationship(s).

If its not what you want then there is no point in trying to ignore it

listen to your head not the inbetweeny bits at the top of your legs

Why wldnt you touch a man with kids?

Bad experience with them or just lack of maturity on your part?

Fiona44

Just because a woman has a kid it doesn't mean she wants you to be invloved in the kids life at the moment! If you say you're young and just want to have fun then what makes you think she's not feeling the same.

Whether she has a kid or not will probably not impact at all on your relationship with her until it becomes serious.

I just don't see what you think going out with someone who has a child involves...at your age, it's the same as dating anyone else. Going out, staying in, staying over.
She might not have a huge amount of free time. Neither do trainee doctors.
I guess just ask yourself what exactly it is that is putting you off her. What do you think will happen?!

partyguinness

I am guessing that with a child etc she prob isnt looking for something too serious herself at the moment...remember she has been let down badly by the previous man so she will prob keep you at arms length...she is alot tougher than you are...

LegacyUser

OP

Please dont take this relationship any further. You are not ready for a commitment with a girl with a child..actually i dont think you are ready for a relationship full stop. You need to get out into the real world and realise that " sluts " dont just come from non-well to do areas, being a single mother does not qualify you to be a " slut ". Most single mothers have a fantastic abbility to keep relationships and there children completly seperate. She more than likely want a boyfriend, friend ,companion, someone to have a laugh with let her hair down and have some fun and not a father for her child

The fact you need to think about this situation means she is not perfect for you......well not at this stage anyway

Karen_*

partyguinness wrote: »

Why wldnt you touch a man with kids?

Bad experience with them or just lack of maturity on your part?

How is not wanting to go out with someone who has a child immature? Children ARE significant you know. Its not like saying you don't want to go out with someone who has a blue jumper. I have a teenager myself and I wouldn't want to go out with a bloke who has a toddler in tow. Does that sound like double standards? I don't care! I'm allowed to want what I want and not want what I don't want. Basic human right.

tc1979

i think any woman or man that can bring a kid up on there own deserves the upmost respect

partyguinness

Karen_* wrote: »

How is not wanting to go out with someone who has a child immature? Children ARE significant you know. Its not like saying you don't want to go out with someone who has a blue jumper. I have a teenager myself and I wouldn't want to go out with a bloke who has a toddler in tow. Does that sound like double standards? I don't care! I'm allowed to want what I want and not want what I don't want. Basic human right.

Yeah....I dont recall asking you that question. It was specifically directed at the poster.

Karen_*

partyguinness wrote: »

Yeah....I dont recall asking you that question. It was specifically directed at the poster.

Well then you should have pmed if you didn't want anyone to comment on your post. You weren't askiing a genuine question anyway, you were being sarcastic and dishing out an insult.

_blank_

partyguinness wrote: »

Yeah....I dont recall asking you that question. It was specifically directed at the poster.

Why do you think she's immature?

partyguinness

The poster stated that she wldnt touch a guy with kids..fine that is entirely her choice..but she didnt elaborate as to why..so

1. I asked her why specificially, and
2. Was it because it was from a previous/bad experience? and if not then I believe such a blanket dismissal stems from immaturity as a result of not having such experience,

Now karen...they are very clear questions in my book and if you think thats being sarcastic or there is no genuine question..then I am just laughing at you

Very simple people.:rolleyes:

username123

partyguinness wrote: »

and if not then I believe such a blanket dismissal stems from immaturity.

Why? There are a number of reasons that someone might not want a relationship with someone with kids - none of which have anything to do with maturity.

partyguinness

username123 wrote: »

Why? There are a number of reasons that someone might not want a relationship with someone with kids - none of which have anything to do with maturity.

I think a blanket dismissal without first hand experience is immature and naive because that person fears the unknown.

If you have been with somebody in the past with kids and now you do not wish to do it again..thats fine..at least you know what you are talking about and speaking from experience.

laurak265

As a parent i wouldn't introduce a man to my child unless i was sure about him. I wouldn't want my son to grow up telling me he had an uncle mick, and uncle paul and uncle john etc!!!! I don't believe in that. I date men...I tell them i have a son but i don't bring my son on dates. They either want to see me then or they don't. If they don't i would appreciate they tell me that from the start and not waste my time. Simple as really! If and when i meet the right person and its going well and we both decide we have a future then we will discuss meeting my child but until then they are just dating me!

partyguinness

laurak265 wrote: »

As a parent i wouldn't introduce a man to my child unless i was sure about him. I wouldn't want my son to grow up telling me he had an uncle mick, and uncle paul and uncle john etc!!!! I don't believe in that. I date men...I tell them i have a son but i don't bring my son on dates. They either want to see me then or they don't. If they don't i would appreciate they tell me that from the start and not waste my time. Simple as really! If and when i meet the right person and its going well and we both decide we have a future then we will discuss meeting my child but until then they are just dating me!

As a matter of interest, would you keep the fact you have a child quiet at the start and then tell him or would they always know before you started dating?

Silverfish

partyguinness, keep on the actual topic. Final warning.

boredatwork82, banned for a week.

LegacyUser

I started going out with someone - who was a friend of a friend who i presmued knew i had a baby (i suppose i should have brought it up straght away but i didn't) to cut a long story short, he wasn't aware and he was a bit shock but decided that he would stay with me. everything was going well until a few wks after he turns around and tells me that he couldn't continue with the relationship as his parents didnt approve...

i found it very hard to trust anyone after this

Karen_*

partyguinness wrote: »

The poster stated that she wldnt touch a guy with kids..fine that is entirely her choice..but she didnt elaborate as to why..so

1. I asked her why specificially, and
2. Was it because it was from a previous/bad experience? and if not then I believe such a blanket dismissal stems from immaturity as a result of not having such experience,

Now karen...they are very clear questions in my book and if you think thats being sarcastic or there is no genuine question..then I am just laughing at you

Very simple people.:rolleyes:

You WERE being sarcastic. Because you hardly expected the poster to come back and say 'its because I'm immature' as you suggested to her. If it looks like a duck its usually because it IS a duck partyguinness.

Its perfectly ok to not want to take on someone elses child. Some people have no probelms with it and for others its a deal breaker. OP don't waste her time seeing how it goes if you know it can never get serious because of the child.

00112984

OP, is the issue the fact that ther eis a child in the first place or what your family will think of her being a single mother?

If she was widowed with a kid, would you find that more acceptable?