Life has stalled

LegacyUser

Im a regular member so Im going anon for this.

The title has bsically summed up the way I feel and Im starting to scare myself with the thoughts that are entering my head here. A bit of background to pave the way first maybe. Ive taken the day off work to try and sort my head out a bit, or at least to try and start forming a logical path to seeing some light at the end of a very black tunnel.

Ive been single for about a year now after my ex left the relationship for a variety of reasons. Mostly his own issues that he could never come to terms with and I could not carry his weight on my shoulders anymore. Ive never gotten over it as he was the love of my life but as time has sailed on Ive come to terms with the fact that we are forever apart and have tried very hard to rebuild my life. Ive done an ok job I think and take it one day at a time alot of the time. Its still hard and Im not sure if I will ever stop grieving for the loss of the person I loved, but I try to move forward as best I can.

I developed an alcohol problem and posted here a few months ago in a desperate state and got some really good advice and encouragement which was very helpful at the time. I managed to stay off the booze for a few months but crashed spectacularly at Christmas and am again back on the wagon now. Thats not why Im posting though.


Im here in my apt and all I feel is blackness eating me. Im so lonely I could cry. Even though I have very good friends and family, they also do not come without their own particular baggage. Ive tried seeing other men and have behaved in ways that I am not proud of in the last year, mostly due to alcohol consumption. Im letting go the guilt of one night stands and stupid behaviour, including drinking on my own to blackout stage and ending up having conversations with myself and crying and just generally being very very stupid. Luckily noone saw as I live alone, but I still fell like an idiot.

I tried the whole dating scene and joining clubs and am back in college doing a course and loving it, but I still feel black. Its a sticky tarry black that sits in my chest from the moment I wake up till the moment I go to bed. It stops me leaving the house, getting dressed or phoning people to say hi. I ignore friends and just sit staring at the tv for hours and days on end.

Im finished here. I dont know how to shake this off. Im walled and closed.

Has anyone been here and gotten out solidly the other end? Sorry for the long post and thanks for reading. x

banshee_bones

OK firstly I want you to know that you are not alone. From personal experience and from long deep chats with close friends I can say most solemnly that everyone feels like this as some point in their lives. I also commend you for recognising that alcohol does not help in these situations but if you feel its a bigger issue than you can handle perhaps you could go to an AA meeting?

I can also say from personal experience that living alone which has some great benefits, for me anyway , was just NOT fun. I found, and i alos spoke to a friend in a similar position that when your living on your own, that even the smallest thing that niggles you can seem huge because your turning it over in your head and there is no one there to talk you down from it.

Im glad that you are keeping yourself busy and are doing a course you love,but perhaps you should just try and obtain a more positive mental attitude with regard to things, now that too is alot easier said than done. Also if your in college maybe you should go have a chat with the counsellor in the college, they may be able to offer you an outlet for the way you feel at present. Maybe look in to joining some clubs and socs, or even just start by contacting some of your friends just for a coffee, explain to them how you feel im sure they will be understanding.


Best of luck
BB x

MizzLolly

You're right in what you said, everyone does have their own troubles to deal with. That doesn't mean that people don't care or that they don't understand, there's only so much a family member or a friend can do to help. I think you need to speak to somebody who has no emotional attachment to you, who won't be judgemental and who will be able to give you sound advice. Would you consider speaking to a counsellor?

Or those times when you're alone and you want to cry, could you call someplace like the Samaritans? It sounds like you're isolating yourself and having been with a guy who was dealing with something similar to you, would it be fair to suggest that you're making it difficult for people to get through to you? This is where you need to start trying that little bit extra. There's only so much rejection people can take and your friends may find it hard to understand unless you speak to them.

Do try to see a professional about it, you'll feel so much better. I bet even after posting here you felt a tiny bit lighter. Obviously the drinking and the depression needs to be tackled professionally but for now work on your friendships. Stop isolating yourself and don't feel ashamed to say you need to have a good cry. It sounds as though you're bottling things up and trying to avoid confronting them.

Well done on posting here tonight.

lawstudent99

Hi There

Well done on having the courage to talk about your feelings, its a very positive step. Without knowing the ins and outs of your story and your current feelings; it sounds overwhelmingly as though you could be suffering from a bout of depression. Parts of what you describe e.g. the turning to alcohol, the feeling in your chest, how, despite a new course you don't want to get up in the mornings all sound like the symptons of depression. I am not a professional, and like the fellow boarder before me recommends wisely-it may be good for you to talk to somebody independent from your circumstances, even your GP who may be able to refer you to somebody impartial. From the little I do know of depression, I am aware that it sometimes is not brought on by a chemical imbalance, but can often be created by life events/change/stress etc. Those feelings (or sometimes inability to feel/lack of) will pass but you need some support to allow them to do so. It sounds like the usual advice-go see a GP etc but a state of mind is very powerful and can dehabilitate a normally very happy/content person. I don't like using labels when I don't know the circumstances fully but it is often the case with depression that the symptons manifest themselves in a multitude of ways and whilst everything seems 'normal' from the outside, inside run endless questions. Good luck and well done for being brave and chatting about your experiences.

Snowie

Unregistered wrote: »

Im a regular member so Im going anon for this.

The title has bsically summed up the way I feel and Im starting to scare myself with the thoughts that are entering my head here. A bit of background to pave the way first maybe. Ive taken the day off work to try and sort my head out a bit, or at least to try and start forming a logical path to seeing some light at the end of a very black tunnel.

Ive been single for about a year now after my ex left the relationship for a variety of reasons. Mostly his own issues that he could never come to terms with and I could not carry his weight on my shoulders anymore. Ive never gotten over it as he was the love of my life but as time has sailed on Ive come to terms with the fact that we are forever apart and have tried very hard to rebuild my life. Ive done an ok job I think and take it one day at a time alot of the time. Its still hard and Im not sure if I will ever stop grieving for the loss of the person I loved, but I try to move forward as best I can.

I developed an alcohol problem and posted here a few months ago in a desperate state and got some really good advice and encouragement which was very helpful at the time. I managed to stay off the booze for a few months but crashed spectacularly at Christmas and am again back on the wagon now. Thats not why Im posting though.


Im here in my apt and all I feel is blackness eating me. Im so lonely I could cry. Even though I have very good friends and family, they also do not come without their own particular baggage. Ive tried seeing other men and have behaved in ways that I am not proud of in the last year, mostly due to alcohol consumption. Im letting go the guilt of one night stands and stupid behaviour, including drinking on my own to blackout stage and ending up having conversations with myself and crying and just generally being very very stupid. Luckily noone saw as I live alone, but I still fell like an idiot.

I tried the whole dating scene and joining clubs and am back in college doing a course and loving it, but I still feel black. Its a sticky tarry black that sits in my chest from the moment I wake up till the moment I go to bed. It stops me leaving the house, getting dressed or phoning people to say hi. I ignore friends and just sit staring at the tv for hours and days on end.

Im finished here. I dont know how to shake this off. Im walled and closed.

Has anyone been here and gotten out solidly the other end? Sorry for the long post and thanks for reading. x

I have I can recall a number of nights being that drunk I'd come home ot my apartment go have a shower try and wash the drunkness of and just stand in the shower for 3 hours long crying my eyes out and having those silly conversations with my self... I never really understood why I was feeling like this but I think it was partly due to being bullied and being unhappy in life with the feelings i felt, just like you discribed somewhat.

its a feeling in your cheast, takes over you hole body.. feelings of Anxiety, sadness, Isolation, Lonleyness, and depression. How i felt was Hopless things where good in my life at the time I was snowboarding 7 days a week and getting good at the same time i was'nt excepted bye people which would relate how i felt....

I can relate to how you discribe feeling pushing people away in your life, wanting to be on your own... All if which I've felt, So how do you fix this,
You can change things in your life drinking eating become more soically active etc and this will do great leeps for your genrall soical life... Try doing some sport's.....

Which I did and for 9 months I was happy confident able to aproach people... Then I meet a girl she knocked me for six, I made 10 pace's forward and 30 back..... for about 3 days I wondered around lost in haze of thuaght posted on here asking for advice how i should deal with the loss i felt... So i saught some advice. Then one morning woke up and said Im getting help. I went to my gp and asked him to refer me to a counciller.... he did...

5 month's on with a lot of hard work tears and sheer determination Ive gottin through most of the problems I've ever had.

So My suggestion would be go see a counciller... The counciller role is not to judge you. if you go to a counciller no body will know, Unless you tell them. From my personal experence and what you've said and discribed I can relate hugely to how you feel and felt...

If you want a number to one pm me!

ElStuardo

"Im here in my apt and all I feel is blackness eating me. Im so lonely I could cry."

This is my very first post/reply.The reason I joined the boards was your very issue.I feel exactly the same after 6 months out of a relationship with someone I thought was who i was going to spend the rest of my life.She felt the same but then her career put an end to it all.But any way Id just like to say ,your lonely feeling is not abnormal and your never ending feeling of emptyness is normal.Well I think it is now that Ive been on here and see lots of people feel the same or have experienced the same feelings.

My life sounds a little bit like yours ,Im sitting here in work thinking where did it all go wrong and how unhappy I am and lonely .But I feel/hope that there is an end to this feeling I really have to believe that and you should too.

LegacyUser

Hi everyone, thanks for the replies. Much appreciated.

I do recognise that there are symptoms of depression there but part of me wonders if it’s not just me being lazy and using that as an excuse. After all the parting was a year ago and more, so I should be over it by now, yet I recognise that this is where all the lethargy stems from. I was watching QI a few nights ago and they were talking about a pair of Siamese twins and when one died the other died of heartbreak, which is essentially a nervous shock to the body. It made me think how I ever survived without a heart attack. That’s not me feeling sorry for myself btw, that me trying to express (badly) what utter heartbreak can do.

As always, the advice is kind and sensible, but if I may…..

Throughout the year, I have read many threads on “how do I get over him/her” and have sought to put into practice the advice given. I’ve attended counselling and exercised like never before. I’ve read self help books and practised yoga every weekend to relax. Breathing techniques, prayer, meditation, Pilates, running, burning incense, pampering weekends, hiking weekends, weekends away, weekends in oblivion of drink and drugs, family, friends and strangers. Internet dating, set ups from friends, being approached in pubs clubs and even on the train  You name it, I’ve done it. It sounds awfully busy but it’s not really as I lose interest very quickly. Yoga has become a good friend though.

When I have fled through my next plan to heal myself, that’s when I land back to square one. As I write this I’m not feeling too bad as I managed to actually make it into work today. I’m only in for a half day so I’m pretty much finished now. Today is nowhere near as bad as yesterday but I dread waking up tomorrow just in case the tar is there. I go to bed at night telling myself tomorrow will be better and praying that it is. Then I wake up and I put the clock on snooze for a few times and get progressively worse as the clock ticks on. I either manage to get out of bed or I don’t. If I don’t then my world shrinks for the day through guilt, fear that I am going to lose my job, self hatred for my laziness and wishing he was back here again. I feel pathetic and wasted. I was very successful when I was with him. Now I feel it all slipping away. A part of me cares, but the most of me says it doesn’t matter and Ill be glad when I have no responsibilities any more. No house, car, job. Go on the dole and just watch television/read/sleep all day. That’s all I want sometimes.

And I think if that’s all I want and have no ambition, then it’s me. It’s me being lazy and un-ambitious and reckless with my life. Everything I worked for now seems pointless to how I feel. I’m at the helm and I don’t care where the ship goes.

Sorry. I seem t have gone off on one again.

ElStuardo

Its weird ,My first relationship went on for 4yrs and I got over i after a short amount of time,the relationship im just out of is over the last 6 months and I havent been able to put my life back on track as of yet.So i dont think your being lazy at all ,and the fact you have tried to move on shows that it is not for your lack of trying or lazyness.
Im firmly of the opinion that time and only time is the true healer.the length of time depends on the peron and the seriousness of the relationship and the void left.

I really can empathise with how your feeling,its the worst feeling of emptyness lonelyness and self pity possible ,its horrible.

dellas1979

Did you give yourself time to get over what happened or did you dive straight in looking for a quick fix to heart break?

Snowie

OP here again wrote: »

Hi everyone, thanks for the replies. Much appreciated.

I do recognise that there are symptoms of depression there but part of me wonders if it’s not just me being lazy and using that as an excuse. After all the parting was a year ago and more, so I should be over it by now, yet I recognise that this is where all the lethargy stems from. I was watching QI a few nights ago and they were talking about a pair of Siamese twins and when one died the other died of heartbreak, which is essentially a nervous shock to the body. It made me think how I ever survived without a heart attack. That’s not me feeling sorry for myself btw, that me trying to express (badly) what utter heartbreak can do.

Who decide's that it taks 30 days to get over some one ?
So You've experenced heart break, you feel as tho your sole got ripped out of you and you feel as a tho your all but of a shadow? yeah i can releate that because thats what happened, to me read the threads ive strated i swear you me are very indifferent. I can also recall what could be months now of my heart beating so hard so fast that i could here it feel it just like you discribed...

OP here again wrote: »

Throughout the year, I have read many threads on “how do I get over him/her” and have sought to put into practice the advice given. I’ve attended counselling and exercised like never before. I’ve read self help books and practised yoga every weekend to relax. Breathing techniques, prayer, meditation, Pilates, running, burning incense, pampering weekends, hiking weekends, weekends away, weekends in oblivion of drink and drugs, family, friends and strangers. Internet dating, set ups from friends, being approached in pubs clubs and even on the train  You name it, I’ve done it. It sounds awfully busy but it’s not really as I lose interest very quickly. Yoga has become a good friend though.

Yet you discribe trying new things aswell as councilling yet you loose interest very quickly... Would that not be lathargic in its self ? The inability to keep doing the same thing's retaining the interest... which makes sence completly.....you try to change things in your life to make you feel beer, i can relatte to that. Then it gets boreing the feelings come back and your, right back where you started. Interestingly enough i to turned to drugs and drink..... How long did your councilling last?

OP here again wrote: »

When I have fled through my next plan to heal myself, that’s when I land back to square one. As I write this I’m not feeling too bad as I managed to actually make it into work today. I’m only in for a half day so I’m pretty much finished now. Today is nowhere near as bad as yesterday but I dread waking up tomorrow just in case the tar is there. I go to bed at night telling myself tomorrow will be better and praying that it is. Then I wake up and I put the clock on snooze for a few times and get progressively worse as the clock ticks on. I either manage to get out of bed or I don’t. If I don’t then my world shrinks for the day through guilt, fear that I am going to lose my job, self hatred for my laziness and wishing he was back here again. I feel pathetic and wasted. I was very successful when I was with him. Now I feel it all slipping away. A part of me cares, but the most of me says it doesn’t matter and Ill be glad when I have no responsibilities any more. No house, car, job. Go on the dole and just watch television/read/sleep all day. That’s all I want sometimes.

And I think if that’s all I want and have no ambition, then it’s me. It’s me being lazy and un-ambitious and reckless with my life. Everything I worked for now seems pointless to how I feel. I’m at the helm and I don’t care where the ship goes.

Sorry. I seem t have gone off on one again.

How could you have any ambition if your feeling like that? then you come along and beat your self up because at once stage, you had motivation drive and ambition. But you tock a knock a fall and possibly could knock you for ever. youve just disscribed utter disspare these feeeling can be worked on and made go away all of them every single last one of them.
But you have to want them to go away you have to be pissed of enough that the anger inside you turns to asertioin that you wanna get over the porblems you have to do it for you tho. Once you have that councillings a peace of pi$$ and it works something serous.......

LegacyUser

Hello again, Thank you again for your replies.

A fact I have always known, even in the worst moments that I’m not the first, nor will I be the last. Somewhere, someone is gazing on the person they love in utter horror and disbelief at what they are saying, maybe not a break up scenario, maybe something worse, and fully comprehending that this person has the capacity for cruelty that has finally been fully realised. I don’t think I ever felt such pain and shock in my entire life and Ive been in a few scrapes in my time!

Another aspect is alot of the sadness comes from the fact that I know I will never have the courage to love another as completely and unreservedly as I did him. Not feeling sorry for myself, just sad that I know this deep inside. That’s one of the grief points I think. Its also one of the things I drunkly rant about alone in the apt when Ive a feed of voddy inside me. God I’m such an eejit really.

You guys seem to have had the same experience to one extent or another. I did go to counselling for a good while as I was crumbling very very badly. Only for my boss was a friend of mine of long standing who had always hated the then bf and his ways, I would have been fired. Instead I took 2 weeks off and when that didn’t prove enough, he gave me all time I needed and told me to come back when I was ready. Without him I don’t know what I would have done in those first few weeks.

Elstuardo, I feel for you. I know exactly what you are going through and Id love to be able to say it gets better. I suppose it does in the fact that you finally have to stop crying and crashing 24 hours a day and that you do smile again, but I just want to get rid of the feeling of failure fear that walk with me everywhere I go. Theyre almost like real people at this stage. I talk to my feelings. How crazy is that? Its like something out of A Beautiful Mind 

Snow monkey, thank you. I don’t know where you are getting the 30 days from though? Counselling seems to have been of great benefit to you. Im glad for you. I might go back. I didn’t embrace it fully the first time I think as I was so shocked I defended his actions and left when certain issue relating to his behaviours were raised. That was a few weeks in and she must have thought that I was strong enough to deal with his exit at the time but I wasn’t so just exited myself from the process. Until then it had been going well. Its something to consider without doubt.

Again I ramble 

Snowie

Unregistered wrote: »

Snow monkey, thank you. I don’t know where you are getting the 30 days from though? Counselling seems to have been of great benefit to you. Im glad for you. I might go back. I didn’t embrace it fully the first time I think as I was so shocked I defended his actions and left when certain issue relating to his behaviours were raised. That was a few weeks in and she must have thought that I was strong enough to deal with his exit at the time but I wasn’t so just exited myself from the process. Until then it had been going well. Its something to consider without doubt.

Again I ramble 

30 days is nothing but a number was useing it as a point that ya no it could take 30 days to get over some one or it couyld take 5 years...... it was nothing but a number......

My personal opinion of councilling and talking about diffcult problem's is eather you can dance around the issue for weeks at a time avoiding that peace of pain that cuts you of from being happy or you can go in and attack the problem with the force and strength of a frate train..... and bater that problem till it's gone..... you take charge of your life dancin around the problem wont fix it. Thats why councilling has been of great benefit because I want to be out of the place which you have so amazeingly discribed....

Permabear

This post has been deleted.

banshee_bones

Unregistered wrote: »

Another aspect is alot of the sadness comes from the fact that I know I will never have the courage to love another as completely and unreservedly as I did him. Not feeling sorry for myself, just sad that I know this deep inside.

EVERYBODY feels like this after they break up with someone. FACT! Its horrible so so horrible but i promise you that you WILL meet someone and YOU WILL feel like that again.

Maybe not now, not tomorrow,next week or next year but it will happen, it just really takes time. I know its sounds trite but Time IS a great healer.