Why oh Why

The Idiot

Long time lurker in here...........and really would be grateful for some advice.

Okay being going with a girl for 10 years +.......we have 3 lovely kids.......tbh i love this girl and really fancy here and all that. The prob is when I go out on the lash i just dont know when to go home..........i like a few drink and only go out prob 1 weekend in a month.......but as soon as I have a few in me im just dont want to go home.

Anyho I did the usual last night went out for few and arrived back in the early hours of this morning........she has me bags packed when I go home so I reckon she really means it.........I cant let her go cause im mad about her but at the same time i cant keep hurting her.

I sort of want her to find someone else who makes her really happy cause she is brill but at the same time i cant cause im mad about her.

Ah its hard to write this on paper but any advice would be great.......but maybe im better off away from her ah i dont know

Cheers
The Godsh*te, clownhead, idiot

Beruthiel

Well, if she had your bags packed then she's gotten to the final straw I would say.
I would also guess that perhaps you are not telling us everything, cos when it gets to the bag packing stage, you've been a pain in the ass for sometime now, no?

My suggestion would be, take the bags and go stay with family or a friend.
Clean up your act and quit the drinking and what ever else you've been up to.
If at that stage you still want her back, go talk to her.

So you go out one weekend a month and arrive home in the early hours of the morning, before the sun has even risen, and she's kicking you out over it?

She sounds irrational, but like Beruthiel, I too feel you are not telling us the whole story.

The Idiot

Yep you are right this has been happening a long time now........but please note Im not into other girls or anything like that.

Slumdog

OP, this is like goin to a councillor and hiding stuff.. its not gonna help. whats the full story?

username123

Has to be more to this story.

Whats the root of the problem - your drinking habits which lead to late nights periodically or your behaviour (between drinking sessions?).

If the drink (and associated behaviour) is the issue then stop drinking - plenty of support groups out there to help you so that.

If you know that once you have one or two drinks you lose control of yourself and go on a mad one - then why do you do it?

The Idiot

This is the full story!

What more do u want to know?

username123

The Idiot wrote: »

This is the full story!

What more do u want to know?

Things like - has she shown dipleasure in the past over the drinking behaviour and if so what did you say about it? Have you promised to stop before? How long is it going on? How long does the row over it usually last? What else is going on (if anything).

The Idiot

Okay what im really asking here is should I let this girl walk out of me life and start a fresh or try and make it up only to hurt her again? Is it fair what i am doing?

MagicMarker

Just be a man and stop drinking ffs!!

Is one weekend a month worth losing your family over?

You need to grow up.

username123

The Idiot wrote: »

Okay what im really asking here is should I let this girl walk out of me life and start a fresh or try and make it up only to hurt her again? Is it fair what i am doing?

Does this mean that asking her to stay means you saying itll never happen again?

If you say its not gonna happen again and dont mean it then let her go.

If you are willing to change your behaviour then ask her to stay.

Ultimately she will take the decision out of your hands if you persist - she seems pretty close to that stage now.

Dont forget youre affecting your kids with this behaviour as well.

The Idiot

username123 wrote: »

Things like - has she shown dipleasure in the past over the drinking behaviour and if so what did you say about it? Have you promised to stop before? How long is it going on? How long does the row over it usually last? What else is going on (if anything).

has she shown dipleasure in the past over the drinking behaviour and if so what did you say about it? yes.........but she likes to go out aswell and id imagine she sorta knows by now that if I head out for a few that she might not see me till the next day

How long is it going on? we are together since we are 16 years old and its like this since the start

How long does the row over it usually last? a day or 2.

What else is going on (if anything) Noffin.

Cheers for your replies.

LegacyUser

Looks like you will have to choose between the drink or the girl.

Beruthiel

The Idiot wrote: »

Okay what im really asking here is should I let this girl walk out of me life and start a fresh

At the end of the day, only you can truly answer that one.

or try and make it up only to hurt her again?

Where's your back bone?
Why would you try to make it up to her and then hurt her again.
If you truly wish to be with this woman can you not just sort yourself out? Do you not have the will required to do so? Not even for your kids?
Come on now, sort yourself out man!

babyhack

There has to be more to this

What I am getting is, you go out once a month and have a few drinks (maybe a few to many) and come home in the early hours

To me that is no reason for your GF to throw away 10+ years and the father of her 3 kids

What else is going on cause there really has to be more to this

BH

username123

The Idiot wrote: »

yes.........but she likes to go out aswell and id imagine she sorta knows by now that if I head out for a few that she might not see me till the next day

But what does she say about it? And more importantly - what do you say about it?

Is the conversation:
Her : You Bastid, you did it again
You: I promise it wont happen again..

and then it happens again?

Or is it:
Her: If it happens again im leaving
You: It wont it wont

and then it happens again?

Or is it:
Her: I hate when you do this
You: Tough - Ill do what I like.

Or what?

The Idiot

Jaysus lads/lassies noffin else is goin on.

Karen_*

I'd say she's gotten advice about your drinking and is just not enabling your boozing sessions anymore. Its up to yourself now, go and get help or lose everything. Even if it is only one weekend in a month (and I doubt thats all it is) then its obviously doinguntold damage to your family.

I just had my sister on the phone in a terrible state OP, she has a small baby and her partner keeps going out on the lash bigtime. Its destroying her and she's thrown him out but she's definately the one suffering the most.

The Idiot

Yes this one:

"Or is it:
Her: If it happens again im leaving
You: It wont it wont"

Beruthiel

The Idiot wrote: »

Jaysus lads/lassies noffin else is goin on.

OK - how bad is your behaviour when you come back from the session?
What has she said to you when you do come back?
You are not giving us the full details.

bullpost

The thing I find odd here is you haven't really expressed any concerns about losing your three children - maybe its understood but I would have expected it to be more upfront?

Antilles

OP, from your description, your spouse packed your bags and kicked you out of the house that you lived in and raised children in for ten years for no reason other than you go out drinking and come home late once a month.

If those are honestly all the facts in this scenario, then your spouse is a certifiable, cloud-cookoo-land nutbar.

Nothing in the rest of your posts indicate that your spouse is a nutbar, so you are clearly not giving us all the facts. Without all the facts, nobody here can give you advice worth taking. If a) your wife is not insane and b) you believe that you have given all relevant information here, then you need to go to a counsellor because you are blind to what is happening in your own relationship.

The Idiot

Karen_* wrote: »

I'd say she's gotten advice about your drinking and is just not enabling your boozing sessions anymore. Its up to yourself now, go and get help or lose everything. Even if it is only one weekend in a month (and I doubt thats all it is) then its obviously doinguntold damage to your family.

I just had my sister on the phone in a terrible state OP, she has a small baby and her partner keeps going out on the lash bigtime. Its destroying her and she's thrown him out but she's definately the one suffering the most.

Thats the thing...........i know she is suffering but I just cant get it together.........I have all the good intentions leaving the house but as soon as im out I couldnt give too hoots what happens after that........when i come home im like "you kunt" to meself........then i say im not going out for a while now and a month later some thing comes up and here we go again

Beruthiel

bullpost wrote: »

The thing I find odd here is you haven't really expressed any concerns about losing your three children

Indeed. Most fathers would be distraught over this.

MagicMarker

Are you sure she isn't upset by your use of the word ''noffin''? That's seriously head wrecking!

@ babyshack - I think by early hours we're talking about 6-7am?

Not exactly the carry on of a mature adult with 3 kids.

babyhack

Its once a month
She is really willing to throw away 10 years over 1 night drinking a month

Im sorry but I really cant get my head around this
The OP has every right to his own time and a night out if he wishes
Yes cut down on the drink and maybe come home earlier (have a taxi booked for around 12 or so to collect you and bring you home)

BH

Karen_*

Karen_* wrote: »

I just had my sister on the phone in a terrible state OP, she has a small baby and her partner keeps going out on the lash bigtime. Its destroying her and she's thrown him out but she's definately the one suffering the most.

There's a difference here though. The OP says he goes out once a month.

Beruthiel

The Idiot wrote: »

Thats the thing...........i know she is suffering but I just cant get it together.........I have all the good intentions leaving the house but as soon as im out I couldnt give too hoots what happens after that

Then you clearly have a drink problem and should quit the drink totally.

Karen_*

The Idiot wrote: »

Thats the thing...........i know she is suffering but I just cant get it together.........I have all the good intentions leaving the house but as soon as im out I couldnt give too hoots what happens after that........when i come home im like "you kunt" to meself........then i say im not going out for a while now and a month later some thing comes up and here we go again

I know where you're coming from OP as I can never stop after the one myself. These days I have none as that's the only thing seems to work. I just think its not worth losing your family over a few drinks and if you love the few drinks more than your family then you have a serious drink problem even if you do only indulge once a month. Just maybe weight up whats more important. Next time you have your scoops you won't have to worry about going home because you won't have a home to go to.

Karen_*

Deleted User wrote: »

There's a difference here though. The OP says he goes out once a month.

If once a month is wrecking his or her life then its once a month too many. And there's no difference at all. Is his wife not distraught and his kids without their father today??

The Idiot

Beruthiel wrote: »

Indeed. Most fathers would be distraught over this.

Im not going to just walk out on them........I love my kids........i would take them for good no probs if she let me.

No tbh i would see meself as a good father to my kids.........well now that you say my oul man was a drunk but I still love him?

Ah this is tuff trying to put on paper. but here please stop asking is there something else cause there is not......and please dont call my (maybe ex now) gf a nutbar.

MagicMarker

The Idiot wrote: »

No tbh i would see meself as a good father to my kids.........well now that you say my oul man was a drunk but I still love him?

Would you prefer it if he wasn't a drunk?

Pub07

Hang on a second, you go out ONCE A MONTH, and she is going to leave you and break up your family over this? And people are saying you are the unreasonable one? Going out once a month is about as reasonable as you can get, what does she want you to do, sit in every single day of the month without 1 night out to meet some of your friends? I cant see why people are talking as if the op has a drink problem, he's goes for a few drinks 1 day out of 30 for god sake.

The_Idiot wrote:

Thats the thing...........i know she is suffering but I just cant get it together.........I have all the good intentions leaving the house but as soon as im out I couldnt give too hoots what happens after that........when i come home im like "you kunt" to meself........then i say im not going out for a while now and a month later some thing comes up and here we go again

Why are you beating yourself up over this, you've done nothing wrong, theres nothing wrong with going and meeting your friends for a few drinks. Your gf needs to start living in the real world. To give you an ultimatum like this that she's leaving if you keep going out for your ONE NIGHT A MONTH means she is either a complete and utter control freak or has lost her grasp of reality.

Karen_* wrote: »

I'd say she's gotten advice about your drinking and is just not enabling your boozing sessions anymore. Its up to yourself now, go and get help or lose everything. Even if it is only one weekend in a month (and I doubt thats all it is) then its obviously doinguntold damage to your family.

I just had my sister on the phone in a terrible state OP, she has a small baby and her partner keeps going out on the lash bigtime. Its destroying her and she's thrown him out but she's definately the one suffering the most.

The OP goes out once a month, I hardly call that going out on the lash bigtime.

I still find it hard to belive that this is the whole story op, she couldn't be so irrational as to make such an issue out of something completely normal.

The Idiot

MagicMarker wrote: »

Would you prefer it if he wasn't a drunk?

Not sure........prob no.......he is a very nice man.......He likes his drink......so.

username123

OP - you have a drink problem.

You are putting the drink ahead of your family. You are breaking promises that itll never happen again.

You need help man - as soon as you read this ring AA.

Pub07

Karen_* wrote: »

If once a month is wrecking his or her life then its once a month too many. And there's no difference at all. Is his wife not distraught and his kids without their father today??

How could once a month be wreaking her life? Please tell me how? He didn't say he was abusive or anything, he just comes home late from a night out, like we all do, once a month. Does she want him chained to kitchen table so he cant do anything at all without her persmission? Where does he draw the line on his personal freedom...he is not the unreasonable one in this situation.

The Idiot

Pub07 wrote: »

I still find it hard to belive that this is the whole story op, she couldn't be so irrational as to make such an issue out of something completely normal.

Like i've said she is sick of me doing this.

Okay people please note I have a job, im a good father..........she is just feed up with me doing this. She has me bags packed should I go and leave it be cause i know i'll do it again or start a fresh?

MagicMarker

Pub07 wrote: »

Hang on a second, you go out ONCE A MONTH, and she is going to leave you and break up your family over this? And people are saying you are the unreasonable one? Going out once a month is about as reasonable as you can get, what does she want you to do, sit in every single day of the month without 1 night out to meet some of your friends? I cant see why people are talking as if the op has a drink problem, he's goes for a few drinks 1 day out of 30 for god sake.

I'm sure if you asked his girlfriend she'd prefer him to go out once a week and come home at a normal hour rather than once a month and not come home till the next day!

Wibbs

The Idiot wrote: »

Yes this one:

"Or is it:
Her: If it happens again im leaving
You: It wont it wont"

There's your answer. She simply has lost trust in you. Respect and then attraction and thoughts of sharing a future with you follow out the door pretty quickly after that. IMHO this isn't about the drink or the amount of times a month. Naturaly that's the obvious one, so many will look and say "what's her problem?" or "give up the drink". The latter is certainly more valid, but the actual issue is her trust or lack of it with you. This could happen over anything that a person repeatedly does and then repeatedly swears they won't. It'll destroy the best of relationships.

EDIT* I wouldn't be surprised if you went out twice a month, had a few pints with your friends, didn't get mouldy and came home at an hour when you said you would, this would be not nearly the issue it is. If you can't do that and you want to save your relationship, family and children then you will have to knock the gargle on the head.

MagicMarker

The Idiot wrote: »

Like i've said she is sick of me doing this.

Okay people please note I have a job, im a good father..........she is just feed up with me doing this. She has me bags packed should I go and leave it be cause i know i'll do it again or start a fresh?

Dude, this is your FAMILY!!

DON'T do it again.

If you can go 3 weeks without a drink then you can go 4.

Grow a pair and take responsibility for yourself. Saying you'll do it again if you go back is pitiful. No one is holding a gun to your head ffs.

Pub07

I can imagine if any woman I know, relative/friend/acquaintance said she was going to leave her bf of 10 years and father of her 3 children because he meets his friends for a few drinks once a month, everyone would think she is completely and utterly crazy....it just doesnt make any sense, you dont have a drink problem if you go out once a month for god sake.

Beruthiel

The Idiot wrote: »

Not sure........prob no.......he is a very nice man.......He likes his drink......so.

Did it affect his relationship with your mother?
When a child sees a parent behave in a certain way, like drinking a lot, that child takes it as normal. To you this might not be much of a problem, sure you grew up with it and it did you no harm. Or did it....?
Here you are now with a drink problem, except your g/f isn't having any of it.

Go to AA and get yourself sorted. Whither you drink every night or once a month, there is no difference - both types are still alcoholics if they cannot handle their behaviour.

The Idiot

MagicMarker wrote: »

I'm sure if you asked his girlfriend she'd prefer him to go out once a week and come home at a normal hour rather than once a month and not come home till the next day!

This is true. But lads/lassies i think im done for she wont take me back now

Jaysus what a fookin sh8te day.

davmol

Have to agree with pub07 are you all seriously mad in the head?

The man drinks once a month and comes home at 1,2 or maybe even 3:eek:.SO WHAT!!

FFS what is he supposed to do sit in for the rest of his life,have no social life,no meeting with his friends,no contact to the outside world??

HE has NOT got a drink problem,he likes a few drinks ONCE A MONTH.Almost every single person I know likes to go out an stay out past 'curfew'.Jesus your a grown man whos seems like a good caring father so why cant you go out past a certain hour with friends?!!

You stay in every other night ,im assuming, so what cant you have some adult interaction for ONE night a month without havng to look at your watchevery 5 mins and just let off some steam,chill ,relax!!
If my GF gave me restrictions like that she'd get the boot VERY quick!!Fair enough you have kis etc ,but going out once a month til 2 or 3 am is hardly ground for her to leave!!

The Idiot

Beruthiel wrote: »

Did it affect his relationship with your mother?
When a child sees a parent behave in a certain way, like drinking a lot, that child takes it as normal. To you this might not be much of a problem, sure you grew up with it and it did you no harm. Or did it....?
Here you are now with a drink problem, except your g/f isn't having any of it.

Go to AA and get yourself sorted. Whither you drink every night or once a month, there is no difference - both types are still alcoholics if they cannot handle their behaviour.

Reckon you have just hit the nail on the head. Cheers

The Idiot

davmol wrote: »

Have to agree with pub07 are you all seriously mad in the head?

The man drinks once a month and comes home at 1,2 or maybe even 3:eek:.SO WHAT!!

FFS what is he supposed to do sit in for the rest of his life,have no social life,no meeting with his friends,no contact to the outside world??

HE has NOT got a drink problem,he likes a few drinks ONCE A MONTH.Almost every single person I know likes to go out an stay out past 'curfew'.Jesus your a grown man whos seems like a good caring father so why cant you go out past a certain hour with friends?!!

You stay in every other night ,im assuming, so what cant you have some adult interaction for ONE night a month without havng to look at your watchevery 5 mins and just let off some steam,chill ,relax!!
If my GF gave me restrictions like that she'd get the boot VERY quick!!Fair enough you have kis etc ,but going out once a month til 2 or 3 am is hardly ground for her to leave!!

No no im being totally honest here it more like 6/7am, unfortunately.

Wibbs

The Idiot wrote: »

Okay people please note I have a job, im a good father..........she is just feed up with me doing this. She has me bags packed should I go and leave it be cause i know i'll do it again or start a fresh?

Frankly you come across at not being too pushed either way. You have what is it, three kids? Do you not think you could communicate better with the mother of your children to solve this, rather than throwing in the towel like a child yourself?

The Idiot

Wibbs wrote: »

There's your answer. She simply has lost trust in you. Respect and then attraction and thoughts of sharing a future with you follow out the door pretty quickly after that. IMHO this isn't about the drink or the amount of times a month. Naturaly that's the obvious one, so many will look and say "what's her problem?" or "give up the drink". The latter is certainly more valid, but the actual issue is her trust or lack of it with you. This could happen over anything that a person repeatedly does and then repeatedly swears they won't. It'll destroy the best of relationships.

EDIT* I wouldn't be surprised if you went out twice a month, had a few pints with your friends, didn't get mouldy and came home at an hour when you said you would, this would be not nearly the issue it is. If you can't do that and you want to save your relationship, family and children then you will have to knock the gargle on the head.

Cheers for this, good reply.

Karen_*

Pub07 wrote: »

How could once a month be wreaking her life? Please tell me how? He didn't say he was abusive or anything, he just comes home late from a night out, like we all do, once a month. Does she want him chained to kitchen table so he cant do anything at all without her persmission? Where does he draw the line on his personal freedom...he is not the unreasonable one in this situation.

Well I don't know how it could but obviously it is.

Like yourself I'm finding it hard to beleive this is the whole story and am commenting accordingly. I really don't get why you're arguing with me, the fact of the matter is that this guy is out of the house and its because of his drinking habits. You're right that his OH couldn't be so irrational as to make an issue out of a happy chappy having a few too many every once in a blue moon. And just as a matter of interest, people with drinking problems will always play down what they're like. Evryone else is the unreasonable one to hear them tell it.

The Idiot

Wibbs wrote: »

Frankly you come across at not being too pushed either way. You have what is it, three kids? Do you not think you could communicate better with the mother of your children to solve this, rather than throwing in the towel like a child yourself?

She has had enough of me.........if i go to the house after work and try and explain "i wont do it again"...........she has heard this all before........how do I explain i mean it now..........and actually do I mean it now......im not sure cause i prob do it again cause im a fookin dope :mad:

davmol

Once a month?
1)Do u spend time with your kids other than those few hours A MONTH?
2)Do u provide for them?
3)Spend time with them?
4)Provide for your partner?
5)Ever beat or verbally abuse your kids/wife?
6)EVer cheat?(you said No to that)
7)Gambel all your money away?
Drink alone ?

If u answer for 1 to 4 is yes and 5 to 7 is no to these your doing a very good job and going out once a month/letting off steam til 6/7 is a far cry from being a bad partner/dad.

Just look at someof the sotries here on boards and compare yourself!!