Funny for thursday

beertons

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. |
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|The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent. |
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|2. A set of jump leads walk into a bar. |
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|The bartender says, 'I'll serve you, but don't start anything.' |
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|3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted. |
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|4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra. |
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|5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: |
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|'A beer please, and one for the road.' |
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|6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: |
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|'Does this taste funny to you ?' |
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|7. 'Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.' |
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|'That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.' |
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|'Is it common ?' |
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|'Well, It's Not Unusual.' |
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|8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. |
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|Daisy says to Dolly, 'I was artificially inseminated this morning.' |
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|'I don't believe you,' says Dolly. |
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|'It's true; no bull!' exclaims Daisy. |
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|9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. |
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|The kids were nothing to look at either. |
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|10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before. |
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|11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any. |
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|12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. |
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|He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs !' |
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|The doctor replied, 'I know you can't - I've cut off your arms !' |
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|13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel. |
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|14. What do you call a fish with no eyes ? |
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|A fsh. |
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|15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. |
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|One turns to the other and says, 'Dam !' |
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|16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were a bit cold, so they lit a fire in the craft. |
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|It sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too. |
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|17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, |
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|and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. |
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|After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to |
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|disperse. |
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|'But why,' they asked, as they moved off. |
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|'Because,' he said, 'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.' |
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|18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. |
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|One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named 'Ahmal.' |
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|The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him 'Juan.' |
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|Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. |
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|Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.|
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|Her husband responds, 'They're twins ! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.' |
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|19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, |
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|which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. |
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|He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, |
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|he suffered from bad breath. |
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|This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) ..... |
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|A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. |
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|20 And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope |
|that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. |
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|No pun in ten did.