Female famine

LegacyUser

basically my situation is this, i'm a 29 yr old bloke and i'm single. i started going out with a girl when i was 20 and was mad about her. she broke up with me 3 years ago and i havent gone out with anyone since. in the first two years after we broke up i had a few one night stands which i didnt much enjoy but for the past year and a bit i havent been with anyone.

i was out recently and could have pulled but i just didnt bother to seize the opportunity, anytime a woman shows any interest i seem to come up with some reason not to like her. i seem to find fault with any woman i meet. my male frinds just seem to think that i'm too picky which is probably true. the problem is that my ex was the full package and i just feel that i cant move on until i meet someone who matches the standard she set.

i dunno how this thread sounds. i just feel like the best years of my life are passsing me by and i'm stuck in a mire that i cant get out of. i'm not looking for a trophy gf but its like i need to find someone who can compare to my ex before i can move on. I'm afraid this famine could continue ofr years. if anyone else understands or has been in similar situation, pls reply

username123

Unregistered wrote: »

the problem is that my ex was the full package and i just feel that i cant move on until i meet someone who matches the standard she set.

wrong my friend - youre the one setting the standard. Get her off the pedestal and start living your life again.

You need to take that initial step that you keep shying away from. Next time you meet a girl dont blow her off cos she doesnt meet your ex's 'standard', date her for a while - how much can you judge someones standard on one meeting in a pub, maybe if you have a few dates you'll realise that there are cool qualities about a new person.

Its just you preventing you from moving on.

Maybe youre depressed? Have you talked to a doc about your 'stuck in a rut' feelings?

Overheal

It is factually impossible for a stranger or even an acquaintance to ever "match up" with a woman you had an intimate relationship with for 6 years. That only ever happens when you decide to take some chances and spend another 6 years with someone else.

LegacyUser

Hi OP, you need to forget your ex - she's an ex for a reason - I'm guessing you're not 100% over her so there's no way you're in the right mindset to meet and appreciate someone new. Move on, she probably has - 3 years on. You need to open yourself up to some new and different opportunities. Good luck!

thisisme

OP no woman is perfect, nor is any relationship. Like others have said, she is your ex for a reason. something was wrong in the relationship for it to fail dont blame yourself and not her - it takes 2 to maintain a relationship and 2 to break it up.

Im not saying drop your standards just keep an open mind. A friend of mine has a plaque on his door - "a stranger is a friend I have not yet met."

My cousin lost his wife of 2 years to Breast cancer She was a lovely girl, pretty, blonde (and had a pHD:D) for a long time he thought he could never meet anyone as good as her. He did and married a lovely woman last year physically the polar opposite to his first wife (no less beautiful or inteligent)
Being too picky might make you miss out on a great girl. No harm in meeting a girl for a drink/ meal. If it works, grand if not move on. easy as....

Good luck.

impr0v

You're looking to prove yourself. If you find someone that, in your eyes, is as good as or better than your ex and you can make something happen with her then it finally proves that your ex was wrong to dump you, doesn't it.

missmatty

I dunno, i think the other posters are being unduly harsh. Nothing wrong with beng picky or having high standards. I've had a couple of relationships but nothing to match a guy I knew when I was in my teens, that was on another level. You shouldn't 'have' to meet someone for a drink or dinner just for the sake of it, I think you know when there is a spark or not. I understand the feeling of time passing by and being in your prime but there's nothing really you can do, just enjoy your life and stop worrying about it

LegacyUser

impr0v wrote: »

You're looking to prove yourself. If you find someone that, in your eyes, is as good as or better than your ex and you can make something happen with her then it finally proves that your ex was wrong to dump you, doesn't it.

thats kind of it. since we broke up im sure that she was out of my league all along and i still think that to this day. this is compounded by the fact that i havent been able to attract anyone i would consider as physically attractive as her since. i know that sounds shallow but its always what i think. i cut all contact but from what i know of her, her life became more sucessfull after we broke up whereas i just fell apart and am only getting things back now. I just cant seem to move on until i meet someone i consider better then her

Húrin

Unregistered wrote: »

thats kind of it. since we broke up im sure that she was out of my league all along

Leagues are bullshit - it's social Darwinism.

Altar_Ego_Boy

OP my heart goes out to you. Like many guys, I went through the same thing as you when I lost my most beloved g/f.

Im not sure what advice I can give. Obviously the old "time heals all wounds" cliche is not helpful here.

Im no psychiatrist so i dont know if its a particular neurosis you have or if you may be fundamentally depressed.

The only thing that comes to mind is that chapter from 'Fever Pitch' by Nick Hornby. He talks about how Liam Bradys departure from arsenal paralled Hornbys split from his girlfriend. Just as arsenal went into decline for nearly a decade after Brady left, Hornby fell into a depression for the rest of his twenties following the break up.

He goes on about how no subsequent relationship he had could compare with the lost girl but eventually he did find someone and he was able to move on.

I cant remember what he said but it was something like its hard to lose someone you love but eventually youll find a new person with different qualities and thats as good a way as coping as any.

Sorry if thats not helpful advice but i found it made sense to me when i went through your situation- theres a lot of women out there and theyre all very much different.

You have to let go of any strict set of criteria you have for a potential g/f because there is simply no way you can regain what you lost 3 years ago.
Better things await you if you allow yourself to move on.

Overheal

Unregistered wrote: »

thats kind of it. since we broke up im sure that she was out of my league all along and i still think that to this day. this is compounded by the fact that i havent been able to attract anyone i would consider as physically attractive as her since. i know that sounds shallow but its always what i think. i cut all contact but from what i know of her, her life became more sucessfull after we broke up whereas i just fell apart and am only getting things back now. I just cant seem to move on until i meet someone i consider better then her

Its all about confidence there: You perceive your ex to be this certain tier of womanhood that you think you dont deserve because she dumped you, so you are only confident enough to attract anyone you see as less than her.

On the other hand, if you had spent the 3 years saying to yourself "I could have done 10 times better than that cow!" ahem, you probably would already be with someone 10 times better.

username123

Its all subjective, you think your ex was the pinnacle of perfection of a gf - Im sure there are other guys out there who would think she was blase or even find her unattractive (im not talking looks only here, the whole package, looks, personality, interests etc...). You in turn might think that their girlfriends are plain, boring, etc...

The thing about standards is that they are all subjective. One mans perfection is another mans nightmare and all of that.

If you think you havent managed to attract someone as good looking as your ex since you broke up then go out and start attracting girls using a positive attitude. You will not attract the mirror image of your ex. Its not possible, people are different in many ways. If you keep harking back to the past you wont move on in the future.