Never had a girlfriend.

LegacyUser

I am in my late thirties and never have had a girlfriend and am realising I probably never will , why is that , well i have never been into drinking, pubs and nightclubs , i mean if i drank a pint it would take me a week to recover from it , and of course there is no other way of meeting women in this country.
Also i have never really had a social life , never been into it , i think its because i was bullied at school , that is something to do with it , that caused me to lose trust in people.
What do i do in my spare time well reading , cycling , surfing the internet , walking.

This christmas i was thinking about how I have never had a girlfriend and realizing it will probably never happen , maybe in another life .

mutualismo

How many women have you asked out?

Tim06

Unregistered wrote: »

I am in my late thirties and never have had a girlfriend and am realising I probably never will , why is that , well i have never been into drinking, pubs and nightclubs , i mean if i drank a pint it would take me a week to recover from it , and of course there is no other way of meeting women in this country.
Also i have never really had a social life , never been into it , i think its because i was bullied at school , that is something to do with it , that caused me to lose trust in people.
What do i do in my spare time well reading , cycling , surfing the internet , walking.

This christmas i was thinking about how I have never had a girlfriend and realizing it will probably never happen , maybe in another life .

Hi OP, i dont mean any offence by this, but if you keep up the attitude that you have there your probably right. ok so what about joining clubs that go cycling, surfing, walking etc? its a start on entering the social scene. theres plenty of people out there that dont drink, its certainly no excuse not to have a gf

LegacyUser

Tim06 wrote: »

Hi OP, i dont mean any offence by this, but if you keep up the attitude that you have there your probably right. ok so what about joining clubs that go cycling, surfing, walking etc? its a start on entering the social scene. theres plenty of people out there that dont drink, its certainly no excuse not to have a gf

THanks , clubs i never thought of that, years ago i heard the way to meet women is to do night classes and i have done a lot but it just hasnt worked , thanks a lot for your help .

mikemac

Unregistered wrote: »

i mean if i drank a pint it would take me a week to recover from it , and of course there is no other way of meeting women in this country.

Sounds like you've given up forever as well as making a bit of a generalization there. Lots of people don't drink, sure we even have a forum with lots of activities for this.
I'm not going to give the standard, join a club/go travelling line.

It's tough what you're going to and sorry if it's harsh but your post reeks of self-pity and despair.
You can do anything you want but realy it's up to you.

it's a cliche I know but there's someone out there for everyone, you just have to help yourself, if you think you'd like to have a girlfriend then you better do something about it because with an attitude like that, you probably won't ever even put yourself in a position to meet a woman.

Fallen Buckshot

maybe you are gay ?

LegacyUser

Fallen Buckshot wrote: »

maybe you are gay ?

definitely not.

DenMan

Fallen Buckshot wrote: »

maybe you are gay ?

Not very helpful Fallen Buckshot.

You just need to get out there OP. No point in rushing head first and tackling the problem head on. Make an effort and do it slowly. You mentioned interests you do. That is great, I am sure there are clubs and societies that you can join. You have an abundance of opportunities right here on boards.ie. There are plenty of clubs you can join. The pub culture is most definitely not the answer. You made a good start by posting here, maybe you should register and complete the process. Have a look around and see what interests you, make some posts. You will feel better, trust me, I know. There are a lot of single girls out there in their thirties.

Rb

Have you taken it upon yourself to go out and meet people?

You say you surf the internet, walk and cycle. These are generally activities you do alone but you could at least join a hillwalking group, a mountain biking group etc.

I take my dogs through the mountains when the weathers in it, and almost every time I'm up there I see clubs of people of all ages going through the mountain bike trails...so why not you?

You won't meet someone unless you put yourself in a position to. That doesn't mean go out and try to find a girlfriend, as that never ends well, but set yourself up to meet new people and to create new relationships.

Forget about school, you're in your late thirties, using stuff that happened at school 20 years ago to excuse your own "failings" is not good enough to be honest and you really should be over it at this stage, you're an adult, as is everyone who was in school with you.

LegacyUser

i am in the same place. I think you probably need counselling. if you keep on the way you( i think) are going eg feeling sorry for yourself but not trying to get help nothing will change

LegacyUser

DenMan wrote: »

Not very helpful Fallen Buckshot.

You just need to get out there OP. No point in rushing head first and tackling the problem head on. Make an effort and do it slowly. You mentioned interests you do. That is great, I am sure there are clubs and societies that you can join. You have an abundance of opportunities right here on boards.ie. There are plenty of clubs you can join. The pub culture is most definitely not the answer. You made a good start by posting here, maybe you should register and complete the process. Have a look around and see what interests you, make some posts. You will feel better, trust me, I know. There are a lot of single girls out there in their thirties.

Thanks for that reply denman.

Caros

There are a few online dating sites you could try - anotherfriend and plentyoffish. You don't even have to meet people off them but it might help build up your confidence. Joining clubs is great too, if just to get out there and mingle.

Good luck!

LegacyUser

A few things that spring to mind that will hopefully will help. If you've still not got over your bullying then definitely get help through counselling etc. Maybe join a few clubs where you can meet people that share your interests. You could always socialise without drinking, lots of people do it. Internet dating may be worth a go as well.
Making an effort at these should help, and help your confidence.

Wibbs

Fallen Buckshot not very helpful, unless expanded upon. DenMan ease up on the back seat modding. Thanks.

LegacyUser

I think you have to have an open mind - if you're negative and say it's never gonna happen for you, then it probably won't. You've got to get yourself out there - no one is going to come looking for you. Do as the other OP suggested, join a club that you have an interest in. When you're out there, you've a better chance of meeting someone than wringing your hands at home, on your own. Be positive!! Get out there!!!

DenMan

Sorry Wibbs.

Delirium

I'd agree with the suggestions of joining a club or finding group activities to get involved.

Also as suggested look at your mindset. If you keep the negative frame of mind, you're less likely to put yourself into situations that might lead to something. Or you could end up convincing yourself not to even try talking to a woman. A positive outlook could go some ways to helping you meet someone.

sceptre

Unregistered wrote: »

THanks , clubs i never thought of that, years ago i heard the way to meet women is to do night classes and i have done a lot but it just hasnt worked , thanks a lot for your help .

Mixed bag with the nightclasses I suspect, most people will actually be there to learn whatever the class is on.

I'm as far from an expert as you could get (at 33, in a relationship, if that doesn't work out I'll have to rely on my personality and such) but I'd imagine any kind of social club, whatever that is, walking, reading, whatever people actually like (and more importantly, whatever you like) is a great way to meet new people if you're not the best at meeting new people. They exist as a social outlet after all and I'd imagine they'd be far better for meeting people than the night classes. The last night class I did, I was pretty much focussed on the course, hard as it was to find the few hours in the week to do it so even bearing in mind that meeting someone was as far from my mind as it could have been, it would have taken someone sitting in my lap for me to notice.

Try the social clubs, whatever's going. You'll feel at lot more at home there if it's something you're interested in doing though.

ShooterSF

You havent really touched on the subject so I could be completely off base here but is there a chance, and I'm not being smart, that you are afraid to succeed in getting a girlfriend at this point due to sexual experience?
I only ask as I was late in gaining said experience and it put me off asking women out in case they Didn't reject me!

I could be wrong and you could be a one-night stud king but the lack of drinking or strong social connections, which can both lead to one offs left the suggestion.

If your workmates go out you could always join them and stay sober along with taking up hobbies that involve groups of people.
Don't even go to specifically meet a girlfriend or even a girl, you'll be more comfortable. Go and make friends, you'll meet more people through these friends then and give you a better chance to meet someone.

Oh and for the love of god try not to become fixated on one specific woman. Blinker vision is never a good idea (Especially the one in the group who flirts with everyone and tends to hook the lonely soul).

foolsgold

You need to think positive and be proactive to rebuild your confidence. You have got a lot of good suggestions here. I know it will take time and it is not easy but remember

if you change nothing, nothing changes....

Good luck

mikemac

foolsgold wrote: »

if you change nothing, nothing changes....

I like it and may steal it to pass it off as my own :cool:

You've gotten plently of suggestions OP, particularly like that one on mountain biking. Get involved somewhere in something you are passionate about!

It's January, time for a new you

LegacyUser

Hi
You know you dont have to drink,to go to a pub! You could go along and have a coffee or soup during lunch or even later with friends.Engage in conversation that way.Even in the club you dont need to drink.All you have to do is approach a girl you like and ask her out.Could be in local shop local pub at lunch or in work on lunch breal.So many ways to meet a girl.
If you get a knock back then try again,dont take it as personal take it as she isnt meant for you and move on.I am sure some nice girl out there wil appreciate a nice guy.
Its up to you to ask and make yourself available.
What about thru friends or even the internet dating or speed dating?

LegacyUser

ShooterSF wrote: »

You havent really touched on the subject so I could be completely off base here but is there a chance, and I'm not being smart, that you are afraid to succeed in getting a girlfriend at this point due to sexual experience?
I only ask as I was late in gaining said experience and it put me off asking women out in case they Didn't reject me!

I could be wrong and you could be a one-night stud king but the lack of drinking or strong social connections, which can both lead to one offs left the suggestion.

If your workmates go out you could always join them and stay sober along with taking up hobbies that involve groups of people.
Don't even go to specifically meet a girlfriend or even a girl, you'll be more comfortable. Go and make friends, you'll meet more people through these friends then and give you a better chance to meet someone.

Oh and for the love of god try not to become fixated on one specific woman. Blinker vision is never a good idea (Especially the one in the group who flirts with everyone and tends to hook the lonely soul).

No i have never been with a woman , but I think you are on to something , when women do try to chat me up i do get nervous and my emotions start going all over the place and i just lose it and have to get away, i do not know why.

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

i am in the same place. I think you probably need counselling. if you keep on the way you( i think) are going eg feeling sorry for yourself but not trying to get help nothing will change

I think it has been suggested by some people answering my original post in this thread that i am feeling sorry for myself , no , i am trying to explain the way it is in that post , and i posted that because i am looking for help and most of the replies are helpful .

LegacyUser

OP, if you are nervous talking to a woman, keep talking, and don't leave when you feel like escaping (if you like her). Try to ignore your nervousness. Even if she notices, it's not really the end of the world. If she talks to you a lot, ask her out.

Talking to someone you like is nerve-wracking in general, don't worry.

lawstudent99

Hi there

Well done on having the courage to tackle the loneliness you may be experiencing in your life. Too many people turn to negative influences to block out lonely feelings but you have admitted you would like to share your life with another person. That is a wonderful. I don't believe there is ever is a 'right' age to start having girlfriends at, some men in their 30s may have been with plenty of women but never engaged with them meaningfully.

Of course it is hard to ascertain the reasons why you haven't before from a short post. For some people its circumstancial, some for reasons relating to career, some for reasons of confidence etc. But if you have experienced trauma in the past it might be advisable to discuss this over with a professional to make an attempt to put the past behind you. A councillor can be very effective in helping to promote confidence.

And of course there is putting yourself in a position to meet that special someone. Don't be afraid to try internet dating-with the reasonable adherences to safety that apply to every man and women. Or hobbies, or through friends etc. But build yourself up to be able to accept that dating is so brilliant yet heart-breaking at times. Step out of the comfort zone, but make sure you take things at your pace. and good luck!

Lorrs33

Unregistered wrote: »

No i have never been with a woman , but I think you are on to something , when women do try to chat me up i do get nervous and my emotions start going all over the place and i just lose it and have to get away, i do not know why.

The breakthrough

At first you seemed to feel that you've never had a girlfriend because you never go out, but if women have chatted you up before, then I'd say that that doesn't really pose a problem for you. If it's your confidence, you could always go to self-assertive classes. And who knows? You could end up meeting someone there, two birds with one stone!

Das Kitty

A friend of mine with a similar attitude to drinking and pubs etc took up Swing Dancing. He never really went out with anyone in college or after until he did this, now he's dated quite a few women and has been going out with one particular lady for about 6 months. He's transformed.

Dance classes are always full of women who have interests that lie outside of the local, it's a great place to meet them. Even if you don't fancy any of the ones in the class I'm sure they have friends...

Good luck, and don't give up.

chiefwiggum

damn it man get on the internet...maybe match.com and start lookin..i met my g/f of 2 and half yrs there .loads of nice women lookin for good decent fella's... just dont email them about the size of their boobs or ask them to send nudie pics of themselves(i didnt hence the result)be yerself and you'll be sorted

LegacyUser

Having been bullied myself in school and at home. I have had a somewhat similar problem. I have however begun to overcome this recently. In my case it seems as if one of my parents is narcissistic and this has caused several knock-on effects in both my self-esteem and in the family in general.

There could be several issues, the bullying you received in school could be causing delayed post-traumatic stress disorder PTSD, maybe you have a narcissistic influence which has pummelled your self-confidence, maybe that's why you were bullied in school (that's how it was for me anyway). There is also a term 'love-shyness' which could also be a factor. I'll be honest and say I don't know for sure what it is (it took me a while to recognise what it was for me) or what will work for you maybe you should try David DeAngelo or something (I've watched some of them and they're OK I suppose), read Feel the fear and do it anyway. But probably the best option would be to seek counselling as there is something there holding you back (why would you post about this otherwise?) and I think you need the best guidance possible.

At the very least you need to recognise flirting and take the first step. Most women flirt first then it's the man's turn, do you like her or not? If you do, ask her out. What have you got to loose? She says no? So what? You might never see her again. If women never flirt with you (make sure they sit/stand close enough to you, flick their hair or look you up and down or the odd smile) then you need to change target location/fashion/hair/teeth whatever. Women will flirt with you at any location even down the street holding their boyfriends hands, so enough of the drinking/bar/nightclub crap. After that, you need to work on personality, are you interesting or have a interesting story to break the ice and have a laugh or be intellectual. Then for her sake - get something like Hot sex by Tracey Cox and improve your technique so she'll never want to go wandering or feel sorry for you ;-)

Like I say I've been through some of what you talk about, and the only good thing I can say to you is, you are in total charge of the situation. If you don't like it - do something about it... because you probably haven't up till now.....

These are skills which you don't have, the only way you get skills is by making mistakes and learning from it, the only way you make mistakes is by trying.

Sam Vimes

i saw a video on youtube tonight that struck a chord with me. i might be giving it more credit than it deserves because i think stephen fry is a legend but take a look at it anyway:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hkL8qgG_VPo&feature=related

edit:he's a manic depressive by the way so i think he knows what he's talking about

CocoMouse

Someone suggested go travelling..(or rather said they were not gonna suggest that). Travelling is a fantastic idea. I went travelling a lot through 2008. Stay in hostels where you get to interact constantly with the people around you. I met some lovely people i hit it off with soo well, but unfortunatly I had to go back home 2 reality (where the were not so many lovely people), but you never know you might find someone- theres a whole big world out there- and if it suits you you could move to be close to them. If this isnt an option at least when you come back the experience of meeting so many new people will be a definate confidence booster, and will help u learn how to make friends and start conversations. AND well travelled people are always interesting and therefore sexy! It will give you something good to talk about if you do meet women at home, and they'll think you're very worldly and cool!

LegacyUser

I knw how you feel, went through the whole bullying thing in school too.. To be honest going out drinking, night clubs, etc. won't help. I tried that but when it comes down to it if yoy're confidence is low then trying and failing in that environment will only make you feel worse.

You need to take things slow, build your confidence by starting and getting involvd in conversations in work or with people you know, with both sexes. I know it might seem obvoius or even a bit stupid, but if you can build on that and then continue conversations in more social scences, eventually things will get better. Just take it slowly and you'll suprise yourself!