Friend with alcohol issues - Suggestions?

JCDUB

Hiya, and apologies for what I think is gonna be a fairly long post..

My friend (male, 30) has some major issues going on in his life, and he has in turn tried to ignore these issues through alcohol consumption for years.His mother died when he was very young (10) and he never dealt with this, and to compound this his Dad died in September, although his drinking has been going on for over ten years.

He is a very genuine sensitive down-to-earth guy who is very giving of his time, helpful etc. when he is sober, but when he drinks he becomes aggressive and to be brutally honest, stupid.

He has been going on binges which can last three or four days for ten years now, and has basically alienated his siblings because of his unacceptable behaviour. His family and friends have all said to him on numerous occasions that he has a probelm with alcohol, given him ultimatums etc. but all to no avail.

The major problem is that he won't accept that he has a problem with alcohol. He regularly does really stupid things when he drinks (which I won't go into here), but afterwards he is very regretful and is totally committed to never drinking again. However this goes out the window the following weekend and the cycle continues.

Christmas was no exception and the final straw came on Saturday night when he did something totally unacceptable, even by his standards. I have been speaking closely with his older brother and his siblings and his group of friends are in agreement that he needs treatment of some description before he kills himself or somebody else.

Obviously there are underlying issues there which have to be resolved but he will not see a counsellor of any description, for bereavement or any other issues. Therefore it would be very difficult to get him to see an alcohol councellor considering the fact that he won't admit that he is an alcoholic.
I have heard and read things like "he has to hit rock bottom before he will look for help" and "the first thing he needs to do is admit that he has a problem, then he can begin to address it."

So is there any point in getting somebody to talk to him/an intervention/counselling and so forth if he won't admit that he has a problem?
If not then what do we do?Watch him self-destruct?Surely there is another way of helping him?

Can a member of his family sign him into a drying out clinic?Is it worthwhile while he won't admit he has a problem?Can the HSE help?Where do we start?
Any advice from others who are or have been in a similar position is greatly appreciated. If you don't wish to post here please feel free to PM me.

At the end of the day, he is a very good friend of mine and I can't watch him destroy his life like this, and something has to be done quickly, so all replies and feedback will be happily received.

Thanks for reading,

JC

Ass

Tell him about your concerns for his life style, over a pint.

To be honest, if I were your mate and you were trying to get me to stop drinking, I'd be pretty pissed off at you.

Fallen Buckshot

Tis Sad but tru some people have to die/come close to death before they make a change

JCDUB

Ass Face wrote: »

To be honest, if I were your mate and you were trying to get me to stop drinking, I'd be pretty pissed off at you.

Well I'm assuming you're not an alcoholic who won't stop until you are dead or in prison because somebody else is dead. No wonder you'd be pissed off, so would I, but circumstances here are totally different.

seamus

This is like having a mate who is head-over-heels in love with a girl, completely besotted, but behind his back she's shagging all around her and stealing money.

Any attempt to approach the matter in a "cop on" fashion and tell him that it's time to give it up, will just result in ire towards the person who's doing the suggestion.

AA will tell you that the first step towards recovering from alcohol abuse is to admit that you have a problem and to want to change. There are many ways this can happen, but by and large the person has to realise this by themselves. Interventions are the popular thing because of weepy documentaries and so forth, but you don't see the interventions that fail. You don't see the guys who spend 8 weeks in rehab, have their families jumping for joy, but then go straight back on the bottle again.

It's the want which is the most important part. If everybody's telling you that you have a problem, then you'll probably believe it. But that doesn't mean you're going to want to change. It's on this basis that millions of people still smoke despite the warnings.

So no, there's not much you can do. All I could suggest is to get a level-headed friend to speak to him - someone that the guy would trust to be serious and who wouldn't be speaking to him unless it was serious. It's also a good idea to avoid using accusatory terms, and instead focus on your concerns. So instead of "Your drinking is going to kill you", say, "We're all worried that we're going to be going to your funeral in 5 years time".
Once you've done that, you've done everything that you can do. There comes a time that you have to accept that you can only control one person's life - yours - and leave everyone else to screw up their own.

Aard

You can't change an alcoholic's behaviour. The only behaviour you can change is your own.


Consider going to an Al-Anon meeting. You could learn skills such as acceptance and detachment there that will help you deal with your friend's problem with drink.

metaoblivia

seamus wrote: »

So no, there's not much you can do. All I could suggest is to get a level-headed friend to speak to him - someone that the guy would trust to be serious and who wouldn't be speaking to him unless it was serious. It's also a good idea to avoid using accusatory terms, and instead focus on your concerns. So instead of "Your drinking is going to kill you", say, "We're all worried that we're going to be going to your funeral in 5 years time".
Once you've done that, you've done everything that you can do. There comes a time that you have to accept that you can only control one person's life - yours - and leave everyone else to screw up their own.

QFT
OP, my father is an alcoholic and has been for decades. What seamus and others have said is true: there's not much you can do. It's not a problem that you or your friends or his friends or even his family can fix. He has to decide to fix it. He has to recognize his own behavior and he has to want to change it.
The most you can do is set limitations on the kind of behavior you will not tolerate and decide not to be an enabler. For example, you can decide that it's not in your best interest to be around him when he drinks. Or, you can decide that if he gets into any trouble while he's drinking, he will have to deal with the consequences without your help. It may sound cruel to some, but there is truth in the idea that addicts have to hit "rock bottom" before they recognize they have a problem. They have to see, firsthand, how their addiction is destroying their life.

alcoholresponse

www.alcoholresponse.com

Have a look at this site, it may help. We are a small voluntary group of therapists, people in recovery and family members affected by Problem Drinking. We have put this site together in an effort to help. Despite seeking official requests to the powers that be we have received NO PUBLIC FUNDS and no real support. It has information for the problem drinker and for the people who care and are affected.It has an on-line "test your own drinking" section and a printable leaflet which also contains a list of agencies and HSE help. Because of no funding we're not in a position to deal directly with people yet but hopefully that will change.:rolleyes:

estar

but be honest.

organise among the family to have a conference if you want - where all concerned people ambush the person and offer help if they want to give up
and also state that they will not be associated with the person again if they drink if you want.

this might shock them into action, but you have to stick to that. no more drinking with the person, giving money, or bailing out or support unless they commit freely on their own to giving up drinking and to attending AA meetings. freely and willingly. that is the key. they must must must have reached the point of seeing the problem for themselves. and you cannot really control that. maybe seeing you and the family stating the concerns you hve will be the trigger and maybe it wont.

outline your concerns and fears. be ready for the response to this to be a binge of alcohol, and an f^ck you at first.

there is 0 point in committing someone who has not yet realised they have a problem to a treatment facility against their will. they will only resent it, and fail.

but you dont have to be involved in the destruction of your friend. be honest with your opinions and ask everyone else to be too.

username123

metaoblivia wrote: »

QFT
OP, my father is an alcoholic and has been for decades. What seamus and others have said is true: there's not much you can do. It's not a problem that you or your friends or his friends or even his family can fix. He has to decide to fix it. He has to recognize his own behavior and he has to want to change it.
The most you can do is set limitations on the kind of behavior you will not tolerate and decide not to be an enabler. For example, you can decide that it's not in your best interest to be around him when he drinks. Or, you can decide that if he gets into any trouble while he's drinking, he will have to deal with the consequences without your help. It may sound cruel to some, but there is truth in the idea that addicts have to hit "rock bottom" before they recognize they have a problem. They have to see, firsthand, how their addiction is destroying their life.

+1

OP the only behaviour you can change is your own and to that end Alanon would help you to see how best to behave towards your friend and how not to enable him.

Nobody can change an alcoholic, only the alcoholic can.

Karen_*

He'll only change and do something about his drinking when it makes him miserable enough. You're probably already amazed that he goes back out drinking after some of the incidents but to him its other people and events causing the problems and not him and the alcohol.

As others have said perhaps go along to Al-anon but also if you start to distance yourself from him it might help him to realise where his life is going if he continues. For your own sake you need to step back and not carry all this on your shoulders. There's only so much you can do for people, you have your own life to lead and you can't change your friend unfortunately. He doesn't even see how lucky he is to have someone care like you do.