Opinions Appreciated

quincyk

It was short after three, and we'd sharked through the ancient cracks in the ancient hills, rolling our ship into another seaweed town. Ghosts and dreams. Jake lowered the tattered nets down into the blue gushes below, as I sat on lower-deck blowing smoke-rings into the vacant night, with its dead fish and wet-muck. The heavens above throw down a blurry sky, whisks of purple and sparse zooms of dislocated clouds, with stars nailed to its body like Christ and the cross.
The land flanking the rivers flow was dense and as it was, cloaked in the black of the night; it looked like a million-year collection of mounded, dead shi t. We'd been trudging for ten solid days and nights, but already the land of the world seemed alien, a vision of a netherworld to drunken sailors and roaming beat-niks. Carl and Spade fired loose bolts into the waves from the captains tower, aiming towards the abyss below, or maybe it was the heron looming like a mini-town crane on a rock, arched stoically, puzzled and alarmed.


We were about to dock in the harbour a half-mile from our current position, so I made my way to the cabins to retrieve my personals. My room was stationed down a flight of gray stairs, with bulbous pipes and wires looming over-heard, grumbling and choking. A picture of Diane on my bed-sit, together with a music player, a stack of CDs, a Wolfe novel and cigarettes; I packed what I needed and made my way upstairs again. Carl and Hitch, despite the hour, let an argument prevail. Something about Agnosticism.
“Jesus Christ, man, you can’t even see what’s right in front of your face”
“ Yeah? Well keep going, kid, and I’ll help you lose yours.”
The argued some more, but as always, tiredness ran it over, and the silence permeated once again.

That was us all right - a bunch of wanders and stragglers, dreamers and the hopeless, all joined in a fusion of escape, all wanting to cross that vivid line into satisfaction, wherever it was docked. Jake was a quiet kid, raised and tormented in Brooklyn. The son of a city dweller, he’d run away from home at the age of fifteen, and now at twenty-two, still hadn’t looked back. Carl and Spade were two wasters originated from Stockton, Illinois. Incarnated forms of Steinbeck’s Lennie and George, they shared a common bond of schizophrenic love and hate. They needed one another, as much as they rest of us needed to flee reality’s bite. Hitch was our latest recruit. Picked up off Sardinia, he was tough kid with too many dreams that had died. Brutal and paranoid, he, like so many others, searched for what could not be found. Me? I didn’t know yet.


We began the slow trudge towards this new-town dockyard. Across the river lay towering sheds, suspended like old-time gallows, bleak and barren. A distant wind whirled itself Around the bowels of the ship, with each man tired and eager to disembark into the cold dead of night. Two weathered faces lay at the end of the gang-plank. We strode our way downwards, passing the two men with sighs and cloaking them with breath-clouds. A large steel gate rattled loosely against a wall. On the other side of the yard, a never-ending mound of saw-dust, fit for vomit and blood.

MojoMaker

This was generated by some kind of word-bot, right?

quincyk

MojoMaker wrote: »

This was generated by some kind of word-bot, right?

You've lost me there, I'm afraid.

deepriver

I liked some bits of it.. but I think it over complicates the imagery at some stages, there is fine balance between just enough to make the reader 'wow' and too much. To be honest I think thats were you lose control of the writing from a grammatical point of view, but also in the interest of staying true to a comprehensible story

MojoMaker

It's all over the place and a terrible read. In many cases it seems like certain words are used for the sake of using words and in most cases they don't fit the context or intent of the sentence. Not to mention that there are heaps of spelling mistakes, the tense of many sentences is completely off, and grammatically the entire piece is extremely suspect.

The imagery is inconsistent and confusing, the sentence structure counter-intuitive, and the loose use of tense makes it a difficult read.

Hence I was wondering if an internet word-bot had put it together as an experiment perhaps?

quincyk

deepriver wrote: »

I liked some bits of it.. but I think it over complicates the imagery at some stages, there is fine balance between just enough to make the reader 'wow' and too much. To be honest I think thats were you lose control of the writing from a grammatical point of view, but also in the interest of staying true to a comprehensible story

Fair enough.


Others have read it and enjoyed it. As it is, it's only a very brief segment of a beginning.

MojoMaker wrote: »

It's all over the place and a terrible read. In many cases it seems like certain words are used for the sake of using words and in most cases they don't fit the context or intent of the sentence. Not to mention that there are heaps of spelling mistakes, the tense of many sentences is completely off, and grammatically the entire piece is extremely suspect.

The imagery is inconsistent and confusing, the sentence structure counter-intuitive, and the loose use of tense makes it a difficult read.

Hence I was wondering if an internet word-bot had put it together as an experiment perhaps?

Right.


Why, then, did you not just say that instead of coming out with a sarcastic reply?


Where are the spelling mistakes? I've filtered it through spell-check, and it seems to be alright.


Feel free to enrapture us all with one of your masterpieces.

nothing

Every sentence seems over complicated, and to be honest if I read that at the start of a book, I wouldn't read any further. And I agree with most of what Mojomaker said.

quincyk

nothing wrote: »

Every sentence seems over complicated, and to be honest if I read that at the start of a book, I wouldn't read any further. And I agree with most of what Mojomaker said.

Fair enough. All depends on what you're into, I guess. Many of my favourite authors would be seen by many as overly-wordy. Not quite sure I agree that that is evident throughout every sentence in the above passage, mind.

MojoMaker

Overly wordy can be ok in certian circumstances, and yes there are authors noted for using richer language than required. However that's not the issue in your piece above. In many cases the words, the images they conjure, the feelings they attempt to evoke, and the basic formation of the sentences is just plain inappropriate. Writing is not a word competition, and where expansive words give rise to concepts, moods, or imagery, a writer needs to be careful to ensure the entire work/passge flows smoothly and is generally connected.

Nothing in your piece suggests that level of thought. your work represents words hurled at the screen in the vague hope some of them stick together. As writing, it's poor. Nothing personal.

girlbiker

quincyk wrote: »

It was short after three, and we'd sharked through the ancient cracks in the ancient hills, rolling our ship into another seaweed town. Ghosts and dreams. Jake lowered the tattered nets down into the blue gushes below, as I sat on lower-deck blowing smoke-rings into the vacant night, with its dead fish and wet-muck. The heavens above throw down a blurry sky, whisks of purple and sparse zooms of dislocated clouds, with stars nailed to its body like Christ and the cross.
The land flanking the rivers flow was dense and as it was, cloaked in the black of the night; it looked like a million-year collection of mounded, dead shi t. We'd been trudging for ten solid days and nights, but already the land of the world seemed alien, a vision of a netherworld to drunken sailors and roaming beat-niks. Carl and Spade fired loose bolts into the waves from the captains tower, aiming towards the abyss below, or maybe it was the heron looming like a mini-town crane on a rock, arched stoically, puzzled and alarmed.

In my opinion, this is a confusing and weirdly worded first paragraph. Since its the one that needs to grab the reader you need to scrap it, or rewrite it.
and we'd sharked through the ancient cracks in the ancient hills, rolling our ship into another seaweed town......they're sailing right? I mean thats not good I can see where you got the imagery but.........

The rest though I liked. I read on, the descriptions of the characters are nice, poor little sailor boys..I think you have some skill, dont go mad with the adjectives and metaphors though. Good Luck!

quincyk

MojoMaker wrote: »

Overly wordy can be ok in certian circumstances, and yes there are authors noted for using richer language than required. However that's not the issue in your piece above. In many cases the words, the images they conjure, the feelings they attempt to evoke, and the basic formation of the sentences is just plain inappropriate. Writing is not a word competition, and where expansive words give rise to concepts, moods, or imagery, a writer needs to be careful to ensure the entire work/passge flows smoothly and is generally connected.

Nothing in your piece suggests that level of thought. your work represents words hurled at the screen in the vague hope some of them stick together. As writing, it's poor. Nothing personal.

Well, tbh, I beg to differ. I've read many a novel penned in similar style.



To suggest they're "inappropriate" is wrong, I feel. They're appropriate to me, and were to others who I've had read the piece, also.




I can see the flow issue, but again it's a style I feel comfortable with. Whilst many authors write in a flowery, free-flowing style, you'll find many others write in "stop-start" style. Some enjoy it, others abhor it; it, like a lot of things, is simply a matter of opinion.



And I see you've also bypassed my query about the so called "heaps of spelling mistakes."

quincyk

girlbiker wrote: »

In my opinion, this is a confusing and weirdly worded first paragraph. Since its the one that needs to grab the reader you need to scrap it, or rewrite it.
and we'd sharked through the ancient cracks in the ancient hills, rolling our ship into another seaweed town......they're sailing right? I mean thats not good I can see where you got the imagery but.........

The rest though I liked. I read on, the descriptions of the characters are nice, poor little sailor boys..I think you have some skill, dont go mad with the adjectives and metaphors though. Good Luck!

Cheers for the comments.



Perhaps you're right - I should maybe rethink the opening paragraph. In no way would I suggest I'm a good writer. I write on the odd occasion if the mood strikes. This is, perhaps, the fifth piece of fiction that I've attempted.

deepriver

can I give you an analogy

I went into the Vatican Museum recently and the first painting I saw was breath-taking, so was the next one and the next one and after 10 mins I was bored.. If I saw one of those paintings in a plain white room I could admire it for 1 hour mins, but too much bunched together just got boring

if you nailed your imagery but kept it sparse it actually might be more effective

MojoMaker

The piece is disconnected and unlike anything of any quality published by an established, let alone lauded, writer.

As a fugue piece it might have some merit, but you'd need to have stated that before the reader was engaged.

Your similes are quite inappropriate and unecessary in places. It's a common mistake associated with trying too hard. Let's not dwell too long on wielding the metaphorical axe (no pun intended)

Feedback is feedback. Nothing more. I'm sure you'll be successful once you reconcile your style to the right audience.

quincyk

deepriver wrote: »

can I give you an analogy

I went into the Vatican Museum recently and the first painting I saw was breath-taking, so was the next one and the next one and after 10 mins I was bored.. If I saw one of those paintings in a plain white room I could admire it for 1 hour mins, but too much bunched together just got boring

if you nailed your imagery but kept it sparse it actually might be more effective

Nicely put, and I get where you're coming from.




I've only just started writing, tbh. It's something I'm working on, and hope to improve on over time.