New year angst....

LegacyUser

Hope some of ye out there can help me, especially parents.

My biological clock is ticking loudly to the point that if I dont have a baby this year I may never have one. I am late 30's so its not even a given that I can, but I hope I can, both my sisters conceived late in life so I have some chance.

The thing is I am totally conflicted about it. One part of me really wants a biological child, but another part of me dreads the whole scene of being trapped and the boredom and frustration that most parents experience.

It seems after the initial exitement of "having a baby" that the reality is all drudgery, tiredness, poverty, demands and negativity.

The problem is I dread having a kid but I also dread not having one, letting the chance slip by and then regretting it later.

Responsibility has never been rewarding for me, through a mix of very bad luck and bad decisions I put in the work but reaped no rewards on anything I ever did so naturally I am nervous about making another catastrophic mistake. Also facing into another year of full time work is doing my head in.

I dont really want the work of having a child but it seems something that parents come to accept because they love their kids.

Also I could see myself having just one token one, I dont really want any more than that but yet no-one I know seems to ever just settle for one, why is that, is it so the kid has someone to play with.

My partner wants kids "at some stage" but Ive never discussed how I feel about it with him, nor does he realise the reality of the clock ticking $hit women have to deal with.

I am loathe to bring it up with him either, I dont want to pressure him, yet time wise my back is to the wall, if I could delay it another 5-10 years I would but sadly mother nature kicks women in the tits once again with this clock crap.

Help.

Curvy Vixen

I am not coming from a parent point of view but from the point of view of a woman in her early 40's who has never, ever wanted children.

These points scream out to me that you should stay the way you are...

The thing is I am totally conflicted about it. One part of me really wants a biological child, but another part of me dreads the whole scene of being trapped and the boredom and frustration that most parents experience.

It seems after the initial exitement of "having a baby" that the reality is all drudgery, tiredness, poverty, demands and negativity.

I could see myself having just one token one

I dont really want the work of having a child

I don't read anything in your post about the fact that you would adore a child, would give anything to have one etc, etc...

The problem is I dread having a kid but I also dread not having one

...and what happens if the dread of having one overides everything else once the child has arrived? You can't send it back...

A child is for life not just for Christmas! There are enough unwanted children in the world ~ if you are not sure that your child is 200% wanted then don't have one.

metrovelvet

I dont know if this helps you but - there is no wrong choice here, but whatever you choose, the gods exact a price.

It is very very hard work, but for me, as I didnt have the instalove that is mythologised so much, I found the love through the work, much like gardenning if that makes sense.

If it comes to your biolgical clock running out of tick, then you can adopt if you want one that badly.

Curvy Vixen

metrovelvet wrote: »

If it comes to your biolgical clock running out of tick, then you can adopt if you want one that badly.

I was going to suggest that too, or fostering, metrovelvet but it seems the OP wants her own child...

One part of me really wants a biological child,

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies, they are helpful.

I find it difficult to describe my state of mind. My mind throws up all these good reasons not to do it, but then the other half of my mind over-rides all the doubts and tells me to get on with it, that everyone has doubts and the child will make it worth it.

I suppose also, I am afraid of saying nothing (to my partner) letting the years slip by and then him leaving me for a woman who is still fertile and can give him kids. Although I do realise having a kid as insurance against him leaving me could backfire also.

I am very underconfident about making decisions, believing that I am not as good as other people. Due to an extraordinary set of cruel circumstances outside my own control a lot of the seeds I planted in life came to nothing. This took a lot of my confidence away.

I spend a lot of time paralysed with fear and uncertainty so its not just this decision that is difficult for me but every decision. But this is the one that can not wait.

Ive seen people with less resources than myself in terms of finances, capabilities etc doing it and I know I could be a good mother yet I remain uncertain and terrified of doing the wrong thing.....

Curvy Vixen

If that's the case then OP, then this sentence is also very telling for me...

My partner wants kids "at some stage" but Ive never discussed how I feel about it with him, nor does he realise the reality of the clock ticking $hit women have to deal with.

Assuming that this is the man who may be the father of your child(ren), then surely some communication is absolutely essential??

LegacyUser

Curvy Vixen wrote: »

If that's the case then OP, then this sentence is also very telling for me...



Assuming that this is the man who may be the father of your child(ren), then surely some communication is absolutely essential??

Yes, I know, but again back to being paralysed. I dont want to pressure him.

I feel if I dont have kid(s) I will lose him in the long run, but if I bring it up I will scare him off in the short run. Besides my figure is one of the only things I have going for me and I will lose that with pregnancy.

I am so confused. I feel like I cant win.