Big Giant Huge Mess

LegacyUser · 13-01-2009 12:56pm #1

I'm in a bit of a mess.
Almost 5 years ago I had a one night stand with a casual friend who I knew fancied me.
I had just finished college and she had just finished her first year there.
She knew I was leaving so we agreed it was just a one night thing.
Anyway I went off traveling for a year and then settled back in my home town and got a job.
Last summer I got a promotion & transfer to the same city I went to college in.
The plan was I'd move there first and my girlfriend of two years would then join me when she got work.
So I moved and I ran into my old friend but she would barely speak to me.
I assumed it was because I had never contacted her since but then I saw she had a nearly 4 year old son ... and there is no doubt that he's mine either I'm mixed race and the kid looks just like me.
Anyway as it happened, she had told my cousin about the pregnancy and asked him to tell me as she felt I had a right to know.
He thought it was best if I didn't know (I could've killed him for this...) and never told me and as I was away she had no way of contacting me herself and so she figured I wanted nothing to do with him.
Anyway this knocked me for six ... I tried to explain to her that I really had no idea and even got my cousin to admit he never passed on the message.
After some effort, she's allowed me to see the child on the promise that I do not mess him around.
So now I have a number of issues, first off I have some crippling guilt to deal with.
I feel awful, she was only 18 when she had my baby and had to drop out of college. Her family live abroad and so could not realy help her out much.
She works part time and they live in a small flat.
All this time she's been alone and struggling while I've been living the high life. I'm 27 now, she's 22 btw.

I also can't believe I've missed so much of my son's life , his first steps etc.
The other problem is my girlfriend. She has not taken to this at all. At first she was very angry with me, thinking I'd kept it all from her but now she's just acting spoilt.
I don't really blame her but it's starting to wear a bit thin.
She badmouths my son's mother constantly even though she knows nothing about her calls her The Skank etc, has no interest in him, went ballistic over me wanting to buy a lot of christmas presents and decorate a room in my new house for him. Also I want my son's mother to move to a bigger place and I'm willing to pay for this but my girlfriend is pretty put off by this.
My sons mother has picked up on this and is now saying she doesn't want our child near anyone who doesn't want him around.
She's very protective of him that way. She feels she's let him down by not providing a "proper" family for him.
My girlfriend is/was very family orientated and always talked about marraige and kids and I feel that my "little secret" (as she calls him

) has ruined this illusion of a perfect life for her.
I'm proud of my son and my family adore him, it was a shock for them of course but they have come to count him as one of the family (even that cousin!).
But my girlfriend didn't want anyone to know and if we're talking with friends and I bring it up she tries to change the subject.
She hasn't moved and now wants me to give up my job and house and move back to our home town and just pay maintenence and see my son once a month.
On the surface she looks like a selfish b*tch but in a way I can see where she is coming from, it was just the two of us for a long time and we had made plans together.

I'm starting to lose feelings for my girlfriend and have this need to look after my son's mother.
I just want to do right by everyone, my son, my girlfriend and my sons mother.

MagicMarker · 13-01-2009 1:13pm

First of all, I'd be having words with your cousin. He had NO RIGHT to keep this from you, he is now responsible for a 4 year old not having a father for the first few years of his life. Words can't express how awful his actions were!

Secondly, don't try and look after your kid's mother, that's not your job. Your duty is to your child, make sure he's is well looked after and provided for, granted this may include helping out the mother on occasion.

Thirdly, tell your GF to cop the fúck on. She is now the no. 2 priority in your life, if she can't accept that then show her where the door is. No ifs or buts.

LadyE · 13-01-2009 1:21pm

The way your girlfriend is acting is a disgrace, calling your son "the secret" and his mother a skank is horrible!

She has to accept that this little person is going to be in your life forever whether she likes it or not, and you will make your house comfortable for him (the room you want to decorate) so she needs to deal with them or move on.

I understand it must be difficult for her, if you had your plans etc but they way she is behaving isnt going to do her any favours.

LegacyUser · 13-01-2009 1:22pm

It sounds to me like your girlfriend needs to grow up. OK, she can be excused for being shocked - but she sounds like she is being petty and nasty. You are the child's father and you have a right and duty to do everything you can to help him out and be involved in his life.

Every relationship will have its times of crisis and they really test people's character. To me, it sounds like your girlfriend has really let you down by acting this way.

I don't think you should be worrying too much about your girlfriend at this point. She should be the one supporting and helping you, and if she isn't doing it now then she probably won't do it any other time there is a problem for you either.

Phenix · 13-01-2009 1:29pm

your GF is clearly rattled that all her well laid plans have been trashed but you are going to have to sit down and talk to her. Explain to her regardless of her dismisal of your son, her tantrums and bad mouthing, that little boy is goign to be part of your family as of now. She either has to accept that and change her attitues or else she needs to leave. Its going to be an uphill struggle for the child also you know, not just you. It must be hard for him now that this stranger is now visiting him saying he is his dad and he has a whole new family he never knew. It cant be easy vising you and your gf is giving hateful vibes!

Wibbs · 13-01-2009 1:29pm

MagicMarker wrote: »

First of all, I'd be having words with your cousin. He had NO RIGHT to keep this from you, he is now responsible for a 4 year old not having a father for the first few years of his life. Words can't express how awful his actions were!

While I agree it was a bad show, it happened, he screwed up and the OP has tackled him on it. Mulling it over and picking at it as one would a scab, is not going to be healthy at this stage. Move on. It appears the OP has anyway.

Secondly, don't try and look after your kid's mother, that's not your job. Your duty is to your child, make sure he's is well looked after and provided for, granted this may include helping out the mother on occasion.

I would agree. Though I'm getting the notion that attraction may be building for the mum too. I'd be damned careful that the OP doesn't mistake guilt and a fathers love for attraction for the mother though. Step back time. But yea pretty much spot on advice from MM there.

Thirdly, tell your GF to cop the fúck on. She is now the no. 2 priority in your life, if she can't accept that then show her where the door is. No ifs or buts.

Yes and no. Sounds great in theory, but if he wants to keep this relationship going he also has to acknowledge(which it seems he does) that this is a major shock to the girlfriend. A serious WTF moment. She needs to also see, as you said that his child is a big priority in his life and no mistake. Lots of talking needs to be done now. If after that she still sticks the bottom lip out well then I would let her go.

crazzzzy · 13-01-2009 1:33pm

Have you told your GF that your son is always gonna be part of your life. I can understand this is a huge shock for her and it does change your future plans. you need to have a good talk and decide if she can deal with this....if not then you have to choose which is most important.

Its a messy situation and the only solution is to talk it through and see what happens.

Well done on you for taking such an interest in your son. there are guys out there who wouldn't be that bothered and wouldnt even want to pay maintenance.

Try get your GF to see that you can't just drop your son now. she is probably feeling bit insecure that you have someone else important in your life and maybe shes a little jealous. Ya shes being a bit selfish but under the circumstances its not that surprising. Try not beat yourself up over missing out on your son's baby years cause its not your fault you didn't know bout him....enjoy the time ye have together now.

Daithio · 13-01-2009 2:28pm

I know it's a shock for your girlfriend, but if she can't see that it's a massive shock for you too, then I think you should end it with her. She really does sound like a selfish cow, tbh.

who007 · 13-01-2009 2:34pm

I feel for you man,
but
(and this is just my opinion)
1. your son should now come first
2. this has brought out a rather nasty side to your gf which now you know about; can you ignore?
3. your ex sounds like a saint, try and belatedly do right by her - and I don't mean get back with her, but help out with money, babysitting, etc. etc. and if your gf makes an issue of it ditch her. Your son is for the rest of your life regardless of which (or any) women are in it.

Once you've made the right choices for your relationship with your son, anything else will seem unimportant - or less important than it does now.

banshee_bones · 13-01-2009 2:34pm

crazzzzy wrote: »

Have you told your GF that your son is always gonna be part of your life. I can understand this is a huge shock for her and it does change your future plans. you need to have a good talk and decide if she can deal with this....if not then you have to choose which is most important.

Well done on you for taking such an interest in your son. there are guys out there who wouldn't be that bothered and wouldnt even want to pay maintenance.

Try get your GF to see that you can't just drop your son now. she is probably feeling bit insecure that you have someone else important in your life and maybe shes a little jealous. Ya shes being a bit selfish but under the circumstances its not that surprising. Try not beat yourself up over missing out on your son's baby years cause its not your fault you didn't know bout him....enjoy the time ye have together now.

+1

Spot on

LegacyUser · 13-01-2009 2:37pm

Op here,

To be honest I am a little attracted to the mother not just physically I'm just in awe of how she's handled things, BUT I would never ever act on this,
Firstly out of respect to my girlfriend and even though her behaviour is upseting for me at the moment she is still my partner and I do love her.
Secondly, I have only just began to get to know the mother, we were never close friends before and the way things are with her now is just "nice". We can chat about my son and so on without it being forced or awkward there's no resentment for me now and I really wouldn't want to destroy all that even if I was in position to do so.

I think my biggest problem with my gf is that we are living so far apart at the moment it's hard to communicate with her as we get frustrated over the phone and the slighest throwaway comment can send her off the handle where as when I'm actually there with her it's a lot easier to deal with her tantrums.
I was thinking of brining her on a holiday for a week but on the other hand again I feel guilty going off enjoying myself...

LegacyUser · 13-01-2009 2:40pm

Daithio wrote: »

I know it's a shock for your girlfriend, but if she can't see that it's a massive shock for you too, then I think you should end it with her. She really does sound like a selfish cow, tbh.

my first thought too.
She loves the notion of her plans far more than you yourself by the sounds of it. I think.

Your boy is your boy and always will be. you taking care of the girl is not a bad thing as ok it may be out of guilt but its also out of obligation (you owe this girl 4 years of maintenance as she struggled to fend for your (together) child for a start but also she gave up a alot and the least you can do its make the mother of your child's life a little more tolerable. you pointed out it was fairly dead end to be honest,

your cousin was a prat. people cop on and i hope he will but bothering with him is a waste of your energy.

finally i say don't get involved if you are unwilling to put your son first (before your GF or any woman that will come your way to be honest - his own mother included).

the good news is even if you did miss some stuff the best is yet to come - you have a little one and the child's mother sounds like a forgiving person willing to let you be part of his life - I don't know after the mess you wrote about would i have been as good in her shoes.

LegacyUser · 13-01-2009 2:43pm

I don't see why everybody thinks that the girlfriend is such a b*tch, this is a huge thing to accept and they have been together a long time, I really do not think that she should suddenly become second priority to him.

Oryx · 13-01-2009 2:47pm

Thank god, for all concerned, that the truth did come out, and you are getting to be a part of your son's life. And its great that you have taken this shock in your stride and are getting actively involved.

But while you have taken it in your stride, that might make it harder to understand the feelings of those that cannot deal with it. Your girlfriend, for example. Your son's mother might also have a few moments of exerting control too, (as she did when she made the entirely appropriate rule about being around those who dislike him). Your own part in this you seem to be handling so well, the parts you dont control might prove more difficult. Your patience will be needed in allowing your gf, your son, and his mother to adapt to the changes, which will be ongoing.

As for your girlfriend, sure, she is being petulant. But this just threw a bomb into her future as she imagined it. If she had a cozy fairytale twosome pictured for you both, thats gone now, and she needs time to take it on board and develop the maturity to deal with it. Everyone no matter what their life is like, will hit moments like this, where you have to change your expectations, grow up, and move on. This is her time for that. All you can do is sit down with her, and tell her you both are still a unit if she still wants you in your new circumstances. But if she still wants you, then she has to accept your son as part of your package. Spiteful comments or behaviour are totally unacceptable, she needs to know that if her bitterness continues, she will lose you. Once you lay your cards on the table with her, it is up to her to decide what to do, and whether she is willing to take on a life with a man who already has a child. Treat her like an adult, hopefully she will stop behaving like a child.

And lastly, you call this a Big Giant Huge Mess, and at first glance it might appear like that, but its not. You discovered your son, you are ok with it, your family love him, you are reconciled with his mother. That sounds mostly like a good thing, not a big mess.

Pub07 · 13-01-2009 2:52pm

Has to be terrible for your girlfriend, its possible that she might just not be able to get over this. You have to tell her that what's done is done and if she cant deal with it your relationship is gonna have to end as she either accepts the child (and the mother to an extent, its out of line calling her 'the skank' when she's done nothing wrong) or her negative energy is just gonna keep getting worse and worse and the relationship is doomed then anyway.

Das Kitty · 13-01-2009 2:56pm

If your girlfriend was decent, at this stage she'd be well over her initial shock and would be working with you to make your son a part of both your lives. A relationship is supposed to be a partnership.

You did nothing at all wrong. She's a spoilt brat and to be honest, if she can't cop on and grow up you're well rid of her.

seamus · 13-01-2009 3:07pm

Can't really add much more to what's been said. Oryx's comment is particularly true. You call it "One big giant mess", but you've managed to accept a four-year-old child as yours and begin to take care of it, reconcile with the mother and get your family to accept the child as one of theirs. Kudos, many others may have run a mile or only made things worse.

As others have said, it's a shock to your girlfriend. You don't mention it in your post, but I get the impression that you did what you needed to do to accept this child, but perhaps you never talked to your girlfriend about it and about how to adapt your relationship to cope/accept the addition of the child.

From her perspective, the child and its mother may be the "other family" in your life and your girlfriend is feeling a little excluded. Her actions suggest that she's afraid of losing you to them. If you really do love her and see yourself settling down, then you should be aiming to include her in all interactions with the child. Even though she can't be a mother to the child, that doesn't mean she can't develop a closeness and a bond with it, like an aunt. If you're going to spend the rest of your life with this woman, then the child is going to play a part in her life that's almost as big as the part it will play in yours.

In terms of feeling guilty, it's definitely understandable that you would want to make amends for the years that you were absent and the sacrifices you didn't have to make, but you have to make peace with the fact that you did nothing wrong and it's not your fault that those years were lost.
Rather than try to "compensate" her with a nicer place, excessive gifts and enormous maintenance payments, you may be better off providing less tangible assistance, such as giving her enough time without the child so that she can get a part-time job and/or go back to college. She's still very young so there's plenty of time for her to get back on her feet.
This will make it appear less like the mother is a leech on your finances and would give yourself and your girlfriend the necessary time to develop proper familial bonds with the child.

smileykey · 13-01-2009 3:40pm

I can understand why your GF might be a little put out by this but she's acting like she's the five year old not your son. You need to sit her down and make her realise that you have 4 years to catch up on, She's had you to herself for the last 2 years but your son hasn't had you at all! And you've also got to make it clear that you're doing this for your son and you and not for his mother.

With regards you wanting to help them get a larger place you should be paying them maintenance anyway so couldn't that go towards a new place and your Gf has no right to complain about it because its your parental obligation.

the loss of attraction for your GF may be because you're bitter that she's not supporting you in something thats so important in your life. Also something this big is bound to change you a lot and maybe thats partly the reason. Or it might even just be that the guilt you mentioned is taking you over and preventing you from being fully attracted to anyone.

I hope you guys sort this out and I hope you know how lucky you are to have found you son and how lucky he is to finally have you

LegacyUser · 13-01-2009 4:13pm

Hi OP again,

Thanks so much everyone for the replies so far.

I think my gf's problem is more with the mother than the son,
She has it in her head that we were lovers for a long time (not true) or that the mother still holds a flame for me and is a bit threatened.
I kinda see where she is coming from if my girlfriend was suddenly back in contact with some friend she'd slept with I'd feel a bit funny. I guess that's why I'm being so paitent with her.

I wish she would just see past that because I know if she actually spent time with my son properly she'd see he's just a little version of me and why it's so important for me to have him in my life.

The trouble is now she doesn't want to visit and I have to go to her and it's a bit of a drive.
I have taken him with me before and he sleeps at my mother's house but my girlfriend just moans about what little time we have together being interuppted, because in fairness the drive knackers the little guy and by the end of the first day he's missing his mam like crazy and is out of sorts so my girlfriend only sees him being tired and cranky and I think he's starting to associate seeing her with feeling tired and cranky too!
Therefore I don't bring him very often, he is too young plus his mother worries.

iguana · 13-01-2009 4:46pm

Having a relationship with somebody who has a child is hard. It means a lot of sacrifices emotionally and financially. It means not coming first, it means having an ex always be in the picture, it means your children having a half sibling. But most people get the choice to decide if they want to take this on board or not. Your girlfriend didn't. She already loved you and had a future planned with you and then this was dropped on her. She may not ever come to terms with it.

I think the idea you have of going on holiday with your gf for a week is a good one. Getting the two of you somewhere neutral and taking the time to discuss everything and how (and if) you can make this work. Lay all your cards out on the table, tell her how you are feeling and give her a chance to do the same. And don't get angry with her for what she may be feeling.

Tell her you still want her in your life (if you do) and talk about how you see your future going now and ask her if she can come to terms with that. But you also need to make it clear to her that if she does choose to stay with you that she needs to accept your son and stop making disparaging comments about his mother. If no decision is made on the holiday a two week separation might be a good idea so you can both think about things by yourselves.

Hopefully things can work out between you, but you also need to be aware that your gf might not be able to accept these circumstances and your relationship could be coming to an end. If so try to make it as amicable as possible as it isn't anybodies fault and bitterness wouldn't do either of you any favours.

LegacyUser · 13-01-2009 5:33pm

I think from reading your thread that you should break up with your current girlfriend. She sounds like a nasty piece of work. I acknowledge that she is having a rough time of it too, but it is insignificant compared to what you are experiencing (or should be) and it is petty compared with what your son and his mother have to deal with.

2 years is not that long a relationship (trust me on this) and although it might seem important, this latest behaviour should be pointing you toward some more serious personality traits that have until now remained hidden.

In my humble experience, the worst possible thing (and the most destructive) a person can be subjected to in a relationship is jealousy, and your current gf is displaying serious signs of this. And it's not even subtle (skank name calling etc.). Either that or she truly believes that the girl is a skank, which raises questions about what she really thinks of you (it takes 2 to have a one night stand) and of what the future holds given that this old flame is now a permanent part of your life.

With regard to the boy and his mother, it sounds like you have been doing everything right and you should be proud of yourself. you have nothing to feel guilty about, this was out of your control. And as soon as you did find out about it, you did what you could to see her right and continue to do so.

In summary, it sounds to me like you don't actually have a big giant huge mess at all- you just have an annoying and distasteful small mess and the good news is that firstly it lives far away from you and secondly you can end it anytime you like and with good reason. The situation with your son and his mother sounds like a pretty good one, albeit a bit awkward at this nascent stage. In time your son will get to know you and his mother will trust you more and even rely on you. As for feelings toward her- you are right to be careful there and keep it up. What will be will be. So in the meantime continue with your life (sans current girlfriend) and then if anything is meant to happen with this other woman, then that will come about when the time is right. As you say, she is 22 and probably needs to do a few years of being a twenty-something single person herself. After all, she has been busy these past four years.

LoanShark · 13-01-2009 5:51pm

HI OP
Firstly, Fair play to you for wanting to become such a big part in your childs life,Not many men would be so responsive to this..
Secondly, I think your girlfriend is been a bit harsh in the way she is reacting towards this..It happened in your past not hers..! and if she wants a future with you then she is going to have to learn to deal with it.. I can understand her action as maybe she felt she would have gave you your first child after marrige etc... But She has to learn to deal with it sooner,She Loved you before this was known, And Now you have another chapter of your life that even you did't know existed..

kittensoft1984 · 13-01-2009 6:00pm

Hi OP,

I can see this from your Gf's perspective and also from yours.

All of a sudden there is this new woman (even though not romantically) in your life and a child. That has to be hard for her...

Saying that though, I think she needs to grow up and deal with it like an adult.

I think the first thing you need to do is concentrate on being a father to your child. I think I read in one of your replies that you like the mother of your child a bit....get this out of your head. You don't need the extra hassle.

On the GF front, to be honest is she is not willing to take a step back and let you deal with this in your own way, then you need to tell her goodbye for the time being. That sounds harsh but this is a huge thing for you, your kid and the mother.

Try to make things simple by cutting out the rest of the bullsh1t

stevelknievel · 13-01-2009 6:16pm

First up, this is a seriously messed up situation and I do feel sorry for ya, but you seem to be handling it surprisingly well. Fair play for wanting to make up for lost time, and take care of both son and mother now. Really, good on ya. Now I know everyone is saying dump your GF but that might be a bit harsh. 2 years is a little bit much to just piss away for no reason. You do need to issue an ultimatum though. You need to let her know your son will be a major part in your life from now on regardless. If she has any issues with that, then it probably best she leaves. All the best man. I really do hope things work out for you.

dolliemix · 13-01-2009 7:03pm

I don't get why the mother didn't insist on getting in touch with you four years ago?Ok, so your cousin was supposed to tell you, but why didn't she follow this through? Send you an email or get your phone number. I don't think anybody should be making you feel guilty for something you weren't aware of. Infact I would be pretty angry with the mother, she should have pursued you at the time and spoken to you directly. While your cousin should have let you know, he shouldn't have been in the predicament in the first place. It just sounds really strange to me. If I got pregnant, I would let the father of the child know directly, not tell his cousin to pass the message on!

Anyhow, I know thats in the past but I'm only saying it because it seems like a lot of people have been trying to make you feel guilty unfairly.

LegacyUser · 13-01-2009 7:26pm

You've gotten alot of good advice and I have a bit more to add on the subject of you and your gf. People are right to say that you, your child and the child's mother have had alot to deal with, but from the gf's point of view, she is the outsider also dealing with alot only she has no control over the situation, other than stay or go, and probably feels like a bit of a victim as she didn't create this situation, you and the child's mother did (obviously we all know the child didn't but your gf prob isn't seeing it like that)

You sound like you've been fairly patient with her, and if you still see a future with her try and stay patient. She's probably angry and she's directing that anger at the child's mother, rather than at you, she may have alot she wants to get off her chest.

You need some time to talk honestly about how this affects your future, how you see your role as a father, what role you see your gf in etc. By the way, not everyone subscribes to the theory of one person coming first in your life. Some people think that life and relationships are not static and different people need your support and attention at different times, with people doing the best they can for themselves and for everyone in their life on an ongoing basis, just something to think about... If however you are a person who feels anyone else will 'come 2nd' to your son be honest with her about this.

How does your gf feel about it all? If she's feeling insecure maybe including her in your 'new life' with your son might help with this?? If you want to stay together the best approach is to tackle all of this as a team.

I hope it all works out for you.

Lollipops23 · 13-01-2009 7:50pm

oh dear what a mess. ok,personally i'd be far more peeved with your cousin than you seem to be, but that's your decision. Fair play for facing up to your responsiblities head on, some men would be happy to pretend the child doesn't exist.

On to your GF. ok, if it were me finding out my OH had a child from years back i can't pretend i'd be fine with it straight off. But it's not the child's fault it exists; she can't take it out on him. Even if it's just sulking when he's around, kids pick up on that and it's just not fair. She really does need to put on her Big Girl Pants and grow the hell up. If she's so "family orientated" she'd be far more accepting of this situation that nobody can change. She wants a "perfect" life but life is not perfect and we have to deal with the hand we're dealt.

Agent J · 13-01-2009 8:07pm

Im not sure if i have seen this mention but no harm in saying it anyway.

The whole guilt issue.

You didn't know. Logically that should be enough for a rational person to accept that if they were not aware of a situation then how on earth could they expected to do anything? You were not attempting to hide or run from it either. You simply didnt know. What other people neglected to tell you is another matter but not one of which much time should be wasted on. Its not going to be contructive for your sons future.

Emotionally is a different story however. Try as one might you cannot go back 4 years and reset the clock. You can only deal with the situation as you now have it. Guilt can lead to funny things and usually not constructive. You cannot change the past but you can try for a better future.

And from the sounds of it you fully intend to do this but try to let go of the guilt.

You gf sounds like she is in shock at the moment. She is allowed a little leeway but i think that has run out. That shock hopefully will pass but if it doesnt you will have to act.

Good luck

LegacyUser · 13-01-2009 8:41pm

Hi OP, you have to be congratulated for stepping up and taking an interest in your son's life. My 2c's worth is in relation to your GF - her negative name calling towards your son's mother is unacceptable - what if he hears how your GF refers to his mum? You need to sort that out - your GF either needs to accept the situation or call it a day - it's not fair to your child to have negativity when he visits you - he deserves better than that. Best of luck.

LegacyUser · 13-01-2009 9:25pm

Hi WhyWhatHowWhen,
well as a single parent I have to say good for you for trying to do the right thing. Your son is still little so you have loads of time to forge a bond. It flies past, my son is grown up and it flew past. I was a young parent too but I have no regrets at all, it made an adult out of me. As for your GF well I won't lie to you and say a kiddie won't affect your love-life because it will..but it gets a lot easier.
But the child's mammy is exactly like me...there is no way I allowed my son to be near anybody who resented him.Kids pick up on this real fast and it does affect them.
I have never resented any single dad's child if I was dating a single dad. I was younger than your GF and TBH I think she needs to cop on. OK it was a shock but she can't continue acting in a childish way, otherwise she ain't stepmother material AT ALL.
Also she needs to respect your son's mother (who is she calling her a skank...is she a virgin herself?). I don't allow my son's father to be disrespected,I find that to be a sign of a jealous,insecure type of personality.
You will always have a bond with the child's mother,but if you keep the boundaries in place there is no reason why you can't have GFs. I don't have much contact between BF an son's dad,and they don't bother each other and are both decent fellas.
Hope you have great life with the little one.

Munstermad · 13-01-2009 10:19pm

You are so lucky to be the father of this little boy. Best of luck to you and your son.

I suppose my ten pence worth is this, give it a little time, let everybody adjust. Have your partner move in with you and try to iron things out, a misunderstanding over long-distance can get exagerated and last longer than it should. She's scared and now all the goal-posts have moved. It's very special having a child with someone and now she's not going to be the mother of your first baby....
She'll come around and you never know might even surprise you in the end. If not there's nothing like having a child to give you perspective and see people for what they truly are.

Your admiration and respect for your sons mammy is completely understandable, just keep it to yourself. Every effort you make to help her will have a positive effect on your son, and to be honest after doing it alone for so long the least she deserves is for you to pick up the slack and try and make up for the time you weren't around.(even though it wasn't your fault)

Your cousins actions were misguided and devestating, how dare he play God, I don't know if I'd be as understanding as you.

Most importantly cherish your son, it's sad you've missed out on so much already but he's still little more than a baby. Ask his mum for copies of photos and videos she might have of all his milestones. He's the most important thing in all this and it sounds like you're smitten already!

Best of luck to you and your complicated family, but lifes never simple now is it?

Suaimhneach · 13-01-2009 10:22pm

Thanks for sharing your story OP, I just want to say I think you've done a great thing in what you've done. Keep your act together.
Your GF can get away with her attitude thus far I think, but tbh she needs to cop on. I agree with what others have said in so far as if she's intending on being essentially married to you, she's going to start having to show some respect. It seems like shes the only one with an issue, and she needs to build a bridge and get over it.

Best of luck, and keep us updated. Hope all works out for you and the kid.

LegacyUser · 13-01-2009 11:18pm

It's not a big huge mess... really it isn't. Emotions are running high and there are problems that need to be sorted - but there are so many people in the same kind of position as you. I think maybe your girlfriend might benefit from taking to people who have had similar situations to deal with?

And congratulations on being a Dad!
So you've missed some of his life - you're lucky that you found out while he was young though - better than ten or twenty years from now. You can be there for all the important milestones - the big stuff. That's when he'll really need his Dad.

On the subject of your girlfriend.... some serious talking has to be done there. She's shocked, insecure, there's a lot on her plate right now, so the behaviour is understandable - but it's not really acceptable.

This is a person we're talking about - your son. You need to find out if she's willing to get over it - she'll be his stepmother if you stay with her. She'll have to learn not only how to stop resenting him, but to learn to accept him as her family.

If you two ever have children together, she will have to accept that your son is their sibling. She won't just have to tolerate him having a loving relationship with her children, she will have to actively encourage it.

I speak from bitter experience here - I was in exactly this situation a number of years back. My sons' father's girlfriend acted like this toward my son, and it did nothing but damage. My son has serious self esteem issues around his father now because it was allowed to happen. He has no relationship with his brothers and sisters now because he was never accepted by his fathers' partner.

Your child must not be forced to live with this attitude - he's just a baby, he did nothing wrong - but children pick up on negativity and anger like this (I'm sorry but in my book it's emotional abuse), and it has a huge impact on them. I hope your girlfriend can overcome this - if she can't, it doesn't speak very well of her as a person.

Best of luck - even if it doesn't work out with your g/f - you're a Dad now, you'll always be a Dad. At the end of the day, relationships come and go.... your children will always come first.

BraziliaNZ · 14-01-2009 1:12am

I think the girlfriend needs to go, she's not going to be able to handle this by the sounds of things, for her own sanity and yours she should just go, people break up all the time and it'll probably be for your son's benefit

LegacyUser · 14-01-2009 1:25am

OP ~ I have been in a situation were I had to decide between my own flesh and blood and a girlfriend. No prizes for guessing who wins. Blood is thicker than water my friend.

stephend2006 · 14-01-2009 1:33am

Firstly, Congratulations.

You need to move as close to and spend as much time with your son as possible....but this is long term...for life. You don't especially need to make up for lost time but more so be there for him now and moving forward.

Regarding your girlfriend end it now before it effects your relationship with your son. Also with the mother of your son in mind stay friends until you are 100% certain and 100% committed to your joint future.

I became a father 17 months ago and all I can stress is be there for your child and when your child calls you dada or gives you a big hug you'll realise that there in front of you is your reason & reward.

Good luck and I hope it all works out.

- Stephen

PS - Regarding your cousin, forgive him/her

Bottle_of_Smoke · 14-01-2009 1:45am

BraziliaNZ wrote: »

I think the girlfriend needs to go, she's not going to be able to handle this by the sounds of things, for her own sanity and yours she should just go, people break up all the time and it'll probably be for your son's benefit

I think sad but true. Especially seeing as its semi-long distance.

CathyMoran · 14-01-2009 6:59am

As the others have said, congrats on being a daddy! If your gf can not handle your son then I think that you should break up with her for you and your sons sake. I was trying to think from your gfs perspective but I just cant - in the end of the day you have an adorable son, cherish him!

Snowie · 14-01-2009 8:25am

Congrats op on becoming a dad...

I'm not a dad but its clear from reading your post that you love your son,and considering the circumstances, have to say that i think that's noble admirable, well I think it's cool.

how ever your gf
Personally bye her action's she don't sound like the greatest gf in the world actually she sounds selfish jealous of the attention, spoilt....
I don't like the sound of her, at all she sound's like snow white stepmother to me.... Calling your son "your little secret " is a bit wrong... Like what kind of mentality says something like that?

Personally speaking mate i would thrown her to the curb, you sound like a decent guy with a lot of PATIENTS....

Mine would of tun out the second she said that i think that snide rude threatened comment and snobby.....

Beruthiel · 14-01-2009 9:36am

First of all, try not to see this as a big mess.
Yes, it must have been a shock to find out you're a Dad of a 4 year old and well done to you for taking it on board and getting involved with him. The rewards will be boundless.

As for your g/f, I can understand it was also a shock to her, but I'm sorry, her reaction to the whole thing is shocking and if my partner behaved in that manner I'd have lost it with them by now.
Make no mistake about it, your son is number one. Every parent here will tell you that your child comes first. There is a bond between child and parent that is so strong, nothing can break it. Every other relationship can come and go, but if you put the effort into a child, that relationship is there forever.

Now your g/f had two choices when you heard this news.
She could have supported you. She could have made an effort to get to know your son as he will be a big part of your life from now on.

Instead she threw a selfish, jealous strop.
Her confidence and self esteem must be low for this to take so much wind out of her sails.
Yes, yours and her life will change, but that's hardly a disaster in the grand scheme of things. Life would have taken a slightly different direction is all. You could still have made plans.
I'm sorry to have to say this, but I actually call into question how much she actually cares for you given her behaviour.
To call your child 'the secret' would make me see red.
He's not some dirty little thing to hide away because you are ashamed.
In fact, how you have allowed her to speak like this about your child is beyond me. I'd have ripped her a new one by now.

WhyWhatHowWhen wrote: »

The trouble is now she doesn't want to visit and I have to go to her and it's a bit of a drive.
I have taken him with me before and he sleeps at my mother's house but my girlfriend just moans about what little time we have together being interuppted, because in fairness the drive knackers the little guy and by the end of the first day he's missing his mam like crazy and is out of sorts so my girlfriend only sees him being tired and cranky and I think he's starting to associate seeing her with feeling tired and cranky too!
Therefore I don't bring him very often, he is too young plus his mother worries.

Again, all that reeks of total selfishness. Life is difficult enough for you and all she is doing is adding to that difficulty.
If she doesn't snap out of it and cop on, you are eventually going to snap and loose it with her. The fact that you haven't already shows great patience on your part. It will come though as the strain finally takes it's toll.

If you actually wish to stay with this woman, you will have to sit her down and tell her that this kind of behaviour has got to stop because you are on your last nerve.

Think about that first though.

Do you wish your child to grown up and spend the next 16 years of his life with a woman who resents him?
Who has no interest in getting to know him and who will never love him the way he deserves?
Children are very receptive and he will know how she feels. It will affect and damage him. As the parent, it's your role to protect him from this.

Best of luck and congrats on finding your lovely little son.

LegacyUser · 14-01-2009 11:28am

Op here,
Thanks everyone for the replies,
If I could give you all thanks I would!

Dolliemix, I hear what you're saying about my son's mother but in fairness to her I had left the country and changed phones, the only email address she would have had for me was my college address and as I had finished college I never would've checked it. Also I had plans to possibly stay abroad forever... I was a bit of a free spirit then.

It's a bit complicated really, so when she starting asking my cousin for my contact he decided she was just a bunny boiler or whatever (he'd only met her once before) so that's why she told him about the baby.
He figured telling me would ruin my life and I think then as time went by he was afraid to bring it up.

Yes he was a total gobsh*te but whats done is done.
She assumed that I just didn't care, as some guys wouldn't.
Since she found out the truth she hasn't tried to make me feel guilty but made it clear she won't let me hurt my son. She wants us to have a proper father/son relationship as well as the rest of my family as she rarely sees hers. Also due to race issue, he doesn't look anything like her and since he met me and my family he has a better sense of who he is...if that makes sense!

The stuff with my girlfriend is frustrating, I mean I don't expect her to be a mother to my son as I'm still finding my feet as a father, all she has to do is sit and watch a dvd with us, or cheer when I let him score a goal against me, or tell him the picture he drew is nice, I don't expect her to do any of the *hard* stuff and she is great with her nieces and nephews so it's not like she doesn't like children.

shellyboo · 14-01-2009 11:37am

WhyWhatHowWhen wrote: »

The stuff with my girlfriend is frustrating, I mean I don't expect her to be a mother to my son as I'm still finding my feet as a father, all she has to do is sit and watch a dvd with us, or cheer when I let him score a goal against me, or tell him the picture he drew is nice, I don't expect her to do any of the *hard* stuff and she is great with her nieces and nephews so it's not like she doesn't like children.

Her being good with your kid is the least of your worries at the moment... first you need to lay down the law with regard to her having a basic respect for your child and his mother.

I mean, would she rather you abandoned them? Would she really, really rather be going out with a self-centred pr*ck who'd abandon and ignore his own flesh and blood instead of caring for him? She's being absolutely petulant, and you need to tell her in no uncertain terms that her attitude is not doing her any favours and if it comes down to choosing between her and your son, she's going to lose bigtime.

LegacyUser · 14-01-2009 12:00pm

She knows that I can't just forget about him, but she's kinda of the opinion I should move away from the mother and pay lots of money instead ... starting to think she thinks money = love!!

I just reread my last post and it got me thinking that maybe I'm going about this in the worng way... maybe I should involve her with him more, rather than keep them seperate?
Maybe that will make her feel like part of this where as so far it's all been about me and him, rather than me, her and him...
Maybe if I asked her for advice on how best to play with him or what to feed him it would make her feel like an important part of it...
Or maybe I'm just totally in denial.

K-9 · 14-01-2009 12:00pm

Beruthiel wrote: »

As for your g/f, I can understand it was also a shock to her, but I'm sorry, her reaction to the whole thing is shocking and if my partner behaved in that manner I'd have lost it with them by now.
Make no mistake about it, your son is number one. Every parent here will tell you that your child comes first. There is a bond between child and parent that is so strong, nothing can break it. Every other relationship can come and go, but if you put the effort into a child, that relationship is there forever.

Now your g/f had two choices when you heard this news.
She could have supported you. She could have made an effort to get to know your son as he will be a big part of your life from now on.

Instead she threw a selfish, jealous strop.
Her confidence and self esteem must be low for this to take so much wind out of her sails.
Yes, yours and her life will change, but that's hardly a disaster in the grand scheme of things. Life would have taken a slightly different direction is all. You could still have made plans.
I'm sorry to have to say this, but I actually call into question how much she actually cares for you given her behaviour.
To call your child 'the secret' would make me see red.
He's not some dirty little thing to hide away because you are ashamed.
In fact, how you have allowed her to speak like this about your child is beyond me. I'd have ripped her a new one by now.

Again, all that reeks of total selfishness. Life is difficult enough for you and all she is doing is adding to that difficulty.
If she doesn't snap out of it and cop on, you are eventually going to snap and loose it with her. The fact that you haven't already shows great patience on your part. It will come though as the strain finally takes it's toll.

If you actually wish to stay with this woman, you will have to sit her down and tell her that this kind of behaviour has got to stop because you are on your last nerve.

Think about that first though.

Do you wish your child to grown up and spend the next 16 years of his life with a woman who resents him?
Who has no interest in getting to know him and who will never love him the way he deserves?
Children are very receptive and he will know how she feels. It will affect and damage him. As the parent, it's your role to protect him from this.

Best of luck and congrats on finding your lovely little son.

shellyboo wrote: »

Her being good with your kid is the least of your worries at the moment... first you need to lay down the law with regard to her having a basic respect for your child and his mother.

I mean, would she rather you abandoned them? Would she really, really rather be going out with a self-centred pr*ck who'd abandon and ignore his own flesh and blood instead of caring for him? She's being absolutely petulant, and you need to tell her in no uncertain terms that her attitude is not doing her any favours and if it comes down to choosing between her and your son, she's going to lose bigtime.

I'd second the above 2 posts. Fair enough it has come as a shock to her, but her behaviour, especially her now not wanting to move to you, screams of jealousy and insecurity.

It's time for a big talk. Things have changed and you now have a son. He is your No.1 priority and because of the circumstances (not your fault) you have catching up to do.

Instead of considering herself, she has to start thinking of the child and your relationship with him.

I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt because it's a shock to her. Speaking as a single Dad of a 10 year old, any woman that put demands or tried to reduce time with my son would be firmly told were to go!

shellyboo · 14-01-2009 12:06pm

Seanies32 wrote: »

I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt because it's a shock to her. Speaking as a single Dad of a 10 year old, any woman that put demands or tried to reduce time with my son would be firmly told were to go!

It has been a shock, and it could be the case that she needs a bit of a reality check... She's obviously only thinking about this from her point of view, how it affect her life and her plans, and can't see that what the OP is doing is a good thing, and even a good thing for her - it proves he's a responsible, caring person; and a good Dad. I know I'd have huge respect for any guy who's done what the OP has done.

OP, maybe when you talk to her, ask her to put herself in your son's mother's shoes... what if it was her that you'd got pregnant, wouldn't she want you to behave just as you are now? And if she simply can't adjust her attitude, then you need to show her the door.

seamus · 14-01-2009 12:07pm

WhyWhatHowWhen wrote: »

I just reread my last post and it got me thinking that maybe I'm going about this in the worng way... maybe I should involve her with him more, rather than keep them seperate?
Maybe that will make her feel like part of this where as so far it's all been about me and him, rather than me, her and him...
Maybe if I asked her for advice on how best to play with him or what to feed him it would make her feel like an important part of it...
Or maybe I'm just totally in denial.

This was my guess, that she was feeling like she was being pushed out by the child. Say to her that you want her to get to know the child as well, that you want to involve her in it. Give her choice to get involved (as opposed to forcing it on her).

Clearly you have no intention of putting this child back in your closet of secrets, so if she decides that she doesn't want to know and that you should both just pretend he doesn't exist, then it may be time for you both to go your separate ways.

But tell her that you want her to be involved and to get to know the child. Weekends or whatever should never be the time that, "I'm spending time with Joe" (or whatever the name is) and you go off and do it, it should be the time that, "We're looking after Joe".

Nevyn · 14-01-2009 12:12pm

It could well be that she (the gf) never wanted to be in a long term relationship with someone who already has a child and wanted "the perfect family" with you which which does not include half siblings. You son may well be to her the shattering of her hopes and dreams for herself and for your future together.

So yes try and talk to her and if you can both take the new factors in your life into consdieration.

paperclip2 · 14-01-2009 12:19pm

WhyWhatHowWhen wrote: »

The stuff with my girlfriend is frustrating, I mean I don't expect her to be a mother to my son as I'm still finding my feet as a father, all she has to do is sit and watch a dvd with us, or cheer when I let him score a goal against me, or tell him the picture he drew is nice, I don't expect her to do any of the *hard* stuff and she is great with her nieces and nephews so it's not like she doesn't like children.

Hi OP.

Well done you on doing the right thing and congratulations on your little boy.

Yes your girlfriend is not behaving like the person you would like her to be and yes some of it is understandable, but at this stage I would be laying down a few boundaries about whats appropriate language and behaviour from her regarding your son and his mother. The reality is it is up to you to communicate what is and isn't acceptable, not anyone else. Also there does need to be some sort of consequence if she doesn't abide by the boundaries. I'm thinking if she can't be as nice to your son as she would be to any child unconnected with you then just dont include her in your activities. Yes, this will hurt her but she is the grown-up here, and her wants and needs cant be the priority they once were, especially if they are in conflict with your little boys. But thats the reality of being a parent. Your girlfriend is old enough to make reasoned decisions and to change her behaviour. But she has to want to do so.

I genuinely feel for your girlfriend in this, she is hurt and is trying to accomodate the loss of her idealised future with you. She's also having to take on board the reality of you as a father but without her in the mother role.
Unfortunately her behaviour is destructive and is not healthy for your son. Only she can moderate it and she will only do that if she chooses to do so. The only thing you can do, outside of setting boundaries, is to keep communicating how much you care about her, and how much you want her to be a part of this wonderful new experience in your life. You girlfriend will either accept this or she won't.

One last thing in this.

Please don't act from a state of guilt, don't make promises or offer help if its coming from a place of guilt in yourself. Also, don't let yourself be guilt-tripped into trying to fulfil other peoples expectations and hopes. It wont end well. (Take it from someone who's made this mistake enough for everyone!:))

This is life, it throws you curve balls, you've picked up yours. Its your girlfriends choice what she does with hers.

Good luck OP.

LegacyUser · 14-01-2009 3:25pm

seamus wrote: »

But tell her that you want her to be involved and to get to know the child. Weekends or whatever should never be the time that, "I'm spending time with Joe" (or whatever the name is) and you go off and do it, it should be the time that, "We're looking after Joe".

You see I'm a little afraid of forcing him on her (and vice versa) I guess I want her to want to spend time with him and not just do it because she *has* to I don't want anymore resentment... I just don't know how to deal with her.

I think taking her on holiday might be the right thing because between the moving away, the new job the house and my child it's been a bit hectic... but on the other hand I have visions of me splashing out on this and her being miserable the whole time we're away anyway.

Even if I could take a week off work and have her come and stay with me maybe ... she'd see life is still good.

I can't ask her to move until she gets a job as she doesn't know anyone here and I'll be in work all day and she'll just be miserable...

shaca · 15-01-2009 3:05am

OP you must be wrecked. All this running around trying to keep everyone happy. No one can tell you what to do. I think if you read back on your own posts and consider them carefully you will find the answer is already there. Take a little time for yourself and your own thoughts.

Congrats on finding your son. You are a very lucky and seem to be a very decent person. You seem to have your head very well screwed on so I have no doubt that whatever decision you make will be the best for you and your son.

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