Friends husband hitting her

LegacyUser

Hi all,

I have a problem and I am stuck in an awful situation. I have been very good friends with this person for a very long time. I have recently found out that when her husband drinks, he not every time BUT alot of the time has beaten her.

I could never understand why she would get a little tetchy when we would go out for dinner, we were due to go out a day after new years for dinner and I received a phone call saying they had the vomitting bug and to stay away, and a few other things, heel of hunt this is what transpired. Can say too much about this just in case....

I phoned womens aid and was told to thread carefully - but I am devastated - This is my friend, he was my friend, am I such a bad judge of character ? It's not about me, but what do I do to help her ?

Sorry I am being vague - I hope you can understand - I know its a public forum, yaddha, yaddha, yaddha, but any help / advice I would appreciate

MagicMarker

How do you know this is the case?

All you can do is let your friend know that you're there for her, you'll help her in any way you can, such as giving her a place to stay.

But only she can do something about it, until that time comes, you just need to live your own life.

leahyl

MagicMarker wrote: »

How do you know this is the case?

All you can do is let your friend know that you're there for her, you'll help her in any way you can, such as giving her a place to stay.

But only she can do something about it, until that time comes, you just need to live your own life.

I'm afraid i have to agree with Magic Marker on this one. It's awful i know and i'd feel the exact same as you but unfortunately your friend has to want to make the move to get away from this guy - it's not your place to interfere unless she wants your help. Sorry i know it must be awful - it makes my blood boil when i hear things like this:mad:

LegacyUser

I would hate to ever come across this, she has to be able to support herself financially TBH and if there are kids this makes this so much more sadder. I agree with offering her a place to stay, but I fear this will be something which might drag on and on. Does this happen only when her husband driinks or is this a regular occurance? Maybe things could be repaired if he stopped drinking. Maybe. Offer her as much time away from him as possible, bruises or not, as she will probably be thankful of the emotional support.

Dizzyblonde

I too have to agree that, as difficult as it is, all you can do is be there for your friend. That way, hopefully one day she'll have enough courage to do something about her situation and she'll be sure of your support. Having a good friend will help her self esteem and let her see that she's worth more than this.
Don't put her into a position where she feels she has to defend his behaviour, just let her know you're there.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,
what a lovely friend you are to this girl,very rare indeed.
My exH used to hit me too when he'd been drinking. What I got from friends was either
a) No reaction at all to my bruises(yes hard to believe) or
b) Friends who told me to stay and encourage HIM to get help (even more stupid and dangerous than the No Reaction friends). or
c) The one and only true friend who said " I hope you look after yourself cos you look a bit pale these days and I'm worried about you, call me if you need anything",she was like a light when I was in a really dark place.

OP if she ever opens up to you about it please encourage her to leave and get assistance for housing. His drinking is his problem and she and the kids would be way better off without him.
As for me I finally started calling the cops on him.

girl2

Im sorry about your friend and what she is going through.

Firstly I work in a family centre where domestic violence is probably the biggest factor for the families we work with.

Are there any children involved? If there are, she needs to be made aware that she can lose her children. If social services become aware of this problem, they will see to it that her children are not being protected by her, from emotional abuse and potential physical abuse. Her children's name can appear on a child protection register or worse, be placed in care. Now these are the extremes, but all very very common. The problem in situations like this is that the women are so very scared. But she needs to get him out. She needs to do what is possible to get him removed from the home.....forget finances for a while here.....its her safety and the safety of her children that is paramount.

All you have to do is to have a look online to see what the effects of domestic violence are on people. We work with frameworks that educate people on the effects of domestic violence on the individual herself, then how it affects her parenting and the effects on her children. And the children is something that is a lot of the time overlooked (again this is if she has any children). And in fact, if she doesn't - there is nothing, nothing, nothing to keep her there. In the UK 2 women die every week as a result of dometic violence.

It only ever gets worse when there's nothing done about it.

Please PM me if you would like me to get you some information, or it there is anything I can do.

MJOR

All you can do is be there. I can't tell from your post whether she has confided in you or not. You need to be careful because if you come across as confrontational she may shy away from telling you things. She has to get help but she has to be the one to get it. Its a dangerous situation and you have to look out for your friend.

chickenhawk

Op my mother found out a neighbor of ours was been hit by her husband. She had black eyes and was crying and telling her it went on for years. My mother, father and myself arrived at the house with her and while my mother helped her pack me and my father made sure he didn't interfere or talk to her. She is now divorced and living with someone else. There was no kids involved.

This might not be the best thing for your situation but it worked for her. Find out the fact but you will only be able to help her if she wants help! (she might know it's wrong but doesn't want to leave yet!)

LegacyUser

Hi everyone,

Thank you for the responses, yes she did tell me. Yes she does have children.. I had a good talk with her and obviously I cannot make her leave him, but I have told her to leave a bag of clothes in my house and that we have money if she needs to leave.

I told her I would never judge her, and he doesn't know I know but god if he looks sideways at her when I'm there - I don't know how I will be able to hold it together. I will of course - don't worry that B*&^SD will never know I know until she wants him to.

I will always be her friend no matter what. But that doesn't stop the feeling of helplessness and that I want to kick the crap out of the bullying little ****.

Thanks for listening.

SarahSassy

I saw a tv ad, maybe its on UTV where it advises that someone can be prosecuted for domestic violence even if it is not the victim who reports them... Does this apply here too?

LegacyUser

SarahSassy,

i'd imagine there'd still have to be a witness, and if the only witness is the victim , then
a) the abuser is still gonna know they told someone
b) the vitcim would still have to tell anyway.