What do I do?

LegacyUser

My boyfriend of two years recently cheated on me at a party by kissing some girl. He called me in the middle of the night hysterically crying to tell me that he had done it. He suffers from depression and occassionally goes into self-destruct mode although the last episode was over a year ago. When this happens he drinks and shuts himself away and doesn't see the point in anything but has never cheated before. I'm at a loss at what to do. Some friends tell me to dump him that he'll do it again, others including my own mother say that it is not in his nature and he made a stupid, stupid mistake and was man enough to confess afterwards. But I'm terrified that he'll do it again if I forgive him. That the next time he goes into self-destruct mode he'll repeat his behaviour. At the moment he is the most upset I've ever seen anyone. He crys all the time and locks himself away feeling ashamed and guilty over what he did. Thoughts anyone? We are both in our twenties and don't live together, although we talked about getting married in the future.

LegacyUser

Hi there,

I'm sorry you are going through this,
I had a friend who was like your boyfriend, kissed some fella out and immediately ran her boyfriend in the hysterics crying down the phone.
I'm fairly sure she suffered from some form of depression, she would lock herslef away etc and be quite manic at times.
Anyway after the kissing incident and such she was really down on herself for a while but then she did the exact same thing again, getting off with a random guy and then calling the boyfriend and then it became a pattern, she got soemthing from the drama it created, I won't say she "liked" it, but she needed it for soemthing.

In the end they broke up and after that she had to really face up to her problems and move on and grow. I don't know anyhting about you or your boyfriend but your story just really reminded me of this.

Now I'm not saying you should dump your boyfriend right out, depressed or not what he did was wrong and I wouldn't be awarding any brownie points just because he was honest about either but if you do stay with him, you of course need him to work on his problems and for you to trust him again and that will be difficult,

Good luck

cojomo2

Unregistered wrote: »

My boyfriend of two years recently cheated on me at a party by kissing some girl. He called me in the middle of the night hysterically crying to tell me that he had done it. He suffers from depression and occassionally goes into self-destruct mode although the last episode was over a year ago. When this happens he drinks and shuts himself away and doesn't see the point in anything but has never cheated before. I'm at a loss at what to do. Some friends tell me to dump him that he'll do it again, others including my own mother say that it is not in his nature and he made a stupid, stupid mistake and was man enough to confess afterwards. But I'm terrified that he'll do it again if I forgive him. That the next time he goes into self-destruct mode he'll repeat his behaviour. At the moment he is the most upset I've ever seen anyone. He crys all the time and locks himself away feeling ashamed and guilty over what he did. Thoughts anyone? We are both in our twenties and don't live together, although we talked about getting married in the future.

i just advised another poster her to dump him missus as she slept with sm1 else...

this was a kiss and by the sounds of it he regrets it big time, and for the rite reasons (not because u found out)..he didnt have to tell you, and most wouldnt..

id talk to him about it and see if u can forgive him..if its a good relationship, its not worth trowing it away over this..

cooperla

Unregistered wrote: »

My boyfriend of two years recently cheated on me at a party by kissing some girl. He called me in the middle of the night hysterically crying to tell me that he had done it. He suffers from depression and occassionally goes into self-destruct mode although the last episode was over a year ago. When this happens he drinks and shuts himself away and doesn't see the point in anything but has never cheated before. I'm at a loss at what to do. Some friends tell me to dump him that he'll do it again, others including my own mother say that it is not in his nature and he made a stupid, stupid mistake and was man enough to confess afterwards. But I'm terrified that he'll do it again if I forgive him. That the next time he goes into self-destruct mode he'll repeat his behaviour. At the moment he is the most upset I've ever seen anyone. He crys all the time and locks himself away feeling ashamed and guilty over what he did. Thoughts anyone? We are both in our twenties and don't live together, although we talked about getting married in the future.

Personally, I think you're safe. It was a kiss. If more than that happened I would probably saying something different.

The key thing in your post imo is that he called you pretty much right away and confessed.

smileykey

If it were me I'd try to forgive and forget, maybe make a bit of a deal about it so that he knows that he can't do it again and expect it to be fine but try to move past it.

He rang you straight away, he didn't even have to think about it. Its not like he was even contemplating doing anything more with the other girl, it was a drunken mistake. We all make mistakes, at least you can trust him to be honest about them, he's not decietful.

aoife34

To be honest, i don't think you are going to do what people on a forum are telling you. Thats what your heart is there for. You will block out anything you don't want to hear.

If you still love him, stay with him. It was only a kiss its not like he is having an affair, then you would have to dump him!!

Good Luck

LegacyUser

this is personally biased..

i was cheated on by a guy i loved - just a kiss, he told me the next day, was v upset, so so sorry etc etc. we broke up, mostly because he felt he couldnt be trusted more than on my side, i wasnt given a choice. we got back together a couple of months later. i was never fully secure in the relationship after that. we broke up about a year later. found out afterwards that hed cheated on me loads after we got back together.

obviously, this is specific to that 1 guy (& hes a complete asshole). but theres no excuse for it, whether youre drunk or depressed or whatever. id never EVER take anyone back if something similar happened again. the trust is so hard to earn back, & if it happens again it hurts even more the second time. i thought he was worth it, he wasnt.

LegacyUser

your real problem here is not that he kissed another girl - as he seems really sorry about it - but its the problems behind that which caused him to do it that you need to look at.
You say that he suffers from depression and goes into self destruct mode - this is what you really need to worry about if you two are planning a future together.Him kissing another girl may be part of that self destruction - it sounds like you have a decent relationship and maybe he is trying to damage your relationship as part of his self destruction, if this is the case then unless he works out whats causing his depression and self destructive behavior, it is only a matter of time before he does something else - maybe cheating but maybe something else, that will damage himself, and you will get hurt in the cross fire again. Perhaps he should consider talking to a professional about his depression and problems.
Its up to you whether you forgive him for the kiss or not - we all have different tolerance levels that sort of stuff but it sounds like he is genuinely sorry, the bigger issue is can you deal with him going into self destruct mode every year or every few months or whatever and run the risk of being caught up in his self destruction if he doesnt sort out his problems. I know that this all sounds a bit heavy but deal with this now rather than later when he goes on another self destruct trip and does something really unforgivable. He sounds like a decent bloke, If you do decide to get past this, make sure that he deals with this depression before it causes any more problems in your relationship or in your life.

LegacyUser

thanks for all your advice everyone. Most people seem to be saying pretty much the same thing. At the moment I have told him that because him cheating was just symptomatic of his destructful behaviour we cant be together until he sorts himself and his life out. So we are just friends at the moment, but best friends.