I can't stop myself!!!!

LegacyUser

I really hope someone can help me with this.

My last relationship started off pretty normal, but we got in to a few standard incompatibility problems and we became a little bit on/off. It was always him who broke up with me, and i was always devastated. It went on for almost 3 years - we're broken up a year.

Anyway, we would always get back together but each time i was a little bit more insecure than the last - I developed this horrible horrible habit of being really paranoid, but to the point of almost just acting like he'd deliberatley done something on me to make him feel bad...even though i knew he hadn't.

I know it sounds mad but for example we would be chatting online and if his connection went I would start texting him and saying things like "You could have said goodbye, i would have allowed you to leave, no need to quit out like that". Similarly if he didn't answer his phone - i could rationally tell myself that he might not be able to talk or he might have the sound off etc. But I would still flip out at him - accusing him of avoiding me - something he has NEVER done.

Anyway, i've never acted this way with anyone else, ever. We took a time out and recently got back in touch - just as friends. Things were fine at the start - but i noticed myself doing it to him again, and i've totally messed things up.

Anyway, i'm glad it's happened for a second time because i didn't really notice i did it so much before - do you think this behaviour is exclusive to him because i'm paranoid and I feel a little bit like he's about to reject me? Or am i trying to get back at him for rejecting me?

Either way, it's so so wrong and it's not a personality trait I would like to hang on too. Am i just a crazy person?

Karen_*

Eh no you're not crazy. You're acting like a person who has been messed around and doesn't know whats going to happen next but is fairly sure its a slap in the face.

You're not messing things up, he's messing you up and you're letting him. You're not over it and you need to move on. Friendships aren't supposed to be so upsetting. Cut all ties with this guy as he's hurting you. He's the one who's messed up but you're participating in the dance. I bet you're fine when he's not around.

Chinafoot

+1

It sounds like you're going to end up driving yourself mad if you continue on this way. You're obviously just not good for each other.

He's messed you around and now you're totally insecure. My advice would be to walk away and cut all contact. Allow yourself to get over him fully and find a healthy relationship.

Beta Ray Bill

Cantstop wrote: »

I know it sounds mad but for example we would be chatting online and if his connection went I would start texting him and saying things like "You could have said goodbye, i would have allowed you to leave, no need to quit out like that". Similarly if he didn't answer his phone - i could rationally tell myself that he might not be able to talk or he might have the sound off etc. But I would still flip out at him - accusing him of avoiding me - something he has NEVER done.

This is a trait that a lot of girls seem to have.

You acknowledge that his lack of response from a Phone Call or Instant Message is probably not his fault but you still go off at him anyway. Personally I think that's very unhealthy. If he has messed you around then you need the courage to walk away and stay away. But going on the way you are now is going to make things worse.

I'm not being bad but personally I think this guy must really like you if he is putting up with the behavior quoted above.

You strike me as a very reactive person.
Try this: when something like the MSN thing happens, relax, count to 10 and just think about the situation logically and avoid jump to conclusions like he's avoiding you which you yourself acknowledge he has never done.

Hope this helps.
G.

Wibbs

grahambo wrote: »

This is a trait that a lot of girls seem to have.

I would agree with you. Many get a postive feedback from the attention and then having the attention taken away. Usually taken away by accident or circumstance, not purposely(or if purposely more by the woman). They then get the label of being "emotional" or at worse levels "drama queens".

It can be a chicken and egg thing. The thing is to figure out if you're insecure because you're insecure already and choose to go for someone who gives you that feedback loop, or are you insecure because he has made you that way. I suspect a little of both in this case but more the first.

Either way it's not healthy for you(or him). Being like this will ruin a relationship with a good man, if you indeed choose to go for a good man in the first place. Too often women will go for the wrong guy knowing deep down they will treat them in such a way to get that pleasurable feedback loop going. The other common version of this is "all men leave me", so they'll subconsciously seek out the very men that will leave. Then they prove themselves right and get the feedback bit too.

You do need to step back and figure out who you are, what you want and only then what you want from another. No one but you can make you secure. They may for a while, but it always goes wrong down the line if it's coming entirely from an external source.